Love is a battlefield

This 57-year-old gay man says he only fancies young straight guys, wonders why he can’t find love

A 57-year-old U.K. man says he’s never been in a serious relationship, and it’s really starting to bum him out.

“I always longed for a faithful, lifelong partner,” he writes in a new advice-seeking post published by the Guardian.

There’s just one teensy, tiny problem.

“I’m only attracted to young men, roughly 18-35,” the man says. And, he adds, since “younger men get older … how could there be any future in it?”

It does sound like a bit of a conundrum. Isn’t aging such a drag?

Related: An Open Letter To Ageist Gay Men

But that’s not the only issue. The man says he’s also not really into gay men. He only likes straight or bisexual guys.

“I find most gay men a turn-off,” he explains. “I’ve spent my life as the third person in a series of triangles. I fall for him, he falls for her. Some of those triangles have stood the test of time. But I’m still waiting for that one encounter that doesn’t end up with me getting crowded out.”

Hmmm. Didn’t Albert Einstein say the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

The man continues, “Friends tell me: ‘Be realistic, find a guy of your own age.’ Why do so few seem to realize that age is as much an orientation as gender is? I can’t begin to imagine falling for a guy of my own age.”

For once, we’re at a complete loss for words. We don’t know what to tell this guy. Do you? Share any words of advice in the comments section below…

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78 Comments

  • whatsaywhat

    Pay out and get some therapy.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    Advice: he should spend all his money on the lottery and at casinos. That’s his only hope!

    Seriously – doesn’t he have ANY non-sexual friends? Some people should just give up on the relationship thing.

  • BigG

    He needs therapy as do many other gay men. This is common in our community. Unrealistic expectations and self loathing. Their mind is stuck in a fantasy world. I know too many gay men who are older and single because They refuse to be with someone around their own age or they have this Disney prince fantasy. Really hope they get therapy or they will die alone

    • Brian

      Yep, I remember this kind of stuff vividly from my cruising days. Guys would, and probably still do, spend hours turning their nose up at everyone around them instead of just getting their rocks off and going home. It’s fine to have standards, but when you’re skulking around in the bushes or hanging out at a urinal, maybe it’s time to lower them to accomplish your goal. Odds are pretty good that Zac Efron isn’t gonna be among those making the rounds, so just work with what you have.

    • ChrisK

      @Brian
      I’m 50 and work out and generally take really good care of my body. The problem is unless you take steps to keep yourself physically fit you will start deteriorating. 50 is the age all your bad habits will catch up to you. Like George Orwell said. At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.

      Now I look around and most of my peers fit that category so it really limits my choices. I can’t imagine how the 60’s decade will look.

    • Brian

      Your choices are only limited because you’re limiting them. I’m 48 and I know plenty of guys in my age group that are pretty good catches, even if they have a belly or a 48 year old face. If all you’re interested in is a hot bod, then yeah, the pickins are gonna be slim among guys in their 50s. It’s pretty sad that at the age of 50 that’s still your highest priority.

    • ChrisK

      @Brian
      Did I say I only wanted a hot bod? I just don’t want someone that’s let themselves go or at least taken step to avoid it. Yeah, I have standards as most do. Big woop. Clearly this has struck a raw nerve with you.

  • pjcomeau

    You pay them. Young straight men will go gay for the right price. You have to be one helluva Sugar Daddy though. Then when they age to an unusable age, you trade him in. Problems solved.

    • Donston

      Yup. That’s the route for many, many older (and actually not so older) self-loathing gay men obsessed with straight-seeming/straight identifying guys. And yes, a decent amount of the guys they hook do have hetero orientations. Some hetero men are just as fvcked up and narcissistic as many gay men and enjoy sexually dominating guys sometimes/being sexually dominated by men on occasion. But unlike gay men who primarily have sex and relationships with women there isn’t a long-running social and ego upside to the affairs unless money is involved. So, start saving your coins.

    • ErikO

      If they have sex with men they’re not straight/hetero at all; but there are a lot of queens like you who need that fantasy that the bisexual or gay man they’re having sex with is actually somehow hetero/straight.

    • Donston

      Here you again. Didn’t I already explain sexual orientation to you? You can look it up if you like. Hasn’t it been made abundantly clear that many people have sex with genders they’re not attracted to? Why is that so hard for you to comprehend? It’s actually basic queens like you who don’t understand sexuality at all and naively think that people can’t have sex outside of their inherent attractions. Yet, here you still are continuing to push this trope.

      But yes, this “I hooked up with a straight guy” fantasy is nauseating and frequently inaccurate.

