Outing someone for the sake of outing them is never a good idea, just ask Gawker.
But what happens when there are repercussions involved that affect the people you love? The ethics become much more grey.
Luckily, people have the internet to turn to in times of crisis. And while that statement is meant to be ironic, in the case of one utterly perplexed woman, it turned out to be true.
A woman who created a throwaway account on Reddit explains her predicament:
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
It was my colleague’s birthday yesterday. He is gay and wanted some of us to come out to a gay bar with him to celebrate. Even though I am straight, I LOVE going to gay bars (they’re so much fun and play better music!) so I was looking forward to the night. We went out for dinner first and my boyfriend joined us. He left before we went to the club since he had to work a night shift at the hospital, told me to have a good night and he would see me the next day.
The night was going well. We were drinking, dancing, having a good time, when I noticed my boyfriend’s father across the dance floor. I had to do a double take. Let me preface by saying that, while I wasn’t completely sober, I was in no way intoxicated at this point. I thought it was odd that he was here, because:
1. He is straight (or so I thought), married to his wife for 30 years, and they have three children together and
2. He lives an hour and a half awayHe didn’t see me, but I watched him as he was laughing with another man and running his hand down his chest. Then they started making out intensely. I got sweaty and nauseous at the sight (not because he was kissing a man, but because he was cheating on his wife). I discreetly took some photos with my phone, just in case. I told my friend I wasn’t feeling well and had to go home.
I could barely sleep all night. I made sure to leave for work before my boyfriend got home from the hospital.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m literally at a loss right now.
That is certainly a doozy.
Comments poured in as you might expect — some said “You absolutely should tell him,” while others professed “You absolutely should not tell him, it’s none of your business.”
Related: Man Tries Convincing Girlfriend That “All Guys” Have Grindr On Their Phones
But one comment caught our eye (as well as the original poster’s eye) for it’s nuanced read of the dynamics at play.
This is they kind of guidance you usually have to fork over $75/hour for:
Let’s unpack this. There are several questions here.
Does your bf’s mother have the right to know?
Does your bf have the right to know? If he does have the right to know, should he hear it from his parents or from you?
Do you have a duty to tell your boyfriend?
I’m glad I’m not in your situation, and I honestly don’t know what I would do.
But I do think the bf’s mother absolutely deserves to know.
The rest of the questions are subjective. You know your relationship and your boyfriend. Only you can make that call.
But here’s another question, if you tell your bf, who then tells his mother, who in turn decides to forgive her husband… Would it have been worth it for hurting him with a situation that the parents have resolved?
What if his mother wants to process her feelings and do investigations of her own before telling her kids? Your boyfriend knowing will put pressure on her to react quickly before she’s ready and she might face judgement or pity if she decides to stay with him.
There are three relationships to consider here.
You and your bf – should you tell him a truth that you are not involved in and have no control over but that will still hurt him? Can you withhold this information and still retain that intimate bond and trust with him? Would he understand if he found out later that you knew all along but didn’t tell him?
Your bf and his mum – does she not have a right to choose what she tells her kids and when about her marriage?
Your bf and his father – if his wife forgives him in the end and they stay together, is it worth disrupting the father and son relationship?
Actually, while writing this, I decided I’d tell my bf. I wouldn’t be able to retain that intimacy while withholding such a big secret from him. I won’t set my relationship on fire to protect one that’s already going up in flames!
Good luck though, it’s going to be a rough ride.
PS. While we’re brainstorming, you could send everything you know including time, date, place, photos via a throwaway email account to your bf’s mum without telling your bf.
Or you could tell her face to face without telling your bf.
I wouldn’t go down this path due to my personal relationship dynamics but I can see them being options in different circumstances.
The doctor is in!
This question in particular stands out as a deciding factor: “Can you withhold this information and still retain that intimate bond and trust with him?”
Related: Straight Bro Confused By Warm, Tingly Sensation When He Spoons His Best Bud
And the woman thought so, too.
