Before 15-year-old Jamie Hubley killed himself on Friday, he spent three months chronicling his pain on Tumblr with “angst-filled quotes and startling images of self-harm.”
But even though Hubley hated being the only openly gay kid at his high school—and felt sad about being called a “fag,”—the Ottowa teen’s suicide seems to have been prompted primarily by a chronic depression rather than bullying at school.
Hubley’s Tumblr blog, “You can’t break… when you’re already broken,” had some pictures of hairless, muscular guys kissing and the occasional landscape photo. But mostly it consisted off animated GIFs of sad cartoon animals, pictures of people who have cut themselves with razors, and a mix of quotes and personal admissions about his increasing despair.
Clicking through his entries is like a morbid digital countdown. A small sampling of his comments and quotes posted over the last three months:
When I went for my appointment…
Therapist: Have you cut?
Me: No, Its been six weeks…
(But in reality, I cut last night.)You’re the one who broke my heart, you’re the reason my world fell apart, you’re the one who made me cry, yet I’m still in love with you and I don’t know why.
If you could read my mind you’d be in tears.
I don’t know if I’m getting better or just used to the pain.
Reblog if you’re so sad and want to die but really just want someone to love you.
Theres a lady running for president in the USA, and if she makes it in shes banning same sex marriage D: Fuck the U.S. D: Someone assassinate her please? I thought love was a Human right?
Love is the slowest form of suicide.
New package of razors. Brb. Cutting.
What if it never gets better?
So many hate messages on facebook and tumblr right now.
Fuck off. Like, now 🙂Had an amazing time at pride…
But now im just in a shitty mood, Not even gay guys are attracted to me… I Am ugly as fuck, Im sad .—.
SO fucking upset.
GOing to go cry
I need to get drunk
I want a guy to actually fucking love me backTo be Honest…
..I dont think Il be around much longer.Going for stitches. K.sick.
FuckmylifeIt’s been one day of school and I’ve already had enough.Whenever I appear happy it’s because I’ve temporarily gone insane.
“How was your day?”
I wanted to kill myself every fucking minute of it.I think I hit a nerve while cutting .-.
When I touch it , I feel like im being electrocuted on my thumb ,-,In your world, The thought of wanting to die is crazy. In my world, You’re the crazy one who wants to live.
Hubley’s depression is evident through his increasingly desperate posts: They paint the image of a young teen with few friends and a painful desire for a loving boyfriend.
NEXT: What caused Hubley’s pain?
Hubley loved acting, dancing and singing. He tried out for his school’s talent competition by signing Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” and he acted in a few plays.
He also loved Glee and hated that his experience being a gay high-schooler didn’t even remotely resemble the show’s depictions of out characters like Blaine and Kurt.
On his YouTube channel, Hubley enjoyed singing songs by Katy Perry and Jason Mraz, and Lady Gaga‘s “Born This Way.” He had a beautiful voice, shaky and untrained but earnest and touching nonetheless. He uploaded sixteen videos in all, most of them posted seven months ago. In most, he stands alone, wistfully looking into the camera, singing into the vast silent expanse of the Internet.
Like Jamey Rodemeyer’s You Tube videos, most of Hubley’s clips were short on comments before his death. Now strangers have gradually started to express sorrow with the familiar refrain that he had so much to live for.
But away from the camera, Hubley regularly cut himself with straight razors and drank vodka to dull the pain. Two months before his suicide, he was hospitalized for depression and put on medication, which didn’t seem to abate his pain much:
Venting…
My summer fucking sucked. I did not see my friends that much. I am getting a Fucking eating disorder now, I was inpatiented to a hospital on suicide watch and Major depressive disorder for 2 fucking weeks. Now Im going to a rehab for alcohol abuse, Im seeing 2 Councillors for my depression, Then started my 4th new medication for depression…None of them seem to be fucking working. I am at the point where I dont even want to leave my house because of how Ugly I am. To be honest, Iv never felt so hopeless before, School is going to start and im probably going to have another fucking breakdown.
Fuck bullys
Fuck life
Fuck looks
FUCK IT ALL.
Then, on Friday, he posted his goodbye to the world shown above.
The post has been re-blogged by an increasing number of people, each followed notes of condolence and sorrow.
NEXT: Could anyone have saved him?
Hubley’s death continues a wave of LGBT teen suicides that have slowly shifted focus from at-school bullying to non-stop cyberbullying and teen depression. But in this instance, at least from his online statements, it seems like Hubley’s suicide was prompted by a clinical depression and feelings of alienation and loneliness, not real-world torment at the hands of bullies.
As our personal life moves more into the digital realm, Hubley’s death reveals several challenges for the LGBT community:
- How could readers of Hubley’s posts have helped him rather than just re-posting his suicidal thoughts?
