Do you clearly reject someone on a dating app with a reply message or just ignore them?
For every profile that says, ‘Please block or ignore if not interested,’ you’ll come across someone else who states, ‘I will always respond to all messages – I think it’s rude not to.’
It’s a dilemma for which there is no right or wrong answer.
Besides disinterest in engaging in conversation, why do we not respond? Sometimes because we don’t like to reject someone for fear we’ll make them feel bad; Maybe we don’t know what words to use; sometimes we just think no response is a response.
However, if do struggle to find the words, here are four simple lines to default to.
1. He’s asked if you’re interested in meeting or if you can unlock more photos
You can respond: “Thanks but I don’t think you’re my type so I’m going to respectfully decline. Enjoy the rest of your day.”
Good manners cost nothing and thanking someone if they’ve paid you a compliment is… well, good manners. As is wishing them well.
2. He keeps sending you messages but never actually asks to meet
You can respond: “Hey, I’m always happy to chat online, if that’s what you’re looking for, but I don’t think you’re my type and thought it better to say so as I don’t want to waste your time if you’re seeking more. Hope that’s OK with you.”
People who send endless ‘Hey’ and ‘How you doing?’ messages tend to want to ask something else but can be shy of getting to the point. Help them get to the point. Life is short.
3. But what if don’t want to chat online to the guy, either?
You can respond: “Thanks for the message. I’m only really here to chat with guys with a view to meeting up, and I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for – no offense. All the best with your search though.”
You don’t owe anyone your time and there’s no shame or embarrassment in not wanting to talk to someone.
4. Lastly, keep it short and simple
“Thanks for your message, I’m flattered but not interested/available to meet. Take care.”
Resist going into reasons as to why you’re not interested in someone, as it may come across like you’re criticizing them. You’re not interested, so leave it at that.
This can be hard if you’ve detailed a preference on your profile for a certain type of person and they fall within that category. However, at the end of the day, if you’ve got a thing for red-headed bears and they’re a red-headed bear, it still doesn’t automatically mean you want to jump into bed with them.
“We often hear from our service users about how tough it can feel navigating the apps and online dating,” says Monty Moncrieff, Chief Executive of LGBTQ counseling service London Friend.
“The more we can do to make online environments a friendlier space the better, and a polite ‘thanks, but no thanks’ kind of message goes some way to this.
“It might have taken the person sending the message some courage to send it, so take the compliment. They find you attractive, that’s a nice thing to hear. Even if you don’t fancy them back it’s friendly to acknowledge them and politely decline taking things further.”
Rejecting other people can be difficult, especially if you have tendencies to be a people pleaser. Rejection can sting, but you’re not responsible for how other people react.
Be honest, be kind, and bear in mind what sort of message you would like to receive if you were the one being rejected.
And remember, you don’t have to respond. However, you might want to warn people in advance on your profile that you don’t respond to all messages.
“Add a friendly warning in your profile that you respond very selectively thanks to your notoriously bad taste in men,” suggested Kris Verlé, an Online Life and Performance Coach.
“That way you can prepare guys for the chance they might not hear back from you. You don’t owe anybody an explanation of why you’re not interested. But by using a more humorous variation on the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ theme, you can actually help someone reframe the rejection they might feel after being ignored.”
Heywood Jablowme
Yikes. Having tried ALL four of these methods I say it’s kinder (as well as easier) to just block someone. At best, these supposedly “kind” replies invite further questions if the guy doesn’t understand the SPECIFICS of your lack of interest. At worst, they react with hostility and abuse… and then you have to block them anyway!
If you’re not interested, or sense something “off,” it’s more kind to just block them and they’ll forget about it in a day.
jsmu
Wow. Way to justify your own cretinous rudeness and utter lack of rudimentary social skills, Buckwheat!
Guy12345678
I strongly advise you DON’T do this. Some guys get butt hurt and then retaliate against you
Creamsicle
The intention here is very kind, but all of this is awful advice.
Toxic guys don’t react to any kind of rejection well, and typically only get angrier the more you try to be polite. These strategies are only effective against decent guys who you don’t consider sexy.
Rock-N-RollHS
lol. “Toxic.” Oh, miss Spears!
Considering that you are above it all, and not, as you say, “Toxic,” what kind of rejection do you prefer?
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Agree with all above posts. I tried the thanks but not interested in many variables. Too many responded with negative and nasty attacks. I try to av blocks because that is seen as a negative response, unless they become nasty.
Aless77
I agree it’s good practice to offer a friendly reply but I don’t always do it – sometimes it’s just easier to ignore. I like the suggestion of adding a warning to my profile that if I don’t reply, I’m not interested.
