25 Random Things About Being Gay on Facebook

facebookIf you’re on Facebook, chances are you’ve been hit with the “25 Random Things About Me” meme that’s taking over the site faster than Scrabulous. While we’ve been able to ward off the zombies, “Do You Like Me?” and sticker apps, the simplicity and egocentric nature of “25 Random Things About Me” has consumed every waking moment of our lives. Who knew my best friend has a collection of cat dolls? Or that the guy we slept with four years ago has a fear of dying alone. Since a “25 Random Things About Queerty” list would just be the word “gay” repeated 25 times, we offer up a list of 25 random tips on how to make Facebook work for your gay, gay lifestyle.

1. There are two schools of thought with Facebook. The first is that it’s just for your friends and close associates. The other is that it’s an online Pokegay and that you should collect as many as possible. Both are valid, but only one will help you get laid.

2. Black and white profile photos are lame. So are head shots.

3. If you do not state your relationship status in your Facebook profile, that means you are available. Stating that you’re “single” in your Facebook profile means you’re desperate.

4. Conversely, think twice about announcing your relationship status by Facebook. When you break up, all your friends will see a sad broken heart announcing the end of your relationship and you will get lots of comments along the lines of “What happened?” and “I’m so sorry!” Though, I guess it’s a good way to get some rebound sex.

5. If you have over 1,000 Facebook friends, you are an asshole. We speak with authority on the topic. Your editor’s profile just passed the 1k mark and he’s now officially an asshole.

6. The flip side of this is that if you are a new media douchebag (like us), it makes a lot of sense to accept every friend invitation you get. You can use your fake friends to network, see what readers are talking about and stalk C-List celebrities.

7. Think twice about announcing how bad your day is by Facebook status update. We have one friend who constantly mentions all the awful things that happen in her life and we used to think she was really cool, but now we just feel bad for her. And by we, I mean all her friends, who comment on her updates behind her back. We’re terrible people, we know.

8. Facebook event invitations should not be considered real RSVP’s. It’s way to easy to click “I will attend” and never show up and we feel it’s sort of a dick move to reply “maybe” to an invite. It’s the online equivalent of saying, “If nothing better comes up.”

9. If someone does not reply to your “Cause” invitation, try not to assume that person doesn’t care about Lupus, saving kittens or bringing back Silver Spoons to prime time.

facebook10. Everything on the internet is public. Look, we here at Queerty constantly use Facebook to look up people and write hilarious things about them. If you don’t want your mother seeing that photo of you having five guys take a body shot off of you, do not post it.

11. Family members and Facebook are a pretty delicate matter, especially for gay folks. My favorite aunt Facebooked me and I was nervous about adding her because I never had come out to her, but went ahead with it. After seeing photos of me marching in Prop. 8 protests, she wrote me a note saying how proud she was of me and over the holidays we talked and became closer than ever. Still, be aware that everyone’s on Facebook now.

12. If you have a problem with someone, there is a better way of handling it than telling them via Wall post.

13. If you think a guy is cute, you can’t just add him as a friend and expect a response. Try, you know, actually communicating with him. Facebook may be popular with the middle-school set, but that doesn’t mean you should act like you’re 13.

14. Announcing your engagement via Facebook is totally awesome. Seriously. Whenever this happens, it’s a cause for celebration.

15. Here’s how you introduce yourself to a cute guy on Facebook: “Dear (Name), Saw that you (insert random thing that you connect to on their list of activities, music or hobbies). Me too! P.S.- You’re cute.

16. Don’t overuse your ability to send out spam via Facebook. Especially when sending out “funny forwards” we’ve seen a thousand times before.

17. We know you saw Milk and thought it was wonderful. You can stop telling us now.

18. 45 “favorite bands” doesn’t say that you have great taste in music so much as it says that you have decision-making problems.

19. The absolute best application on Facebook is “New Mexico Gifts”. You need not be from New Mexico to give the gift of Frontiers Restaurant or Al Hurricane.

