Would You Like To Buy This Lovely Homosexual Sofa?

Well here’s one way to sell your wares on Craigslist (and run the risk of getting flagged): Come up with a lovely little biography for the furniture you’re trying to hawk. Like one person in Austin did for Joepha, a fitness-obsessed Lady Gaga fan who will please any size queen.

GORGEOUS HOMOSEXUAL SOFA FOR SALE

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m pretty sure my couch is gay – which in my tolerant household is fine and that’s really not the reason I’m selling him – I swear. It’s just that I’m moving and can’t take him with me. I’m fine with him just the way he is. Seriously! What???
So why am I convinced my sofa is gay? Well….. you be the judge:

Clue #1) He’s obsessed with his fitness. Unlike his owner, he’s always trying to stay in shape. Granted, he’s only three but he’s constantly flexing his handsome springs and impressing neighboring couches with his stuffing. Honestly, what heterosexual sofa can reel off his measurements at the drop of a hat? 84” Long (he’s really proud of that one), 37” deep, 30” high… I’ve heard it so many times he’s even got me reciting them now. This is embarrassing.

Clue #2) Joepha (oh, that’s his name – Joepha the sofa) does nothing but bask in the sun. Just look at this golden tan! He maintains this color year round although I suspect I’ve seen some lowlights during the winter months, he contends it’s just to “stay neutral” and go with everything. Riiiight.

Clue #3) Joepha is no fan of children. He stubbornly refuses to let the little rug rats get near him. I’ve had discussions with him about his attitude but all I got in return was a “Z” snapped in my face and a lecture on taking care of my skin. (sigh) Joepha contends children are a menace to his mocha dermis and as such doesn’t permit children, drinks, smokers, or pets anywhere near him. To quote him: “ghurl, you don’t look this good by letting just anyone crawl up on you.” (Two things here: number 1, I’m a guy and number 2, for full effect you should whip your neck back and forth, kind of like a cobra, when you read that sentence)

Clue #4) While filing his nails on his big, chocolaty feet, he breezily suggested I change the word “handsome” to “gorgeous” in this ad’s title. “Type up something that suggests a Roche Bobois and then back off that just a hair” he added. Yeah, I had to look it up too.

And, finally, despite a strict curfew, Joepha arrived home from last night’s Lady Gaga concert at 4AM, promptly texted in sick to work and relegated me to the club chairs until he’d had his “disco nap”.

Bottom line: Joepha needs a good, tolerant, loving home where his new parents will not try to change him. He responds well to prolonged exposure to HGTV, OWN and (sigh) anything on Bravo.
If you can pick him up and carry him out to your vehicle (on your own – I kind of want him to think this is being done against my will) he’ll serve you well. We live on the 2nd floor of a South Austin apartment (which Joepha describes as our “Austin pied-à-terre”). [tear] I’m gonna miss that little gay – errr, I mean guy.