After live blogging the first episode of
Flop Queens on Crank The A-List: New York I felt ambivalent. Yes, the show is a guilty pleasure of the love-to-hate variety and we all delight in seeing ourselves represented on-screen, even if it is in an over-commercialized, soul-deadening minstrel show.
But it took Andrew Sullivan to articulate why The A-List might hurt gays more than it helps: “The idea that this represents gay life in any conceivable fashion is preposterous; the idea that some might mistake it as such, in these times, dangerous.” Sully’s known for being a self-important drip, but might the weed-smoking polito-queen be right? Let’s watch and see.
8:53 PM CST – For those of you who “missed” the first episode, here’s a quick recap: six aging queens drink and backstab one another while knob-slobbing amongst New York’s glitterati. Slutty model wannabe Austin wants to frug Amazing Race Reichen even though Reichen’s already boning the equally talentless Rodiney. Meanwhile, Austin, Derek, and their Manic Panic addicted buttboy TJ gossip about them from the sidelines because they have no lives of their own. Celebrity photog Mike the only one with an actual job steered clear of their melo-drama — the show only seems to be his part time job.
HIGHLIGHTS: Derek said he’s “good friends” with Seann William Scott potentially outing him. Austin said Reichen sucks at blowjobs, which is just one rung higher than saying he has a small dick.
LOWLIGHTS: The rest of the show.
9:00 PM CST – So in the season overview Reichen and Austin go on a date and then Rodiney throws a drink at Austin for being a whore. Mike photogs Margaret Cho. Rodiney cross dresses. And Reichen cries in bed over being a big buttslut.
9:03 PM CST – Ryan can’t deal with turning 30. So he has hired a toothy old party planner to help him forget about how fugly he will be one day. Together he and TJ audition a 14-year-old straight boy with a beautiful torso and horrible angel wing tattoos to serve as shot boy. TJ uses the audition to scope out straight boy ass while their fruit fly takes Polaroids. The dudes leave as soon as possible — wouldn’t you?
9:05 PM CST – Austin calls to firmly confirm his plans with Reichen’s firm buttocks. Reichen acts as if it’s not a date (uh-huh). Reichen has all the handsomeness and self-awareness of a gold retriever with a brain tumor.
9:06 PM CST – Rodiney subtitles his way through a lunch with Derek. Rodiney is definitely the puppy-eyed innocent in this show, just begging to be squashed — the Brazilian foil to everyone else’s bitchy whorishness. “It’s only your second gay relationship?” Derek asks incredulously. But what does Madame Derek count as a relationship anyway? A few weeks? Three dates? A beej? By that measure how many “relationships” has D been in exactly?
9:07 PM CST – Reichen is “really really gay” according to Rodiney. But not so gay that he can’t see an obvious date with Austin a million miles away. Austin says he just wants to catch up, so Reichen has worn his most elderly grandpa sweater in order to throw Austin off his path. Riechen tells charming stories about taking herbal extracts to inspire an 8-hour boner… typically first date convo really.
9:10 PM CST – During their total not date, Austin points out that Rodiney is nothing more than rebound, pity fuck mancandy. The glaring pink decor explains why the rest of the restaurant is empty.
9:11 PM CST – Gay social hint: “It’s really good to see you” and “Let’s hang out and do more stuff” are both code for “I wanna blow you later”, especially when wine is involved. KTHXBAI!
9:12 PM CST – The only way Julia 10 Things I Hate About You Stiles will appear in a quasi-lesbian commercial is if she drinks an entire bottle of vodka and plays herself and the other woman… though sadly it seems that even she wouldn’t sleep with herself.
9:13 PM CST – Breeders use Lysol to wipe their kid spunk and heterosexist privilege off the kitchen counters.
9:15 PM CST – Some bachelor parties hire a stripper. The bachelors in the Bridgestone commercial hire a killer whale. I bet that whale is a huge slut… blow hole all loose and filled with seamen.
9:16 PM CST – Some creepy old guy will tell all Latinas when they can finally retire. His name is God.
9:17 PM CST – The opening shot of headless mannequins make the perfect symbol for this show. At fitness boot camp, I like how Reichen refers to his and Rodiney’s physiques as “our body.” They are really just half a brain each in two bodies — no wonder they’re in love.
