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5 Speakers Who Want Ann Coulter’s Place on GOProud’s Homocon Podium

Right-wing hate monger Peter LaBarbera has asked Ann Coulter to reconsider her appearance at GOProud’s 2010 Homocon Event. He’s right, she should step down — but not because she says awful things about gays. (Gawd, she’s just kidding, alright? Stop complaining like the blacks). No, Coulter must stand down because she has no right hogging the homophobic lectern all for herself. What about all the other great homotastic conservatives dying to speak at Homocon? We’ve got some ideas on other guest speakers (and their choice talking points) who would love to host GOProud’s self-loathing soiree.

Attendees please note: Though GOProud is holding the event in the depraved liberal orgy that is New York City, we’re certain executive director Jimmy LaSalvia is working hard to find the most homophobic venue possible so that you can feel comfortable in the fact that you’re not the only person repulsed by your lifestyle. Please stay tuned.

Greg Gutfeld on “Throwing A Cocktail in the Face of Religious Conservatives”

By announcing his intent to open a Muslim gay bar next to the Ground Zero mosque, the Fox News host has suddenly become the biggest gay advocate in the Republican Par-tay! He’ll not only discuss his plans for Manhattan’s holiest gay bar but also help gay venture capitalists fight conservative congregations with Super Sabbath happy hours, caliphate cocktails, and hymnal karaoke. Praise Be! Now there’s a speech that even Jesus would rise from the dead to hear.

Matthew Berry on ‘Pied Piping: Getting So-called Gay Groups to Support Your Openely Gay Anti-Gay Agenda’

Who better to deliver a rousing speech about fleecing gay groups than the failed openly gay Virginia Republican congressional candidate who supports DADT and each state’s right to ban gay marriage? GOProud supported him during his race and now they can help him make ends meet during the lean times by teaching gays how to trick fellow queers into getting you elected just so you can turn around and fuck them (politically, that is. Actual gay sex would be… y’know, too gay).

George Rekers’ speech ‘Reach Out And Touch Him: The Importance of Massage Therapy in Ex-Gay Rehabilitation’

This selfless Baptist crusader revolutionized ex-gay therapy with his “spank the gay away” therapy and most likely supports “psychological striptease” as a way to get young men to cum in his mouth become straight. Rekers knows the healing power of massage (especially when you’re counseling an 8-inch uncut twink about the Lord), so he’ll lead a guided strip meditation and instruct attendees on how to grasp a man’s rippling back and supple pectorals in a way that will squeeze the gay right out of their taut muscular bodies.

NOTE: Rekers assures us that he’s much more dashing than in his horribly overused web pic.

Sarah Palin’s imaginary gay friend speaks ‘On Choosing To Be Gay’:

The future Queen of the United States is no bigot. She knows the pain of choosing to be gay — just ask her imaginary gay friend (he’s out there in the Alaskan wilderness somewhere). What’s it like to be a tiny flea with living alternative lifestyle on the deadliest she-moose in America? Listen and find out! His co-speaker will be Cliff Kincaid, spokesman for Accuracy In Media, who will deliver a brief but stirring invective entitled, “You Are All Horrible Sodomites And Have No Place In God’s Party.” Bring your noisemakers!

Tammy Bruce shares ‘It’s Not A Hate Crime When We Gays Do The Bashing’

Openly gay conservative pundit Tammy LaBruce (also known as “the poor man’s Ann Coulter”) once said “Hate crime legislation accomplishes only one thing — the notion that some people in this country are more important than others.” She’s right. GOProud knows better than anybody that gays don’t need political protection because they should be indistinguishable from everyone else (in fact, GOProud would vote themselves out of existence if their fabulous charter didn’t prohibit it). Bruce will further GOProud’s shame-fest by reassuring everyone that conservative market forces will eventually provide equality for all (except for blacks, the poor, the effeminate, and transgender people) if we will just all engage in an orderly discussion while are several more hundred thousand queers are fired, infected, and killed—it’s called civil political discourse, people.

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