She responded to the advice:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You’ve provided me with so much logic and rationale for this entire situation.
I think I will tell his mother (whom I am close to) and I will tell my bf too. We just bought a house a couple of months ago and things have been great between us… I don’t want to risk losing what I have with him because I kept such a big secret. Our relationship is built on trust, honesty and communication; this is a big pill to swallow, but its something I think we can work through together.
I’m taking the next day to process everything, write down what I would like to say, and figure out who to tell first (my boyfriend or his mother). I need to be prepared for the fallout.
Hopefully Mom says, “Oh, we’ve been swinging for years, darling, but thanks for your concern!”
Do you think she’s making the right call by exposing what she learned?
Daniel Salmeron
Nothing, it’s none of her business
Shawn Goodman
So what? It’s her bfs dad. Unless of course they’re close and he’s cheating on a SO
Chase Schneider
She should talk to the Father first! Then her BF. They talk about him as if he has a drug addiction and they have to inform the family first, this isn’t a Lifetime Movie people.
Bauhaus
Or, she could have simply approached her boyfriend’s dad with a friendly hello and a hug. If boyfriend’s dad is living a double life, that’s on him. No need for her to be tied up in knots over seeing him in a gay bar. At least he’d know the jig is up.
Jon Mackey
None of her business
SashaVonAndris
What a ninja star! I’d be quiet, let the truth come out in its own time. Daddy didn’t see me at the club, why I gotta be scurd?!
Jon DeLeon
WTF is she doing in a gay bar???
Paco
The cheat has no rights to privacy if he gets busted by people he knows in public. That’s the price to be paid for selfish dishonesty.
Josh447
Bauhaus,
Perfect. I like that approach. Open and clear.
Potential news flash: The Mother already knows.
Steven Burr
Maybe “Mom” already knows and doesn’t care
Kevin Schupp
I wouldn’t touch this one with a ten foot pole. Getting into a family conflict over such a decisive situation could lose a boyfriend and bring retribution on the barer of bad news. If dad is this careless, he’ll get caught.
Kaaper
@Daniel Salmeron: Daniel, I disagree. The mother SHOULD know. We don’t know if daddy plays safe and that is a major concern. If he isn’t, he could get an STD or HIV and pass it to his wife. He made his bed, but the wife must know so that she can be tested. There is possibly an innocent person (wife) whose heath could be put in jeopardy!
Kaaper
@Jon DeLeon: She was honoring a gay colleagues request. Please re-read her account.
Dale James Thompson
None of her business.
Jim Fu Raskey
I’d tell the boyfriend I just bought a house with definitely that’s alot more than just dating. And let him decide what to do he knows his family best it would be his choice. They might even already know
notevenwrong
Straight women should shut up or stay away from gay bars.
Scott Redner
Go to the dad, tell him he “x” amount of days to tell the mom or you will let the cat out of the bag, then go on about your life
Derek Perron
Tell the BF and figure out what to do next TOGETHER!
Aromaeus
I have no love for closet cases who drag women into their mess. The fact that he’s driving over an hour and half away to go to a gay bar probably means his wife does not know or approve of his actions. She should most definitely tell her boyfriend but then let him decide on the next course of action. They are his parents and no matter how close she is to his mom that’s news he should deliver to her.
Also if he’s sleeping with men while possibly still sleeping with his wife he could be potentially exposing her to possible STI’s so yeah she should definitely be told what’s going on.
Juanjo
Thank you all who posted a comment about how straight women should not be in gay bars or who questioned why she was there. This indicates the poster did not read the actual article which covers why she was there – to join a gay co-worker who was celebrating his birthday.
The issue here is what the woman should do. The fact is that is a very difficult question to answer because it depends on the relationship between her and her boyfriend and with her boyfriend’s parents. She should consider that she apparently does not know the intimate details of the relationship between this man and his wife. So it is more than likely that this couple will not be happy that she was intruding into the matter regardless of whether the wife knows or not. This entire matter is likely to put a serious spike into her relationship with her boyfriend and/or the people who might be her future in-laws.
theleviteline.com
Heavy duty. Love that last comment/wish. Oh honey we’ve been swinging for years.
