All Your Video Games Are Belong to Gay

Christian Financial Planners Make List of Every Potentially Gay Video Game, Check It Twice

Would you believe that Grand Theft Auto IV could turn kids gay?

As you may have heard, the world of video games is filled with all sorts of deviants — killer alien zombies, cake-eating psychotic artificial intelligences, Bella Goth — but for The Timothy Plan, a self-described “Christian conservative” financial planner that “conducts proprietary research on publically traded companies based on their moral integrity”, the biggest threat on your X-Box is, dun dun duhhhh— the homosexuals.

The company just released its annual guide to which games feature gay & lesbian influences, as well as the usual sex, violence and nudity fears. We probably shouldn’t expect much from a finance company who has a graphic saying “We believe in the unfailable Word of God” on their corporate guidelines page. It also says:

“We do not invest in any company that deals with the promotion of homosexuality. The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality and homosexuality just as it is about refraining from sex before marriage and adultery. Does this mean that, because we will not invest in companies, which support these things, we hate those who choose this lifestyle or are involved in these practices? Nothing can be further from the truth. When Jesus came to this earth, He came to those who needed Him. All of these sins existed when He was here and He dealt with all of them. He guided, but He loved at the same time.”

We also recall Him saying something about it being easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter heaven, but we’re not judging, either! Oh wait, you are judging– at least when it comes to video games.

We’re still trying to wrap our head’s around the idea that somewhere in Florida, there’s a right-wing Christian smashing buttons on Mass Effect while writing notes like, “Lesbian Encounters: The sexual encounter [mentioned earlier in the report as ‘involving an apparent female alien’] occurs even if you create a female character, which opens the door to same-sex relationships.” Or maybe the Timothy Fund just hires their 14-year old son to tell them all the naughty bits. Either way, don’t you think the lady protest too much?

So what games are covertly advancing the nefarious gay agenda? Here’s the list, accompanied by The Timothy Fund’s comments:

Grand Theft Auto IV: “Homosexual Encounters: The main character can solicit dates from males on his online dating website, but will be turned down because he lists himself as a straight male.”

Saints Row 2: “Homosexual Encounters: Players can customize their character in any way imaginable. You can cross dress your character, and select voices to match your homosexual or transgender created player. Characters like Randy the Tranny were used in marketing the game.”

Mass Effect: “Lesbian Encounters: The sexual encounter occurs even if you create a female character, which opens the door to same-sex relationships.”

Bully: Scholarship Edition: “Homosexual Encounters: Gay achievements such as “over the rainbow” can be reached on the XBOX360 when you kiss 20 boys.”

Fable II: “Homosexual Encounters: Players can have a gay/lesbian marriage and have gay/lesbian sex.”

Army of Two: “Homosexual Encounters:(not mentioned): Somewhat homo-erotic undertones between the two main characters are present.”

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  • seitan-on-a-stick

    Wait until these Ned Flanders’ (save the foetus and kill the baby) Xtians get their hands on a copy of ‘300’ the movie!!

  • ahoke

    wait, weren’t they all just whining about how it wasn’t fair that gays were punishing businesses by boycotting them cause they had contributed to prop 8? isn’t this along the same lines?

  • Doug

    There is a video game called “Bully: Scholarship Edition”? Holy Mother of God. I’m so glad I grew up in a time when we read The Hardy Boys instead of playing video games. Thank God for Frank and his brother (good ol’ what’s his name) — they turned me gay!

  • Michael Wrath

    Those games sound hot.

    The Christians are in a no win situation here. Gamers want to blur the lines of reality. They demand more detail, smoother character interaction, etc. And it gets better with every generation. Homosexuality is apart of that. Anything in real life that can’t be denied must then be put into a game.

    Can’t wait until we reach the virtual reality world type graphics with helmets/goggles and everything. It’s fast approaching.

  • RyanInSacto

    @ahoke: Indeed you’re right. Anti-gay activists often boycott gay-friendly businesses. Just think of the tizzy that these people work themselves up into every year when Disney World holds “gay day.” Recently, the American Family Association launched a boycott against McDonalds because the company had joined the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. The examples actually go on and on. This is the reason that I can only laugh at the whining that has gone on about OUR boycotts.

  • hoshiforever

    “The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality and homosexuality just as it is about refraining from sex before marriage and adultery.”

    Chapter and Verse, please for Sex before marriage = Bad. Oh…that’s right. You won’t find it.

    I’m proudly a queer Christian but people like this make me ashamed and sick. There are so many more worthy causes to back than obsessing over video games; go feed some under-privileged families or fundraiser for a homeless shelter.

  • Raven

    I’ve found that Market Watch doesn’t screen their “press releases” very carefully. I called them out on a yes on prop 8 piece that was clearly propaganda. They reviewed the piece and took it off their site. You have to let these people know what kind of agenda they are fostering. Speak up!!!

  • Okie

    Is there an alternative video game that they produce where you can stone the harlots and fornicators?

  • chuck



  • Darth Paul

    @Okie: On Fable II, you can kill prostitutes (both male and female) as well as pretty much anyone in the game. My 1st husband left me because I killed a hooker who kicked my dog.

  • psy

    Fable I has gay marriage (and sex) as well.

  • Michelle Obama

    The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality

    So of course they’ll also boycott games that feature divorced characters, too. Right?

  • erick

    Army of Two?
    so I guess guys should stop talking to each other. Right?

  • Steve

    Actually, the Bible is not at all clear about homosexuality. Some churches have decided to interpret some texts in a certain way, so as to condemn people and extort funds in exchange for “forgiveness”. That decision does not, however, make the actual Bible any more clear.

    The great majority of people who believe that the Bible is clear on this topic have only read it in English. But, of course, it was written in Hebrew and Aramaic. Most English translations contain large numbers of errors. Some of those errors are clearly intentional. The Hebrew and Aramaic languages of two millenia ago did not even have words for the concept that we now call “homosexual”.

  • Mark


    Exactly! Those people are so deluded and self-absorbed they have no idea how hypocritical they actually are.

  • ChristopherJ

    Bella Goth? lol

  • Shannon

    I’m with ChristopherJ.

    The Bella Goth reference made me laugh. I did almost a double take. Love it.

  • Lee

    Wth is a “Christian Financial Planner”? They sound like they have alot of money, why aren’t THEY making games if they’re so concerned about all this shit?

  • mada

    Love the Bella Goth reference. Favorite Sims characters. Totally made her ditch that Mortimer and Cassandra for another man…

  • Dave

    This may make video game shopping easier ;)

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