20. So, you’ve started a Prop. 8 Facebook group. You’ve gone to the trouble of assigning officers and posting a snazzy photo and now have 2,000 supporters. Now, do something with all of them.

21. Fake PAPER magazine editor Peter Davis is the nexus of gay Facebook. We don’t know why. He just is.

22. “25” is way too many things to ask people to come up with.

23. We don’t understand ‘poking’, unless it’s, you know, in person.

24. Do not ever defriend anyone. You may think it’s justified, you may not have spoken to the person in question is years, but you might as well go into your former friend’s house, piss on their bed, pour Tabasco sauce in their lube and then set their house on fire. Trust us on this.

25. Don’t fall for memes. You’re a sheep if you do. Baaaah.

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42 Comments

  • Steven

    Yeah! New Mexico gifts! I might be sending out Lotaburger combos later today.

  • lessthan

    I love #24. I hadn’t realized that it would be such a blow to be defriended.

  • Flour

    Facebook is a scary little stalker database, yet absolutely brilliant. Baaaah.

  • Mika L.

    Of course you can just join the “gay version” of facebook, and avoid those family issues, on gays.com ;)

  • Jeremy Feist

    25. Don’t fall for memes. You’re a sheep if you do. Baaaah.

    Hey, totally not my fault here. My friends are completely batshit, and in all likelihood, if I don’t do them, they might put a hit out on me. Although some of them are kinda fun. Baaaaah.

    Also, this is from experience, but never ever EVER add family on Facebook. It sounds a little harsh, but my God, they will stalk every single move you make.

  • Coffee&Chicory

    18. 45 “favorite bands” doesn’t say that you have great taste in music so much as it says that you have decision-making problems.

    Ya know, some of us actually listen to more than 10 or so bands or groups.

  • belacan

    funny stuff
    i’ll put it up on my facebook.
    ;)

  • Brooklyn Bobby

    Do I have to stay friends with my ex-boyfriend’s mother? I thought she was a lil weird to begin with now its just strange being friends with her.

  • Fuzzygruf

    I’m am SO de-friending you.

  • Gregoire

    I de-friend responsibly. If some person I went to high school with puts up some racist Facebook status, then I have no qualms de-friending. In fact, I sometimes ‘clean house’ and take off a few at a time. I don’t need more friends, I need quality friends.

  • Shane!

    I don’t understand poking on Facebook either, much less superpoking.

    It has been a long time since I was superpoked, and believe you me, if I had been I’d not need Facebook to let me know.

  • Larry

    One way to avoid awkwardness with family members is to have two profiles. I have one that’s publicly viewable that I use for my mom, co-workers and so forth, and one that doesn’t even show up in searches.

  • Kevin B

    There is nothing “random” about a list of facts.

    This word continues to be one of the most misused words ever!

  • mike

    26. Post a current Profile Pic. Facebook is not a TIME MACHINE where you can instantly transport yourself back to the 90’s when you were hot (or at least you though you were hot). You may actually meet some of these folks in person one day. Especially that 19 year old Ukrainian kid whom you promised to fly over to visit Disney World this summer.

  • Mr. Mickey

    in #21 why do you call Peter Davis a fake Paper Magazine editor. He works or Paper and has been one of our editors for ages. He writes for us every month….

    Mr Mickey from Paper

  • mike

    27. Dudes, this is Facebook, not MANHUNT! Ditch the shirtless Profile Pics.

  • Tweety

    I am amused by how everyone posts these “25 Things…” notes to 25 friends but they don’t realize it actually gets posted to the wall of ALL their friends. Remember, there is no privacy on the internets.

  • Steven

    @Mika L.: Gay.com is a total freakshow. Way worse than facebook. For starters, I never once got any kind of a Superpoke off of Gay.com.

  • Jay

    #21 Peter Davis is actually a pretty cool guy. I’d be happy to part of his “Gay nexus” anytime.