- How can we actively seek out troubled teens who are crying out for help?
- How do we help when the issue isn’t bullying but more nebulous causes like depression, anxiety and alienation?
Right now, it’s also unclear what role that Hubley’s parents played. While they seem to have cared for him enough to seek professional psychiatric treatment, it’s unclear if they knew about his Tumblr account. We’d like to think that if everyone knew exactly what was going on and someone had acted earlier, we might have saved a life.
Hubley’s friend Steph Wheeler had tried talked him out of committing suicide several times. She told the Ottowa Citizen, “I just remember him wanting a boyfriend so bad, he’d always ask me to find a boy for him. I think he wanted someone to love him for who he was… Even though he was feeling down all the time, he always made everybody else feel better.”
After learning of her friend’s death, Wheeler ordered 1,000 rainbow-colored bracelets with “acceptance” written on the outside and “Rest in peace Jamie Hubley” on the inside. She plans to sell them at local high schools to raise money for Jer’s Vision, an anti-bullying and anti-homophobia group that Jamie liked.
Jer’s Vision has posted the above image on a tribute page dedicated to Hubly. May he rest in peace.
christopher di spirito
Teens commit suicide at a higher rate than adults. Not all ten suicides are traceable to anti-gay bullying.
christopher di spirito
Teens commit suicide at a higher rate than adults. Not all teen suicides are traceable to anti-gay bullying.
shle896
So, chronic depression, not bullying caused this young man to kill himself? Where the hell do you think the depression came from? Uh, bullying!
Ray
Exactly shle896. More than likely the bullying caused the depression.
Jess
This is so heartbreaking. It’s always hard to read stories like this. I’m not much older than he (18), and I’ve been there so many times, so this is relatable in the worst way. I wish this was could have been prevented…
The bullying of lgbt youth and of people in general needs to stop. I don’t know why anyone could ever think that bullying someone is okay.
meego
Poor kid. Breaks my heart 🙁 I don’t think it had much to do with him being gay. It did, but to a point. Depression? Yes. It’s sad that he thought/wished that his life could be like that of a tv show. If he could have had more realistic role models, it might have helped. I know exactly how this kid felt. I was him at 15. I survived. To this day, I always hold myself available to help out kids like Jaime.
Jperon
Everything I have read has warned people that anti-depressants actually increase the risk of suicide. Certainly psycho-active drugs pose a major risk and to read that he had been on four different anti-depressants is shocking.
ewe
A lifetime of bullying is the cause of depression.
meego
@Jperon: You’re absolutely right. Anti-depressants, in the long term, will totally screw you up. Poison like that really does a number on your brain chemistry.
Lefty
I agree – you can’t really say was it the bullying or the depression that pushed him over the edge – they go hand-in-hand, and it’s nigh-on impossible to fight against the overwhelming negative thoughts and helplessness/pointlessness you feel when you have depression if everyone around you is treating you in such a shitty, soul-destroying way on a daily basis and systematically chipping away at what little self-esteem you have left.
Daniel Villarreal
With Rodemeyer we at least had a lot of internet proof and witness reports of the kid getting bullied non-stop for years. We have no proof yet as to the degree of bullying Hubley suffered. Saying that bullying caused his depression or the resulting suicide is pure speculation. Plus, an over emphasis on bullying as opposed to depression causes us to overlook an important mental health epidemic that’s also killing LGBT youth.
Kylew
Depression can be caused or exacerbated by events in a person’s life, but it can equally be a chemical imbalance completely unrelated to to anything that is happening around you. We must be careful of labelling all teen suicide as caused by bullying or sexual identity issues. Sometimes, teens just get really down and kill themselves, and they would do so straight, gay or whatever.
I do think however, that the internet has provided a really negative forum for slightly miserable people to connect with each other and form little depression clubs, where they almost compete with each other to see who can be the most tragic. I get so fed up with kids who have everything going for them, encountering the tiniest bump in the road then melodramatically proclaiming “fuck my life”.
It’s hard sometimes to know if the Internet has not cost as many lives by affirming such self-pitying melodrama, as it has saved by alleviating the genuine isolation felt by many people.
Darling Nikki
Does it make a difference?
Depression is not necessarily linked to bullying (it doesn’t help); it just compounds matters. Bullying may push someone over the edge who may already be suffering with depression.
Instead of splitting hairs, we should encourage empathy and respect. While everyone is debating semantics, the problems ensue.
I wish I knew what the solution is but debating until we’re blue in the face about the “chicken or the egg” causation theory definitely is not the way.
