Each week online comedian, voice actor and chest hair model Sam Kalidi creates a comedic post for Queerty readers. This week he considers the possible homophobia in noting that you’re masculine in your online hookup profile and you’re seeking masculine only. He welcomes your hate mail. You can find him on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and at your local glory hole.
The problem with gay guys who write "Masculine for Masculine Only" on Grindr. pic.twitter.com/MMx2z0zVxO
— Sam Kalidi (@samkalidi) May 4, 2016
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Kinda “problematic” fighting flamer hate with flamer hate ain’t it? Anyone Could be forgiven in thinking YOU think there’s something unattractive about effeminacy hmmmmm.
Go to answer the question question : no…but it’s douchey; better to be duplititous and hypocritical about it instead
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
* but to answer
Stache
Nope. Nothing homophobic about it at all.
SnakeyJ
This isn’t even the “author’s” joke. He took a clip made by someone else, which I saw a couple years ago, and just added a caption. This isn’t the first time he’s used other people’s work as his own.
Godabed
it’s misogynistic and homophobic. Misogynistic because femininity is equated to weakness which is seen as an undesirable trait. Homophoibic because there is this pressue to appear to be “Straight acting” or “Normal” and to perpetrate what exactly it is to be a “MAN” and queer men are not seen that way be Normal societal standard which is why the push to change that perception of Queer culture and lifestyle today. There is no right and wrong way to be a “MAN”. There once was societal standards for that, but those are mostly not consistent at all. So the issue becomes how do you determine this, and to do so you compare and contrast masculinity with femininity, the traits that are not seen to be “Manly”.
For example: Wearing a dress, eye liner, high heels. In this current date and age these would be seen as feminie and mostly undesirable in a “MAN” but if you change the period and locations these were all things men actually wore and were seen as trait of being a “MAN”.
So when someone is telling you they desire “Masc4Masc”, it tells you they internalize distain for femininity and don’t want to be seen as weak or queer because both are associated with being Homosexual, not comfortable to accept both their masculine and feminine side. Men aren’t even genetically that different from women. This really boils down to societal pressures, and hating yourself.
Masc Pride
Nope. Nothing wrong with simply stating what you want. We all have likes and dislikes. Live and let live. Only a total loser gets outraged because of a total stranger’s profile text.
Lots of fem4masc out there too. #justsayin’
Royale
Homophobic? No.
Shallow? Yes.
Queerty keeps posting the same thing under a different headline, but it’s all the same.
Yes, people are shallow. No fats, no fems, no asians, no blacks, no this, no that. No reason to change.
Hussain-TheCanadian
@Masc Pride: out of curiosity Masc, when you look at your own behaviour and thoughts, are they 100% masculine or are there feminine traits as well?
Stache
@Godabed: Masculine does not = straight. Plenty of feminine straight guys too. Now if they said they were looking for a “straight acting” guy your argument would have more substance.
Billy Budd
I am totally MASC and my boyfriend is Half-FEM. I love him and I love fucking him every night.
WhattheF
Time to return to reality… It is a descriptor followed by a statement of preference.
Masc Pride
@Hussain-TheCanadian: Men and women–hetero, bi, gay and flexible–all have characteristics of both masculine and feminine. No one is 100 percent either side. We’ve all heard this point argued ad nauseam. To answer your question more directly, I would say my masculine interests far outnumber any interests that could be considered more feminine.
dinard38
Homophobic? Heck no!!
Look, we are ALL attracted by a variety of personality and physical traits. We may be attracted to a person’s skin tone, weight/body structure, masculinity (perceived)/femininity (there are guys out there that are attracted to feminine men. It goes both ways), race. We ALL have preferences and yes, some of them may seem shallow to others (I had one idiot tell me that he wasn’t attracted to me because my upper lip was darker than my lower lip. No joke. LOL!!) But we are attracted to who we are attracted to.
I personally wouldn’t date a feminine guy because that’s not what I’m attracted to. So does that makes me homophobic? Isn’t being homosexual about being attracted to the masculinity of another man?