I hope she follows up and let’s us know the results.
desmond94114
I’m hoping someone told her a) stop going to gay spaces (I don’t care whether you enjoy it or not) and b) the queer who brought her there, stop bringing your straight girlfriends to our gay spaces. Yes we live in a different world of inclusion and I’m totally for it in most places (neighborhoods, businesses, and pretty much anywhere else in the world) but gay spaces are intended for gay men and women to cruise, have fun, hang out with other gay friends and possibly pick someone up. There are plenty of straight places to go.
Jere
There are a lot of assumptions going on here, including that the boyfriend’s mother doesn’t know what’s going on. The writer (and likely her boyfriend) have no idea what the situation is between his parents and it’s possible that the mother knows all about this. Maybe she even has a piece on the side of her own. Intimate aspects of her boyfriend’s parents’ relationship is none of anyone’s business but theirs…BUT the writer can’t unsee what she saw and can’t not know what she now knows. I think she should go to the father in as non-judgemental a way as possible and tell him what she saw and hear what he has to say. Then she can make the decision about whether or not to take it further. If he says that he and his wife have an arrangement, she needs to verify that. If this is straight up cheating and the wife has no idea, then she needs to give him a few days to tell his wife himself before she spills the beans.
SteveDenver
Maybe the wife knows. Older couples live with many situations that might surprise people on the outside looking in.
Send the pictures to the dad and let him know it is okay if he is gay or bisexua, it is not okay if he is cheating on his wife or putting her health in danger.
\That’s all. Leave it at that. Go on with your life.
Atomicrob
None of what she does will matter. 90% of these closeted gay men stay with their wives to maintain the veneer of heterosexuality. If they felt well adjusted enough to have come out when they realized they were gay, they wouldn’t be married. And please, no “I didn’t know until after I was married.” fantasies to assuage your guilt. We’ve all heard it all before. To thine own self be true.
batesmotel
It’s none of your business. Yes, cheating is deceitful and a character flaw, but it is none of your business. Turn a blind eye. Unless his wife is your best friend in the whole world for life, you stay out of it. I do agree with the “Jere” guy on here. If it bothers her that much, then talk to the father. Say you saw him. You’re not going to tell his wife, but that it prompted you to have questions.
JamJewel
How does the boyfriend feel about gay people – men, especially? This, I think, is the biggest indication of his upbringing and possible how people in his family would react. If he is homophobic, then his mother may be as well and the whole situation may blow up in her face if she confronts the mother OR the boyfriend. Tread carefully. I also agree that her best action would have been to breezily confront the father when she saw him then leave it in his court.
nmharleyrider
You are really only thinking of yourself and your relationship with your bf. Stay out of this. It’s really none of your business and telling anyone resolves nothing and could cause plenty of problems for the three people involved. What makes you think you have any responsibility in this anyway?
Celtic
“My lips are sealed.” “If I cannot say anything good, say nothing at all.” For all we know this man has been bisexual throughout his life. He was not “cheating” on his wife. He was NOT with another woman. There is a radical difference. For all we know, the wife knows. Perhaps even the son knows. Perhaps “on the Shadow knows” — if you are familiar with that one! >G<
The fact the girlfriend took photos is outrageously inappropriate. What? Is she going to blackmail him? She has no fucking right to pursue this. Stuck in her self-righteous binary mode she has a terribly destructive streak. Move on, bitch. If I were your boyfriend, I'd dump you in a heartbeat.
Celtic
@nmharleyrider: Thank you. All these super moralists confound and anger me to the heights of indignation.
mikedavis824
She should mind her own business. It’s a no brainer
Stached1
Ugh another made up and completely fake Reddit story/post.
David
@Chase Schneider: I would have to agree with you. If it were me, I might go to the father first. Let him decide how and when to tell his wife. My goodness, this is his life. Don’t blindside him. And frankly, we don’t what the husband and wife’s relationship is like. Maybe she knows.
