Christian Financial Planners Make List of Every Potentially Gay Video Game, Check It Twice

Would you believe that Grand Theft Auto IV could turn kids gay?

As you may have heard, the world of video games is filled with all sorts of deviants — killer alien zombies, cake-eating psychotic artificial intelligences, Bella Goth — but for The Timothy Plan, a self-described “Christian conservative” financial planner that “conducts proprietary research on publically traded companies based on their moral integrity”, the biggest threat on your X-Box is, dun dun duhhhh— the homosexuals.

The company just released its annual guide to which games feature gay & lesbian influences, as well as the usual sex, violence and nudity fears. We probably shouldn’t expect much from a finance company who has a graphic saying “We believe in the unfailable Word of God” on their corporate guidelines page. It also says:

“We do not invest in any company that deals with the promotion of homosexuality. The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality and homosexuality just as it is about refraining from sex before marriage and adultery. Does this mean that, because we will not invest in companies, which support these things, we hate those who choose this lifestyle or are involved in these practices? Nothing can be further from the truth. When Jesus came to this earth, He came to those who needed Him. All of these sins existed when He was here and He dealt with all of them. He guided, but He loved at the same time.”

We also recall Him saying something about it being easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter heaven, but we’re not judging, either! Oh wait, you are judging– at least when it comes to video games.

We’re still trying to wrap our head’s around the idea that somewhere in Florida, there’s a right-wing Christian smashing buttons on Mass Effect while writing notes like, “Lesbian Encounters: The sexual encounter [mentioned earlier in the report as ‘involving an apparent female alien’] occurs even if you create a female character, which opens the door to same-sex relationships.” Or maybe the Timothy Fund just hires their 14-year old son to tell them all the naughty bits. Either way, don’t you think the lady protest too much?

How about we take this to the next level?

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So what games are covertly advancing the nefarious gay agenda? Here’s the list, accompanied by The Timothy Fund’s comments:

Grand Theft Auto IV: “Homosexual Encounters: The main character can solicit dates from males on his online dating website, but will be turned down because he lists himself as a straight male.”

Saints Row 2: “Homosexual Encounters: Players can customize their character in any way imaginable. You can cross dress your character, and select voices to match your homosexual or transgender created player. Characters like Randy the Tranny were used in marketing the game.”

Mass Effect: “Lesbian Encounters: The sexual encounter occurs even if you create a female character, which opens the door to same-sex relationships.”

Bully: Scholarship Edition: “Homosexual Encounters: Gay achievements such as “over the rainbow” can be reached on the XBOX360 when you kiss 20 boys.”

Fable II: “Homosexual Encounters: Players can have a gay/lesbian marriage and have gay/lesbian sex.”

Army of Two: “Homosexual Encounters:(not mentioned): Somewhat homo-erotic undertones between the two main characters are present.”