It’s hard out there for: pimps, homosexuals. So we understand why many gay men lie about certain things — to their friends, their parents, prospective one-night stands. But over the years, we’ve noticed gay men keep lying about the same things. Some of these fibs are the same ones you might hear a straight man say. Others are specific to The Homosexual Male species. Not so surprisingly, many of them have to do with getting naked.
Whether they’re willing to bottom.
“Strict top” is the biggest lie we’ve ever heard. Gay men are built to enjoy a little prostate massaging, no matter how masculine they are, brah. Refusing to bottom, or claiming that you never have, doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy spreading it. It just means you have an Adonis complex and you need to get over that shit right now.
Whether they like Madonna.
The Material Girl’s biggest fans might play down their obsession when in mixed company, whether because screaming your admiration for an aging pop star just seems sad, or because being Madonna’s biggest fan is the biggest gay cliche. Interesting, however, that even some gays who don’t like Madonna find themselves lying in this situation. The homos who really can’t stand her — or at least nothing since Blonde Ambition — sometimes fake it just to fit in, particularly if the whole gang is going to see her perform and they don’t want to be left out of an excuse to drink in public in a stadium full of possible hook ups.
Whether they hook up on the first date.
They do. Everyone does, or has. And every gay man is willing to hook up on the first date, if the situation is right. For some, there must be enough serious chemistry — both physical and emotional — to invite a first date upstairs for … a cup of coffee. But the worst breed of I Do Not Hook Up-ers are the ones who deliver this line with a straight face, every single Saturday night, at the same tired dance club, and without fail bring someone home each time. Declaring you don’t hook up on the first date is an admission you do exactly that.
Whether they’ve ever cruised the net (or Grindr) for sex.
Similar to the above. For whatever reason, there is still a stigma attached to meeting men via technological advancements. Which is why two dudes who’ve been together for five years might be just as unwilling to admit they met on MySpace (remember that?) as two guys who just finished a major “body contact + j/o” session. Because going online to shop for men either screams “desperate” or “trolling for sex,” of which we are, uh, certain you are neither.
Their waist size.
Outside the bear camp, thin is in. You know that Seinfeld episode where Jerry is accused of crossing out “32” and writing “31” on his jeans tag? We’ve witnessed that in real life. Because, of course, the guy you’re going to bed with is going to inspect the inside of your pant as he disrobes you. And so men, whether posting an online profile or consulting a nutritionist, will lie about how much they’re packing around the middle. It’s mostly an innocent lie, but c’mon, own your gut.
Their penis size.
Self-explanatory, but we’ll add this: Even excruciatingly well-endowed men will lie about their length and girth. But they will lie downwards, because they’ve scared off one too many mates with a reputation of having an enormous member. So they’ll say it’s “average.” For donkeys.