QUEERTY EXCLUSIVE– In a stunning overnight development, gays and lesbians across the globe have, at long last, secured their equal rights.
In the U.S., Congress stayed up past midnight, passing legislation that gives gays and lesbians the right to marry and the “right to be free from discrimination,” which includes provisions for employment non-discrimination and the right for gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military. Determined not to be left behind, the governments of 120 other nations passed similar bills. On the streets of New York, San Francisco, London, Tel Aviv, Madrid, Beijing and Baghdad, LGBT people took to the streets, weeping and shouting for joy. “Thank you, thank you for treating us as human beings!” shouted one anonymous lesbian in Dallas to whoever passed by.
“I don’t know what we were thinking, to be honest”, said Republican John Boehner, explaining his party’s sudden reversal of policy. “Rush and me and the boys were kicking it back at Stetson’s when these two dudes came in and sat down at the table next to us.” Boehner continued, “It was pretty clear they were on a date and everyone around the table got to talking and next thing you knew, I was up on the Hill saying, ‘This is so stupid. How could we possibly treat our fellow Americans as second class citizens?”
The decision to act quickly came as a shock to many observers, but as President Obama signed the legislation early this morning, he remarked, “You know, um, you see– Perhaps it would have been better had I moved on this, you know, issue– sooner, but I am very happy to see that the Republican party has taken the, well, leadership on this issue. As soon as my teleprompter arrives, I will — uh — have something inspirational to say.”
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Across the country this morning, former anti-gay advocates say they are seeing things in a new light. Anita Bryant, the former bigoted crusader told Diane Sawyer by phone this morning, “Let’s be honest. I was angry at myself. Angry that I lived in Florida. Angry I couldn’t keep my own house in order and so what I did was go after an easy target. It was wrong. I’m ashamed of myself and ashamed when I think that my intolerance has caused so much pain to so many people. Please, please forgive me.”
Gay rights leaders expressed bewilderment at the legislation, as well as elation. Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese released a statement saying:
“The day we’ve worked for is finally here. I wish we could say we had a part in this. Aw heck, we’ll take credit for it anyway. Please send a check and/or hold a fundraising dinner in our honor sometime soon. In the meantime, I guess we’re going to have to find something else to do. We heard a rumor that gay teens face discrimination and that there’s some sort of drug problem in the gay community. Maybe we could do something about that?”
The trans community was particularly shocked to see that they were included in all the legislation as well. Said Shana Wolfson, a prominent trans rights advocate:
“It’s sort of wonderful to find that our rights were included with gays and lesbians without us having to raise a finger. It’s sort of nice to be told that our own struggles are just as important as those of gays and lesbians and to be treated with dignity without having to beg and plead for understanding is, well, it’s just a nice feeling.”
In Oklahoma City, Ed Plainville & William Harris said they were looking forward to their wedding day, as soon as they set the date. “Our parents just called us both, out of the blue and said ‘Hey, when are you boys going to get hitched?”, said Harris. “What’s weird is that up until now, they always called Ed, my ‘roommate’, even though I’ve come out to them like, six times now?”
On Fox News, Bill O’Reilly and Anne Coulter appeared together and told audiences:
“Why we made a big deal about this issue for such a long time is a total mystery to us. Maybe it’s all the hypnotics they give Fox anchors, who knows? I mean, seriously, how could we have ever though that two loving people wanting to express their love could be wrong? Isn’t there enough hate in the world already?” Bill-O added, “You know, Keithy [Olbermann] got it right when he said that we should do everything in the world to nurture and support love, because really, when you think about it, isn’t everything else just a distraction? Now, let’s talk about those immigrants.”
Samwise
lol. nice. what day is it again?
Sceth
Hmph.
Cam
LOL! Ok, THIS was a hilarious article. Thank you for lightening the day!
Wayne
lol. You made me look.
Jason in WV
If this were anything but a joke…
InExile
Too bad this article is not true! I would gladly pack my bags and move back home to the USA today. What will it take for the LGBT community to start demanding equal rights? Still no march on Washington for equality??????? What are we waiting for?
Sam
The Joe Solmonese “quote” is priceless…
Funny ’cause it’s true!
HaplessOrphan
Too long for a bitter joke.
HaplessOrphan
Also, I’m not totally convinced that this isn’t a ploy for page views. Of which I have now given it two.
Jhames
Ha . . . ha? I hate my feed reader today.
jake
boo hoo is it fool’s day or idealistic day?
rogue dandelion
this is the saddest april fools joke I’ve seen today.
Lydon
This is just cruel.
parisinla
yea, its not that funny. Try again.
dgz
it’s “All your gay rights ARE belong to us.” get your nerd humor right, dude!
D-Sun
Ha…Ha ha…Heh…Huh……….
I think I’m gonna go cry for a little while.
Queerky
Oh thats so backward. In Canada, Prime Minister Stephan Harper made it MANADATORY for citizens to have gay sex. As of this morning it is illegal to be 100% hetro in Canada.
myrios123
Inside every joke there’s a kernel of truth. Thanks for the article. It did make me smile.
NICHOLAS
not funny.
Kid A
clever in a bittersweet sort of way.
cory
yeah i agree… not funny AT ALL. I’m not uptight or anything.. but come on… make fun of twinks or porn stars or something ridiculous… not our civil rights.
scott
yeah. i didn’t find it funny either.
Flour
This was funny until I realized how sad it really was. Some day, friends. Some day.
Carly
This is really sad… I better see an article like this that’s for real in my lifetime…
David Anger
David Unger rocks!
alan brickman
how very unfunny….tasteless too….
bigjake75
I think it was funny. nice bit of satire. the dig on obama and solomonese were dead on. I laughed my ass off with the Boehner quote. Nice job. everyone else…relax. we have to be able to laugh. dont forget…WE ARE FABULOUS AND DESERVE TO BE HAPPY
mb00
you suck.
amazingpenis
Ldyon was right. THIS IS JUST CRUEL.
Josh
This article was very upsetting. I actually thought it was true up until i got down to the comments. It was a very cruel joke. All of us in the gay community are hoping, wishing, praying for this to happen, and to flaunt it in front of our faces just to pull it away again is just plain sadistic. Whoever thought that this would be a good idea must have an I.Q. equivalent to that of a dust mite and no common sense whatsoever. I believe an apology article is in order.