JackFknTwist
Wow….what a nosey B.
And she took pictures…..in a gay bar.
WTF was she thinking of ?
Keep straights out of gay bars…..they’re disruptive, voyeurs and trouble.
Caeron
The only thing I think relevant here is the relationship between herself and her boyfriend. They’ve bought a house together, so pretty serious.
I think it is _very_ bad practice to keep big secrets in a relationship, so I think this is something she needs to discuss with her boyfriend for the sake of their relationship.
Whether she has a good relationship with her BF’s mother or not, that isn’t her business, it’s theirs. Butt out. What her boyfriend does with the information is his call, but I think she keeps her mouth shut other than the conversation with her boyfriend.
Jacques van Rooyen
She should mind her own goddam business
scotshot
I was 17 when my father told me he was seeing other women, I told him to never speak to me about it again. I kept my mouth shut. They’re both gone now and my sibling will never know.
It’s none of your or your boyfriend’s business.
lencho
@Jon DeLeon: …like she said, gay bars are more fun and the music’s and ambience a hundred times better. The same sentiments many of my straight friends (I am gay) expressed when they used to hang out with me in some of Seattle’s gay bars years ago (back in the late 70s and early 80s).
DarthKitsune
I think it’s not her place to tell anyone. I don’t know why she feels that it is, but it most certainly is not. I could understand if it was her own father. but she is not related to this man in any legal or biological way, and it is really none of her business how someone else conducts their life. She probably never considered the possibility that the man and his wife have an understanding, perhaps this is the man’s only outlet for his repressed gay side, that he paid his dues by staying with the woman he married and knocked up. He did the right thing, let him have his freedom.
She should take this “secret” to her grave and if and when it comes out, act shocked.
NateOcean
Go to the dad.
Tell him what you saw…
… But for $10,000 you can “forget”.
Richpontone
No,don’t tell them as they will all hate you.
Instead,make up an untraceable account and email your pictures and/or a short statement to his wife.
If asked,say you know nothing.
brparkrunner
@Bauhaus: Exactly, put the onus on him. There is a Stanley Tucci movie called, “The Daytrippers”, that is a harebrained version of this situation.
Kevin J Desmond
My question is .. what is she doing in a gay bar to begin with ? Secondly it’s none of her business what he’s doing there. Thirdly maybe the boyfriend already knows about daddy and uncle what’s his name.
LilMesican
Why didn’t she go to the dad? She should have approached him and soften the blow for everyone. She’s throwing him under the bus by trying to be the hero of the story.
Marcus Magix
Anyone who knows me knows I can’t stand a cheater definitely telling the BF, but I’m make it know 1st my ass would go up to the BF’s dad and his little BF and be like hey Mr. such and such HOW’S THE MRS. You know your SON AKA MY BF’S MOTHER! Then be like if you don’t come clear I will. Gives him till that following day.
John Malin
Frankly, it’s not her tale to tell. Taking the photos was the first mistake. If she has a burning need to talk about what she saw, go to the father and talk to him. His wife and kids may already know, or he may then decide to talk to is family. She’s living with her bf, but that doesn’t give her the right to impact his entire family. The bf might decide to dump her as a blabbermouth!
bear 3
If she wants to talk the only person to talk to is the das. Tell him what she saw, tell him she is upset and see how they can resolve this together.
serimph
She should tell her boyfriend if he is not a homophobic prick. It will be his job to tell his mom if he wants. There is not a good reason why she shouldn’t tell anyone because of the risk of STDs the father might be giving his wife.
Just cause its hard to be out and difficult to maintain your true sexuality doesn’t mean that gay bars should be some haven for cheaters for closet cases, which is appears that the majority of the users on this site are from the above comments.
You cheat, too f**king bad- you should get caught and have to deal with consequences, regardless of your out status.
