Spring may have just started, but who are we kidding? It’s just the opening act. Summer is the real star of this production called Life! To get you in a buoyant mood, we’re offering some friendly tips on purchasing bathing suits so that when you’re ready to jump into the deep end and make a sartorial splash, you’ll swim, not sink.
Check out Queerty’s 7 Swimsuit Do’s and Don’ts!
The Board Short
Do: wear if you’re tall and have more legs than a bucket of chicken.
Don’t: wear if you’re short, lest everyone thinks you’re trying to make palazzo pants for men happen.
Do: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching medals in London.
Don’t: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching crumbs out of your loose jowl skin.
Do: wear if it doesn’t matter ’cause we can see your abs anyway.
Don’t: wear if you’re denying women the right to vote.
Try: (Best to try a vintage store, but if all else fails) $17.99, sketchy eBay store in China
Do: wear if you’re “average” height, i.e. somewhere between pocket gay and giant. Really, you can’t go wrong with a mid-thigh trunk, it’s like the male swimsuit version of the little black dress.
Don’t: however, try to pass it off at a cocktail party — you know how the children are.
Try: Brioni Mid-Length Houndstooth Check Swim Shorts, $395, Mr. Porter
Do: wear if you’re the aforementioned pocket gay (it elongates the gams) OR your legs look like they can, and have, choked out a bear — of either the forest or Scruff variety.
Don’t: wear if you’re Jon Hamm trying to avoid a wardrobe malfunction.
Try: 2″ Angeleno Print Swim Trunk – Goa Flame, $125, Parke & Ronen
Do: wear if you’re an international man of mystery.
Don’t: wear the knee-length version unless you want to spend the afternoon racing a bunch of d-bags who think they’re better swimmers than you.
Do: wear whatever you choose to wear with confidence.
Don’t: be a dick about it. No one likes a show-off — unless it’s tastefully done, as in a roadside motel room or gas station lavatory. Happy swimmin’!
sanfranca1
(#5) Brioni Mid-Length Houndstooth Check Swim Shorts, $395. Seriously…$395??? Ridiculous.
PatrickStone
Well I have to say I was very happy to see slide number 7 – wear whatever the hell you want with confidence!! Matching body types to required swimwear styles is demeaning and downright stupid. If you don’t like it, don’t wear it….
kurt_t
Caftan it is.
Shadeaux
Love #7
Bozen
The writer of this article is an idiot. The only people who have the money for $50-plus bathing suits are either inherently selfish or far-removed from today’s working class. In either case, both are off putting.
Charlie in Charge
@Bozen: Here you go: http://www.kmart.com/clothing-men-s-swimwear/s-24254?keyword=mens+swimsuits&autoRedirect=true&viewItems=50&redirectType=CAT_REC
Derek Williams
Tom Daley Speedo rocks!
MikeE
@Derek Williams: that’s so small it’s no longer even a speedo.. it’s just a spe
demetri.last
Hot, but Lame! I was hoping to see the guy in the lime green thong bikini!
Bozen
@Charlie in Charge: @Charlie in Charge: I prefer target yo ;p
BiL
I love how an advertisement for men’s swim wear is passed off as an actual news article.
Dixie Rect
At this point in life, if you don’t know what looks good on you, than you are completely hopeless.
TinoTurner
My $7 regular, plain navy blue Target bathing suit turns heads…
hotshot70
You can buy decent swimsuits for low prices. The main idea is you are to SWIM in it. I hate these vain men and women who will spend big $$$ in a suit, then get angry if someone splashes them! Better deal, go to a nude beach or your own private area and be naked!
DOFEK
The Speedo! for sure. Come sit on my face HOMIE: AdamHomo
DOFEK
Fourteen for sure!!. AdamHomo
Vince Smetana
Bucket of chicken? Really?
tdx3fan
@Bozen: I am more than capable of dropping that money on a bathing suit if I really wanted to. I have an amazing husband, and I have no actual bills, so every cent I do make goes directly to what I want, and I also have a credit card with a high limit that he pays the bill on. However, I would never be able to bring myself to actually drop that coin on fabric. I can think of such better uses for that money, and I would much rather buy a $20 bathing suit and give $300+ to charity!
Bozen
@tdx3fan: You just reinforced my point(s). Thanks!
Stache1
@tdx3fan: Ahhhh…daddies little princess.