9:18 PM CST – Reichen says that Rodiney’s armpits smell like, “a lily field in Maine with a little bit of stank.” He’s probably exaggerating and actually means that they smell like “a curry scented bunghole.”
9:18 PM CST – Ryan’s dentist is also a botox specialist. Poor Ryan. His 40th birthday is gonna be hell when he figures out that bovine growth hormone causes severe lactation.
9:20 PM CST – Rodiney slathers on the manscara and body oil to do a dirty photo shot for Mike. They have smeared poo and Hershey bars over Rodiney’s tank top. Derek criticizes Mike’s decision to slather Reichen’s boyf in feces, but remember, we never see Derek actually working and his only claim to fame is being cocaine besties with Lindsay Lohan.
9:22 PM CST – Mike has the same taste in hairdos and sweaters as your dead grandmother.
9:24 PM CST – My mother commented last week about how great it is that we get to see these men’s “real lives” and how she admires “how completely they pour themselves into their art.” I wept a bit at her innocence.
9:25 PM CST – The A-List word of the day is “gay face”: The look on someone’s face that reveals that they’re gay. Very creative. Never heard it. Ever. Ever. Ever.
9:26 PM CST – Commercial: A serpent slithers up a woman’s midsection before she wakes up and drinks pomegranate juice… kinda like my parents’ honeymoon.
9:28 PM CST – Edwing, another man of color comes in to cater to white man Ryan’s 30-year-old fantasies. Edwing suggests that Ryan wear a black velvet Osh Kosh B’Gosh jumper and a whore red vest. When TJ gets his crappy deck shoes on Ryan’s macrame couch, Ryan reminds him who signs the checks. Way to be a classist, assist!
9:30 PM CST – Reichen and Rodiney decide that living together in an overpriced apartment is more real than living together in a crappy apartment. Together, Riechen uses the apartment as an analogy for their relationship making sure to demarkate the office space where he’ll later bottom for Austin.
9:32 PM CST – Meanwhile in the Hamptons, Derek positions himself as the queen bee of the gossip mill by simultaneously desiring and despising the dreck pouring out of Austin’s cum-tarded mouth. Austin tells us how much he wants to see Reichen’s peen. Austin decides that recapping the last episode’s cock-teasing is more important than Derek talking to the owner of the restaurant, which none much pleases D’s yes-hole.
9:35 PM CST – Oooh! A commercial with a black man and he doesn’t have HIV! Instead he has a toothy kid who likes baseball… which might be worse.
9:36 PM CST – Lexus has developed a car that will never have an accident. Except for the accident you’ll have in your pants when you see the maintenance bill.
9:37 PM CST – A commercial for a new LOGO talk show called 6 Gays and 1 Girl. They should rename it Sausage Party.
9:40 PM CST – Reichen invites his mom with the lesbian haircut to check out his big empty life. Reichen has to down an entire cup of wine before he can break down in tears on her muu-muued breasts. As they say, “A mom is every gay boy’s best friend.”
9:41 PM CST – In a hot tub scene (every episode will have one) a close up of Derek’s blue speedo clad cock reveals a disturbingly defined bulge. The guy obviously sheep dips himself in Nair every morning. Derek always tries to get out of the awkward discussions he begins with “Well, anyway…” The oldest trick in the bitchy queen playbook.
9:43 PM CST – Derek and Austin continue their competition for Duchess of the Hamptons by quibbling over the telephone that Austin tried to hang up during their meal earlier. TRIED TO. Bitch didn’t even succeed. It was an ATTEMPTED HANGING UP. Drama, girls! Couldn’t the screenwriter come up with something a bit more… poignant?
9:48 PM CST – Derek informs Reichen about Austin’s “uncouth comments” about Reichen’s “manhood.” What a good friend Derek is by bringing up Reichen’s old piece of ass in front of Reichen’s current boyfriend — salt of the earth, that one. Reichen’s response? “That’s impossible! He’s never seen my genitalia!” Uh huh… and I’ve never seen The A-List. Derek is totes surprised when Reichen says he’s now no longer excited about going to Ryan’s birthday party. Why should Reichen be in such bad spirits after Derek just helped him out by peeing in his cocktail?