Sarah
Thank you for posting this. I am getting really frustrated reading the stories that focus on bullying rather than mental illness. He was a cutter, he was hospitalized in the past, he suffered depression, was developing an eating disorder. Of course the bullying is a contributing factor. But even without the bullying, Jamie likely still would have exhibited suicidality.
I’m fighting with my own depression. I am thankful that suicidality has never been a large part of my symptoms, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had my own dark nights. I can relate to Jamie’s posts about feeling worthless, annoying, unloved, etc. etc. It has little to do with being gay. This can and does affect everyone, straight or gay, male or female, young or old.
Yes, please do something about bullying. Yes, please reach out and make a safe environment for gay youth. Yes, teach acceptance and love. But also, teach about mental illness. Teach about its effects, about its symptoms, about its signs. Teach what to do when you or someone you know is struggling. Teach how to prevent suicide. End stigma. Treat the illness like the medical emergency it is. It takes more than love and good intentions to cure depression.
Mental illness is like having a broken brain. It messes with your logic so that you don’t know the difference between reality and your own messed up version of it. It may seem uplifting to tell someone who is suffering, ‘It gets better. You have so much to live for. Look how many people care about you’. But to someone with mental illness, they hear, ‘You’re weak and selfish. See how many people love you? You couldn’t hurt them any longer if you weren’t here. etc. etc’.
Like Jamie said, “In your world, The thought of wanting to die is crazy. In my world, You’re the crazy one who wants to live”.
shle896
To those who say bullying had no part in his suicide heeds to read his blog entries. It’s quite clear that bullying was a big problem for this kid. http://catchmeblondy.tumblr.com/
And even if he was clinically depressed, the bullying could have sent him over the edge. Teenagers can only handle so much. Either way you look at it, it’s a tragedy.
CaliberGuy
@Jperon:
yes it is a risk, and unfortunately many parents and others expect it to be a magic pill and don’t pay attention to what it is doing, its even a risk for adults, and that is why it is important that for kids, and adults others in your life know when you are on them and especially when you are starting new ones or coming off of one because one of the big red flags is changes in behavior increased depression and thoughts of suicide. How ever that dose not mean these drugs are inherently bad, what is bad is that society is not properly educated not only on psychiatric drugs, but to a large extent on psychiatric health thus they don’t recognise important warning signs and dismiss them or even worse treat the person like they are their failing or they are lesser of a person because of it.
CaliberGuy
@Jperon:
yes it is a risk, and unfortunately many parents and others expect it to be a magic pill and don’t pay attention to what it is doing, its even a risk for adults, and that is why it is important that for kids, and adults others in your life know when you are on them and especially when you are starting new ones or coming off of one because one of the big red flags is changes in behavior increased depression and thoughts of suicide. How ever that dose not mean these drugs are inherently bad, what is bad is that society is not properly educated not only on psychiatric drugs, but to a large extent on psychiatric health thus they don’t recognise important warning signs and dismiss them or even worse treat the person like they are their failing or they are lesser of a person because of it. Also depending on the diagnosis quite often it dose take combinations of drugs to treat and bring things under control enough to the point that you can step things down to few drugs, also many you have to dose up to the effective dose and dose down when stopping. (trust me I know more about psychiatric drugs from experience then may would like to know)
George412
This really hit home for me…
Had an amazing time at pride…
But now im just in a shitty mood, Not even gay guys are attracted to me… I Am ugly as fuck, Im sad .—.
SO fucking upset.
GOing to go cry
I need to get drunk
I want a guy to actually fucking love me back
My friends and I have felt this way for years after going to Pride events, bars, dating online. The sad reality is if you don’t fit a “look” that is coveted in the gay world your life is going to be a lonely one. Even if he made it through all the bullying I think his life would have always been a struggle to fit in. Very sad.
kylew
@Darling Nikki: Well of course it matters! It’s absolutely vital to understand the causal factor in self-destructive behaviour. Stopping bullying is a laudible and absolutely unachievable goal. It will never ever happen. But even if you managed it, teens like this boy might still be suicidal because, as Sarah points out, his world view might be warped by a clinical condition.
However, if, in addition to tackling bullying, you recognise that there is a lot of mental illness, and that carries a stigma which needs to be addressed, then perhaps people might feel freer to seek help in the real world instead of the fantasy confines of an anonymous blog from where help is unlikely to spring.
Jamie was good looking boy who thought he was ugly. He had a positive, supportive attitude towards others, yet he seemed to have a very powerful need for love beyond that of his friends and family. It’s clear that his self image was eroded.
I note he will receive a Catholic burial, and who is better at telling gay kids that they are less, in deeds and words, than the Catholic church? It’s easy to cry “bully” but in Jamie Hubley’s case, I think it’s fair to say that there is potentially a cocktail of issues ranging from clinical depression, church denial of his sexuality, school bullying, and even access to a morbid drip-feed of negative-mood affirming quotes via the internet.
