So you’ve logged on to Grindr, and among the rows of handsome faces, impossibly toned torsos (many headless), and nature scenes, one handsome face + impossibly toned torso combo stands out.
Oh my God! He’s beautiful… he’s sexy… he’s black.
Related: Is It True What They Say About Black Men?
What’s a randy non-black gay guy to do? Well, first, take a deep breath and calm down. He’s only human. But he’s not necessarily easy prey. Regardless of what your casually racist friends may have told you, black doesn’t equal desperate and dumb.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Related: The Trump effect: How American politics are ruining gay etiquette and making us meaner
Take it from a black guy who’s been on the receiving end of too many clunky come-ons to count: We’re as discerning as the next white guy. If you’re dying to satisfy your curiosity–and if you want to get anywhere, don’t mention your curiosity–there are some things that you simply must not say.
Here are 10 ice-breakers that will likely end up being deal breakers. So don’t go there…
1. “I’ve always wanted to try black.”
It’s amazing how many guys make this declaration as if it’s original poetry. Look, we know Grindr is basically a virtual meat market, but we’re not pieces of beef at the end of a toothpick on a sampler platter. And we don’t all “taste” the same. To use another familiar food analogy, even chocolate comes in many different flavors.
2. “I love black men.”
On the flipside of No. 1 is this, a favorite line of chocolate addicts. I know they mean it as a compliment, but it’s really not.
If someone says, “I love white men,” all white men wouldn’t be floored by the flattery, and who would expect them to be? White men come in a variety of too many different looks to be easily categorized as one entity.
Newsflash! The same thing goes for black men. Just because some people think we all look alike doesn’t mean we’re a single entity. We’re separate individuals with specific personal characteristics. Start by singling out one of them. You just might get to see more.
3. “I’m hungry for big black [insert any word for male genitalia]!”
Well, technically, we’re mostly various shades of brown, but we get the message. Lately an alarming number of guys are also including photographic examples of black-on-white action. I don’t even know what to say to that. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. BLOCK!
4. “BBC?”
Unless that opening line is actually referring to the British Broadcasting Corporation, we’re likely to think that we are so low on the chain of respectability that we don’t even warrant complete sentences, much less complete words. A simple “Hello” generally leads to a much more productive exchange.
5. “You must be huge.”
Oh, did my big, um, smile give me away? Seriously, we’re all perfectly aware that size matters to a lot of gay men, regardless of race. But it’s obvious why certain guys make this particular assumption. And to answer the statement with a question: Isn’t “huge” in the eye of the beholder? One man’s Range Rover can very well be another’s Fiat.
6. “Is it true what they say… about black men?”
We can’t forget this lovely variation on No. 5. Some people won’t even finish the question these days, presumably because they already know how ridiculous it is. Aside from the obvious racist implications of perpetuating that crusty old Antebellum-era stereotype, there’s this: The guy who asks is often the same one who’ll say icky things like “Do whatever you want to do to me.” Um, no thanks.
7. “Black don’t crack.”
When Brad Pitt looks amazing at 53, it’s because he’s amazing. When Will Smith looks freakishly young for 48, it’s because he’s black. See the problem with this?
8. “I don’t cross racial lines.”
I’d never seen this one until I was living in Cape Town, and a black American friend showed me the shocking message he had received from a guy he approached.
A lifetime spent witnessing systemic racism from the safe side of the fence had no doubt corroded his judgement, but his words weren’t the only shocker. In his profile pic, he was wearing a t-shirt with the face of a Native American man printed on it!
I suppose if you’re going to be blatantly racist, you might as well temper it with a heaping dose of irony. Not that he was smart enough to be deliberately ironic.
9. “I’m not attracted to white guys.”
Ugh. The sequel to “Once you go black you won’t ever go back.” I’ve never been crazy about the original, and I’m definitely not feeling part two. Saying all white guys are unattractive is no better than saying the same thing about all black guys or all Asian guys or all whatever. It’s exclusion based on race.
If this one were an actual sequel, it would go straight to video.
10. “Can I ask you a question?”
Without fail, this one always leads to deal breaker No. 6. So a word of advice to the curious: Just quit while you’re way behind.
Jeremy Helligar is the author of Is It True What They Say About Black Men?: Tales of Love, Lust and Language Barriers on the Other Side of the World. You can tweet him @Theme4Gr8Cities
This article includes links that may result in a small affiliate share for purchased products, which helps support independent LGBTQ+ media.
Scribe38
Yeah don’t tell me, “you only like blk men”, “you have always wanted to sleep with a blk guy”, or “please bang me with that big black d*!k”. Instead try, “I think you’re cute”, “want to grab a beer sometimes”, or “daddy do me harder”.
Note: just leave my skin color out of it, get to know me, and treat me like a human being and not your big black dildo.
Mo Bro
Do I really need to point out how many ways in which this is blatantly r@cist and stereotyping?
ChrisK
Oh god. What’s wrong with being assumed to have a big dick, aging better or desire to sleep with you. Oh noes. Someone’s being a little disingenuous with their outrage. Now if I assumed he did drugs or scared he might steal something that would be a reason to be insulted IMO.
