the cinema

5 Reasons Not to See Sex and the City 2 (That You’ll Totally Ignore and See the Movie Anyhow)

You will go see Sex and the City 2 because that is what homosexuals, just like the rest of America and perhaps the world (with the exception of the Middle East) will do, because we are sheep and we do what Michael Patrick King wants. You will not like it very much, at least not as much as the first film, and certainly not Seasons 4 and 5. And now I will tell you why. (Possible spoilers ahead.)

5. The gay wedding between Anthony and Stanford wasn’t just unbelievable (in the not able to believe way), it was atrocious. Is this what passes for camp these days? Actual swans, choir boys, and when you get enough gays in the room Liza Minellli just “manifests”? (Actually that was a funny line.) Not to mention the whole thing centered around Anthony’s belief that he’s going to continue to cheat after they’re married, because what gay male couple doesn’t sleep with other people.

4. Too much menopause. We get it, Samantha, you’re going through the changes. But must every other punchline be about yams and pills? For a whole scene there you had orange Dioscorea around your lips in what looked like a bizarre herpes flair-up.

3. Jason Lewis only appears shirtless in one scene. (But the giant boner and bare butt of the sophisticated older gent Samantha bangs helps make up for it.)

2. The stereotypes about Muslim men and women in the Middle East are about as flagrant, obvious, and stale as the stereotypes about gays. One of the butler’s names was Abdul. “Like Paula.” Jesus.

1. Liza Minelli singing “Single Ladies.” Yes, it was that bad, even with moving pictures to distract from the audio.

But the No.1 reason to see SATC 2? Cynthia Nixon playing Miranda. Among all the ladies, her physical appearance was the most flawless (Kristin Davis the most … exhausted). She received some of the best lines and managed to steal almost every scene.