ROYALLY FLUSHED

About That Time Russell Brand Hooked Up With A Guy In A Bathroom Stall

russell-brand-on-stage-for-nbc-today-everett

Maybe Katy knew something we didn’t?

Radar Online is reporting that Russell Brand — the guy who annoyed the hell out of all of us a few years ago, was supposed to be a big star and then wasn’t, and ended his marriage to Katy Perry via text message — had a not-so-secret gay hookup while filming a British documentary a few years back.

In a podcast interview with fellow annoying British comedian Richard Herring, Brand admits to having, um, digital relations with a guy in a bathroom stall. We have all the lurid details, but be careful, they’re NSFKYLD (Not Safe For Keeping Your Lunch Down):

“I trawled around Soho…going [to] various gay bars, gay gyms trying to pick people up with a film crew,” he said.

“I went in this pub and I goes: ‘Anyone want me to wank them off? And this bloke goes, ‘Yep’. Like as if I was saying: ‘Does anyone want a packet of crisps [potato chips] from the bar…?’”

“So we goes to the lavvy – me, him, the director – and…he gets his willy out. And it was not nice. The phallus is…I like mine and you see some others in paintings that look all right but his looked like a rag. I took it betwixt my fingers thusly. It were [sic] like massaging a naked mole rat and it wouldn’t go hard!”

“And we’re…in the toilet with the director standing there filming me and he goes, ‘I think…it would be easier if I was able to touch yours’.”

“And I [thought] ‘Fucking hell mate, do us a favor!’ And the director goes: ‘Go on Russell it would be funny…’”

“So I take down my trousers and pants…and then the bloke sort of mauled at my genitals while I wanked him off. After about  11 minutes, he spat a string of grey jism.”

11 minutes? Amateur. Meanwhile, anyone else need a shower after that? Here’s hoping Russell’s next dip in the manpond is a bit hotter…or at least involves a more aesthetically-pleasing penis. #sizequeen

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12 Comments

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    They’re only annoying to humourless (yeah, spelled that way) provincial c*nts. Toodle pip, old bean!

  • Zodinsbrother

    I say Russell is very annoying to most of us Brits to, so there old bean!!

    Still, credit where credit is due if he really wanked a guy off just for a laugh.

    Now if we could just persuade a few other famous gentlemen that this was a decent way to “have a laugh”.

  • Mr. E. Jones

    Could I get that interview translated from git to English please?

  • 2eo

    @Mr. E. Jones: “Blah bah, I’m a fucking waste of air, and the people who find me funny should kill themselves.. tonight, with those pills in the cupboard, seriously”

    There, I translated what he meant.

  • Paul F

    So Russell, if you want to up the ante from hand job to frottage, give me a ring. You don’t have to talk during, no really, I insist. You can even keep your eyes closed if you’re ageist, I’ll be doing all the looking for you. You might even find that I can rub off on you in a good way, pun intended. I’m not too sure about the film crew, though if you insist on having them tag along for (im)moral support, we can work around them. Waiting patently by my computer, luv yours truly. (Written in semi-sarcastic font)

  • Ogre Magi

    @2eo: Hey now, he was pretty funny in that movie about the Easter Bunny

  • karl61058

    Russell who? Wasn’t his 15 minutes up about 20 minutes ago?

  • jimbryant

    Russell is hilarious. He’s right about the behavior of men in gay bars. Gay bars are sexual hang outs.

  • Rockery

    NSFKYLD? I thought Queerty was exaggerating… and then I read it

    Who knew a jack off story could sound so revolting?

  • jeff4justice

    Russell Brand is an intriguing person.

  • nowliveit

    The story should have included whether Russell 1) got hard and 2) did he get off?

  • BritAus

    Gawd I wonder what bar he went into? Comptons? The Quebec? ;-)

Comments are closed.