10 Reasons to Slap Justin Bieber, and Then Hold Him


There’s been an avalanche of Justin Bieber news last couple of days and it’s hard to keep up! Videos are surfacing! Phone calls are being made! The Internet is angryangry!

Oh, Justin. What are we going to do with you?

After we tear you down and list all your sins and watch you weep in remorse, we’re going to pull your young, smooth body into our arms and hold you tight, and take the weekend to relax and talk some sense into you between dips in the pool and reading to each other. Then you’re going get your skinny white ass into your new Prius and drive to Harlem and get to work on the Clinton Global Initiative initiative you talked to Bill about and put all of those Wild Kidz and crazy teen marijuana-inspired antics listed below behind you.

Because you’ve got potential, Justin. And we are Beliebers, or whatever they’re called.

You did a ridiculously un-cool where-are-my-mom-jeans anti-cyber-bullying PSA last year that probably inspired more bullying than it stopped.

One of your Wild Kidz Lil Twist was arrested early this morning after cops caught him running a red light going 69 in a 45 on the way home to your Calabasas crib. And they found the pot, so it’s a DUI. This is your fault, of course.

On Tuesday night you knowingly drank alcohol and you’re only 19, Justin! in a Chicago nightclub with your Boyz and the cops were tipped off and they came in and now the club is going to have to pay a fine. And we’re sure the Bodi Nightclub at 873 N Orleans St., Chicago, IL 60610 open Tu-Sun 10pm-4am is very upset over all the fuss and attention.

You managed to give Bill Clinton a little publicity boner after TMZ published a cell phone video shot in NYC earlier this year of you not only urinating out of your baggy boxers into a kitchen mop bucket but then taking a bottle of Windex and spraying it on a picture of the first black president (Bill Clinton) and shouting “Fuck Bill Clinton!” This makes no sense whatsoever unless you’re 19 and smoking weed. Plus, Anthony Bourdain called you “

The chef should have put his foot up this young punk’s ass: http://t.co/JyqSNoEKEP “My dishwasher ain’t cleaning that up, squirrel balls!

— Anthony Bourdain (@Bourdain) July 10, 2013 " target="_blank">squirrel balls.”

Also on Tuesday in Chicago you stepped on the Blackhawks logo and got too chummy with the Stanley Cup, both offenses punishable by who knows what but Chicagoans and hockey fans and especially Chicago hockey fans are pissed!

Last month your Wild Kidz Lil Twist (now arrested) and Lil Za were caught on tape terrorizing! your Calabasas gated community neighbors by driving in front of them and giving them attitude and claiming they were residents and that really pissed off the neighbors because they know you’re the one who pays association dues and these guys, these “kidz” are just punks and the gated streets are not safe with them driving your expensive car toys. And they swore! “Did you get that?”

You posted an Instagram video after smoking out. (It’s pretty funny, actually, especially when you’re high.) What were you thinking!

A girl at a basketball game says you were rude to her, Justin. Like you were sitting right next to her and you were standoffish, but it’s a game Justin, and we’re all supposed to be having fun! Is this because you get shy when you’re high? Then you were a creeper and were looking at her phone. Not done.

In January you were mean to another lady at the Ritz-Carlton of all places (also not done) when you guys were working out next to each other. She says you said you were hung over, not like you were apologizing but just stating this was the case, and your buddy told her to shut the fuck up. Now is that really necessary, little brah?

Oh, that whole Anne Frank House business. Hey, I agree, no good deed goes unpunished, little man. You were making an effort to do something more meaningful in Amsterdam than just smoking hash which you can buy right in a store and everything! but you screwed up and made it about yourself with that visitors book comment about Anne being a belieber, didn’t you? And listen, you’re right, it was hilarious, but only in your mind.

You know, if you wanted to trace where this whole jump on Justin thing started, maybe it was Letterman. You were adorable and charming and you’d just gotten the new haircut and there was Selena and things were great! And then you said it: “Sixteenth Chapel.” Uh boy. It’s Sistine Chapel, buddy. Ohhhh. And you could see the delight in Dave’s eyes as he thought. “This kid is going down.”