Aromaeus
“positive stereotypes” are just as harmful as negative ones because they put undue pressure on said people to live up to them and has real world affects. Like a teacher that holds an asian student to a higher standard because they’ve internalized the racial trope that they are smarter or better in a certain subject which doesn’t allow them to be seen for their own merits or take their own capabilities in consideration. Also the d!ck size stereotype for black men comes from the dehumanization and fetishization of black men as nothing but hyper-aggressive hyper-sexual beast. You could have googled all this but instead you decided to be a 3rd grader and play devil’s advocate.
ChrisK
Maybe you should ask an Asian guy how it feels to be assumed to have a small dick or always a bottom.
Aromaeus
Oppression is not a competition. If a member of a minority group is expressing concerns about the way they are treated by society at large and your first reaction is to play the “some people have it worse than you” sh!t then you obviously have a problem with said group of people as their concerns warrant such a response. You need to self-reflect.
Neonegro
I am black and I have no problem with anyone of any race asking me those questions.
Most are innocent or silly questions/remarks easily answered by any black person with pride.
Many blacks have an inferiority complex which makes them ultra sensitive.
They are not comfortable with their blackness and want others not to notice it. What difference does it make, were all god’s children…they scream.
And of course many whites buy into this victimhood narrative and self censor so as not be called racist (the most misused label of these times).
My message to non-blacks: speak your mind, ask questions, voice your desires and fetishes, do not be silenced by the PC police.
Realitycheck
You are NOT black, and you have been called on that by many people, stop the lie….
Neonegro
And of course you would know. After all, you are the determiner of who is black and how blacks should think and feel about issues.
You are obviously a US born and raised individual with a limited provincial knowledge of the black race. Black Americans are not representative of all blacks on the planet, and even they don’t all think alike.
Here is some advice; when unable to counter an argument with intelligence or reason it is best to stay quiet.
For fun let me go down to your level and play your silly teenage girly game and scream YOU ARE NOT A MALE, STOP THE LIE…bohoohoo snif snif
Aromaeus
“Many blacks..”
Yeah you aren’t black.
Mo Bro
@Aromaeus
So true . . . we don’t say “many blacks,” like white folk do, we all say “muh bruvvaz n sistuz.”
Neonegro
@ Aromaeus….wow you are an intelligent one….lol
Saying “Many blacks” is only reserve for white people.
Poor soul…lol
Realitycheck
This is the third article in as many weeks about blacks and Grindr, the end conclusion is always the same.
“Grinder is a sex application, NOT dating and people on Grinder talk about sex”, may be the author of this article should finally get a clue and ask himself why is he so sensitive about sex talk on a sex application, and by the way the above article could be applied to any other race with few changes here and there.
Godabed
No any social app used by people but especially gays is turned into a sex app (No it’s a dating app, which is why there is an option for dating, networking, chat, not just hookups. Gay men can turn any social location into a cruising spot that would normally be for casual meetings, and you can’t deny it because it’s true. Bathrooms, Truckstops, Steamrooms, bathhouses, gay clubs are all now synonymous with cruising and sex. And you would think that with the internet and sex being more accessible there would be no need for cruising but they still do it. why because gay men made these environments that way, it wasn’t the original intention and that original function still exist. Just because that’s what people choose to use it for, don’t project your desire to get off on everyone else, not everyone is there to get a nut, but may settle for it if you read the actual profiles.
If i could display some of the many conversations i have had just this week, with a white older friend who has never dated white guys, won’t hear it as a option, love black men and their many stereotypical trait (which i call him out for and provide historical context of why he is wrong for using it). He doesn’t really understand the problem, but that’s part of his privilege which he at least understands. And he’s a college professor in his 50’s he should know better.
I would say this, most of the things said usually come from white guys, I have never had a native, Asian, Latino, Indian (west), ever come at me like this. Conversation always starts with common interest and moves from there. We should just approach each other as people, and treat others as you would want to be treated. But the reality is that’s not the case, people are treated like objects to be used, and discarded, you know like how condoms used to be before PREP.
Realitycheck
LOL a quick google search about the author of this article reveals the truth, there is a personal fixation at work.
Jeremy Helligar..
“he’s currently completing his first book, Is It True What They Say About Black Men?: Tales of Love, Lust and Language Barriers on the Other Side of the World.”
Heywood Jablowme
uh… you didn’t need to google that, it says that right at the end of the article.
Xzamilloh
@Heywood Jablowme
That was funny.
Prax07
I just use my daily blocks to weed out guys I’m not attracted to. Black guys, asian guys, latino guys, guys over 50, and fat guys. Makes finding a date that much easier, and you won’t get messages from guys your not into.
ChrisK
I use one for assholes so I guess will never meet:(
Tête Carrée
+ChrisK
I guess will not.
Black Pegasus
Most of the Black guys on Grindr don’t want to date other Black men anyway so they’re just as racially ignorant as the naive white men this article attempts to educate.
