Sex In the city

13 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bar From A Castro Bartender

unnamed-12-360x450For a nearly a decade Yuri Kagan, author Vodka & Limelight, has slung drinks at watering holes, from the gay male variety to the sexually ambiguous sort. 

He collected some of his best tips on how to get lucky or go home alone…

1. Boy you must be tired… of running through my mind all night… Those cheeks look good enough to eat off.

So your once trusty pickup-lines are now greeted by an awkward stare? Stop using them. There are great conversation starters, others linger like bad gas. A great pickup-line that works for both sexes: You look familiar, do I know you from somewhere? It works even if you know you have never met. It’s an easy way to start a conversation, casually flirt and put feelers out with little risk. If after two words you aren’t into it just apologize and go back to fishing the cherry out of the bottom of your drink. Awkwardness minimized.

2. While on a date where booze is involved don’t blame booze for everything you fuck up.

I didn’t mean to grab your butt, I’m drunk. First off, know your limits and take responsibility for your own actions. Second, blaming booze doesn’t make sense. I wouldn’t blame Sake for Pearl Harbor or Tequila for stealing American jobs so leave booze alone. On this topic, if you don’t live in dorms don’t act like it. It’s not a drinking competition. No one cares how much you drink unless they have to take care of you.

3. Don’t send anyone to do the flirting for you.

This is true for any type of relationship.  You aren’t in study hall anymore so don’t send your gal pal up to tell me how you think I’m cute and ask what I think. If you want to know, do it yourself or live wondering forever.

4. See that bitch at Starbucks on his phone even while ordering coffee?

The one where it’s hard to tell who she is talking to or about? The barista has to ask this person to repeat their drink so you just roll your eyes. Don’t be that person on a date. Put the phone away period.

5. Do not talk about you exes, people you have slept with, your painful corns, the co-worker that always steals your parking spot, your opinion on abortion, the death of your sister or cat.

Keep your baggage to yourself like that bald spot you may have and only you notice. Like Santa, slowly gift your baggage out of your large bag of crap one item per date. It’s too much to hear all of another person’s problems in one sitting because we are usually more preoccupied with ourselves.

6. You know what’s hot on a date? Tipping.

Seriously, people that visibly tip get more play. It shows they are generous and care enough to pay for service. Bartenders don’t make the rules, it’s just the way it is. Also, don’t tell the other person how to tip. No one likes a backseat tipper.

unnamed-10-360x1887. Don’t ask the so why ya’ single? question unless you want to stay single.

It’s a pretty dumb question to which there is no good answer. No one wants to hear the response to which is the truth about how the love of your life dumped you at Ikea because you didn’t like his taste in paisley sheets.

8. Offer to pay now and again.

It’s about offering — with the freedom-based, rule free gay culture it’s sometimes hard to figure out the rules. Here is how it goes: If you invite the person out, you should at least offer to buy them a drink even if you know he will pay because of that great job as a Facebook programmer or Apple engineer. It’s about manners. This goes for both gay and straight relationships. Nothing is harder to watch then a woman who assumed her date was buying her a drink and doesn’t have enough cash. Also, if someone buys you drinks you don’t technically owe him anything but it could be considered common courtesy to let them at least cop a feel or more if you are feeling it after a few of those drinks.

9. Again, get off that phone!

Straight, gay or greedy it doesn’t matter. If you are out at a bar or place with a lot of single people, get off of Tindr, Grindr, Hookd or any variation/combination. It’s a bit redundant to be in a virtual bar in a real bar. Save that for when you’re at home or at work and there is slim-pickin if you are not interested in the boy next door or your roomie. No one want to walk up to you if you are absorbed in your phone, especially if you are on one of those apps chatting up the guy at the bar next door or in the townhouse up the street. We all know what you are doing as your finger slides across that screen. It’s especially annoying if we walk right past you and see a dick photo on your phone of a guy who is literally across the room.

10. Don’t talk to the bartender more than the person you are with.

Also, make eye-contact. Not the creepy, couple seconds too long eye-contact. Just enough to show you care. On a side note: You won’t go home with the bartender so stop being rude.

11. Don’t be too quick to casually announce you don’t believe in condoms.

First off it could be considered irresponsible, depending on the circumstances, and is a case of putting the cart before the stallion or something like that.

12. A date is not the time to officially come out.

If you are new to gay, we already know cause you still have that new car smell.

13. Don’t pretend not to eat.

You aren’t a Ken doll. Nothing is more sad then watching a woman or a gay man out on a date with a tiny salad while their date has the surf n’ turf. We know you are stuffing your fat gourd behind closed doors so keep it real.

Check out Yuri Kagan’s Vodka & Limelight on Amazon

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  • Bauhaus

    In other words, don’t be a douche.

  • Black Pegasus

    14. Don’t be Asian.

    15. Don’t be Black.
    He conveniently left those out. But I fixed it for ya…

  • Bauhaus

    @Black Pegasus:

    You’re not heeding my advice. Try again and play nice!

  • Wilberforce

    11. …it COULD be considered irresponsible… not to believe in condoms?
    As soon as I read that this was a piece by a Castro bartender, I knew there would be twisted, ghetto ideas.

  • smartguyd

    13. is tricky, it probably means I am just a bottom hoping this date leads back to my place where I will have plenty of left over Chinese food in the fridge to stuff in my face when we are done “getting to know each other”.

  • Doughosier

    It doesn’t matter what you say. If the person is attracted to your looks, you can say anything and it won’t be offensive.

  • SportGuy

    @Black Pegasus:

    Think he didn’t state them because its universally known.

  • tdx3fan

    @Doughosier: I absolutely disagree. Looks only go so far and smart nice guys are by far sexier. I have to agree with the tipping.

  • Sluggo2007

    Would it kill the reporters at Queerty to use spell or grammar check once in a while?

  • Horse Lips

    @Black Pegasus: Don’t be crazy. There are a lot of us out there who love gays of every color.

  • Horse Lips

    @Sluggo2007: I think they’re rationing letters and punctuation on this website.

  • Ronbo

    Castro Bartender? Haven’t the bars converted to bingo halls? Two of the “hot spots” on my last visit there were pulling balls/calling numbers as if it were the VFW in Geneseo, KS circa 1973. Even the patrons looked the same.

  • Mykaels

    “”You look familiar, do I know you from somewhere?” It works even if you know you have never met.”

    No, it doesn’t, so stop already! It is so easy to call this out and it will mame you look bad when it is called out. Sheesh. Both on grindr and at clubs, stop using this method!

  • onthemark

    @Black Pegasus: You seem to go to entirely different gay bars than I ever did. I’m guessing that when a white guy actually likes black guys, you don’t like that either? And what if there are more than 2 of ____ in a bar and they get interested in each other, is that okay according to you?

  • glennmcbride

    @Black Pegasus: I am a white guy who has never dated another white guy. If you are Black or Asian or Latin you can go to the front of the line with me and I know other guys that are the same. Maybe you are so sure that people would discriminate against you that you drive them away.

  • Black Pegasus

    @glennmcbride: If you’re a white guy who has never dated a member of your own race, then you are just as mentally stalled as the Black Snow Queens who only chase after white guys. Dis you think your proclamation of never dating whites was suppose to impressed me or boost my self esteem? lol…

    I find men of every race and creed beautiful and attractive. No hang ups with me, my previous comment was only pointing out the obvious within the gay community despite the deflecting that takes place every time the issue arises.

  • TheNewEnergyDude

    Anyone who does # 4 on a date doesn’t deserve a second date.

Comments are closed.