Tommy O'Brien
Bitch should mind her business. If she rats I hope it blows up in her face
Berkleyguy
She should stay out of it – she would be walking down a very dangerous path. It could be a situation that everyone knows and it’s not talked about. And if it is something that is general knowledge, it will be revealed at some point. Leave well enough alone. That could very easily also be a family situation that you have no business getting into. I would give you this same advice even if you were married to your boyfriend.
Celtic
Such a reasoned response! Some who have read this commentary say it is nothing more than b/s. Well, maybe so; maybe not. I learned long, long ago NOT to put my nose in the business of others. You write, “It could be a situation that everyone knows and it’s not talked about.” Spot on! Most of my family knows that I am gay, either by admission or omission on my part. They simply “know” it and never talk about it. Thank God they respect and love me enough that my sexual orientation if the least of their concerns. I have been out for 48 years. Some know; some guess; some will never know.
Drew937
I think the assumption is that the wife doesn’t know about any of this. Perhaps the married couple have an understanding or agreement — they may or may not have told their son about.
I don’t know the details about my parents’ sex life or appetites — they didn’t share that with me because it wasn’t my business nor did they need my approval.
Never assume and never interfere, especially if you’re not a part of the family and it doesn’t affect you.
Drew937
@Celtic: I agree — didnt see your comment until after I posted. 🙂
Richpontone
Sorry,but if she tells anyone in the family,she will be branded as a rat or weasel as blood is thicker than water.
She is the outsider and they will turn on her.
The Boy Friend can always get another female girl friend but can’t get another father.
Send the tip anonymously and be done with it.
I have a feeling that the wife has her own suspicions. Women have a sixth sense about spousal cheating.They are not stupid.
riain
@Jon DeLeon: Did you not read the beginning of the ‘article’ ? She clearly explains how and why she was in a gay bar! Do you have issues with comprehension?
riain
She no clue as to why he was there nor if he having sex with anyone! She just needs to casually (in private) speak with him. She could mention that she thought she saw him go in or in the gay bar.
His reaction and what he says will let her know to keep quiet or to tell her husband.
Hal Jason Pischer
It’s none of her business to tell his mother, it is what it is and it’s only gonna get resolved when he gets caught or speaks about it himself.
nifty1jg
NONE OF HER BUSINESS.
If she cant live with it that is her problem. It is between him and his wife anyway. Not her. Maybe they have an arrangement – and thus he was 90 minutes from home.
I once met my cousin at a gay bar. He was married. The family had no idea. I didnt tell anyone.
Grow up sister! Welcome to life. Deal with your own and not someone else’s life.
Robert-in-Seattle
The fact that she wrote in her initial comment: “I discreetly took some photos with my phone, just in case.” puts her in the wrong right from the get-go. If she had been smart, she would have excused herself from her group of friends and gone up to the father and said a warm, friendly hello, letting him know why she was in that particular gay bar, and subtly letting him know that she knew and he was caught on the wilde side. But she should NEVER get into another family’s business…DIRECTLY. Just the hello would put the onus on the father to deal with the ramifications of her knowing just by the luck of her being there for friend’s birthday party. She wasn’t snooping (except for the “just in case” pictures she took – very bad taste), just happened to be thee and except for the pix, the weight is off her shoulders.
pscheck2
She is TOTALLY, TOTALLY WRONG!! It is none of her business and telling on the father is going to cause much heartache, for the son, mother and others in this relationship! He is possibly a very loving, nurturing husband-father and exposing him as gay would do more damage to all and may never be repaired! Probably the wife already knows or suspects he is gay, but she may just accept it for the greater good of the family! (She should not go to gay clubs–she sounds like a professional gossip!).
Brian
Just because you identify as straight, it doesn’t mean you can’t have same-sex feelings. Lots of men are like this – even though they identify as straight, they are capable of same-sex feelings and thus same-sex behavior.
It makes women jealous and resentful when a man is capable of turning away from her and towards the male sex. Much of what we call “homophobia” is the result of woman’s resentment.