9:50 PM CST – At Ryan’s party Reichen has no ass in his blue jeans. Small victories, my sweeties. Small victories.
9:51 PM CST – Who the hell throws a birthday party at 5PM? All that daylight means you have to actually see the other guests. Ugh.
9:52 PM CST – Getting a little tired of Derek’s gossipy play-by-play conniving. We all graduated middle school, did we not?
9:57 PM CST – Post-commercials: how much drama can we fit into the remaining 3 minutes? …. GO!
9:58 PM CST – Reichen looks a lot more angry when he says shit in front of a baby grand piano. He takes Austin out on the balcony to give him “the business” while Derek watches on, looking like he’s got a piece of poop in his mouth. Then Derek comes out on the patio to show off his bright orange tan and his mostly unbuttoned shirt — it’s not a “fuck me” shirt so much as a “why won’t you fuck me” shirt.
9:59 PM CST – For a fashion photographer, Mike has absolutely retched taste in hairdos and shirts during his interview segments. No wonder he stayed far away from this episode. Who the hell dressed him?
10:00 PM CST – Derek and Austin have the stupidest conversation in the world about who said what about who where why and how. It’s kinda like “Who’s on First” except about cocksucking. They agree not to be friends for the next three months. Sounds reasonable.
NEXT WEEK: Austin humps an imported piece of ass from England. Reichen manufactures some drama with Rodiney in their love nest. Derek, Ryan, TJ, and Mike continue to have nothing to keep their hollow lives afloat except the R.R.A. threesome. Super cyber sad.
Based on all the marketing Logo did for the show and all the online buzz the show didn’t perrform well in the ratings last week. Maybe if they had cast real people that were truly “A-List” it would have done better. Both Ruiz and Reichen have been on other reality shows so how real are they?
I like how Queerty promoted it with terrible wrap around ads that cut off the articles, but then bashes it. (and yes, this show sucks)
Watched episode 1 & 2 tonight. I want my money back!! So bad it is not even a guilty pleasure…thought Reichen and Rodiney were hot at first–that quickly went by the wayside! Your live blog is great, btw.
@Mark212: Or how about just plain real gays like the 1st episode of “Real World”. I think that might be more interesting.
@Yellow Bone: Queerty didn’t promote it. They took ad dollars and Logo promoted it. Queerty just gobbled up ad sales for the crappy show.
The play by play was hilarious .The show itself though and the fact that shows like this are continuously being advertised including on this site to continue to perpetuate gay stereotypes?Thumbs way down.
@scott ny’er: Ah. My mistake. Thanks for fixing that. (But no real difference, still hypocritical of Queerty)
Most of what is on Logo makes us look bad. But when it comes to mainstream gay culture, I live in another Universe.
If these guys are the “Gay A-List” no wonder we’re in trouble and no farther along in our quest for equality!
Very funny post, however, I must admit that I am profoundly more interested in being caught up on tonight’s 90210… This Teddy story is guilty-pleasure worthy, in my opinion.
Queerty for liking this show…you have outed yourself…for what most of us have known you to be…hypocrites.
THe A-List gave you money.
This is horrible for the gays….not a guilty pleasure…you think this does better for the gays than Obama…EHHHH WRONG!
You should work to boycott the show…not support.
I agree with the the people saying a real world type of show would be better. I didn’t get through 10 mins. They look like they are acting too btw.
But a real world type of thing or a show with the gays from RHOA would have been way better.
“Who dressed Mike?” Um, he’s wearing an Alexander McQueen shirt in his single shots, F/W 2010.
I don’t have cable…thank GOD!
This show is in no way a true perpective on being gay in America. Truly for entertianment purposes as it tackles no social issues within the gay community other than dishing over who is a ‘prince tiny meat’ and shopping for a one of a kind outfit. I take this show for what it is. It’s a guilty pleasure of mine especially Mike Ruiz.
The A-List is certianly not going to change the world but a glimpse into the world of fanasy queens who think they are all that and a Bloomingdale’s bag of cosmetics.
And BTW- LOGO sucks as a gay network. It’s worthless and weak.
