Every reality program eventually shakes things up to bring in new viewers and re-energize diehard fans, and RuPaul’s Drag Race is no exception: The show’s producers have already rotated in new judges, brought back voted-off contestants, had an all-star edition and forced the girls to work in teams.
The logical next step? Call in some star power with a celebrity version of Drag Race.
It would be easy to pick stars who have donned drag already (like John Travolta), gay celebs who are openly femme (like Carson Kressley), or even male actors steadfastly dodging gay rumors (John Travolta again). But to keep this fun, we’re imagining a star-studded edition of Drag Race with some less obvious contenders.
As we gear up for the Season Five premiere tonight, I present ten divas from the as-yet-unaired (and unfilmed and un-greenlit) season of Celebrity RuPaul’s Drag Race!
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Do you have a star you’d love to see on Celebrity Drag Race? Nominate them in the comments section!
HUGH JACKMAN
DRAG NAME: Harriet N. Ozzie
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: Have you seen him host the Tony Awards? Squirrelfriend can so do this.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: He makes a valiant effort at channeling Olivia Newton-John, but ultimately garners little notice.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: When Ru asks the contestants to record a song, there’s no question who will come out on top.
FATAL FLAW: His love of camp is a little much even for this show.
PATRICK STEWART
DRAG NAME: Helena Bonham Handbasket
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: There are few roles this man couldn’t play. But something about the prim shade he was throwing as Captain Jean-Luc Picard (which came across even bitchier than his portrayal of a gay man in Jeffrey) makes me think that a wig and frock would suit him particularly well.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: The show generally discourages breastplates, but Stewart knows that a Helen Mirren act wouldn’t be complete without the perfect pair of knockers.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: His triumphant lip sync of Whitney Houston’s “So Emotional” brings guest judge Clay Aiken to tears.
FATAL FLAW: Stewart has the rhythm of an old Englishman—the other contestants easily out-prance this grand dame during high-energy numbers.
MICKEY ROURKE
DRAG NAME: Mudd Ressla
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: Sheer desperation. His 15-second comeback is quickly expiring and momma needs a paycheck.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: An eerily accurate Barbara Hershey.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: For the Snatch Game episode, Rourke bakes a giant cake and makes Ru eat the frosting off his finger.
FATAL FLAW: Cover Girl doesn’t cover boy, and not even Sherwin-Williams could provide Rourke with enough concealer and foundation. The panel’s criticism of his makeup is withering.
KANYE WEST
DRAG NAME: Gucci Demon
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: People lost their minds when he wore a leather skirt at the Hurricane Sandy relief concert. After garnering that kind of attention, why wouldn’t he go all the way? Besides, now that he’s dating Kim Kardashian, he can get some awesome beauty tips.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: First Lady Michelle Obama.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: West snags an unexpected landslide victory in a challenge requiring him to walk seductively. In six-inch stilettos. Uphill. And backwards.
FATAL FLAW: Talking back to the judges whether or not they’re addressing him. Kanye and Michelle Visage would be perpetually on the verge of a fistfight.
KEVIN JAMES
DRAG NAME: Kimbra Queens
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: Penance for I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. He owes the gay community big time.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: Lisa Lampanelli. He commits so fully to his embodiment of the Queen of Mean that more than half of his responses need to be bleeped out.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: Fearlessly flaunting his figure after that Here Comes the Boom workout, he sails through the poolside swimsuit challenge.
FATAL FLAW: Unable to wrap his head (or mouth) around some Kylie lyrics, he must sashay away after his very first appearance in the bottom two. Elephant shoe, cantaloupe, and shalabalaba tuna.
APOLO OHNO
DRAG NAME: Olympian Dukakis
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: Ohno’s already been on Dancing with the Stars twice, so he’s accustomed to reality competitions—and knows how to shake that cute little rear end. Plus, ice skating is halfway to drag.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: You can’t deny this man’s resemblance to Mariah Carey.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: When an argument on Untucked nearly gets physical, he steps in tactfully, calms everyone down, and then comforts a tearful Kanye in the Gold Bar.
FATAL FLAW: Padding is difficult with his massive speed skater’s thighs.
CHRIS KLUWE
DRAG NAME: Fonda Tacklin
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: I don’t think there’s anything this athlete ally wouldn’t do to aid the LGBT community.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: Kiera Knightly, complete with an enormous powdered wig and hoop-skirted dress that barely fits behind the podium.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: Drawing on years of experience getting thrown to the ground, Kluwe effortlessly masters the death drop.
FATAL FLAW: A soft-spoken individual, he fails to bring the stank to the reading challenge.
DAVID BLAINE
DRAG NAME: Salem Slot
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: He’s an illusionist. Duh.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: Blaine’s sullen Aubrey Plaza act almost distracts the judges from the fact that he has very little personality.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: Everyone is impressed (but confused) when he emerges from a box that was supposed to contain Shangela.
FATAL FLAW: Having spent a great deal of time underwater, suspended in the air, buried in sand, or otherwise isolated, Blaine has trouble interacting with others.
SANTINO RICE
DRAG NAME: Bichon Wheels
WHY HE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: He wouldn’t. But this little sass-basket deserves a taste of his own medicine. Besides, someone has to go home first.
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: He doesn’t last that long.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: His runway walk is actually pretty good.
FATAL FLAW: Being Santino Rice.
YOKO ONO
DRAG NAME: Imogen Allthepeople
WHY SHE’D MAKE A GOOD DRAG QUEEN: She’s Yoko Ono! She can do whatever she wants. Are you going to tell her she can’t be on this show?
SNATCH GAME IMPERSONATION: Going arty (like she does), Ono portrays God in the body of a five-year-old Chilean girl.
COMPETITION HIGH POINT: When she first enters the workroom, all the other contestants try desperately to figure out what’s going on.
FATAL FLAW: Yoko’s not even here to win—she just wants to illustrate a larger point about societal beauty standards or something.
The new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race premieres tonight at 9pm on Logo.
Shadeaux
Santino better serve them Pusss-say!