CurlyMop
There is nothing I hate more than a closeted “gay/bi” trash(not man) who is married and cheats on their spouse. Who gives a shit what you whiny idiots think. Destroy him. Give him what he deserves.
CurlyMop
All closeted MARRIED men who cheat should be outed. I bet you dumb fucks think he should be defended just because he’s gay.
Hermes
It is not her business. I would be beyond furious if someone intervened in my life in that way – and I’ve been with a partner for 25 years, or nearly so. I believe he would tell me if he did anything unsafe, and I told him very early on that there was no discussion – I didn’t want to know if he decided to cheat on me and I didn’t want to meet or know the women (he is bisexual and I’m arrogant enough to think he would not go with another male) that he might do that with – but that if he did something unsafe he should tell me to protect myself until we knew he was clean. That is what works for me and works for him. We have children. If a person, whose business it is not intervened in any way – told one of our children, told me — that person would have an enemy – maybe even for life – and I’ve never considered anyone an enemy for life – so that is more significant than you might think. This woman has NO IDEA what arrangements are in place between this man and his wife. NONE. She has no understanding of how other people think, or what relationships they have. It is her duty to leave them alone, completely – and nothing else.
Hermes
@CurlyMop: No Curly this “dumb-fuck” thinks he should be “defended” because if it were me in the place of the wife, I WOULD NOT WANT TO KNOW. This woman does not know what arrangements exist between the man and his wife. She does not know anything at all except that she saw something that offended her and apparently your little sense of morality. NEVER engage in what is not your business. The only person she needs to worry about is herself. My arrangement with my life partner – who is bi – I am male – is that if he does anything with a woman I am not to know, not to meet her and never be told unless he thinks he may have done something dangerous – and then I’m only to be told that I should protect myself until the tests are safe and clean. That is obviously impossible for you to understand, too bad – it is not her business and if someone insisted on telling me something that I do not want to know, they would earn an enemy. Our relationship is our relationship, we made that arrangement as young men – its none of anyone else’s business. Sorry you can’t get that.
Celtic
@Hermes: Excellent comeback. The self-righteous moralists are always telling others how to live their lives; or, assessing how they not living up to the moralist’s self-claimed standard of morals. More often than not, these are the folks who betray and belie their own relationships; or, they have no relationships at all.
Gary McGonigle
3sum anyone?
Paco
It’s funny how many here are desperate to assume the married couple has some kind of arrangement or open relationship. Chances are he is doing what all cheaters do. Lying to the wife about work engagements so he can go cheat without giving anything up no matter who it ends up hurting. This isn’t your typical gay couple that has a cheating, oops I meant open relationship, we are talking about here people. I’m pretty confident the wife is unaware.
I hope the woman posts an update after the cheat is exposed.
Terrycloth
Hear no evil see no evil say no evil ….mind your own damn buisness.
Josh S
Is NO one being taught discretion and self-restraint anymore? This woman has zero right to spill a secret she discovered by accident. It’s not like the father was committing murder — he was just in a gay bar. If there’s marital infidelity involved here, that is between the father and his wife. This is nothing for this woman to agonize over. If the mother knows about this, the woman runs the risk of being viewed as a trouble-making gossip.
bottom250
HONEY!!!, it is non of your business.
Celtic
@Drew937: No problem at all! 😉
Bauhaus
At the bar, instead of taking pictures of boyfriend’s dad, a quick, “Hi, I’m here celebrating with friends from work – isn’t this place fun?! Let’s chat later, I’ve got to get back to my group.” Done. Let the chips fall where they may.
Freddie Gary
So wjatbarectey all doing there anyway??
Celtic
@bottom250: Totally spot on. What really puzzles me are the super moralists posting here how the guy should be outed, held hostage to blackmail, etc. I wonder how many of those back biters “sneak” into the parks at night, or hide their faces when entering gay bars. Scum of the earth.
tarc
To be honest, it’s entirely possible that after 30 years, the parents have decided to remain together emotionally, but not sexually. I find it doubtful that she doesn’t know – one way or the other.