    • Donston

      Furthermore, only the uneducated, a self-hating closet case or someone pretending to be bi/fluid/queer etc actually thinks sexual behavior equate to orientation. Anyone in the knows about sexuality, psychology and sociology knows better. And legit bi people actually get offended when people assume it’s all the same.

  • Crystix

    This is the saddest part of closet culture. Because the mainstream forced these men into the closet most of their lives, they’ve become stunted relationship wise. Since they never had the chance to satisfy their desires while they were young, they are stuck in permanent limbo – craving the intimacy of their youth they were never allowed to have. And without that foundation to build on, they never allow themselves to mature and move on.

    I feel for these men. This is the biggest travesty committed against our community, stealing the very foundation of building a happy and successful life because we’re forced into hiding and not permitted to grow as people. Hopefully he’ll get lucky and find a boy with equal baggage and live happily ever after.

    • jkb

      Interesting perspective. Thanks for posting

    • Donston

      I definitely think this is a piece to the puzzle.

    • DavidIntl

      This is an insightful analysis of the situation, and resonates with my personal experience. I too am of the transitional generation which spent many years in the closet, and so I am now, in light of the changed world, in a sense trying to make up for lost time – and lost experiences – with a younger partner. And like many others, I do tend to be more attracted to guys who are not necessarily straight or bi, but not effeminate. I am gay because I am attracted to masculinity – not a caricature of masculinity, or even a heightened, muscly form of it, but typical masculinity – the stereotypical innocent boy next door who mows your lawn. That certainly can be hard to find in a bottom or bottom/vers guy who is attracted to older men. The difference that I see between myself and some others is that, after much soul-searching, I do believe that my taste in guys will mature over time, and my appreciation for my partner will not diminish as he himself becomes a middle-aged gay man in the future.

    • Donston

      Why do people say things like they’re gay because they’re attracted to masculinity? That’s never been the definition of homosexuality. Being a male homo just means that your inherent and instinctual orientation is sexual to men (or in some cases almost only sexually attracted) to men. Yes, there are quite a few gay guys who prefer their dudes fem. The few guys I dated before getting married ranged decently in age and in femininity to masculinity.

    • DavidIntl

      Donston, my comment was perhaps a bit inelegantly phrased, and certainly I mean absolutely no disrespect to effeminate guys, or the men who love them. It is simply a matter of personal, instinctive, visceral, attraction. In my case, the masculinity element is definitely part of the attraction. Case in point – I am mostly gay, certainly, but the women who I find attractive tend to be very masculine women.

    • Donston

      Attraction to masculinity or femininity isn’t standard hetero or homo. Specifically, you’re an andro-sexual that leans greatly towards homosexuality.

      I’ve found some masculine lesbians vaguely attractive sometimes. But the lack of penis and general woman stuff just kills it. I’d probably rather just had continued having sex with “typical women”.

      I’ve never cared too much about age (so long as they weren’t jail-bait or a few years post jail-bait), masculinity, femininity, race, size. If a guy has some cute factor and an appealing personality I’ve been instantly attracted. Though I am surprised I ended up marrying the type of guy I did.

  • ChrisK

    Not cute using a 70 somethings photo Graham. 57 does not look that old. That or he’s had a very hard life.

    I know plenty of guys like that. Most of the times these guys just end up lonely because it doesn’t work. The relationship consists of he’s there for $ and you’re desperate to justify it as love. Chasing after young straight guys is a whole other level of f*cked up. I thought most get over that stage when they grew up. Apparently not.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      A lot of 57 year olds look that old, IF they’ve smoked 2 or 3 packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years.

      And unfortunately, among gay men that’s extremely common! The smoking rate for gay men is over twice as high as for straight men.

    • Cinesnatch

      It’s not him, but a shutter stock photo of a distinguished looking man who is obviously in his 70s and looks good for his age. But, to Queerty, this is probably what they think 57 looks like. That’s on them.

    • stevetalbert

      Lol. I am 60. I was also thinking he looked like a big smoker of 57 in palm springs. The smoke, dry heat, and alcohol can make someone look like that in their late 40s

    • ChrisK

      @stevetalbert
      Yep. The smoking and sun worshipping (minus the sunblock) generation. Throw in a past life of drugs and that could easily just be a 57 yo.

  • Donston

    Reminds me of my gay friend who eventually started having sex primarily with trans women and eventually married a trans woman, not because of genuine attraction to trans women but because he only wanted to be with super-hot, “straight identifying” men. Committing to and worshiping a trans woman hurt his ego quite a bit less than committing to another gay man.

    When you grow up feeling ashamed of who you are and keeping it secret and especially if you mostly have sex and relationships with the gender you’re not attracted to- it all can really twist and damage your sense of self.