I really feel for this boy, but I don’t think in the slightest, that it is splitting hairs, or wasting time to try to understand the actual factors that lead to his downfall.
If you want to do something meaningful, promote anti-bullying programs, challenge the stigma of mental health issues, fight against christian pseudo-morality. These are not either/or options.
Matt
I work in suicide prevention and mental health. Yes mental health challenges can make life difficult for many people, but to claim that these mental health challenges somehow act in a vacuum separate from outside influence is a shameful and odious claim. The writer of this article should be ashamed. Yes this child had mental health struggles and yes he was bullied. I cannot understand how anyone could feel so entitled to be able to make the claim that one issue was more responsible than the other for this young man’s choice. Statements like these coming from LGBT community members are even more shameful.
Lim
I’m appalled by this article. Yes, Jamie suffered from major depression, and yes, suicidal is one of the symptoms. However, it is obvious that bullying was the catalyst that led to his suicide. When a person is depressed, he/she requires a lot of support from the people around them, and if they face lots of discrimination and resentment from those people, it can only lead to being even more depressed. By suggesting that it’s his depression and not bullying that caused him to suicide is very disrespectful. He has already taken his life, why all these discussion. I suffer from major depression, and l had also attempted suicide, and I’m not proud of it. However, I can safely say while the feelings of worthlessness and wanting to die were there, it would usually take more to send someone over the edge. In my case, it was discrimination from my very own family, in his case, it was bullying. So please show him and his family some respect and stop suggesting that just because he was depressed, that is the real reason why he chose to take his life.
Lim
I’m very appalled by this article. Yes, Jamie suffered from major depression, and yes, suicidal is one of the symptoms. However, it is obvious that bullying was the catalyst that led to his suicide. When a person is depressed, he/she requires a lot of support from the people around them, and if they face lots of discrimination and resentment from those people, it can only lead to being even more depressed. By suggesting that it’s his depression and not bullying that caused him to suicide is very disrespectful. He has already taken his life, why all these discussion. I suffer from major depression, and l had also attempted suicide, and I’m not proud of it. However, I can safely say while the feelings of worthlessness and wanting to die were there, it would usually take more to send someone over the edge. In my case, it was discrimination from my very own family, in his case, it was bullying. So please show him and his family some respect and stop suggesting that just because he was depressed, that is the real reason why he chose to take his life.
kylew
@Lim: I don’t think it’s at all disrespectful to ask what were the factors that caused Jamie’s suicide. It’s DEFINITELY something that his parents will be asking for the rest of their lives.
If we don’t learn something from every sad case such as this, our kids are destined to keep repeating this behaviour. I think it’s foolish in the extreme NOT to try to understand.
As Matt has pointed out, depression is likely to have been the root condition, but there may have been one or more other catalysts that pushed this boy over the edge, although looking at his blog, he was mentally edging towards the abyss for some time.
Who among us, cannot empathise with his feeling of isolation or loneliness?
Marilyn Dreamcrusher
Yes, Jamie was depressed. Yes, he was gay. Yes, he was bullied beyond belief BEFORE anyone mentioned anything about him being gay. Why was he bullied? Because some people are just a-holes and the people that were supposed to help/protect Jamie (teachers, principals) failed him. His parents did EVERYTHING they could to help him. Jamie’s death is not a question of either/or. People have to realise that their words and actions can push people past their breaking point. Why can’t people just be kind to one another?
Ogre Magi
Sounds like he had a lot to offer the world
Tracy
Anger.another brilliant child dies.because he just wasn’t ignorant enough to join the herd.
Dodgy
@Tracy: Well said, Tracy. The fact is that it does not require out and out bullying for a young person to be isolated and alienated, it simply takes a lack of unterstanding and expressed acceptance.
Having looked at this young boy’s blog, there is a great deal of evidence that this lack of understanding was key. Added to that the casual cruelty of bullies and a natural tendency to downcast introspection can prove fatal.
Looking at that boy’s blog was so like looking into my younger mind that it has scared me.
Franco
Umm… it’s Ottawa not Ottowa. Fact check.
Scott
When I was in 8th grade I had a nervous breakdown due to bullying. In 9th grade I wanted to commit suicide. Not only was I bullied at school but my home life sucked as my father was beating my mother and older brothers. My father didn’t like me because I was effeminate. When I considered suicide some little voice in my head said, “What if it gets better?” So I didn’t and it got better. At school my classmates finally started to mature in 10th, 11th, & 12th grade so I was bullied less. After I turned 18 I ran to college and never returned. I learned that I had a lot to offer the world. I got a job, promotions, money. I paid off all my debts. I found a life partner in my 30s after several failed attempts. Now I’m looking towards figuring out how to fully finance my retirement.
