Finally, a Chinese elementary school has gotten tired of boys who skip rope and cry when yelled at and have started a program that will encourage the little sissies to act like real men. Now hairless young boys with the bodies of Michael Jackson will enjoy manly treasures like fighting and vomit instead of womanly crap like “feelings” and art. Of course, a bunch of queers are crying over how much it’ll mess up those little dudes, but all those queers are FAGZ!!! On the contrary, if China plays their knives right (because cards are a woman’s game), there are at least five ways this new generation of mega-manly Chinese stallions could lead their country into the world-stomping global superpower they totally deserve to be. Are you prepared for the Dude World Order? No, no you are not.
Note: Sarcasm ahead! If you don’t understand the concept, we recommend visiting another URL.
Everyone knows that Chinese parents prefer boys to girls. Boys continue the family name while girls just bind their toes off and make tea. And now that boys are gonna honor their families by learning how to annihilate animals, bust boardroom balls, and conquer countries, girls will go from undesirable to ultra-undesirable.
Though if parents start raising fewer girls, at some point there will be a lot more men than women. So to snag the best stallion in the stables, a woman will have to be the most traditionally feminine women in all of China: size 3 feet, insane tea-making abilities, mad crazy fan-flirting skillz, a fertile womb that only shoots out man-babies, and absolutely no sass mouth or vile diseases.
Right now the Chinese economy is the third largest in the world, but only because it’s based on the Chinese yuan instead of on the Chinese FIST! If every businessman stopped acting like a businesswoman they wouldn’t depend on namby-pamby diplomacy to settle disputes over international inflation, labor shortages, and export costs. They’d just use a FIST and DONE!
Wanna re-negotiate your sweatshop contract? FIST!
Wanna raise import tarriffs? DOUBLE FIST!
Can’t pay for our lead-painted poison cat food? FIST! FIST! FIST!
Of course, some fists would be more valuable than others, just like real currency. A regular FIST would be like an ass-kicking penny, but a DRAGON PUNCH would be like a super-nickel. You don’t even wanna know how much a BUDDHA UPPERCUT is worth. Your ass couldn’t afford it.
Everyone loves the movie Battle Royale and even though those school children were Japanese, what better model for Qinlinglu Elementary’s field day? Whichever little bastards survive can grow up and participate in Chinese Gladiators, Beijing’s premiere game show!
Now instead of going on stab rampages at elementary schools, grown men can channel their aggression in a televised kill-o-ramas where contestants fight for prizes (and their lives) using an array of traditional Chinese weaponry. It’ll be just like The Running Man, only hurtier.
Then China can turn around and sell the game show to Spike TV—it will absolutely slay in America.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Yeah, honor’s important, but who commits suicide over a lost iPhone prototype? Killing yourself is the woman’s way out. Real men horribly mutilate themselves with serrated knives and pour acid on their own faces and then return to work the next day and act like nothing ever happened.
In fact, real men maim themselves in private and upon returning to work become insaniac productioneers that make money like its sperm. And if anyone asks why their eyeball is hanging out of its socket, they just punch that homo into the nearest machine and laugh while it dismembers them.
Then they down a tiger penis cocktail and screw eight concubines while shredding a Chinese lute on a flaming stage suspended from an iron dragon—BADASS!!!
Some ancient Chinese guys wrote poems about softcore lesbian relationships from a teenage female point of view. And if that wasn’t bad enough, a lot of them also wrote flowery “I love nature” crap like this:
Across the world this June, the petals all have fallen,
But the mountain temple’s peach blossom has just begun to bloom.
You may feel moved by the subtleness and delicacy of this ancient poet’s verse, but that’s because you totally have a ‘gina (like Walt Whitman). Nah dude, if you have to write dumb poems at all, wouldn’t it be better if every one was like a cross between an Arnold Schwarzenegger and Judd Apatow film? Like how about this:
Dude, do you know why you are gay?
Because you won’t blow up that police van with a grenade launcher.
See? Isn’t that like a bajillion times more ridicu-freakin-awesome? And then you can adapt each of those eye-raping poems into a mega-million dollar mind-blowing blockbusters! Double score!
