The woman recently wrote into advice columnist Meredith Goldstein at The Boston Globe to share her tale of woe and find out how to navigate the sticky situation.
“My friend ‘Marissa’ and I have known each other for over 15 years,” the friend writes. “About five years ago, she started dating this guy, ‘Tom.’ I never particularly cared for him. He knows how close Marissa and I are, yet Tom never made any effort to get to know me. I also got the sense he was gay.”
Eventually, Marissa and Tom were married. And now, it turns out the friend’s gaydar may have been accurate.
“Last night, Marissa’s little sister called me to tell me that one her friends had found Tom on Grindr,” the woman writes. “I don’t know what to do. I know I have to tell Marissa, but how?”
To complicate matters, the sister is only 16, and the friend now feels she must address the issue so the teenager isn’t left with the task.
“How do I confront him?” she wonders. “Or should I skip confronting him and just bring the evidence to her? If so, how do I do that without having her hate me for this?”
“I’m completely devastated for her,” the friend concludes, “but don’t want to be cruel and force him out of the closet.”
Goldstein’s advice: “Don’t confront Tom. Your relationship is with Marissa, so you have to focus on her.”
Goldstein goes on to suggest that the friend first tell Marissa about the alleged Grindr account.
“Explain that you’ve had trouble deciding what to do about the information, but that if the tables were turned, you’d want to know,” she advises. “Tell her you’re not making any assumptions or judgments, at least not about her. You just want to be a good friend. You just want to make sure she’s OK.”
Goldstein also warns “she might hate you for being the messenger. She might deny that this is important information, or tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about. If that happens, all you can do is reiterate that you love her.”
“Let her know that she’s your first priority, no matter what. Let her know you’ll follow her lead.”
What do you think? Should the friend tell Marissa her husband may be hooking up with guys on the side (or at least “looking for friends”), or should she keep her mouth shut? Vote in the poll below.