  • Kid A

    @Kevin B: YES! Finally. I am sick of “Random” photo albums and “OMG my friends are so random!” That, and when people misuse “literally.” As in, “I literally could eat a horse.” I think you mean figuratively.

  • Mark

    @mike:

    90s? I was hot in the 70s.

  • Gianpiero

    I always use the mental filter of not posting anything I wouldn’t want my (college) students to see. Works pretty well. I am openly gay in my profile (as in life, so on facebook), so they don’t have to waste any time speculating. Unfortunately, too many of them don’t realize how much I can see about them. Would rather not know. Long ago stopped looking.

  • jeffrey bryan

    28. If someone has denied your add request, don’t try again. It makes you look pathetic.

  • Me

    Two things:

    I never facefuck someone just for the hell of it. My list of “friends” is pretty much just my list of friends. If I don’t talk to you fairly regularly via some other medium, then you’re not on the list. It’s not a place for someone I stood next to at a party 13 years ago, exchanging pleasantries. CAN’T STAND facefuckers (you know them because they have 7 zillion friends listed, but only talk with less than 10 of them).

    As for the few long-lost souls possibly worth seeking out to see what they’ve been up to over the years… “Black and white profile photos are lame. So are head shots.” It’s people like you that make it impossible to search out others, because you’re one of 15 people in a group shot taken from 20 feet away in a dark bar. You’re like… three and half flesh-colored pixels. So which John Doe are you? The one I knew in the 8th grade or that one who was arrested for the meth lab in Milwaukee 2 weeks ago? Both?

  • Michael Warner

    LOL LOL absolutely brilliant!

  • Thor

    I’m friends with my mom on facebook. How bad is that >_<

  • Mika L.

    #18 @Steven, wrong site, I really meant gays.com, plural, it’s really just like Facebook, but for gays only ;)

  • Jay

    um i just got rid of facebook. too annoying.

    but now i have no social life :|

  • Travis

    I have a question.

    If you get a friend request from someone you REALLY don’t like, is it better form to deny the request really quickly, or just sit on it for a while, not responding? I have denied someone’s friend request 3 times before finally relenting, giving them partial access to my profile.

  • Jack

    @Kid A: The “literally” drives me berserk. Metaphorically.

  • myrios123

    I think there are justifications for de-friending: abusive relationships, people who are emotional-arsonists, and stalkers to name a few. I have no problem with people who defriend me either. People come in and out of our life all the time. No one is ever permanent.

  • slee

    #14 is about Jess :D

  • Justin

    i have a question for the above person.

    What is an emotional arsonist?

    How did you come across the term?

  • Luke

    29. If you’re still in the closet, don’t set your “interested in” to “women”. Just leave it blank. Everyone knows you’re queer anyway.

  • myrios123

    An emotional arsonist is usually someone that you were involved in a relationship with and seems to find some kind of satisfaction causing trouble, making innapropriate comments, basically overstaying their welcome while “trying” to be your friend.

    Sometimes these folks can be family member or a friend that acts this way because they just don’t know any better. I’m not sure where I first heard this term, but I know some people that it fits well.

  • Justin

    TO MYRIOS123. Thank you for your response.

  • Megan

    I had someone friend me, defriend me a day later, then friend me again, then defriend me, now she is sitting in my facebook purgatory… Along with my girlfriend’s mom.

  • dancie

    This site is gay.

  • shan

    Judgemental and totally LAME! homo pha khai shynrang ne pha kjup doi?

  • Michael

    @dancie:

    Wow you must be a rocket scientist to figure that out.

  • Scott

    I defriended an ex today. This person seems to think everything about his life and
    himself is about being gay or gay themed and I can’t stand to see such a one tracked
    deformed mindset come through in everything he posts. So self indulgent & absorbed.
    I don’t mind other gays but this type I just cannot get along with so well.

Comments are closed.