If you are considering suicide, please don’t. Life is different than how you are perceiving it. You don’t need other people to validate you. Take pride in what you do, adhere to your values and stay away from drugs, alcohol and tobacco. Work smart and sometimes hard. The rest of the world will eventually catch up to level of enlightenment where you already are.
Cam
“”But even though Hubley hated being the only openly gay kid at his high school—and felt sad about being called a “fag,”—the Ottowa teen’s suicide seems to have been prompted primarily by a chronic depression rather than bullying at school.””
__________________________________
Another article along the same lines of Queerty Articles defending Marcus Bachman, that seeks to minimize or protect people who damage gays.
Gee, where do you think his depression CAME FROM?! This article is like a doctor saying “No, the gunshot to his chest isn’t what killed him, he died because his heart stopped beating.
Why is Queerty continually going out of it’s way to minimize these issues, protect bigots etc…??
AxelDC
Wouldn’t you be depressed if you were bullied for being gay?
Hikari
@shle896: We don’t know for sure that he was being bullied for being openly gay. It’s a distinct possibility, but bullying alone as a cause for chronic depression doesn’t seem right in this case.
Believe me, I know what it’s like to have depression so badly that you don’t even want to get up in the morning to face the day. I dealt with it extensively in junior high and high school, and it’s crippling! It didn’t matter that I was a straight kid; I still got bullied and picked on for stuff. Kids will find any excuse to pick at each other anyway. Unfortunately, kids who are open about being LGBT make much easier targets for bullies, so they get the brunt of the drama and bullsh*t that comes with being a teen.
I guess I’m just trying to point out that this doesn’t look like he committed suicide just because he was depressed about being bullied. It looks like he committed suicide because he was suffering from a major depressive episode that was compounded by bullying.
Please don’t think that this is as cut-and-dried as people would like you to believe. We’ve all been teens once, and it was complicated then. It’s just as complicated for them now.
ewe
@Hikari: you said it and where are all the taxpaid professionals that the state pays to teach and watch over these children? These types of kids are not invisible ANYWHERE within the walls of a school. Everybody knows whats going on in a school. It is microcosm of the larger town, city and/or world.
ewe
@Hikari: thats why that filthy bigot from union township new jersey has got to go. NOW.
carolelinda
It is quite obvious from his posts that Jamie was severely depressed; It was probably not the “bullying” which drove him to do such a terrible thing. The depression from which he was suffering was not dealt with properly. Telling someone it will “get better” is not acceptable treatment for someone so depressed as he obviously was. He HAD friends and it is tragic that he could not or would not call a friend; did his parents ever read what he was writing about how he was feeling? If I knew my son was feeling suicidal I would not leave his side for a minute. There is more to this young man’s story. So very sad.
Frank
I’ve been in shoes similar to his, and I’m fortunate enough to have overcome it.
Such a sad loss, I wish I had known him and been able to offer help.
Even if his death wasn’t a product of bullying, we could all learn from this video:
http://youtu.be/yRhq-yO1KN8
Marc
You don’t have to be bullied to be depressed about being gay.Just knowing that you are different and scared is enough. I was a gay teen in a small town and always hoped beyond hope that no one would find out. Today is better, but the feelings are the same.
Toni Goodman
@shle896: That statement is utterly wrong. I suffer from depression, and it’s not because I was bullied. You don’t have depression from being bullied, depression is a mental disorder, and it doesn’t magically appear because someone has picked on you.
I’m by no means defending bullying, and it’s sick if that’s what happened to this kid. But don’t go around spreading falsehoods such as “depression comes from bullying”. It’s utterly wrong, and misrepresenting. I honestly hope you aren’t the kind of person that tells a friend that’s depressed to “cheer up”. Please go look up the disorder and become educated.
Kev C
@Toni Goodman: What are your qualifications for making such a statement? You know, humans are weird. Some can drink milk and die while most will live. Some are traumatized by one violent event while others are never truamatized however much violence. Everyone is different. Some are too sensitive and some are too insensitive. It sounds to me that Jamie included bullying in his mind as something that made him unhappy. And sometimes all it takes is a single straw to break the camel’s back.
Cam
@Hikari: said…
“We don’t know for sure that he was being bullied for being openly gay. It’s a distinct possibility, but bullying alone as a cause for chronic depression doesn’t seem right in this case.
Believe me, I know what it’s like to have depression so badly that you don’t even want to get up in the morning to face the day. I dealt with it extensively in junior high and high school, and it’s crippling! It didn’t matter that I was a straight kid; I still got bullied and picked on for stuff.”
