A recently divorced man says that now that he’s single he wants to start hooking up with more guys, but he doesn’t want to catch an STD, so he’s seeking advice from our buddy Rich Juzwiak over at Slate.
“I am a newly divorced man who has always had a certain level of flexibility as it pertains to my sexual orientation,” the man explains. “I’ve been with women, men, and trans women.”
He goes on to say that he identifies as “hetero-romantic.” While he enjoys “a nice d*ck from time to time,” he has no interest whatsoever in dating a man.
So he recently joined Grindr, but he says he’s turned off by the blatant “disregard for sexual health I see in my local gay community.”
How about we take this to the next level?
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Huh?
“I want to explore,” the man writes, “but feel inhibited by the prospect of having ‘a secret’ in future relationships, as well as carrying an STI with me as a souvenir.”
That’s kinda rude.
In his response, Juzwiak takes issue with the man’s characterization of gay guys not taking their sexual health seriously.
“About the ‘total disregard for sexual health’ in your local gay community,” he writes, “I’m apparently not there.”
“You run the risk of STIs by having casual sex, period, regardless of with whom (HPV is rampant, for example, because it does not discriminate).”
Juzwiak adds, “Men who have sex with men are more likely to be on PrEP, which may prompt some to abandon condoms entirely, but also means that they’re getting regularly tested, and regular testing catches asymptomatic cases of syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea.”
“You have the option of stating that you only hook up using condoms, and some people will consent to that, while others will immediately lose interest. However, if you’re not using condoms with oral (and few do), you too are guilty of that which you accuse others.”
“Vigilance is important,” Juzwiak concludes, “but so is perspective.”
WashDrySpin
All these articles and references regarding the praising of Prep (which is deserving) but heaven forbid a HIV+ man presents himself as undetectable and deserving of affection, love, relationship from someone who is HIV- on the numerous hook-up dating apps
Liquid Silver
It’s probably best to weed out the uninterested early but yes, other people do get to weed somebody else out for any reason they want. That is, perhaps, something you consider uneducated…but it’s the way people evaluate risk–badly.
And that’s their right.
Creamsicle
The nice thing is that educating people on PrEP is also an opportunity to educate them on jow Undetectable = Untransmisable.
If they can understand the basic principle behind PrEP, then they can be informed how the therapy came from observing undetectable patients in serodiscordant relationships have condomless sex with an HIV-negative partner for years without the other partner testing positive.
Kevan1
Well I did not see this article as a PrEP advert or in praise of, but it does look like positive discussion on the subject is taking place in many post. So however the article was meant, it provided positive conversation.
Catholicslutbox
“but also means that they’re getting regularly tested,”
lol. citation?
EducatedOtter
That actually made me lol. Huge red flags go up when someone says they’re on Prep – it’s supposed to help users stay healthy but so many of our community use it as an excuse, defeating its purpose.
BaltoSteve
In order to get on PrEP you have to test HIV-. Once on Prep and to remain on PrEP, you go in for testing every 3 months (according to Truvada brochure). Friends who are on PrEP have said they do the full STI panel. So, every three months… full knowledge of one’s status.
Donston
There’s nothing wrong with being careful with your health and your sex life. We shouldn’t at all be shaming people for wanting to be careful. Nor should we be pushing the idea that most dudes who hook up with many different guys are on Prep. That just ain’t true.
But there does seem to be some judgement, internalized homophobia, hetero-leaning/non-homo superiority complexes and maybe some self-misandry going on with this guy. This is one of the persistent issues with guys who are not unabashedly into their sex and know that they want to be with a woman at the end of the day. Too many want to be embraced and uplifted by “gays”/“queers” but they also come off as if they believe those guys as beneath them.
On the other hand, there are many dudes out here who are homo-romantic or overall homo-leaning when it comes to sexuality, romantic passions, affections, emotional investment, relationship contentment, but they do enjoy hooking up with chicks. However, the media mostly ignores them in favor of constantly spotlighting closeted/DL/overall hetero ambition guys. It doesn’t do anyone any favors. But it does continue to show that even through the “queer lense” hetero-normalcy is still gonna be uplifted and prioritized.
Liquid Silver
Um, news flash. Communication and wear a rubber. Also, you can catch an STI from a female, too.
And yes, you do get to choose whether to have sex with somebody after a disclosure of a disease like hep B, herpes or HIV, whether currently infectious/detectable or not. Sex is not automatically owed under any circumstance.
