10 Cutting-Edge Features Of The iPhone 7 We Simply Need

Although Apple has been highly secretive about what new conveniences the iPhone 7 will offer, rumor has it the upcoming model will be studded with several exciting new features, and publications are scrambling to figure out just what they are.

On the heels of the projected product launch (September 16), here are the top 10 game-changing features we’d most like to see:

1. Face recognition, followed by fierce read

2. “Vibrate” now equipped with three settings: “Easy Does It,” “There You Go,” “E.R.”

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3. Watersport-proof design

4. Charges by inserting USB Cord into unusually strong Flirtini

5. Flummoxed Bea Arthur hologram shakes you awake each morning

6. Slammed twice against your hip, it becomes a tambourine

7. Siri replaced with SRSLY (bitchy gay P.A.) and Surly (angry dyke P.A.)

8. Super app that combines all dating apps into one to avoid the feeling of desperation that comes with rapidly switching between grindr, scruff and tinder at 2am

9. A side-facing camera for perfectly capturing side-eye

10. “Apple slay” — it’s like apple pay, but for tipping drag queens