___________________
Wow, so you say that bullying alone as a cause for depression doesn’t seem right….then you add in that you were depressed as a child….BECAUSE YOU WERE BULLIED!
You literally disproved your own statement.
To all the people who don’t think that being bullied can cause depression…please go read something. Being bullied can give kids symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress similar to that suffered by service-people. We also know it is enough to cause kids to kill themselves.
To say that something that can cause people to kill themselves or suffer PTSD isn’t enough to cause them to be depressed is so beyond idiotic you should be embarrassed to have typed it.
ben pin wang
I made this comment somewhere before, but let me make it clearer here. Bullying is this: you are the only one, and they are many. They can take turns, you can’t. You are worn out by them before lunch time, and they have more to come before the day ends. Chronicle fatigue, chronicle depression, chronicle helplessness,…lost of focus of life, lost of self-worth,.. For a teenager, what else to do and where else to go but turning it to yourself. Plus the self-rightous politicians and commentators on television, as if school bullying is not enough, they will add the “society bullying”. We need to make all the bullies accountable. Let’s name names.
Logan
We should pay attention to signs of suicide form ALL people not just teens.
Robert in NYC
Let’s not forget that the majority of the religious cults are partly to blame for this. Their constant anti-gay rhetoric, opposition to our equality and messages of hate that their offshoots such as NOM and FRC et al thrive on and use against us incites others to bully and in some cases commit violent crimes against us are not even addressed. I wonder how many of the religious leaders in this poor boy’s neighborhood have come forward to denounce bullying and admitting some of the responsibility? I bet not one has.
Sarah
I hate the word, ‘bullying’. I hate when some is harassed and assaulted, and we call it ‘bullying’ because they are still in school. I hate that we call it PTSD instead of trauma. I hate that people will say they’re depressed when they just mean they’re sad. I wish we wouldn’t use euphemisms to describe the pain and suffering that comes with mental illness or with harassment.
Cam, I don’t think you understand what a clinical depression is. To say that PTSD can give someone depression? That’s an erroneous statement simply by definition; they don’t have clinical depression, they have post-traumatic stress disorder, which shares some symptoms with clinical depression but also has its own spectrum of symptoms, different from depression. Read the DTSM.
Depression is not being sad. Depression is a soul-crushing pressure, a weight that doesn’t go away. Depression is being unable to get out of bed in the morning because you just can’t face another day. Depression is a filter that doesn’t allow you to see the good, only the bad and the miserable. It taints everything around you. Someone holds a door open for you? It’s not an act of kindness; they think you’re too weak to do it yourself. Someone tells you that they love you? They’re lying, or worse, that’s just one more person that you’re hurting, one more thing to feel guilty about. Depression warps your thinking, to the point that you can’t tell the difference between your messed up thoughts and reality.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been there myself, but when I read Jamie’s blog, I don’t see him talking (much) about ‘bullying’. I see that claustrophobic darkness taking hold. Reading his blog reminded me of when I used to think like that, and made me realize just how far I’ve come, and just how bad it used to be. Hitting rock bottom, falling through a crack, and getting stuck? Being paranoid that you annoy everyone you love? Telling yourself not to think because then you’ll realize how messed up everything is? A few months ago, I could have said and actually did say the exact same things. It’s startling to me to see myself reflected in this boy.
For the record, people tried to bully me in school, but I didn’t take that. I ignored them and laughed when they couldn’t get my attention, couldn’t hurt me. Bullying had nothing to do with my depression. I broke myself, years later. It was my perfectionist attitude, that nothing is ever good enough, that I am only worthy if I have achieved things in life. Did people say things that contributed to my downfall? Yes, of course. I cherry-picked from my experiences, and clung to those that supported my twisted view of reality, ignoring the plethora of kind and caring comments.
I’m rambling a bit. To sum up, this is what I want people to take away from my post:
Depression is soul-crushing darkness and loss of hope, not sadness. And if you want to say that ‘bullying’ was the cause of Jamie’s death, please have the decency to call it what it is: harassment.
JoeyB
Not only do kids like these have to deal with straight bullying, but then also face the sad reality that if they’re not good-looking enough in the eyes of other gays, they will also be rejected. He had pictures of muscle guys, the typical fantasy that we all have, but crushing when a young, sad, confused teen who is not “hot” by our porn standard and celebrity culture definition finds himself very lonely on all flanks. We, as gay men, have a responsibility to bear as well to change our culture.
Pierre
Hear hear, JoeyB! It was never bullying or homophobia that made me feel dejected and bullied when I was a pudgy young homo boy – it was the gay body fascists and gay magazines that told me if you’re not a muscular or skinny porn star, you’re worthless. It’s a shame this kid bought into all that.
