New York Times ethicist Randy Cohen didn’t mean to say, or imply, or intimate, or even possibly plant in the back of your subconscious the notion he thinks transgender people should reveal their Big Secret on the first date.
“[T]he particular details of each couple will affect this decision,” he writes in a response to some original concerns over his advice for an Orthodox Jewish single who found herself set up with a FTM fella. “But my job — the point of the column — is to suggest a general approach to such questions.”
Okay, but Randy still talked about how he might “panic” from oversharing on the first date — an idea the trans community deals with on a daily basis — and threw the revelation of one’s transgender identity in the same column as the revelation of carrying STDs. If we’re going down this road, then I must insist all gay men with micro-penises reveal their condition before “partners cultivate romance,” and all lesbian women who don’t trim their cho-cha do the same.
WTF?
It’s about honesty, and if you were being honest, you’d admit that. Most people don’t reveal such things because they fear being rejected for them. Instead they lie or avoid the issue, until such time as it comes out. Suddenly, they’ve got someone angry at them for lying. Big surprise? NO! So cut through the delusional bullshit, admit you have something problematic going on, and face it head on. Are you going to have as many second dates as you would otherwise lying? Maybe not, but the ones that stick will do so with honesty.
mulletkitty
I read the original column and figured a ftm finding a partner in an orthodox Jewish community, through what sounds like an orthodox Jewish singles dating group, would be a challenge. Seems safer to advertise you are an orthodox Jewish ftm looking for dates and a possible romance — and try another dating scene!
That having been said, I think Cohen deserves the scrutiny for his response in this column, which skirts around the issue of personal safety and trust as conditions for disclosure.
David C.
The fact that it is a first date would inform my decision to discuss a matter such as this because a first date is really nothing more than an introduction. I would expect a first date to reveal marital status, for example, but I would not expect them to reveal their net worth. I think, though, that a person would only answer a question about marital status if it was put to them directly. The fair and reasonable answer to the question on a first date would be “no, I am not married,” not “while I am not currently married, I have been three times in the past.”
Similarly, if a person has fully transitioned, then I don’t think that on a first date they are obligated to inform their companion that at another point in the past, they were a different gender.
Honesty, in this case, is that you are what you represent yourself to be. Honesty does not require that you represent all that you used to be.
If subsequent dates occur, and the relationship seems to be moving toward becoming sexual, I do think it would be important to reveal the past history. If giving birth to children is within the realm of possibility, then a discussion about infertility is relevant.
Qjersey
Uh Hello!
“I’m a strict top and I don’t get fucked or suck dick” NEXT please.
“I’m a power bottom into fisting” NEXT please
If you are rigid in your sexual roles or fetishes, you should bring that up as soon as possible.
I don’t care how “romantic” the dating has been. I went on a date or two with a few different guys described by the above examples. You know, you go out to dinner, have a nice time, have some heavy making out and then WHAM, out comes that info when we get naked.
Jack
I have a right to know the gender(s) of the person I’m on a date with. I also have a right to know their STD statuses if they ever intend to have sex with me. I might actually be okay with it if I am given the choice. But to intentionally deceive me in the hopes that my feelings will work in their favor? I will NEVER be okay with that. Give me the choice and don’t play games.
lincoln
And again with the equating being trans to carrying an STD. Big fail.
You can’t catch being trans from someone you go out on one date with. Going on a date with someone who is trans will not, oh, say, cause your T Cells to plummet & kill you. Or itch so uncontrollably you have to go get several shots.
First we hear from other queer people that we “shove” being trans in people’s faces too much and that why “we” (read cis white gay men) can’t get rights like ENDA. Now people (a few excluded) pile in here and say that if we the first few words we say are not “Hi, my name is…and I used to be…” then we’re giant liars and fakes.
It’s old and tired.
TheManyTheOne
the truely offensive part is that he assumes that its the persons right to know at all. in the particular case that he is talking about yes it very well might come up but guess what its not his business to morally judge the people involved (which he most certainly did by placing trans people in the column of std’s)
and to follow that with a poster here replying with the myth of the dishonest trans person? shame… to think that mine or any other trans persons SAFETY is less important then someone elses feelings of comfort is discriminatory and biased by nature and i would have thought that other members of the lgbT community would recognize that.
Kevin, New Jersey
And how would it be if I, as a gay man, began dating a straight woman, but withheld the fact that I didn’t find her sexually attractive until the 3rd date? Would I be wasting her time perhaps? I mean, after all, she doesn’t really need to know that right away during the course of our getting to know one another, does she? Perhaps it would only be relevant if she began making passes at me?
Some people don’t find transsexuals attractive, period. Transsexuals need to accept that. Sexual attraction is not something that we should be judging, and for trans people to equate a non-trans person being turned-off by trans status with some sort of bigotry or prejudice completely misses the point.
Most trans people know that non-trans people don’t find them attractive, and for those who hide their status, they’re just running away from something that they themselves have chosen, a truth which by that point they ought to have the strength to face.
D Smith
#8 are you kidding me? your going to use the choice argument? hypocrisy is one thing but using a hypocritical argument made by the conservonazi’s is another…
any you did not refute any of the arguments about a trans persons safety in NOT revealing their status… it does not follow that because you are not attracted to a woman that a trans person might not be attractive to a non-trans person… even with allowing that you might be right the persons safety is still something that they must safeguard…
in the end yes i agree that before any sort of sexual contact is involved a trans person should have that discussion with their prospective partner… but to say that they are dishonest if they do not tell someone within the first sentence upon meeting them… that is just bigoted.
Queer Supremacist
@lincoln: It is not about equating changing your sex with getting an STD. It is about telling the truth. If you fail to disclose important things because you want to keep hiding them from your partner, you are being dishonest. This is not a little thing, like having “Muskrat Love” on your iPod or liking to eat Reddi-Wip out of the can.
And if you want to Talk About Gay Racism, as a white gay man, I am offended by your bitching about white gay men. You sound like Michael Steele.
ghrtjht
“Some people don’t find transsexuals attractive, period. Transsexuals need to accept that.”
Unfortunately, a lot of the pro-transgendered blogs out there are taking an unbelievably alarmist, even butthurt attitude about it, without acknowledging the fact that people are allowed not to be attracted to transgendered individuals. Does it suck for you? Yes, but that doesn’t make it right not to disclose the fact before you get around to fooling around (making the discovery in the bedroom will only cause more problems than broaching the subject quickly).
One staple theme seems to be the whole “how dare they expect us to reveal, we could get beat up” thing. Yes, violence happens, but it’s not just restricted to transgendered people, and no, it doesn’t make it right. But you obviously should use your head and like let someone know where you are before you disclose if you’re really that worried about physical violence. The correct answer here is not to simply never disclose.
ghrtjht
“And again with the equating being trans to carrying an STD. Big fail.”
The only fail here is coming from you. He’s not saying the two are identical, he’s merely saying that a generally good time to disclose an STD is before you have sex, and that that’s a decent disclosure standard for when to reveal you’re trans. You’re just being an irrational moron if you actually believe Cohen thinks being transgendered is like having a communicable disease.