I say….do you, Boo!! If you don’t want fats/fems or no blacks, asians, etc., it’s your prerogative. You will be limiting yourself, but that’s on you.
My only issue is when we have SOOOOO many stipulations. You wonder, who could live up to that person’s standards. You say no fats or fems, but how do you define fat or fem? There is a broad spectrum of body types and a broad spectrum of masculinity/femininity. Another issue I have is when a person is only attracted to another race other than his own (ex. a black man only attracted to white, or a white man only attracted to hispanic/black). I do think that that is internalized racism.
onthemark
Homophobic? Of course.
Delusional? Oh, probably almost always!
spankt
FFS the whole point of being able to describe what you find attractive (however shallow or twisted) is to save yourself and other guys all the wasted time of awkward go no-where dates.
It’s not like you had to drink with every guy between the door and the twink you spotted in the bar in the old days – people connect with those light their fires.
As to why … there is probably a serious study to be done on what drives interest in sexual stereotypes but in its absence I suggest that in part you gravitate towards those who more closely fit your first crush/love/attraction – and in smaller communities that is often the straight boys at high school.
Hussain-TheCanadian
@Masc Pride: I ask because I find myself being a mixture of both, not equally ofcourse I am more masculine in behavior and thought, but I do recognize that I have a lot of feminine features as well.
I think there is a touch of individuality in all of us; I really don’t like watching sports, and I don’t like watching fashion shows either (two extremes perhaps?) – I prefer masculine men as well, but I think Feminine men have their charms as well.
People around me tell me i display feminine behavior/qualities when I’m excited or drunk – Do you have similar experiences?
youarekiddingme
@Godabed: Your statement about men not being that genetically different than women just doesn’t hold water. You can count genes if you wish, but that’s an extremely simplistic view of science. Genes have a far more complex function in the body than a simple count and determining which has penis and which has vagina. For a very light overview on the subject try reading this: http://theconversation.com/differences-between-men-and-women-are-more-than-the-sum-of-their-genes-39490
I don’t know where you get the idea that someone’s preference about a masculine trait is homophobic? Do you know the definition of homophobic?
Unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals or homosexuality. (Ref: Dictionary.com)
I don’t think a gay man who prefers a masculine gay man “has a fear of antipathy toward homosexuals or homosexuality…”
Lighten up Francis!
KiwiJello
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to say what you do want in an ad, but there is no reason to state things like no Asians, no fats, no fems. If you state what you what, it pretty much implies what you don’t. If someone you aren’t interested in sends you a pic or a note, grow a pair and tell them you aren’t interested. You don’t have to be a dick about it.
fleetsailor07
Haha. It’s only “homophobic” if you are admitting that by definition, “homosexuals are not masculine” because the implication is that only seeking masculine men means you’re excluding anyone who is gay because you have a “phobia” of them. Hilarious.
One one hand, I’m thoroughly enjoying this move that’s been made since I was a kid to the idea that “everything masculine is bad and base and therefore everything feminine is enlightened” so now almost all the guys I know “identify” as chicks or are quite girly – and while that’s hot (to me) I don’t get the “masculine is bad!” when that seems to be the big draw because all I hear all over CA are bottoms crying out “The struggle is REAL!” it’s kinda funny. Live and let live, it’s actually OK to have a variety! I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said “it neither pricks my pocket nor breaks my leg” and that’s how I look at most things.
Daniel-Reader
The video in the article post is homophobic. Pretty hypocritical. Masc 4 Masc is fine if you are masc, just like Fem 4 Fem is fine if you are fem. It is whiny if you are masc and complain about fem 4 fem, or if you are fem and complain about masc 4 masc. Just accept you aren’t everyone’s cup of tea and devote your energy to people who appreciate you – like telling a straight woman that a gay guy is never going to fall for her.
misterhollywood
Honestly, I do not think so. That video may have some issues but speaking just on the question of listing masc 4 masc – it is completely fine.
