FUGLY FASHION

You And Your Hipster Pals Are Too Fugly To Work At American Apparel

I already kinda despised American Apparel for hocking their badly designed “Legalize GAY” briefs for $18 a pop, but now it looks like there’s something else to hold against them — ex-employees accuse them of hiring and promoting employees entirely on looks. And while that explains the coke whore in zebra print hanging out at the cash register, I wanted to see how many average young freaks their dress code disqualifies. I found several candidates from Look at This Fucking Hipster and most of them would never pass AA’s fashion muster, even if they are their best customers.

Just a note: American Apparel’s chief Dov Charney recently issued a statement calling Gawker‘s coverage of American Apparel’s hiring and retention policies “erroneous.” Charney added that his company “legitimately reviews current photographs of job applications and employees to consider their sense of style and the way in which they present themselves and that this “is a standard practice among fashion-forward retailers.”

This “standard practice” reminded me of Abercrombie and Fitch. They used to hire chiseled white folks to represent the brand’s look by working the front of the store. Meanwhile A&F relegated the less seemly people of color into low-visibility, back-of-the-store jobs. That “standard practice” ended up costing A&F a $40 million out of court class action settlement.

Charney included his personal phone number in his statement. So I called him. His voicemail wasn’t set up, but he called me right back.

“I love Gawker,” he tells me, “but I think some people forget that it’s more for entertainment than it is news.” He contends the emails were from disgruntled employees and that some might have been faked. He also said that any company has a right to photograph its salespeople “everyday if they like” and that his hiring decisions are based more on a person’s sense of style rather than their physical attractiveness. “Myself and my company have always operated with transparency and I think people are taking advantage of that. Walk into any of our stores and you’ll get a sense of our commitment to diversity.”

Thanks Charney! But while you may want your salespeople to be walking advertisements for your clothes, considering how much gold lamé your average print model has crammed between her butt cheeks, perhaps you should reconsider. Either way, I’m still gonna mock your company by writing this article. Old customers can be so cruel, no?

DENIED

DRESS CODE VIOLATIONS:
a) Hair should look natural. Excessive product to the extent of creating stiffness and an unnatural or greasy appearance to your hair is advised against.

c) Hair must be kept your natural color.

e) Belts must be worn with trousers that have belt loops.

– Tattoos should be covered up.

ASSESSMENT: We like the credit card in your left hand almost as much as we like your left-leaning bulge. But wouldn’t your wad look better in chartreuse denim or a purple-black striped romper rather than in a re-tailored ladies pair of Dockers? Also, your power Cheetah is fun, but at work you’ll have to put the animal back in the cage. Jesus saves!

DENIED

DRESS CODE VIOLATIONS:
d) Jewelry must not be distracting. Please do not wear accessories with another brand’s logo on it- this includes watches… Earrings, necklaces, watches, bracelets, etc. must be simple and tasteful.

– “Bangs” or “fringe” are advised against. It is not part of the direction we’re moving in.

– Up to date eyewear is a must!

ASSESSMENT: We’re digging your whole Lisa-Bonet-graduates-from-The-Cosby-Show-to-A-Different-World look, but what are you wearing? Are those like 3 different necklaces? And your belt definitely counts as a big necklace too. And is that cracked turquoise nail varnish I see at the end of your rayon sleeved-arm? I could fit my arm through your beltloops.

DENIED

DRESS CODE VIOLATIONS:
a) Button-up shirts must be tucked in to trousers.

c) Please do not wear any earrings.

d) Please do not wear accessories with another brand’s logo on it.

ASSESSMENT: Your entire ensemble would be OK if they were all from our store. We’d really prefer you wear something tight enough to count your ribs through your shirt. Facial piercings? Nuh-uh. And a checkered cufflink through your ear?! Double nuh-uh. LOL on the GameBoy (be sure to ditch that 2-bit brick-sized monstrosity arond your neck before coming to work. You’ll be selling sell fuschia-colored underwear, so have some self-respect for crap’s sake).

PERFECT!

ASSESSMENT: We’d prefer your hair weren’t so obviously bleached and that you didn’t own that ugz lime purse, but you’ve given us enough to work with. Your tights aren’t torn and your leopard print shorts really fit the American Apparel look. So do your caftan and the horribly mismatched bottles of blueberry and coconut-flavored liquor.

DENIED

DRESS CODE VIOLATIONS:
a) Makeup is to be kept to a minimal- please take this very seriously… concealer is understandable if it looks natural- ie. not clumpy or caked on, must match your skin tone). Please do not use a shiny gloss on your lips; any lipcolor must be subtle.

-Hair must be kept your natural color.

-Blow-drying hair excessively could cause heat damage, so this is advised against.

b) Eyebrows should be natural. Please do not dye your eyebrows a different color or overpluck them.

c) Males should not wear makeup.

ASSESSMENT: Please don’t sue us. Dov would like to have a special meeting with just you and him in his office after the store closes. We hope you like cloves and Manischewitz. XO

PERFECT

ASSESSMENT: This young man’s shoes and taste in suspenders really embody the “classy-vintage-chic-late 80s-early 90s-Ralph Lauren-Vogue-Nautical-High end” sophisticated look we’re going for. Both smart yet ironic, fashion forward yet iconic. Hire him immediately!

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