Donston
I honestly don’t get the purpose of the question. I initially thought that the question was gonna evolve into how to he can confront his internalized homophobia and his lesser opinion of “gays”, but that didn’t happen. The only real advice someone can give him is to use protection and to ask the person questions before hooking up, but I’m sure he knew that basic common sense answer before he posed the question. The question seemed more about a catharsis than wanting an actual answer. He wanted to indulge his gay insecurities, bash “promiscuous gays” and remind the world how not “gay” he is and how he’s so hetero-romantic and wants to be with a chick. There really was no purpose of the question otherwise if that wasn’t really what was driving him. However, I do wonder how legit many of these columnists’ questions are.
Liquid Silver
Someone is allowed to not be homoromantic if they want. I knew a fellow who could occasionally be heterosexual but simply wasn’t ever heteroromantic; he could rarely get it up for a woman, but forget being in a relationship long-term. It wasn’t going to happen.
So I don’t see much in the way of internalized homophobia there. As far as not catching an STI, if he’s purely looking for a pickup, it’s a valid concern. He’s going to, most likely, connect with men who are doing the same and are, therefore, not looking for more-committed relationships on average.
As far as the validity and originality of the question, I can’t say. For larger columnists, most do say they follow the letter to the…well, letter. Here, it’s hard to tell. It doesn’t sound like a flat set-up.
Donston
It seems that you didn’t really comprehend what I was saying. Please don’t put things in my posts that aren’t actually there.
I fully understand the realities of things like curiosities, preferences, fluidity, paraphiliacs, extreme sex drive, and the gender, sexual, romantic, affection, emotional investment, relationship contentment spectrum. I talk about those things all the time here. So, no one is judging him for being “hetero-romantic” or having hetero commitment ambitions.
My point is that his “question” isn’t actually a question. It doesn’t seem as if he was looking for any real advice. Instead, it appears as if he just wanted to rant about “promiscuous gays”. And despite it being an anonymous column he still wanted to emphasis how “hetero-romantic” he is and how not “gay” he is. That had nothing to do with his “question”. All of that just screams internalized homophobia, non-homo superiority complexes and general gay insecurities. No matter his identities or lifestyle, who he has sex with or who he has relationships with, where he fits in the overall spectrum- it appears as if he has some issues he needs to confront.
It’s also becoming very clear that “queer media” is hyper obsessed with DL/closeted/overall hetero-leaning dudes and whatever drama and divisiveness there is to be drawn from them. There’s almost no focus on how to deal with having homo commitment ambitions while dealing with fluidity or still looking to indulge hetero sex. Those guys are just told to embrace gay/bi/queer identities and keep it pushing. There’s no real examining. Things like trauma, internalized homophobia, non homo supremacy complexes, non-homo worship, the actual complexity and struggles within many “gay” relationships- they are widely ignored. Based off the way the media presents things, you’d think you have to be very sexually homo-leaning in order to have an orientation that’s overall homo-leaning. And that’s not the case.
The media’s biases and focus on sensationalism just eggs on identity politics, manipulation, internal phobias and insecurities.
Liquid Silver
“It seems that you didn’t really comprehend what I was saying. Please don’t put things in my posts that aren’t actually there.” (in your posts?)
Oh, I understand you well enough, more than well enough that you have to try to speak down to me to avoid facing up to the situation. Please don’t become offended when somebody reads through to what you’re actually saying–you overthink the situation desperately to refuse any acknowledgment the fact that people, quite simply, have more complicated preferences than you’re comfortable with.
It’s not simple, it’s not easy, and it’s not trauma or insecurities. If we reversed it, you’d be thrilled with it.
It’s just another aspect of good, old-fashioned “so open-minded I’m a bigot” bigotry. He’s just not good enough for you, so throw him out. And now I’m not good enough for you because I didn’t jump on the train of how brilliant you are and instantly agree with your half-baked psychology, so throw me out. It’s the same response I could get in five seconds in a group of lesbians just by stating, “I really don’t care for Nancy Pelosi.” It’s a statement I can back with factual material, but that hardly matters.
But perhaps you didn’t really synthesize and integrate what I inscribed here. Pray, do not address things in your answers that are not actually there. (not “in my posts,” which of course, I would be unable to do, not being you).
