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10 Reasons to Slap Justin Bieber, and Then Hold Him


There’s been an avalanche of Justin Bieber news last couple of days and it’s hard to keep up! Videos are surfacing! Phone calls are being made! The Internet is angryangry!

Oh, Justin. What are we going to do with you?

After we tear you down and list all your sins and watch you weep in remorse, we’re going to pull your young, smooth body into our arms and hold you tight, and take the weekend to relax and talk some sense into you between dips in the pool and reading to each other. Then you’re going get your skinny white ass into your new Prius and drive to Harlem and get to work on the Clinton Global Initiative initiative you talked to Bill about and put all of those Wild Kidz and crazy teen marijuana-inspired antics listed below behind you.

Because you’ve got potential, Justin. And we are Beliebers, or whatever they’re called.

You did a ridiculously un-cool where-are-my-mom-jeans anti-cyber-bullying PSA last year that probably inspired more bullying than it stopped.

One of your Wild Kidz Lil Twist was arrested early this morning after cops caught him running a red light going 69 in a 45 on the way home to your Calabasas crib. And they found the pot, so it’s a DUI. This is your fault, of course.

On Tuesday night you knowingly drank alcohol and you’re only 19, Justin! in a Chicago nightclub with your Boyz and the cops were tipped off and they came in and now the club is going to have to pay a fine. And we’re sure the Bodi Nightclub at 873 N Orleans St., Chicago, IL 60610 open Tu-Sun 10pm-4am is very upset over all the fuss and attention.

You managed to give Bill Clinton a little publicity boner after TMZ published a cell phone video shot in NYC earlier this year of you not only urinating out of your baggy boxers into a kitchen mop bucket but then taking a bottle of Windex and spraying it on a picture of the first black president (Bill Clinton) and shouting “Fuck Bill Clinton!” This makes no sense whatsoever unless you’re 19 and smoking weed. Plus, Anthony Bourdain called you “squirrel balls.”

Also on Tuesday in Chicago you stepped on the Blackhawks logo and got too chummy with the Stanley Cup, both offenses punishable by who knows what but Chicagoans and hockey fans and especially Chicago hockey fans are pissed!

Last month your Wild Kidz Lil Twist (now arrested) and Lil Za were caught on tape terrorizing! your Calabasas gated community neighbors by driving in front of them and giving them attitude and claiming they were residents and that really pissed off the neighbors because they know you’re the one who pays association dues and these guys, these “kidz” are just punks and the gated streets are not safe with them driving your expensive car toys. And they swore! “Did you get that?”

You posted an Instagram video after smoking out. (It’s pretty funny, actually, especially when you’re high.) What were you thinking!

A girl at a basketball game says you were rude to her, Justin. Like you were sitting right next to her and you were standoffish, but it’s a game Justin, and we’re all supposed to be having fun! Is this because you get shy when you’re high? Then you were a creeper and were looking at her phone. Not done.

In January you were mean to another lady at the Ritz-Carlton of all places (also not done) when you guys were working out next to each other. She says you said you were hung over, not like you were apologizing but just stating this was the case, and your buddy told her to shut the fuck up. Now is that really necessary, little brah?

Oh, that whole Anne Frank House business. Hey, I agree, no good deed goes unpunished, little man. You were making an effort to do something more meaningful in Amsterdam than just smoking hash which you can buy right in a store and everything! but you screwed up and made it about yourself with that visitors book comment about Anne being a belieber, didn’t you? And listen, you’re right, it was hilarious, but only in your mind.

You know, if you wanted to trace where this whole jump on Justin thing started, maybe it was Letterman. You were adorable and charming and you’d just gotten the new haircut and there was Selena and things were great! And then you said it: “Sixteenth Chapel.” Uh boy. It’s Sistine Chapel, buddy. Ohhhh. And you could see the delight in Dave’s eyes as he thought. “This kid is going down.”

By:          Greg Owen
On:           Jul 11, 2013
Tagged: , , ,
    • boring

      By the way, an adult wrote this.

      Jul 11, 2013 at 5:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • sfbeast

      Frequently I am amused by Queerty’s sarcasm. Unfortunately, this article has a little too much feeling of devoted fan behind it. How very sad.

      Jul 11, 2013 at 5:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CleJoke

      sfbeast it’s Queerty not WEHOCONFIDENTIAL.com

      Jul 11, 2013 at 5:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Spike

      Anthony Bourdain tweeted it best . . . “Looking forward to seeing him open for Menudo at the State Fair— in about ten years.”

      Jul 11, 2013 at 6:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • evdanker

      And now Queerty has stooped as low as CNN in fake news. Queerty, you are hereby and henceforth “unbookmarked” from my list.

      Jul 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ncman

      I have NEVER seen a picture of this kid where it looked as if he could fully open his eyes. Is he always high?