Little Kiwi
bringing the bus around – “no fats fems asians or blacks” perpetuates self-loathing and negative self image.
word.
john
Well odviously he gained his depression from the bullying! That’s why I do high school online because people are so shitty at normal school. It’s not just the verbal abuse, it’s also things sexual as well. The boys used to grab me sexually just to humiliate me, I think it’s called hazing. Even one time one of the boys picked me up then threw me down in the locker room and started humping me. It wasn’t like they liked it, but they did it just to embarrass me. Not to mention being pushed around into lockers and onto the ground, having pens of mine broken and the ink being used to spell out “kill yourself fag” on my desk, and yes the verbal abuse was terrible as well. So just stop with your nonsense, the cause of the deep depression I have now is the torchure I experienced at school. I feel so bad for this poor kid. If only he waited 3 more years. He was the same age as me and it just breaks my heart that he had to die like that.
gregory
Some people are just too weak to survive. Hubley was from a politically connected, white middle class family; he never had to worry about food, shelter, health care, or education. He had full equal rights under the Canadian constitution including equal marriage. He was the very definition of a spoiled bourgeois suburban teen. His reason for suicide was harassment and not being partnered up by age 15(!). How would he have fared in an Islamic society? In Africa or the Caribbean? Gay teens, especially, ones in countries like Canada, have no right to complain. They have life infinitely easier than almost the rest of the planet. Stop school bullying by all means, but stop pretending like high school should be a Glee episode. Teens today are spoiled with unreasonable expectations.
Chris
I’m 37, and I don’t know how I made it all the way through high school in one piece. I was bullied a lot, almost daily, by losers who came from broken homes with alcoholic parents and god knows what else. I look back now and I see that they were taking their problems out on me. One of my bullies followed me home from school. I snapped and we fought, as my mother watched from down the block. I don’t know if I won, but that fucker never bothered me again. See, they don’t expect us to fight back. They see us as easy targets. We need to teach our kids self defense. If the schools are going to turn a blind eye, and if their classmates are going to walk away, then they need to fight the fuck back. We need to show the fucking bullies that we are not afraid of them.
tmy510
i was bullied as a kid, I didn’t kill myself. Being gay back then is alot harder than it is now. Depressed people will find any reason to cause harm to themselves, or to others.
RevengeoftheNerd
@Pierre: So true…I’ll never forget when I first came and was soooo happy to be a part of a community and started going to gay clubs, and, man, I kept getting turned down over and over whenever I wanted to dance with a guy. No one wanted to talk, only ogle at the hot bodies and pretend you weren’t even there. I felt so crushed. First made fun of by straights, then by my own kind. Which just comes to show: everyone is capable of cruelty, regardless of their sexuality. Mean, vapid, vain people abound everywhere.
shle896
@tmy510: I was bullied, too, and I didn’t kill myself either, but I sure did think about it more than once. Everyone’s experience is different, though. Being gay in a big city on the west coast is likely not as difficult as being gay in a small town in the Midwest.
True, he was depressed, but it was the bullying that fed his depression and ultimately did him in. It’s written all over his blog. Frankly, the kids who teased this boy to death are old enough to know better and the parents who raised these little evil fucks are every bit as responsible. I hope this haunts them for the rest of their miserable lives.
kylew
@tmy510: That’s an incredibly simplistic view of the situation. You have no idea what this boy’s life was like. It could have been 100 times worse than yours, and he was out. But I do agree that depressed people may over-react to what others perceive as a relatively painless situation.
kylew
@shle896: I think that in situations like this, bullying is used in the same way that parents of feckless kids use ADHD. Verbal roughhousing is part of teenage life, no matter what the issues. If it wasn’t his sexuality, it would have been his hair colour, and if not his hair colour, then his taste in music.
Some kids are simply emotionally less able to cope with the rigours of teen existence. I say that in no way to belittle Jamie, but just as a counter to your assumption that these were evil kids who knowingly tortured this kid verbally to oblivion. I would point out, that he was the one, who, knowing that there were no other openly gay boys in his school, chose to reveal a fact that he must surely have known would draw negative attention.