*rolls eyes at the bullshtt*
Godabed
“racially ignorant” I have looked for the definition of this word, pretty sure it doesn’t apply to black people, Cultural ignorance maybe. But without knowing the motivation as to why those “most Black guys” you stated don’t date other black guys, the assumption seems way off, especially in comparison to the perceive naivete you have given those poor white men that don’t know any better. (why are you even giving them the benefit of the doubt but not the black men, that’s pretty suspect in my opinion)
When I as a 36 yo black male, have to educate a 50 yo white college professor who has dated black men all his life, been in ltr with black men, on the racist nonsense and generalization he is making, that tells me. Education and experience have nothing to do with it. It’s certainly conditioning from privilege to think a certain way about black men and their bodies, but if my highly educated white friends who have admitted making such generalization about black men and their bodies are any indication, they certainly know better. Here is what we know from the statements above in the article, those statements are unwanted (mostly), and are based on race. No one is forcing or telling these white men to ask these questions or assumptions but they are, and they in this day and age should know better, and if they don’t it’s their own fault. Would racial ignorance apply here, i do believe it does. And your comparison between the two is off, and your failure to see that makes me want to roll my eyes at your bullsh*t
Xzamilloh
I find myself agreeing with you, BP. That’s probably one of the reasons I I side-eye at articles like these because when I see them, the first thing I think of is, “This is a black guy talking racial stereotypes because he likes white guys.” Which, of course is not a problem, but is very disingenuous. It’s like, “Hold yourself to the same standard. Why aren’t YOU attracted to other black men?”
I have had other races, but in all honesty, I as a black man prefer other black men, namely because there are so many colors and shapes to choose from. But, it Conor McGregor or Michael Fassbender wanted to get down, I’m not saying no.
Black Pegasus
@Godabed – great points. An educated fool is always a fool. Amazing how some people can appear so worldly yet remain so woefully ignorant.
@Xzamilloh – ikr! It’s almost always some Black guy who exclusively seeks out non black men for dating who moans and whines the most about racial micro-agressions received from gay white men. These queens get a *whatever gif* from me.
Chip
First you write articles about being terrible for not wanting to be with black guys, then you write one that you are terrible if you say that you love to be with black guys… People need to make up their mind.
Xzamilloh
Dude, just get out there and live. These identity politics are like vines wrapping around the tree of life and just suffocating the crap out of everything.
Heywood Jablowme
I’m glad I came out in the days before “social” media. Back then we just hung out in bars, and if a black guy thought I was cute he let me know.
Nowadays I’d be afraid to say/write anything. Whatever you say/write is potentially the “wrong” thing.
radagastthe3rd
Black is the most searched category of porn. They are hardly a victimized minority in our community, size alone dictates this 🙂
I’m sure Queerty will soon be releasing a companion article about “10 things you should never say to a white guy on Grindr.”
Aromaeus
The fact that black is some sub-category of porn searches is the clearest example of fetishization of black people as a whole. This was not an intelligent comment at all.
Neonegro
We need the categories when searching for porn or hookups.
Without these filters, one would waste a lot of time looking at people you have no interest in.
Kangol
Can Queerty maybe just cover a black LGBTQ person or issue not linked to Grindr or RuPaul’s Drag Race (love Ru but there’s more out there than her) or the same tired topics over and over? Like what about the black gay gymnast who’s the only out athlete in his sport at the college level right now? Or what about Raoul Peck’s Oscar-nominated documentary about James Baldwin? Or some of the activists working right now on LGBTQ equality rights? Come on, Queerty.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
This. At least *you* didn’t get your comments deleted for expressing this view.
praize
Or his another one. I love your skin, I had a guy once who kept saying through out sex I love your black ass, gimme that black ass, sweet black ass. Okay, After the 10th time I get it. It started off being flattering but then it became a turnoff.
Captain Obvious
I don’t know which is worse the article or the comments. All this baiting and bs. Dunno why I even come here anymore.
Sluggo2007
I say what I want, when I want. You always know where you stand with me. Besides, I’m so tired of tiptoeing around black people because it’s politically correct.
gfmontreal
I am in an LTR with a black man, and we have a common profile on Growlr (Grindr for bears) that we use when we want to have fun and play. Our profile picture show both of us, and everytime I open the app, I can’t believe the horrible things people write when it comes to black men. About 90 % of the time, the skin color will come into play in the first 4 or 5 messages. ALWAYS. And obviously the penis size thing, or the pretended sexual prowess always seem to be a major theme in all conversation. Look, I know that those apps are made for sex, but as a white man I never have to deal with half the shit my boyfriend deals with. Of course people ask to see your dick, or ask how big you are, but it’s never about my WHITE dick or my White ass. Thats called white privilege, and it’s not something you should be proud of, but aware of. The worst thing is that the guys who write these stereotypical messages always think that it should be taken as a compliment. But it’s not. It’s really ignorant to think that saying “black men are intense in bed”, or “black people are good at basketball, or dancing, or have rythm” are compliment. These stereotypes didn’t just appeared like that : they have historical meaning. They were made to make black folks uncivilized and unable to control their “animal instinct” (having sex everywhere and at any time, running, jumping, screaming) in other word, that they are not part of civilisation like white people.
My boyfriend always make fun or me for being so shocked;
Tête Carrée
Wow. That was f*cking depressing.