If this month’s election has you cowering under the covers in the fetal position because your great president is being replaced by Tweeting bigot, no doubt the impending other national day of celebration probably has you spooked too. No, not Black Friday…though we are making notes on the best online deals. Thanksgiving comes this week, which brings plenty of turkey, pumpkin pie and family time. But what to do about those pesky, moronic relatives that voted for Trump?
Never fear, Queerty is here!
Employ one or any of these Thanksgiving survival tips to get through this year’s dinner…
Remind the family of your favorite happy Thanksgiving memories. Tell stories about being a good kid and making those “turkeys” out of gumdrops and apples, or when your Trump-voting relative somehow managed to burn the turkey and ruin the holiday. It’s a good subtle way to establish that Trump voters are incompetent boobs regardless of who’s on the ballot.
2. Show Some Gratitude
Instead of talking politics, talk about all the things you’re grateful for. Mention you’re awesome LGBTQ friends, your hot girlfriend or boyfriend, your right to marry, your favorite websites like Queerty which offer advice and counseling for dealing with bigots on national holidays, or just be thankful for your health. Also, remind your Trumpian elders that Trump supporters skewed older and whiter than the rest of the population and this temporary majority should enjoy it while it last because they will die off before too long, leaving the country and world to the Obama Rainbow Coalition.
3. Offer to Carve
Make yourself useful in the kitchen by offering to carve up the turkey yourself. This will give you an important leadership role at Thanksgiving dinner, not to mention access to sharp objects, including the electronic carving knife. Anyone somebody tries to bring up politics, just rev up the knife in their direction. Threat of losing a finger will, no doubt, steer the conversation in another direction.
4. Go all Color Purple
There’s actually a great precedent for brandishing a carving knife. If you’ve not seen The Color Purple, you’re missing out. Not only is it one of the great movies, loaded with incredible performances and a story that will have most viewers in sobs, it also has one of the best dinner scenes ever. If the talk turns to Trump, and refuses to stop, pull a Whoopi, grab the carving knife, and tell all your Trump-voting relatives just exactly how you feel. Placing a curse on said relatives is strictly optional. After dinner invite the whole family for a viewing of the movie.
5. Have another glass of wine
When in doubt, let the vino flow! Pour another glass, call your friends, or just open up Grindr. There’s nothing like family chit chat to make you treasure your flaky Grindr guys nearby. It’s a good way to distract yourself, and who knows, maybe you’ll get some gravy out of it too…white meat or dark…because we cherish the beauty of diversity, even if your relatives don’t.