But frankly, I’d rather you didn’t answer at all as I won’t return to read it. I rather think we’re done here, thank you, and I’m getting perilously close to done with Queerty. Fluff articles, fluff minds, half-baked concepts, zero flexibility. It’s fairly typical in the post-Trump era.
Donston
Both in “real life“ and on the internet I’m frequently talking about how individual people as far as gender, sexuality, sociology, psychology and the orientation spectrum. And I’m quick to check basic male “bi-phobia”. I am well aware that everyone has their own thing going on and their own journey. Most of my friends are not homosexual and cis gender. And I have had my own complications, struggles and journey as far as sexuality, fluidity, relationships and sense of self. I’ve done almost everything I can to try to understand people and their individual circumstances. Hell, just a couple of weeks ago my ex boss called me to tell me him and his wife are divorcing. He is trying to understand his sexuality, the fluidity he’s experiencing, some of his self-destructive instincts, his paraphiliacs and where he is in the romantic, sexual, emotional, commitment spectrum. He wanted some thorough advice as far as understanding himself and how to move forward with his life. There’s a reason why he called me despite me not working for him for two years: I don’t judge but I don’t pull punches. I don’t place emphasis on identity politics. And I know what the hell I’m talking about. Therefore, he could be entirely real with me and trust my perspective.
There are some unfortunate and problematic patterns and perspectives that a decent amount of guys indulge. There’s a lot of shit the media needs to focus on and a lot of shit they need to stop leaning on. There’s nothing wrong with talking about shit that does need changing or needs to be brought more to light.
I gave the exact reasons why his “question” and the way he phrased it came off like gay shaming and like homo insecurities and they had nothing to do with him being “homo-romantic”. If he said was “gay” or said he had homo relationship ambitions I would said something different but similar. You misinterpreted the text. Period.
Donston
The dude also seems as if he’s about to indulge his own little “slutty period”, but because he plans on that period being brief he feels as if it’s okay to judge and broad-stroke “gays”. He also seems okay with passing STI’s to other dudes. He just wants to make sure that he doesn’t pass them to a future female partner. All of that, along with what I previously mentioned, are signs that he probably contends with a decent amount of self-misandry and internalized homophobia.
Internalized homophobia, self-misandry, non homo superiority complexes, homo inferiority complexes, gay insecurities, straight/hetero-leaning worship- these things are so rampant and casual among “queers” that many don’t even realize that they contend with them or the people they know are contending with any of them. And it’s not mostly about whether you want to be with a guy or not, because many dudes who are gay-identifying and/or are in same-sex relationships contend with those things as well.
Confronting those things instead of just dismissing them is important. And it’s just as nuanced and individual of an issue as gender, sexuality, mental health, and the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, relationship contentment spectrum. Too many are comfortable with the status quo, comfortable with just seeing each other as fantasy fodder, comfortable with being dismissive towards each other, or comfortable with merely pushing political agenda. I’m not.
DarkZephyr
@Donston
Gonna have to say that I agree with you here. There was no need for him to blather on about being “hetero-romantic” and how he could never end up with a man. The question didn’t call for that at all. He could have just said “I am not interested in anything long term” if he had to mention it at all, but even that would have been a bit gratuitous in context. He seemed compelled to “other” the “local gay community” from himself, like he wanted to make it clear that he did not consider himself a part of that community even though its clear he wants to sample their d*cks.
At any rate, I got the same “internalized homophobia” impression that you did. It was like “I’m a dude who likes to get some d*ck now and again but…no homo!”
Center_Right
Syphilis and other STDs are way up here in Palm Springs since the pandemic. That means that gay men have never stopped having unsafe sex. Maybe they do deserve to get nasty STDs or HIV or Covid. If you don’t change your sinful behaviors, bad things will happen to you.
Donston
I just knew you gonna post something. And I already knew what it’d be.
Liquid Silver
And now he can read minds, too. The talents and hubris of the man…the legend…the…there’s a grammatical error in that post, genius.
Donston
Yeah, people never use “gonna” as a casual why to express “going to”.
If you’re “gonna” be as needlessly bitchy as a lot of posters here at least find something legit to be bitchy about. I also never claimed to be a genius.
boblrice
“Sinful”? Please explain what makes something sinful.
