APRIL FOOL’S EDITION: BLIND ITEMS — “Hold on to your tighty whities, everyone! In what is sure to be the biggest celebrity news item of the year, three of Hollywood’s leading male actors will be coming out of the closet at the same time. The announcement will take place Monday at 1:00 pm PDT on the stage of the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles, site of the annual Academy Awards. The unusual venue was chosen so that members of the press from around the world could be accommodated for this event. There is some irony in the choice of location, as all three men have been nominated for the Academy Award more than once, but none has ever won. The three men will also announce that they are embarking on a film project together, tentatively titled The Shocker. It is the semi-autobiographical story of three deeply closeted actors in Hollywood, and the various challenges they face with their careers, their sexuality, and their beards.” [BlindGossip]
In an extraordinary show of solidarity with their gay husbands, each of the actors’ wives has agreed to be on stage during the big announcement!
The first wife has been very accepting of the situation. “I could not be more proud of my incredibly gay husband! It takes phenomenal courage to come out and show the world who you really are, and I support him 110%. In fact, we are going to celebrate by flying to his favorite spa for a long weekend. Then I’m going to surprise him with another fake pregnancy. Whoops…did I just say that out loud?”
The second wife has been the most pragmatic about the announcement. “Frankly, it’s about time this ridiculous charade was over. It’s been exhausting trying to hide his relationship with his boyfriend and my relationship with my girlfriend. The man needs to pay me my $50 million and let me get the fuck out of here. It’s Independence Day, bitches!”
Only one of the wives has had a bit of trouble getting used to the idea that her sham of a marriage was about to be disclosed to the world. The third wife was initially spotted sitting in a corner of the room, hugging her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth. Her eyes were red and hair disheveled, and she talked to herself in thin, papery whispers.
“Did we make it to five years?” she asked. “If we don’t make it to five years, the contract is void. What about my money? What about the career he promised me? I feel like such a fool. And when everybody finds out about all this, I’m definitely going to hell. And if the Devil doesn’t get me, the aliens certainly will. For reelz.”
Then, without warning, she suddenly perked up. “Wait, does this mean I can marry my daughter’s real father now? And that I can start eating again? Woo hoo! Somebody bring me my ex-boyfriend’s number and a cheeseburger!”