Rock-N-RollHS
Absolutely. Are we not grown ups?
jsmu
Well, rude little twat, how does it make you feel when prospective employers don’t bother to reply to your applications/inquiries because you’re not good enough for them?
kossl2000
My philosophy has always been you don’t owe strangers an explanation, so ignoring them is fine. And being ignored is nothing to be upset about. However if youve engaged in conversation for a significant amount of time or have met in real life then you should at least explain why you want to stop, but it’s still not required. And the ‘block me’ crowd need to realize they’re not entitled to that effort on my part either. Nothing quite like some passive aggressive person trying to force an interaction. But for those who cant understand they’re being ignored I generally do block them after three attempts to message me.
BertramFidelity
I just usually message them back this: “Looking for better, sorry!”
Rock-N-RollHS
another one popular at parties, I’m sure.
queerty02
I just say, “Sorry, but you’re too ugly for me.” Or if I’m feeling nice, “Sorry, I’m just way too hot for you.”
Rock-N-RollHS
You sound charming. (Can we block you here?)
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Rock-N-Roll: 1000%Co-sign….
Black Pegasus
And then they proceed to report your photos.
lord.krath
Youll never please everyone and you’ll always offend someone. Do what you feel is necessary as long as you don’t go ou of your way to be rude. Ignoring and blocking can be rude, but it also sends a message. Culturally, these kind of things happen all of the time. I had Korean counterparts at work and would constantly communicate inquiries and requests. NO response is a no. Otherwise, replies are quite quick. Sometimes it’s nothing personal. Imagine going fishing and getting upset that not only did no fish take your bait but they didn’t write you an essay examining their choice.
Aires the Ram
@lord.krath: Excellent response!
I must ad, that whenever threads like this happen along, as they have several times before regarding dating apps., my response has always been the same……….
1. Wait for Friday or Saturday night.
2. Take a shower and make yourself presentable.
3. Get in the car and Go out to a local gay bar or venue of some kind.
4. Leave your cell phone in the car.
5. Actually be PRESENT where you are.
6. Talk to some people you may not have met before, make conversation.
7. You might not get laid, but you just might meet someone nice, and have nice conversation.
8. Or, you might get laid!!
9. And better yet, you just might discover that there’s a world of people outside of your cell phone & computer.
MacAdvisor
1. I like you very much… as a friend.
2. It’s me and not you.
3. I am just not that into you, I’m sorry.
4. I’ve just come off a bad relationship and am just not ready to start dating again.
Coruna2018
All classics in the rejection world. I’m an expert at receiving #s 1,2, and 4. I would consider #3 the most humane response.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Is it rerun season already??
JarodD
Blocking people will really antagonize the crazies and theyll make another account to stalk you. Messaging is generally a waste of time since if they cant take a hint after you dont reply to their multiple days in a row of saying hey then thats on them. Occasionally if you want to be nice you can say not interested, otherwise it’s best to just stop replying.
glennmcbride
In this situation, I say, “I am on vacation and will answer messages when I get back.”
Thomas
The idea of the article is to challenge one of the main issues people have with online interactions… People embrace crass behavior behind a perception that they are disconnected and enjoy a degree of anonymity. By using a profile or interacting through an app shouldnt give license to treat each other with disdain for reaching out or attempting to make a connection. We should try to interact with one another with more kindness and sensitivity. The range of responses justifying a lack of kindness/care is pretty illuminating. A lot of the responses are trying to justify their lack of empathy and seem proud of their cold responses or passive-aggressive rejection. “I’m better looking, therefore I can be nasty”. We are all searching for a sense of connection and while rejection is part of the process we can always seek to do it with heart.
Evji108
Good luck with that. I personally am not interested in hearing a rejection, no matter how polite. I will remember a verbal rejection for days but if someone who I have never met ignores my interest by not responding, I will forget it almost instantaneously.
jsmu
@evji108 You’re really so stupid you don’t even know that being ignored is a total rejection? Good luck with your life–you’ll need it.
gavo92
I just ignore, or I block if he has no pics. Don’t ever talk to strangers with no pictures. It’s risky.
Evji108
I’m with the ignorers, not the blockers. Blocking without distinct cause sends a very negative message – in essence you’re erasing their existence. I only block someone if they are being pesky.
Responding to every inquiry that you aren’t interested in with a fake polite response is useless. I’ve tried it and mostly people take offense anyway and it drags the whole process of declining out unnecessarily. If you don’t respond at all the whole thing is quickly forgotten.
russdog
I’m not too sure about these tips. I’d rather not leave “you’re not my type” or similar comments as it suggests there’s something deficient about the other guy rather than my own personal tastes. The social rules are a bit different online than in person, just like sex club etiquette is unlike any other social set of rules. You’re not obligated to respond to a message online from a stranger. If it’s someone you’re interested in, then respond and see what happens. If you’re not interested, don’t answer if you don’t want to. If someone compliments you, say “thanks” and leave it at that. Don’t respond to repeated unwanted messages or rude comments. You don’t have to explain yourself to anonymous men online. Just be mature, polite.
djmcgamester
I just tell them. NBD. If they get weird about it they can be blocked.
If someone expressed interest in me but I didn’t feel the same back, I do what @russdog does and say “thanks”. Super simple.
Paton41
Some on line guys get real pissed if you reject them!