Kangol2
@Bobirice, this poster, @Center_Right (a/k/a @CastleSF/@HereIAm, etc.) is a longtime anti-sex troll who seems to have become even more cloistered and censorious about gay sex since moving to Palm Springs from San Francisco. They periodically post something negative about gay men having consensual sex and usually are ignored. Their fear of fisting is legendary. One person they were panting over is Aaron Schock, though, and I don’t doubt they’d dropped their panties and give him whatever he wanted, or they’d just faint at the very thought of it and that would be that.
Center_Right
Kangol2, stop using the ridiculous pronoun “they” to refer to someone who is clearly a male. “He” and “His” and “Him” are the proper pronouns. I can’t believe I have to educate you on this one. As for everything else you have said about me, all the untruths, about this Aaron Schock bloke, it is getting a little tiresome. He (not they) was a sex addict and probably an addict to drugs, both of which I am vehemently against but yes he is a very handsome guy based on the Western male standards. Nothing wrong with that. Finally, I have statistic numbers from the local health organziations to back up my claim about surging STDs and syphilis cases in the gay Palm Springs world. What solution can you offer than keeping saying consensual sex between adults is not only OK but should be encouraged?
Josh447
Do you really think intelligent people think that “sin” against God is real? Great parlor trick to make money but the fact is, you can’t sin or sin against God. Not possible. Nor provable. Would you like to try?
Best you move along with your side show snake oil business, not buying it.
Chrisk
Oh queen. I find your anti sex attitude hilarious for someone who likes to live in all the gay mecca’s from San Francisco to now Palm Springs.
Cam
I LOVE it when trolls expose themselves.
Remember genius, you’ve been on other threads trying to claim you were a gay man. Now here you f-ed up and referred to gay men as “They”.
PLEASE tell the RNC or Putin or the local troll farm to pay at least $15.00 an hour so we can get some trolls here that are at least a challange.
rural queer socialist
HELLO! ANY-one who gets angry seeing anyone NOT WEARING A MASK MUST EQUALLY get angry seeing anyone not wearing a condom during sexual intercourse. AND, ANY-one who demands that everyone in society – all the time with strangers – wear a mask and keep social distance MUST EQUALLY demand that all hookups among strangers much include a mask AND a condom. Otherwise it is utter hypocrisy.
Cam
Hi Troll,
Here’s the thing. Somebody walking by me without a mask can infect my family. Somebody walking by me not wearing a condom can’t get me sick.
But it’s nice to see that you right wing trolls are all in on every single lame conspiracy theory.
Chrisk
He craves dick but only wants to be seen with women aka romantic BS. Oh how unusual!!
That and he’s afraid of stds. Probably from your typical pump and dump anonymous hook ups. So I guess he does have some valid concern.
Openminded
There was a time in my life that I could somewhat relate to this guys question. What he (and I at the time) wants is for someone to assure him that a simple trial run at gay sex would be safe. Obviously, this is dreaming, but he would jump at the first assurance from anyone that advises it would be safe just once.
Cam
The right wing troll account (One of Roy Ajax’s Screenames) tries to imply that LGBTQ is dangerous.
Your desperation and bigotry are just sad.
RandomGuy
PrEP is not a magical force field that protects you from everything, and apparently, it can be bought online so, that regular testing guarantee may no longer be a guarantee, or he might be lying about even being on PrEP, so always be careful when it comes to your health.
Phillip
What makes this fellow think he cannot get STD’s from women and will only get them from men?
He really needs to take a refresher course in Safe-Sex before he ventures out into the dating world no matter which person he decides to choose.
Jack Meoff
“He goes on to say that he identifies as “hetero-romantic.” While he enjoys “a nice d*ck from time to time,” he has no interest whatsoever in dating a man.:
Forget about the STD issue this guy is a straight up sex tourist. These closet cases that say they would never date a man but love d!ck see gay men as disposable pleasures with no regard to our feelings or our struggles. Users like him do not deserve our attention at all.
Cam
Hetero-romantic but trolling for d*ck.
Sooooooooooooo, wants the societal acceptance of a hetero relationship, but craves sex with men.
As for worrying about STDs, I’m assuming he hasn’t seen the rates of herpes among heterosexuals’.
QJ201
I got an STD from a blow job once. Does happen.
My2CentsWorth
Hello,
Unless this was something that you did at the spur of the moment it would have been good if you and the person could have gotten tests before you got, or gave, the blow job.
Hope that the STD was one in which you were able to easily get cured.