      Jul 11, 2013 at 7:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mark Jenkins

      Not a fan of his music-He’s really cute for a twinkie- and I’m making a prediction-in 10 years or less- he’ll come out. Sorry, but the gaydar’s kickin’ in here- I called both George Michael (mostly because straight guys don’t wear dayglow colors)- and Ricky Martin-(because I had a crush, and “She bangs” was a little too much like ‘he bangs” without the S. Then he’s letting other guys tell him how to style his hair and being mentored by thugs in training, apparently. Anyway, that’s my prediction, and we’ll wait and see- with interest.

      Jul 11, 2013 at 7:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • yaoming

      I’d take that “young, smooth body”, minus those dumb tattoos.

      Jul 11, 2013 at 7:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dannyboi2

      His 15 minutes are up and he’s not taking it very well. Enough said, how to reinvent yourself? America Loves a comeback story. Where are his Parents in all this? I thought he was a MAMA’S Boy. And Usher? can’t he control his protege? Or is this all a publicity stunt gone wrong? I really want to Care but, he’s becoming a Joke and I do care for his fans, most are young and impressionable. He’s truly not setting a good example, but then he wants to be a ROCK STAR so bad and this would be away to take him a lil more serious, NOT!I hope it blows over I’m over it..

      Jul 11, 2013 at 10:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Sweet Boy

      he needs a stern daddy to spank him and set him straight

      Jul 11, 2013 at 11:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Eiswirth

      Why does anyone pay attention to this skinny, homely, no-talent brat? Enough already.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 12:01 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • reesielover

      Can I PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE have him for about a year in my house and “drain” him a few thousand times of all the evils that possess that gorgeous body and then unleash his exhausted self back to the world?

      Jul 12, 2013 at 12:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scoobydube

      The Brits say it best, he’s such a ‘WANKER’ …….

      Jul 12, 2013 at 5:19 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Caleb in SC

      @ncman: LOL!!! I just googled him and you are right. The boy is incapable of fully opening his eyes, or standing up straight for that matter.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 10:23 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1EqualityUSA

      King Shit on Turd Island.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 10:28 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kieran

      He needs a good bare butt spanking. I volunteer. It’s a dirty job but somebodys got to do it.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 10:38 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Thomathy

      On Tuesday night you knowingly drank alcohol and you’re only 19, Justin!

      OMG! He probably thought he was still at home, where 19yo can drink. But you’re welcomed to him; he probably considered the States home now anyhow. I don’t think there are many Canadians who want him back.

      Enjoy our latest export, it’s a courtesy. After all, Celine is so blasé these days (and she was never quite this bad).

      Jul 12, 2013 at 12:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE

      @Thomathy: Céline was NEVER “bad”. She was trashed for being maudlin, overly emotional, trashy, low-class (what we liked to call, in my youth, “hot shi* in a champagne glass, but not even cold piss in a Dixie Cup”).

      But, to be fair, she was NEVER a disaster, running around being a total shi*-head like Justin Beaver.

      This little “wanker” bad-boy-wannabe is a complete tool, and his mother, instead of DOING something about it, keeps defending him with her “boys will be boys” comments and attitude.

      I say toss the little hoser in jail.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 1:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mydude


      Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

      Queerty is not some prestige gay publication and doesn’t pretend to be. Every one of you should know what you’re getting when you come to this site.

      All of that aside, Justin here needs some help. He is out of control.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 2:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Polaro

      I’ll slap him. You can hold him.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 2:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Eddie Jr

      We (well some of us in Canada) had such hopes for the boy. He was so cute and clean when he was discovered. It is sad to see him go over to the dark (stupid) side. I don’t know how his handlers let it get this far.
      He’s coming home to Toronto later this year. He’s going to be surprised to find he can’t sell out in his own back yard. Get HELP Justin!

      Jul 12, 2013 at 4:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • HernanMinogue

      JB is a hottie, but his behavior lately has been too much. Than he wonders why people don’t take him serious.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 5:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • queerty1958

      Don’t care!

      Jul 12, 2013 at 5:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Niall

      Nah I just wanna slap him and not in a hot, sexual way either.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 6:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hf2hvit

      @ncman: WHY NOT?!?!

      Jul 12, 2013 at 8:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hf2hvit

      @Caleb in SC: He can’t stand up straight after those nights with Usher

      Jul 12, 2013 at 8:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Charles175

      Why does queerty keep doing articles on this bozo? He has no redeeming value, he has no moral foundation, there’s nothing at at all desirable about him. He is a real turd. A highly polished one mind you, but a turd nonetheless. All he has is his youth and his external appearance, nothing more nothing less. When this is all gone, he will have nothing. There is no future in this hedonistic mindset of his. In this he is not worth my time.

      Jul 12, 2013 at 8:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • honupila

      Bieber’s saggy pants makes it an easy entrance for Usher’s big black penis.

      Jul 15, 2013 at 1:03 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • kinseyfiles

      A teenage boy caught for underage drinking and drag racing a car” Wow ! Deport him taze him beat him” I want to see the arrest records of every teenager who has ever been caught for doing this from the dawning of the automobile. the arrest records would probably stretch around the globe several times. Apparently not many on here were ever teenage boys. but wait! Let me guess, y’all were too busy playing with your Barbie Dream House yes? (lol)

      Jan 23, 2014 at 11:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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