James in MTL
wow what a ridiculously ignorant, borderline racist, useless article. Rather than address an issue in depth, maybe offering some kind of insightful criticism, acknowledging ways in which queer forces are working AGAINST misogyny in China, you pander to hackneyed stereotypes about Chinese culture and portray the really serious (and increasingly relevant) way China views gender and sexuality as a means to a cheap, glib joke.
I usually don’t bother trying to criticize Queerty, but seriously? Footbinding? Do you know anything about Chinese culture besides what you saw in Rush Hour 2?
Lanjier
Here is another article about a book “boy crisis” in China which may have prompted a kind of hysteria. The scare is partly about gender identity, but also about academic skills and confidence. http://en.ce.cn/Life/society/201004/07/t20100407_21242846.shtml
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Interesting country would do so much to prevent those damm Gays, where there is a one child per family rule fairly strictly enforced (except in the farming districts where they need additional hands for helping in the fields). Which leads to the killing and or abandoning of lots of female babies which results in a mostly male population kinda seems like it may produce lots of those damm Gays!!!
Bob
Little people with little minds!
Random Rashes
It seems to me in the first photo that they’re in fisting class, but the technique leaves much to be desired.
:)
Hopefully this leads to a homofascist utopia.
Also, the fist logo with “hope 5” written in it was taken from a hacker convention held in 2004.
Jerrold
Are we prepared for the dude world order? Seriously?
We ARE the Dude World Order.
On the serious side of things, I think that it is no surprise China thinks this way (that is in no way a knock on the Chinese people, who I respect, but a statement about the government in China). Intellectual isolation creates voids in logic. If A=B whatever C is should equal D?
ossurworld
Prepare for a generation of tough-guy leather queers.
Diya
James in MTL – what do you expect from Queerty writers? They’re failed journalists who couldn’t get real media jobs and thus spend their days providing bitchy commentary on news items. Their sarcasm isn’t even funny.
Working at a gay blog is like being transferred to Siberia.
hephaestion
This reminds me of when I was growing up in 1950’s Georgia and we were forced to read from the Bible and pray every morning…
Naturally ALL the kids mocked the religious crap and threw spit balls throughout it. Actually that’s not true: ONE child dutifully stayed quiet and listened to the prayer & Bible recitation. That one child was me, who turned out to become gay and anti-religious.
Sometimes kids do the opposite of what they’re taught. Could that happen in China?
Jimmi
FAIL. Wow! You guys know nothing about Chinese Culture and boy, does it show! You might want to read about Modern China before you speak at length on it.
Dan
China is full of cowards – 1.225 BILLION people let the communist party (which numbers only 75 million) to control them – a BILLION+ cringing and bowing to 75 million. That BILLION+ cannot even stand up for their own human rights. That is pathetically sad and disturbing.
:)
Dude World Order.
We shall rewrite history, history filled and debased with your heterosexual lies and distortions. We shall portray the homosexuality of the great leaders and thinkers who have shaped the world. We will demonstrate that homosexuality and intelligence and imagination are inextricably linked, and that homosexuality is a requirement for true nobility, true beauty in a man.
We shall be victorious because we are fueled with the ferocious bitterness of the oppressed who have been forced to play seemingly bit parts in your dumb, heterosexual shows throughout the ages. We too are capable of firing guns and manning the barricades of the ultimate revolution.
Tremble, hetero swine, when we appear before you without our masks
jason
They can put on tough faces but it ain’t gonna grow your dicks bigger.
jason
The average dick size of a Chinese man is laughable. I wouldn’t bother wasting my time.
jeffree
Wow, Jason. More overt racism? Are you a glutton 4 punishment?
You need to consult with your physician about your Asperger’s syndrome — part of the spectrum of austism.
Google that, get some help, & save us from your ignorant rants.
Xie xie, = Thanks
jason
Why on earth should I be kind to the Chinese? The Chinese have a homophobic culture, and have been known to execute gay men. Learn to recognize homophobic cultures when you see them.
If you wish to cuddle up to these creeps, feel free to do so. I want nothing to do with them. I’m not going to put cultural correctness before the rights of individuals.
Jimmi
@jason: America has a homophobic culture, too, in case you failed to notice. The mere mentioning of Gays Getting Married is enough to put a Republican in an elected office. They kill gays too in the US–Matthew Sheppard, ‘memba him?
