A Lesson In Self-Importance

Al Reynolds Is Not Gay, Says Al Reynolds

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We’re not even sure what to make of this…

Al Reynolds, a washed up Wall Streeter who was once married to washed up talk show host Star Jones, took to YouTube yesterday in an attempt to share the “real” Reynolds. Or, as he puts it, “The Al Reynolds You Don’t Know.” Did we ask?

Far too self-important to speak into the camera – so pedestrian! – Reynolds instead speaks with a journalist, who asks the hard-hitting, tabloid ready questions, like “Are you gay?” The answer, of course, is a long-winded, tortuous and overly prepared “no.” It begins thusly:

I am not a homosexual. But the thing is, it’s really weird to me – and it’s kind of upsetting to me that that’s where people would go as it relates to my sexuality. Because this has affected my professional life. This has affected my personal life. And if anyone knew the damage that it has caused me, they would understand why I’m very aggressive about this. But it’s okay because I’m learning from this whole experience. And hopefully I’ll grow from it. But I can tell you probably why…

He then rambles into what we guess is an explanation of why people think he’s a homo. A short rundown: his Southern roots gave him a sense of style; his mother was a stickler for cleanliness – then he breaks off into some tangent about working on Wall Street and integrity and blah, blah, blah.

Basically, Reynolds, this is weird and confusing and we’re not sure what – or who – possessed you to release an entire series of videos, but it’s so queer, we don’t even know where to begin. Also, your video editor sucks. How many goddamn takes did you have to do in order to splice that rubbish together?

Anyway, readers, if you’re interested, you can find the rest of Reynold’s “not gay” bullshit declaration after the jump.

I am not a homosexual. But the thing is, it’s really weird to me – and it’s kind of upsetting to me that that’s where people would go as it relates to my sexuality. Because this has affected my professional life. This has affected my personal life. And if anyone knew the damage that it has caused me, they would understand why I’m very aggressive about this. But it’s okay because I’m learning from this whole experience. And hopefully I’ll grow from it. But I can tell you probably why…

Look at me. I take very care in my clothes. I dress nice. I’m from the South. We used to dress up to go to church. My mother had six kids. We used to have to line up before we left the house to go to church. It was very important that we were dressed nice. That our shoes were clean, that our hair was combed, that our teeth were brushed. That we presented ourselves as a Reynolds, because that’s what we were. And I kind of transport that into my adult life. So when you see me out, I’m gonna be immaculate. I’m gonna be clean. I’m gonna dress nice. I’m gonna look good. You know some people, they call that kind of soft. Okay. I’ve been called soft before and that’s okay. Some people, as of late, call that metrosexual. I can live with it. Cause it’s not gonna stop. Every time I go to an event, I’m gonna look my best. My mother used to tell me that you look cleaner than the board of health, and I used to say to her ‘ all right that means my job is done. That means I got the okay to leave.’

“See we’ve got to separate the gossip from the facts and that’s why I’m doing this interview. I worked ten years on Wall Street. I managed multi-millionaire accounts for ten years. I did that before I met Star, so for anyone to try to like, you know, discredit my credibility and integrity, it’s one of the reasons why I’m talking. You know? I teach kids at a university on a university level. I have a doctorate degree that I’m working on. This is all things that, you know, it trumps the gossip because it’s the truth, and nothing trumps it better than the truth.”