I think that the truth of this story will turn out to be an awful lot more complicated than your assumptions give credit for.
kylew
@gregory: Gregory, I couldn’t agree more. I do think that some kids delight in their own misery. I’ve seen these blogs, it’s almost like a “more miserable than you” competition. But then the truly tragic thing happens, and they start to believe their own talk, working themselves into genuine suicidal depression. Jamie’s suicide is incredibly sad, as is the loss of any young life, but I really do wonder how much of his misery was self-inflicted.
kylew
@RevengeoftheNerd: Yes, a sad but true observation on the human condition.
kylew
@john: John, it’s not obvious at all. This boy CHOSE to reveal his sexuality to the school. I’m not saying that gives anyone the right to humiliate him, but it makes me wonder if bullying was really that great a concern for him, at least before he came out. Everyone just assumes that there was an endless campaign of gay focussed bullying, but bullying is often in the eye of the beholder.
kylew
@JoeyB: I agree Joey, but I think the gay ideal is changing. I was never interested muscles or big dicks. I liked skinny ordinary guys just like myself. Now I see that emos and skinny guys are all the rage. But I think Gregory said it best when he suggested that this boy had unrealistic expectations. Maybe the poor kid was aromantic – they always seem the most vulnerable to me. When reality and their idealised visions collide, it can be a painful awakening.
Xray
@Toni Goodman:
What? You are obviously not a mental health professional. People do suffer from depression from being bullied. Soldiers suffer from post traumatic stress disorder from being exposed to traumatic events, right???
Just because your incidence of depression is not bullying-related doesn’t mean that another person’s isn’t.
Riker
@kylew: Do we know that he chose to reveal his sexuality to the whole school? Lots of kids confide in a friend, or someone they have a crush on, and are forcibly outed. Hell, it happens to adults too.
Marauder
I’m still dealing from the depression that began when I was bullied in fifth grade, and I’m old enough to have graduated from law school. Asking whether Jamie killed himself because of “bullying or depression” makes it sound like it had to be one or the other and couldn’t possibly have been both.
@gregory: The kid is dead and you’re taking this opportunity to call him weak and spoiled? Some people are not “too weak to survive.” Some people need help to deal with the problems in their lives, and for you to act like Jamie was just some inherently weak little brat is just heartless, period.
Father Mudkip
“But in this instance, at least from his online statements, it seems like Hubley’s suicide was prompted by a clinical depression and feelings of alienation and loneliness, not real-world torment at the hands of bullies.”
Absolutely not. First of all, there is absolutely no way you can assume that his depression was not caused by external variables. Second of all, the suicide rate for clinical depression in outpatients (such as Hubley) is only 2% (the 15% rates were shown to be outdated over a decade ago). Average suicide rates for a human is 1%. The average (attempted) suicide rate for LBGT youths is between 30-40%. hellOOOO?
sources for statistics:
http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/depression/a/suiciderates.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth#Reports_and_studies (http://www.sprc.org/library/SPRC_LGBT_Youth.pdf)
Btseven
All this pressure from the right to ban gay rights, marriage, equality and the list goes on and on.. makes me sick that the young gay, lesbian and questioning people growing up in this world wont get the equal chance that all the bullies will have to make a name for themselves.
That video make me sad, knowing that, this young man killed himself. You can see the emptiness in his eyes and the crying out for help as well. What happened to his parents, did they reject him too?
I remember growing up in the 70’s , it was a really straight world then. Closets were full of men and women waiting for the chance to come out. I came out in 93 and I was lucky to have a good coming out. My family and friends had no problem with me being gay. The last few years have been on the down turn, as more and more people are swayed by the religious pukes of the world that we are wrong and should be back in the closet. Out of site and out of mind. They are scared of us, we are more powerful than they are and they are trying to bully us into submission.
In the end we will win our freedoms, but at what cost?
Scott Mellon
I think the Queerty article is misleading. There is nothing in this article …. http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Hubley_says_bullying_pushed_his_son_over_the_edge-10912.aspx
that supports the view that bullying was “not the reason”.
And in any case, how would the father know that? We can (could, it’s been removed) read Jamie’s blog.
Obviously events don’t have one cause. Obviously depression was a factor, and should be taken seriously. But so should bullying, and this article in Queerty seems to imply otherwise. It wasn’t bullying OR depression, it was bullying AND depression.
geoff
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
That’s like saying “was it the diabetes or the pancreas not creating enough insulin?”
Surely Queerty doesn’t think all illnesses happen for no reason. So why depression?
Balthazar
Women and men who are into the same sex (adolescents included) are 6 times more likely to acquire depression compared to heterosexual individuals, as a direct cause of bullying and intolerance. Suicidality is a symptom of depression. It is therefore a rather naive and disrespectful thing to actually still ask ‘Was it bullying or depression’. Matter of fact is: He killed himself, for all the wrong reasons (and there are no right reasons).
xander
Even factoring out* overt physical bullying, lgbt people experience depression. Social isolation and oh yes the constant messages from society that we’re bad, damaged, unfit, etc. all contribute.
*Studies seeking to factor out that variable don’t use the same definitions, so it’s difficult to compare them. Ergo, take with grain of salt.