If you’re on Facebook, chances are you’ve been hit with the “25 Random Things About Me” meme that’s taking over the site faster than Scrabulous. While we’ve been able to ward off the zombies, “Do You Like Me?” and sticker apps, the simplicity and egocentric nature of “25 Random Things About Me” has consumed every waking moment of our lives. Who knew my best friend has a collection of cat dolls? Or that the guy we slept with four years ago has a fear of dying alone. Since a “25 Random Things About Queerty” list would just be the word “gay” repeated 25 times, we offer up a list of 25 random tips on how to make Facebook work for your gay, gay lifestyle.
1. There are two schools of thought with Facebook. The first is that it’s just for your friends and close associates. The other is that it’s an online Pokegay and that you should collect as many as possible. Both are valid, but only one will help you get laid.
2. Black and white profile photos are lame. So are head shots.
3. If you do not state your relationship status in your Facebook profile, that means you are available. Stating that you’re “single” in your Facebook profile means you’re desperate.
4. Conversely, think twice about announcing your relationship status by Facebook. When you break up, all your friends will see a sad broken heart announcing the end of your relationship and you will get lots of comments along the lines of “What happened?” and “I’m so sorry!” Though, I guess it’s a good way to get some rebound sex.
5. If you have over 1,000 Facebook friends, you are an asshole. We speak with authority on the topic. Your editor’s profile just passed the 1k mark and he’s now officially an asshole.
6. The flip side of this is that if you are a new media douchebag (like us), it makes a lot of sense to accept every friend invitation you get. You can use your fake friends to network, see what readers are talking about and stalk C-List celebrities.
7. Think twice about announcing how bad your day is by Facebook status update. We have one friend who constantly mentions all the awful things that happen in her life and we used to think she was really cool, but now we just feel bad for her. And by we, I mean all her friends, who comment on her updates behind her back. We’re terrible people, we know.
8. Facebook event invitations should not be considered real RSVP’s. It’s way to easy to click “I will attend” and never show up and we feel it’s sort of a dick move to reply “maybe” to an invite. It’s the online equivalent of saying, “If nothing better comes up.”
9. If someone does not reply to your “Cause” invitation, try not to assume that person doesn’t care about Lupus, saving kittens or bringing back Silver Spoons to prime time.
10. Everything on the internet is public. Look, we here at Queerty constantly use Facebook to look up people and write hilarious things about them. If you don’t want your mother seeing that photo of you having five guys take a body shot off of you, do not post it.
11. Family members and Facebook are a pretty delicate matter, especially for gay folks. My favorite aunt Facebooked me and I was nervous about adding her because I never had come out to her, but went ahead with it. After seeing photos of me marching in Prop. 8 protests, she wrote me a note saying how proud she was of me and over the holidays we talked and became closer than ever. Still, be aware that everyone’s on Facebook now.
12. If you have a problem with someone, there is a better way of handling it than telling them via Wall post.
13. If you think a guy is cute, you can’t just add him as a friend and expect a response. Try, you know, actually communicating with him. Facebook may be popular with the middle-school set, but that doesn’t mean you should act like you’re 13.
14. Announcing your engagement via Facebook is totally awesome. Seriously. Whenever this happens, it’s a cause for celebration.
15. Here’s how you introduce yourself to a cute guy on Facebook: “Dear (Name), Saw that you (insert random thing that you connect to on their list of activities, music or hobbies). Me too! P.S.- You’re cute.
16. Don’t overuse your ability to send out spam via Facebook. Especially when sending out “funny forwards” we’ve seen a thousand times before.
17. We know you saw Milk and thought it was wonderful. You can stop telling us now.
18. 45 “favorite bands” doesn’t say that you have great taste in music so much as it says that you have decision-making problems.
19. The absolute best application on Facebook is “New Mexico Gifts”. You need not be from New Mexico to give the gift of Frontiers Restaurant or Al Hurricane.
20. So, you’ve started a Prop. 8 Facebook group. You’ve gone to the trouble of assigning officers and posting a snazzy photo and now have 2,000 supporters. Now, do something with all of them.
21. Fake PAPER magazine editor Peter Davis is the nexus of gay Facebook. We don’t know why. He just is.
22. “25” is way too many things to ask people to come up with.
23. We don’t understand ‘poking’, unless it’s, you know, in person.
24. Do not ever defriend anyone. You may think it’s justified, you may not have spoken to the person in question is years, but you might as well go into your former friend’s house, piss on their bed, pour Tabasco sauce in their lube and then set their house on fire. Trust us on this.
25. Don’t fall for memes. You’re a sheep if you do. Baaaah.