Perhaps it is just me but it seems like people who are seeking masculine are shamed for doing so.There is a huge difference between someone writing, “Acts straight” vs. “Masc 4 Masc”.
On a related note, people get offended when someone writes: “I prefer someone fit” or “Muscular for Muscular”.
Interesting question for sure!
Giancarlo86
PEDOPHILE TROLL >>>>>> @youareKIDdingme: <<<<<< PEDOPHILE TROLL
David Aventura
I think everyone is entitled to have their preferences. What’s most interesting to me is that, preferences intact, so MANY gay men are pathetically lonely. No man in sight for more than 3-6 months at a time. Always seeking perfection and living in mediocrity!!!
Shaych
And next up… posting a gay male sex ad is now sexist against women. And wanting someone hung is against the penis challenged… and wanting a top or a bottom is discriminatory.
noctraptor
When i was younger I believed all gay men were expected to be fem or queens. It wasnt untill i was nearly in my 30s that i understood the full spectrum of what gay men were. I had to fight with my perception of what a gay man was and could be. So that i could be my self. Im not overly masculine but just a run of the mill guy. And thats fine.
We put way way too much stock into whos fem whos butch. Its a personal perferance. If your offended by one term or the other it sounds like you need to do some soul searching and figire out why it bothers YOU so much. Be fem be butch and find some one who loves you for exactly who you are. And lets others do the same.
skalidi
@SnakeyJ: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to troll the internet with toxic comments. Have a wonderful weekend 🙂
TampaBayTed
More P.C. B.S.
Stache
@Giancarlo86: You might want to bone up on the definition of an internet troll. I’m not taking sides but it seems your acting like one right now.
“Internet slang, a troll (/?tro?l/, /?tr?l/) is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community”
dwes09
@Godabed: “it’s misogynistic and homophobic.”
It is definitely not misogynistic unless you believe (and believe is the key word here) lack of interest in sex or romantic entanglement with women is misogynistic.
Women are hugely different from men biologically. It is called being sexually dimorphic, and all of the great apes (what we are in taxonomic terms) display this characteristic. Note for example, that beyond gross morphological differences (bone structure, body hair, larynx size, proportional size of various muscles and adipose deposits) there are huge physiological differences. Not being attracted to “womanness” in men is not in any sense misogynistic except in the imaginary worlds of “queer theory” or “social theory”, which need no grounding in fact.
And it is not homophobic, it is simply a matter of taste. One could (since “queers theory is simply an exercise in making excuses for behavior you prefer) in fact argue that being attracted to men of an opposite nature is homophobic as it buys into the dichotomous nature of heterosexual pairing.
‘There is no right and wrong way to be a “MAN”’
One could argue, based on evolutionary psychology and biology that there is. Even when men wore wigs, makeup, codpieces, high heels (which were an exaggeration of the boots worn for hunting on horses actually), they still adhered to a code of behavior dictated in part by evolutionary differences between the sexes. And those fashion trends did not extend down below the upper/courtly classes whose dress and manner was not all that differen from ours today. There certainly is a way to be a man that is more congruent with the evolutionary imperative (physically more competitive, greater upper body development, visually driven sexually, more aggressive and territorial), and there is no reality based way to consider those qualities within oneself or attraction to that by another man as homophobic.
I am not trying to denigrate other ways of being or other kinds of attraction, just to point out the foolishness of opinions based on opinions rather than observable fact. Nor am i denying that all forms of behavior exist on a bell curve, serve a purpose and require respect. It is however presumptuous to create an imaginary standard (we are all to strive for androgyny or indulge a presumed feminine side) and present it as the ideal.
OzJosh
The “masc” guys who are obsessed with meeting only other “masc” guys are invariably nowhere near as “masc” as they think. There’s the gym junkie variety who think that all the work they’ve put into abs and pecs somehow blinds everyone to how light they are in their loafers. There’s the rigidly-normal guys who have studied and replicated everyday masculine behaviour with scientific precision, other than needing to dress in panties and be fucked like a princess in order to get off. Or there’s the married-with-children-and-therefore-unquestionably-hetero type who genuinely has no idea that every pore of his being betrays his true sexual orientation. It’s all pretty hilarious.