Douglas Schlitz
Talk to the father first, tell him what you saw and tell him the circumstances where you saw it. If you just blurt it out to the family you May be ruining a number of lives !
There could be a LOT of things you are not aware of.
Do NOT JUDGE !
Paco
@Celtic: He has no one to blame but himself for getting caught in the act with his dishonesty. If she keeps this secret, it could really place her in an even more awkward situation should her boyfriend and his mother find out she knew but helped the father keep his cheating a secret.
dean089
I don’t see how it’s any of her business.
Jesus Malverde
Mind your own business! The husband’s sexuality does not concern you! You will only cause drama in the family and perhaps destroy it. It also most likely to destroy your relationship with your boyfriend. Sorry, dear, you as messenger will be blamed. To
girldownunder
@Bauhaus: Agree. She walks up to him & that moves the situation back to him.
This lets the guy know he’s been “caught” & allows him to handle it as he wishes. Either he says something like, “please keep this to yourself” (bad), or he says, “look, it’s cool, we’re in an open-relationship” or etc. (better).
At least there’s a shot at a dialog with the father vs. taking things into your own hands (so to speak).
Lastly, I feel a lot of you are being a bit harsh on the girl. She didn’t follow him to the bar to catch him, ffs. This is a case of, “what has been seen cannot be unseen” & she now is stuck with a “secret” she didn’t ask for. I applaud her reaching out for advice for this rather unfortunate event.
Imho
Celtic
@theben1965: REALLY? “Give him the option of coming out”? Are you even fucking gay?
dutchman67
First of all, there are not THREE relationships involved here…there are FOUR.
Why is the relationship of the father and his boyfriend not considered?
Typical, that gay relationships have to take a BACK SEAT to all others, or that they are somehow THREATENING to others.
This woman is flirting with emotional blackmail. She assumes that she can, must, or should tattle on the father, as if he is doing something wrong.
Why do so many women think that it is THEIR decision to meddle in other peoples lives, and to invade their privacy. That she took sneaky pictures of the father, shows that she is a rat already. She should STFU.
trell
I guess this is another slow news day.
Another Queerty contributor scours all the online problem pages, finds something gay-related & posts it on here so we can all play at being agony aunts, and indulge in a bit of bitchiness too.
It’s almost as bad as those Whisper columns that Queeerty seem to have had the good sense to stop.
Can we not just get back to proper news & LGBT interest articles? This is the editorial equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel.
As for the woman’s dilemma, the answer is simple. She should speak in confidence to the boyfriend’s father before doing anything else. No-one has any business to out anyone else. All this speaking to the mother/speaking to the boyfriend business is skirting around the problem.
theben1965
Why not talk to the boyfriend’s father and telling him what she saw and give him the option of coming out to his family first. It seems to me like the healthiest way of dealing with it for every one concerned.
Celtic
@girldownunder: What part of this that it’s NONE of her EFFING BUSINESS have you not caught?
notevenwrong
No, she has no business talking directly to the father either. If she has such a burning need to talk about it, let her talk to a shrink.
This woman is so obviously the instigator type. Who else in their right mind would take pictures “just in case”?
And a lot of straight people, especially this type of woman, are ruining the formerly fun gay bar scene. I am not against straights in gay bars, as long as they check their privilege and entitlement at the door.
Steven Zumbrun
Personally, I think this problem would be moot if she had simply approached the father in the bar when she saw him–casually, without judgment or questions, just mentioning that she was there with friends and seeming to assume he was too. This would have put the idea in his mind that his conduct is risky and bound to be discovered eventually, without ugly scenes. Now I am not sure what is appropriate. If he is definitely cheating and possibly putting his wife’s health at risk that is one thing, but mere presence in a gay bar is not evidence of cheating–for all she knows, he was there for the same reason she was and just got carried away. It all depends on her boyfriend and his mother’s attitudes toward homosexuality–are they bigoted, tolerant in an abstract way, or truly tolerant, with gay friends of their own?
yayjulian
@Jon DeLeon: did you not read the article? she enjoys them as a lot of straight women do.
yayjulian
It is her business. She should definitely tell. Who? i’m not sure. I would probably talk to the mother first.
