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  SMOKE SIGNALS

Where There’s Smoke, There’s Pontiff: White Smoke In Vatican Signals New Pope Has Been Chosen

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White smoke has been seen rising over the Vatican, signaling that either the College of Cardinals have elected a new pope, or all the stress has pushed them to light up the biggest doobie on Earth.

Thousands are gathering in Vatican Square, awaiting the arrival of the 266th pope of the Roman Catholic Church, who is locked inside the Sistine Chapel until he (or she, fingers crossed!) steps forward on the balcony in front of St. Peter’s Basilica and greets the faithful.

By:           Dan Avery
On:           Mar 13, 2013
Tagged: , , , , ,

  • 13 Comments
    • Aidan8
      Aidan8

      Actually, they’re just burning reams of documents and files regarding decades of child abuse…. You know, as an offering of contrition to their god. What a joke… I cannot believe anyone can take these ladies in dresses seriously any more…. CONclave….

      Mar 13, 2013 at 2:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1EqualityUSA
      1EqualityUSA

      Idolatry is so antiquated. Aidan8, right on.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 2:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • sfbeast
      sfbeast

      apparently the selection is based on whoever has molested the most children, and they were having trouble with the high numbers. they had to call in a computer tech to keep score.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 2:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Caleb in SC
      Caleb in SC

      It’s a false alarm. The white smoke at the Vatican is the College of Cardinals doing what everyone does at college — passing a blunt.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 3:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      Considering the old Pope is still going to wear White, is keeping the name Benedict the XVI and will be referred to as “Your Holiness” I’m curious, will the new Pope’s job just be to shred documents on how the old Pope protected child molesters and run to Prada to get him new shoes?

      Mar 13, 2013 at 3:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MuscleModelBlog.com
      MuscleModelBlog.com

      Jorge Mario Bergoglio is the new pope. Although he is from Argentina, a fairly liberal country, he does not seem to be as open-minded as many Queerty readers would like. According to Wikipedia, he apposed same-sex marriage in Argentina, for instance…but he does say that the Church should respect gays and lesbians…so perhaps he is a step in the right direction.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 3:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BJ McFrisky
      BJ McFrisky

      Is there any reason for Queerty to be reporting on this other than the opportunity to bash religion? I guess some people just need their daily fix of hating on others—there’s no other explanation for why this article exists. Sad.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 3:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chad Hunt
      Chad Hunt

      I love being right. What did I say? The next Pope would be from South America and be a Latino.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 4:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • oldgayvermonter
      oldgayvermonter

      A South American…how fitting! Perhaps there is some wealth down there they missed during the earlier looting. Send in the Conquistadores! Interestingly, it seems the natives of Argentina held their own better than those of some other countries.http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1309&dat=19930725&id=MWs0AAAAIBAJ&sjid=2hMEAAAAIBAJ&pg=6628,2202841

      Mar 13, 2013 at 5:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1EqualityUSA
      1EqualityUSA

      Chad Hunt, He’s actually Italian by genetic line.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 5:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chad Hunt
      Chad Hunt

      @1EqualityUSA: Technicality … LOL … born in Argentina makes him a native Argentine.

      Mar 13, 2013 at 6:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1EqualityUSA
      1EqualityUSA

      So John McCain must be Panamaniac?

      Mar 13, 2013 at 8:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Aidan8
      Aidan8

      @BJ McFrisky: Yes BJ, because we all know the RC Church has no influence over the slow grind of women’s rights, LGBT rights, the poor and marginalized, etc. So yeah, silly of us queers to pay any attention or, gods forbid, to “bash” the church. Then again, it’s those damn liberal with their constant need to hate, right?

      Mar 14, 2013 at 2:12 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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