David Aventura
@OzJosh: Very well said. Most “masculine” men are only fooling themselves. Usually, love affairs fall off once one partner realizes that the other is just as effeminate as they are.
Bauhaus
Contrived masculinity is not masculine.
heavylifter
Sadly, genuinely masculine men are a small minority in the gay subculture.
There are a few fems who attempt to appear masculine in order to fool masculine guys into sleeping with them. This of course is never successful. It is these scorned queens who them usually become extremely hostile to masculine men and transform into Progressive zealots, parroting feminist nonsense by some dried up old mannish lesbian academic.
Godabed
@Stache: “Masculine does not = straight.” exactly, and that was the point of the post, which completely went over your head. the definition of what it is to be a “man”, which i stated above is mostly inconsistent these days. But Gay men and most heterosexuals equate masculinty more often with straightness (Passing, Straight-acting comes into play to try to fit into societal norms), which historically queerness was not seen as so.
As for other people attempting to cherry pick what was said about this: “Men aren’t even genetically that different from women.”
It’s not an absolute statement, i was very careful in my choice of words in regards to the XX and XY chromosomes we aren’t “THAT” different. So please get over yourselves.
For those less enlightened and still don’t understand how Masc4Masc is homophobic and misygnotistic take this opportunity to educate yourself about the society and history that causes such notions. I’m not here to debate with you and i’m certainly not your teacher. You clearly have the internet use it. Do your own research. Because i don’t have all day to address your issues with why masc4masc is what it is.
heavylifter
@Godabed: You are a pretentious know it all queen aren’t you?
“Educate yourself” of course means brainwash yourself with pseudo intellectual Feminist 101 propaganda like Godabed has.
“Because i don’t have all day to address your issues with why masc4masc is what it is.”
And yet it is your sort who seem to have all the time in the world to whine online about masculine gay men blocking you fems on Grindr and other hookup sites.
Stache
@heavylifter: In Godabeds world anyone who isn’t attracted to effeminate queens like herself is automatically labeled a misogynist and homophobe and whatever other bad stuff she can think of.
youarekiddingme
@heavylifter: @Stache: And still doesn’t know the basic meaning of the word, “homophobe”. Talk about needing to “educate yourself.” Someone (Godabed) needs to use a dictionary.
Goforit
@heavylifter: @youarekiddingme: @Stache: @Giancarlo86: What is this: a class reunion of the Trump Debate College?
Josh447
What’s fascinating about this subject is that 10 years ago such conversations didn’t even exist. No one cared about what you listed in a profile as your preferences. Now today it seems like there’s a whole arsenal of conflict regarding masculine feminine fat thin whatever, and some people are really charged up about it. What is it that riles people today but didn’t yesterday? Less bar scene more online? I’m really not sure. Anyone have some ideas?
onthemark
@Josh447: “Less bar scene more online?” Yeah that’s it. When the “masc” guys were delusional in person, nobody needed to know about it. Now they’re delusional online.
youarekiddingme
@Goforit: Anything to add? Just kibitzing?
Louis
It comes across as more desperate and insecure quite honestly.
It always seems more like masculine men are acting more like straight men as if to act as if their masculinity is superior towards those who may not be as masculine as they are .
Its a turn off its not a good personality trait and its just juvenile and uneducated.
Preferences are one thing but its the intent and the attitude of the message thats the problem.
Chris
I’m masculine and like only masculine guys. Be who you are, but I like what I like. I’m not going to fuck some twink (or get fucked by one) JUST to satisfy some asshole’s idea of what it means to be PC. I can’t help if f some fem guy can’t give me a hardon…..and I won’t apologize for that fact, either. Give me a hairy chest and big arms any day!