Hermes
@yayjulian: Why is it her business? I repeat as I’ve said before – the woman does NOT know what arrangements there exist between the woman and her husband. Nearly a quarter of a century ago I had a simple conversation with my partner (who is bisexual) and told him that if he took a woman on the side I did not want to ever know- I never wanted to meet the person, never wanted them in my house and never wanted to hear their name. I only wanted to be told if I temporarily needed to take protective measures when we were intimate. If any “well meaning soul” saw him messing around with a woman and found it necessary to tell me – they would NOT find me friendly, receptive or greatful – on the contrary they would find that they had made a long term enemy. We had that discussion, I should NEVER be compelled to have some form of it again and no one has a right to intrude into my life and attempt to force me to have some form of it. People should mind their own business.
Regards.
Paco
@Hermes: You approach this from the perspective of a gay man where the unspoken expectation is that your man is going to cheat on you or demand an open relationship. What makes you think the wife of the man has any clue what her husband is up to?
How is this woman supposed to feel now every time her boyfriend takes her to family functions knowing what she knows about his father and unable to say anything? Why should she be punished by having to help keep the father’s secret? Why does his happiness matter more than all the others in his life?
Bauhaus
Nobody likes a snitch, Cindy Brady!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wQ_eP6p3tPs
Hermes
Alright, this very iffy system doesn’t want me to respond now. I’ve tried twice. Simply put I guess – bull – I’m not now and have never been part of the gay community. My sex partners when I was young and life partner now were people I either played sports or Dungeons and Dragons with. You can count my gay friends on one hand – my primary involvement is political. I know what works for me and for others I know including straight people — projection nearly never works.
OzJosh
Anyone who takes intimate pictures of someone without their knowledge is a c***. Planning to use those pictures against them, whatever the circumstances, is even more vile. If she tells the wife, thereby virtually throwing a bomb into someone else’s family, there’s a good chance her boyfriend will dump here pretty promptly. And she will have deserved it.
Maude
Tell the Dad and that you saw him and show him the picture you took with your phone,
and tell him after a short time, you must and will tell your boyfriend and let him and his parents work it out together.
The rest is out of your hands and only a really nasty prick (pun intended) would lay any blame on you.
Celtic
@Maude: You are SO dead wrong. I hope you suffer at the hands some day by a person who catches you doing something you do not want exposed. What a Pile of S**t you are.
queenrosered
@Jon DeLeon: Seriously? You must be the ONLY gay man (if you are gay, no assumptions)to not KNOW that straight women LOVE GAY MEN. And gay bars? OH MY! THE BEST. Where have you been hiding? lol…smh..
Celtic
@queenrosered: “Back in my day” (being a much older gay man at this point in life) women loved being around me and my gay friends. A few of them said being around gay men allowed them to relax and put away their defenses because of the aggressiveness of so many str8 guys who put so much pressure on women to “put out.” I even knew a few women who were cuing up to bed down with men, if I ever wanted to go there — which I didn’t. My brother once remarked how he so envied me because of the number of women who would walk by undressing me with their eyes while I had not a clue!
CoasterQueer41
@nmharleyrider:
Well I hope you share the same sentiment if someone were to catch your boyfriend running around on you.
Celtic
@CoasterQueer41: THANK YOU! My thoughts exactly, expressed somewhere in all this mess! Those who sit in such high and mighty positions of judgment quite often are the ones already doing the naughty. That old saying, “Do as I say; not as I do” comes to mind.
CoasterQueer41
So just a question then…. For all of you who say she was in the wrong, are you saying its alright that he might cheating on his wife? Just wondering on the perspectives ??
heckles202
It wasn’t an arrangement. He cheated so blow his ass up!