    This type of self-loathing, hetero-worshiping, youth-worshiping nonsense is pretty typical among homo men. There are so many things that are common in our “community” that we so rarely talk about. If he were thirty years younger today he’d just say he’s fluid and have relationships primarily with women while having sex with guys on the side like so many of these types of guys.

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    So many psychology experts here selflessly sharing the fruits of their extensive indepth studies backed up by statistics and shit <_<

    • Donston

      I have stats actually. But no, backed up by life experience. People try to put a blind eye to the many issues in out “community”.

    • Donston

      Also, anyone looking to have persistent sex and relationships with genders they’re not attracted to or anyone who is looking to have sex and relationships with people they hope aren’t attracted to them has an issue. PHD unnecessary, just common sense.

    • Notright

      Haha1

  • CanadianGuy62

    I feel for the guy. I’m 54, though look about 45, and am attracted to young guys…I always have been…older guys never did it for me.

    I’m currently seeing a 24-year old ESL student from Brazil. The age is no barrier…if anything, language is the only difficulty (and we’re each working on that).

    He’s not out for a sugar daddy (I wouldn’t even qualify as a Sweet & Low daddy) pays his own way and lives on his own. He’s a beautiful guy inside and out and his attraction is genuine.

    I sometimes feel foolish about it, but it is what it is. We both really like each other and the passion is (at this point, at least) boundless.

    I wish this guy well.

    • Donston

      But you’re clearly not going after straight-identifying men/men who wish to live the “straight life”. Your’s is just a preference.

      Although, the persistent daddy-son relationships are starting to become tiresome.

    • ChrisK

      Ha. At least with the guy in the article he realizes it’s f*cked up but you’re just out there flying your peter pan freak flag high and proud.

    • Donston

      No need to be that judgmental. Like I said, at least he’s not going after heteros. And straight men can be into younger women (though they as well get judgment). However, if someone is looking for something substantial I just don’t get getting together with someone where the age difference is that large.

      The whole daddy-son fetish just always seemed borderline perverted to me. There does seem to frequently be a levels of internalized homophobia, narcissism and fetish on both sides in these types of relationships however.

    • CanadianGuy62

      Donston,

      You’re right about the straight guy thing; straight guys don’t do anything for me. And thank you for coming to my defense…not sure why ChrisK had to jump into the judgemental end of the pool head-first, but those types are always out there.

      My (much younger) guy and I just had a great weekend together working on something, shared a lot of laughs and lots of excellent food, and are just letting the chips fall where they may.

      I’m not stupid…I know that the odds are against this lasting (due to his age and plans to return to his home country when he finishes school) but we’re both very aware of these factors and are in this with our eyes wide open.

      Common sense tells me that someone +/- five years of my age would be ideal (common interests, retirement plans, etc.) but, so far at least, we’re each enjoying it immensely and are each very happy.

    • Kenny C

      I honestly don’t care what other people do to judge, as long as your not taking advantage of or exploiting youth. Or conversely, being taken for a ride because of desperation. But you have to admit ChrisK’s peter pan reference is freaking hilarious. You should be honest with yourself and laugh because with humor is there and you know. Otherwise, you expose yourself. As I learned a long time ago, when you throw a rock into a pack of dogs (i.e. most message boards) the hit one will holla. But, I sincerely wish you Good luck.

  • kurt_t

    Well, I’m 56, and I look every millisecond of it, and I’m not interested in hooking up with younger guys, but if I were, I think I would explore the BDSM community. Not because I have any particular interest in BDSM, but I’ve always had the impression that that particular demimonde seems to include a lot of young guys who have an interest in mature gentlemen. I guess it does require a certain level of commitment, however, if you’re going to go that route. I would definitely have to dust off my Sweatin’ to the Oldies DVDs and lay off the Alfredo sauce for a few weeks before I’d feel comfortable showing up at a Sunday afternoon beer bust in buttless chaps.

  • captainburrito

    I used to think I would only like young guys but as I aged I now look at guys who are significantly younger than me as little brothers.

    He could have better spent his time obtaining wealth and just buying a husband for a set duration and then getting a new model when they outaged his criteria.