James_From_The_Great_City_of_Cambridge
Asshole Jason strikes again. Asshole Jason attacks Blacks as a race in every other thread here, now the Chinese…but not Whites. A true racist piece of shit. Who in God’s name connected Asshole Jason’s trailer park to the internet so that he could spew his racist bile all over Queerty??
James M. Martin
The most repressive regimes are often the last to admit that a significant portion of their population is gay, lesbian, or transgender. For years, however, China has tried to limit its population by a carrot and stick approach to reproductive rights, and their statistics may show that there are too many girl children and not enough or barely enough boys. If the boy goes gay, there goes the population. (Yes, I know, a curious approach in our era of test-tube babies, but eugenics may be a part of their plan as well.) This may explain the “all male” indoctrination these boys are undergoing. That doesn’t make it right.
drums
Putting a bunch of boys together in a small room and encouraging them to pump up the testosterone sounds like a rather counter-productive way of preventing The Gay.
Also, @JASON, I’m Chinese and not at all homophobic. Have I just blown your tiny worldview apart?
Ephram
Jason, I think you should tuck your racism back in. It’s showing, and it’s ugly. On second thought, just go home. You have the right to spew your shit but we have the right to really call you out on it.
Luckily there are way more people who are open-minded, treat people equally and fairly, and don’t judge people by their race or ethnicity.
I hope you change, for your own sake.
Ephram
Racist stereotypes cloaked in sarcasm + laughs is…stil racism.
Queerty, I love you but I didn’t think you’d sink this low.
I’m hoping you don’t pull out this racist-tinged story stuff again.
How would it play if you mocked blacks with all the stereotypes that exist about them?
Dan
China is still full of cowards. Even if Chinese censors try to block all negative comments about China.
James in MTL
@Dan
Have you ever even BEEN to China? Well I am here as we speak, and I’ll grant that though there are a lot of problems here (no more than in the US) cowardice is not among them. Even if there is oppression of personal rights, since when do we in the queer community blame the OPPRESSED for the oppression?
zack
It’s understandable that comments might have misspellings, but shouldn’t a site like Queerty be able to print a headline without errors?
“5 Ways China’s ‘No-Sissies’ Elementary School Could Awesomize The World!!!1!”
1) “Amesomize” is not a word. Even a crappy blog like this one should know that.
2) A single exclamation point is all that is necessary. Additionally exclamation points are redundent and only lead to errors like what we see here: failing to hold down the “shift” key means readers see the number one.
Given that my word processor and my email program does a spell-check before anyone sees my writing, shouldn’t we expect a website like Queerty to do the same before publishing anything?
ossurworld
That class looks like it is 100% sissies.
Jake
This is satire, and it’s about the government & culture as a whole, not the people themselves. Most of you are missing the point. At most it’s xenophobia, not racism, and let’s face it; China is among the most xenophobic civilizations in History.
And before you start shouting in your unintelligble defense of your almighty god Political Correctness; I’m not prejudiced. I think the whole fucking world sucks. I criticize everyone equally.
Brian Roberts
I thought this website was very interesting and a great way to keep up with gay news. I was checking it like every day. I thought a lot of the commentary was humorous and tasteful until….
What the fuck?
I’m not even Chinese or Asian and my mouth just drops at this in astoundment. Someone actually labored to produce this racist piece of crap and post it online. This article revels in slanted representation of the Chinese culture (although most of the things touted in such a way have nothing to do with the culture of China) and if were to use the marginalizing and distasteful mannerisms of this article to describe gays it would look like this.
“So once again, this year at Pridefest, we’ll be oggling a bunch of sweaty wannabe gigolos and face-painted drag queens sashaying down the street in thongs and glitter, hoping to melt the hearts of the Christians enough to earn themselves the right to fuck in public. Because that’s what those limp wristed queens rightly deserve, simply the freedom to HAVE SEX EVERYWHERE- IN. THE. BUTT. HOLE. But of course it all looks a lot more fantabulous at Pride, because of the massive inclusion of sparkles and feathers decorating their otherwise mostly naked bodies.”
This type of rhetoric is hurtful. It’s not funny. I guess SOME people think that the Chinese are either a.) too lame to notice when such offensive things are being said about them or b.) endowed with a “good” enough sense of humor to enjoy being downright mocked. If that’s a trait to admire, I should definitely encourage more of my friends to call me a fag, I guess.