Ummmm….. So I saw Reichen at Hamburger Marys in Downtown Cincinnati this weekend. Is hanging out in downtown Cincinnati on a Friday night really A-List? I mean I’m ok with it but I’m not pretending to be a somebody…. is this something an A-Lister from Manhattan would be doing? I did go and talk to him… Great Personality (Sarcasm)
Bobby in Seattle
OMG! Too funny and I simply LOVED this segment’s write up! Please Daniel, continue to do so, as I couldn’t stop laughing. You’ve got a great talent at seeing the show how it really is.
Swimmer - Chicago
That one – the one that was having the 30th bday party – yuck, yuck, yuck – you could not give me enough money to touch that….
He needs a complete facelift – botox is not enuf at this point.
“Soul-deadening” show is absolutely right.
@Yellow Bone: Or maybe it shows integrity to criticize something that they had received ad dollars for. Back in the days of print magazines it was called “separating church and state” or splitting production and edit.
@Yellow Bone: Or maybe it shows integrity to criticize something that they had received ad dollars for. Back in the days of print magazines it was called “separating church and state” or splitting Publishing from Editorial.
The only saving grace in this show, the world’s worst by far, is the adorable and gorgeous Rodiney.
The rest are dull, boring, unattractive both inside and out, and washed up even at the tender age of 22.
And to think that I did all those marches, rallies, protests, etc., so that this lot could act like twits on the TeeVee.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
I was hoping this show would be a guilty pleaseue the likes RuPauls Drag race. Something so very over the top that you have to try really hard to hate it……..
The huge freaking problem here is these silly queens actually their vapid empty lives have an impact on others beyond the billowy clouds in their craniums and that others actually care about their lives……..
You simply can’t sit there and chuckle at the drama goin on when you realize these queens all need to run down to the clue store. Because none of them possess a single one……..
> [I]t took Andrew Sullivan to articulate why The A-List might
> hurt gays more than it helps
So let me get this straight.
Austin is a jobless failed model who slept with Marc Jacobs, has no money, and is trying to latch onto a D List Celeb to be taken care of…..and he is “On the A List”?
Oh and Lastly, if Reichen wants to prove that he isn’t into Austin to his boyfriend, then don’t get pissed when you hear Austin is saying stuff about you. It’s just a bitter ex, no reason it should bother you unless you still like the guy…huh Reichen?
I have no problem admitting that I rather enjoy watching the show. Sure, Austin is an A-hole and a bitch but everyone seems pretty caddy (or they are really good at playing it up for the camera), but it’s not boring. It’s not real life but neither are the Housewives franchise, Jersey Shore, or MTV Real World, but we are all smart enough to enjoy them as our guilty pleasures and take them for face value.
I got to tell you: Rodiney is brazilian, not spanish!
He doesn´t speak spanish, so stop telling these lame latino jokes.
Did I mention Rodiney is simply hot, hot, hot, hotter than Hell? He is one hunk of a beautiful man. Great body, beautiful face and I love his accent. I haven’t a clue what he’s like in real life but I’d love to find out!
I hope I didn’t offend too many guys here with me saying that the A-List is built around some dishy queens. Austin is annoying and a bitchy queen. I don’t feel the entire cast is like that… Some of the cast members come off so phony and superior that it’s such a turn off to listen to themselves speak.
Noe Mike and Rodiney… Now there is two men to talk about.
“The Soup” on E! ridiculed “A List” mercilessly and I can’t blame them a bit. The incidiousness of this show will set us back 20 years.
The ratings for the second episode were lower than the first one. Not a good sign for the show. I would rather watch NOAH’S ARC or CBS NEWS ON LOGO then this crap.
@Jigae: It doesn’t. It really doesn’t. Not when they began criticizing it BEFORE they were advertising for it.
Holy shit!! The writer of this blog and the people who love him are pathetic!! You’re probably the same hypocritical gays who wear “NoH8” on your faces. You people are really miserable. How do you hate others with such fun and laughter? The problem with the community isn’t the A-List. It’s you.
What do you want, more Buffy the Vampire re-runs and RuPaul drag queen shows running on logo? Be thankful they’re finally offering a show portraying real gay men. Yes, I said real. Who can dispute that the petty, prissy bitchiness of Derek, who just lives to be appalled or offended by something or someone, isn’t realistic of many gay men? Unfortunate, unattractive, but true.
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