  • Uppity

    This is very common. Among my middle-aged gay male friends, almost all are fixated on much younger, “straight” guys. They trawl for them online and if they snag one, the sex is invariably one sided, usually involving the old guy being permitted to do no more than blow the young one, who then awkwardly leaves immediately after orgasm. A couple of my friends have young fvckbuddies but it’s wholly on the younger guys’ terms, and the older guys actually believe they’re in some kind of relationship with the young ones even though they don’t know their real name, where they live, whether they’re married etc. This behaviour is not some kind of anomaly, it’s really widespread and there are a number of reasons for it. Some older guys are afraid of intimacy so they choose partners with whom there is no prospect of a genuine relationship. Others never had an adolescence which involved dating and falling in love, and so are forever trying to recapture it with someone younger. Generally, the only older-younger relationships I’ve ever seen work are when the older guy has a lot of money. So, pretty much the same syndrome as in the straight world.

    • ChrisK

      Wow. I think we have the same friends. Lol I love them but I thank god I’m not hopelessly obsessed with guys where it’s completely one sided like that which is generally the rule. If the guy throws them a bone like he likes their ass it sets them on fire and I’ll never hear the end of it.

    • ChrisK

      I shouldn’t even say generally. From what I’ve seen (and it’s allot) your description fits 99% of the time no matter what the daddies say.

  • He BGB

    ……and then there’s alot to be said for celibacy.

    If you don’t like gay guys, then you probably don’t like yourself. Time for professional help. I can see where he may not be attracted to a flaming queen but what if the guy never said he was gay or straight, does he ask him to just to be sure he’s straight so he will allow himself to be attracted?

  • Chris

    He’s from the closeted generation. Luckily, we’re all dying out; and hopefully, things like this will become old gays’ tales used to frighten the younger generation into working out and quitting smoking.

    • Kangol

      Uh, no. If he’s 57, he was born in 1960. Gay people started to come in large numbers in the 1970s and 1980s, so he’d have been in his 20s during the AIDS crisis, and 30s in the 1990s. Countless LGBTQ people in their 50s and 60s are out. And proud. So no, he’s not from the “closeted generation,” he clearly has issues around ageism, sexual orientation, and self-esteem that a professional could help him with, if he were willing to get the help (and Britain’s National Health Service would help him pay for it).

  • Jack Meoff

    Doesn’t this guy see the catch 22 situation he has created for himself. He only wants straight identifying guys yet he wants a committed relationship. By his logic if a guy committed to him he would no longer be straight identifying and so therefor would lose his appeal. If he was able to get one of these guys to commit to him he would be turning the guy into the very thing he is not attracted to and would end up dumping him and continuing his chase until the next one.

    • Donston

      I’m pretty certain there are a decent number of men with hetero orientations that have had years-long gay relationships. But they will eventually get over it, especially if they’re younger. And I know he’s not expecting them to be monogamous. Though he’d probably want the guy to continue having sex with women to continue to prove that he’s straight and craves women and hope that he doesn’t develop feelings for the women he fvcks. Could you imagine if the dude he was dating was inherently homo and had to hook up with women just to continue to prove his straight-ness to his gay partner? The whole thing is just a mess.

    • ErikO

      @Donston they can identify as hetero/straight all they want but everyone knows they’re bisexual or even gay.

    • Donston

      Actually, you’re the only one who knows that since hardly anyone here is in agreement with that perspective. The ironic thing is that more gay men have a “bi-guy” fetish than a “straight guy” fetish. It’s also ironic that you have accused me of being hypocritical. Yet, your refusal to understand sexual orientation is far more hypocritical and closed-minded than anything I’ve said. Your idea of bisexuality is far more ignorant and demeaning towards legit bisexual people.

  • Kris

    I totally get it… that’s how my gaydar works … if I’m attracted to them , I know they must be straight… sad but true … and yes I’m single @ 50 …

  • fur_hunter

    My mother has always said that there is an idiot born every minute. Well, folks! Here is a 57-year-old IDIOT!

  • Doughosier

    You can have that if you’re rich but you’re a good candidate to be murdered. Really. Look at almost any case of older gay men killed by younger men and you find a desperate straight guy.

  • barkomatic

    Older and younger guys together are fine. You gotta take love where you find it.

    His problem is that he knows he’ll dispose of them once they get too old for him which is an unacceptable way to treat someone who loves you.

    The only solution I see is for him is to be single and try to get his companionship from friends. That’s not ideal, but at least it’s stable.

  • Prax07

    The trouble with dating a straight or bi guy is no matter what they tell you when alone with you is that whatever female is in their life, be it wife, girlfriend, even estranged female partner, they Always come first. No matter the age of the guy, the female in his life will Always matter more. I’ve learned this over time.
    And I don’t go looking for bi guys to become involved with, I’d prefer a gay man for a relationship, but the only guys I seem to meet are newly bi guys. Never works out, but they are fun in bed.

    • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

      ANACDOTAL and simplistic af. There are many varieties of bisexual memn including ones who overall prefer men. You can’t generalise. But y’all can’t help yourselves

    • Donston

      When Prax talks about “bi-guys” he’s mostly talking about guys on the DL, which is a whole different breed. He seems to have had a bunch of affairs with guys on the DL, which has made him bitter.

      I’ve said that most men who identify as bi/fluid/queer/flexible or indulges bi-behavior usually have a homo or hetero orientation and the sex and/or relationships with at least one of the genders they engage with is typically more about engaging their fetishes, egos and/or narcissism than engaging their orientation. It’s also true that the majority of men who identify as something other than homo and stick to that identity for years primarily date women. That’s not generalized. That’s factual.

      But yes, the majority of men Prax is talking about are guys on the DL, not men who publicly identify as bisexual.

    • ErikO

      Awwwwwwww the troll Prax07 is writing about how a bisexual man hurt his feelings, Dude nobody cares about your ex or how you can’t move on from him years or even decades later. PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID is correct about bisexuality and bisexual men.

  • Donald Dork

    Young straight guys aren’t interested in your crinkly old ass. Deal with it

    • Kangol

      Some probably are, most probably aren’t. Unless you’re paying for them.

    • oz1967

      I am a 50 year old who likes to date in his own age bracket and it seems older men do not like anything over 40 be they str8 or gay, it ridiculous and sad. My personal rule for dating is if you don’t know who made “video killed the radio star” and what year it was released I have no point of reference.

  • cabe

    The part about an older man seeking out younger companions is problematic in both the straight and gay populations and the age gap hardly ever lends itself to a true relationship of equals. The part about dating just straight guys is just pathetic.

    • Donston

      They often don’t want equals. They want fantasy/people that will make them feel better about themselves/people to control.

  • Kenneth

    This guy is a perfect example of someone who thinks that life/fate/destiny owes him his idea of the ultimate sexual experience. And…and…if we’re being honest, rather late in life. Unless he changes or evolves into a more enlightened person, I fear he’ll be frustrated with the rest fo his life.

    • Donston

      It seems like almost 50% of gay men are extremely specific about the type of guy they want. And there’s no reason to be. It’s not that difficult to find a masculine gay man. It’s not that difficult to find a good-looking guy in their 30s/40s/50s. You hear/read homos saying the most ridiculous, self-hating sh*t: “I’m a real man and real men only have sex with effeminate guys”, “I don’t want to be with an old queen”, “straight men are more fun and easy-going than gays so I want to be with them”, “I only top because I’m a real man”.

      We grow up in a hetero-centric, masculine worshiping society and are brought up to hate/reject our inherent selves, so it’s not that much of a surprise that the “I only want to be with straight guys” thing still persists and why many try to fit some form of hetero-normalcy or dynamics into their “gay lifestyle”.

  • lelandjr

    Maybe they don’t like the smell of Gold Bond.

    • GayEGO

      How about James Bond? :>)

  • GayEGO

    Are we talking about a loving relationship or just sex. I found a gay man that I have been with for 55 years and have been married for almost 13 years. My husband matches any straight guy as a man so I am very happy. We have friends that have relationships where one is 20/30 years older, one was actually 40 years older. My husband is 10 years older than me and we know a gay couple that have been together 53 years that finally got married last year. One of them is 13 or 14 years older than the other.

    Perhaps this guy needs to look for a man that he is not just sexually attracted to, but one that he has deeper feelings for and has some common interests with him.

    • Donston

      I think he knows what he should be looking for, but he wants a young straight man that will commit to him and love him. His delusion and self-hate runs too deep for basic common sense approaches. A lot of these men aren’t looking for deeper feelings. They’re looking for fantasy, which is why they remain alone.

    • ChrisK

      13/14/20 is doable and most won’t bat an eye. 30/40 is a fetish. He likes em really young … he likes em really old.

  • Raul

    I’m 55yo and my husband is 39yo and it’s possible to have a good relationship with age difference. This guy have several issues that stop him for developing a normal and healthy life. The str8 chasing thing is always going to be a problem He needs some therapy.

    • Donston

      I don’t think anyone has been critical of general age differences. It’s these 40+ years old guys looking for dudes in their mid 20’s or younger that stands out. But yes, this guy’s problems far extend liking younger men.

    • Donston

      Quite spamming.

  • ErikO

    This guy could without effort find a single bisexual or gay man his age or around his age to have as a partner, why doesn’t he do this?

  • Herman75

    I’d like to hear what he thinks a relationship is.

    And if gay men are a turn off does that mean he has no gay friends? Sounds like a lonely approach to life.

  • Josh447

    Finally. Problem solved. Good going Watson.

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