BY THE NUMBERS — “A recent Harris poll conducted with Out & Equal and Witeck-Combs Communications indicated that 44% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) participants feel unable to talk freely to co-workers about their partners, and up to 78% don’t feel comfortable bringing their partners to corporate social functions.”
Which side of those percentages do you fit in?
For the record, everyone at Queerty HQ is out, though we don’t exactly have “corporate social functions” so much as noon beer pong appointments and Underwear-Only Thursdays.
galefan2004
I think it depends a lot on where you work and where you live. Hell, many of us still introduce our partners to our parents as friends just so we don’t have to go through the drama. I respect and admire anyone that breaks that trend, but I’m simply not one of those people.
Pop Snap
^ I agree. I simply see no need to cause social awkwardness when it isn’t nessesarry. Or sometimes I’ll say “my goooooood friend” and people will catch on.
I don’t see why some LGBT people have a problem with this; I couldn’t care less about people’s approval of my “lifestyle” (whatever the hell that is).
ggreen
Just as I don’t really want to hear the details of a seedy heterosexual low rent romance I always kept my romantic liaisons private. When you tell that kind of stuff at work, first it becomes office gossip, then fact then the janitor feels free to come up and ask you about it. “I hear you blew your date on Saturday, did you swallow?”
naprem
It’s at least 15 years since I hesitated to refer to my boyfriend as such in any company, or don’t mention him in casual conversation.
But then I refuse to surround myself with bigoted assholes, and if they turn out to be so, then that’s their problem and not mine. I’m not going to let it make me change my ways.
A Skeptic
What do you know, these statistics reinforce the notion that corporate America needs to do more to make LGBT people feel comfortable in the workplace… and wouldn’t you know it, Out & Equal provides exactly that kind of service.
I’m not saying there isn’t a problem – but I also know that Out & Equal is not above specifically engineering the questions on this survey to drive data in support of their raison d’être. They are one of the most crassly corporate nonprofit groups I’ve encountered.
galefan2004
@A Skeptic: I would say that corporate America could definitely do more to welcome gays and lesbians. That should probably start by putting a sexual orientation rider on your non-discrimination policies (which not even every fortune 500 has) and expanding health care and benefit rights to same sex partners. Rather you want to talk about your sex life at work in immaterial until both of those things are accomplished.
However, I think there is a certain segment of the population that just feels that the personal life is personal and the work life is work. Its really easy for Naprem to make comments that basically amount to get rid of anyone in your life that isn’t a bigot, but its a little harder to actually put that into practice. Do you disown your mother because she would rather see you in a hetero relationship? Do you dump all the friends you have because they would rather not hear about you banging your partner? Do you refuse to live in a certain area because it has a reputation for being less than open? Obviously, for some people the answer to that question is yes.
ajax
I am an officer in the home office of a very conservative, global, financial firm. I have been out since 1986. I refer to my partner by name his as frequently as any of my co-workers. My partner accompanies me to corporate events and to events my employer sponsors. When co-workers invite me to social events, they ask me to bring my partner – they write his name on invitations and on place cards.
I know I’m going to get flamed for this, but we all MUST come out. Closets are, at worst, a lie, and, at best, an omission that is meant to mislead. You cannot expect another human to respect you and your life when you give choose to misrepresent yourself to him/her.
Be nelly or be butch – but BE OUT!
naprem
@galefan2004: Oh I’m not saying I haven’t had an easy life. I’m fully aware that I’ve had it a lot easier than a lot of people. It’s just that with my interests and abilities, I have gravitated towards a career that has no problem with me and my life. And I don’t think I’d have it any other way.
galefan2004
@ajax: Let me guess, you live and work in a large city. I’m even willing to guess NYC. While it is nice that you have been out since 1986 (hell I was 7 then), I think you are insane to demand that every everywhere come out. \
Perhaps you are unaware of the movement going on in Ohio for equal employment and housing rights because people have been fired for jobs and denied housing just for being gay/lesbian? Hell, one teacher was at the top of her district and winning teaching awards every single year, but was still fired for talking about the fact that she was lesbian in the break room with a trusted colleague. Someone overheard her and reported her. In a perfect world we should all come out. In a realistic world, we need to weigh our decisions a lot more carefully.
@naprem: That is all well and good for you. I respect you for that. I support the rights of every single person to stay closeted or come out as a personal decision. Coming out is a personal decision and we need to stop demanding that we make that personal decision as part of the community. Its a little extreme when gay people turn their backs on other gay people just because they refuse to come out.
Matt
I don’t tell my co-workers. But then again I don’t date. Why waste your time with something that will eventually end?
ajax
@galefan2004: Two things: I came out in 1986 because my employer directly asked me. You see, there was this little thing going around at the time – AIDS. Seems some of my co-workers were uncomfortable that they might get “sick” from touching what I touched. Especially since I’d run out of the office at lunchtime to deliver a meal to a friend or to pick up laundry for someone who was too sick to do their own. No one ever asked me if I was HIV positive – just gay. No one had a problem with me or my work. They just didn’t want me to work there anymore. Even in a big city like New York, bad things happen and it takes balls to be honest.
My second point: I know some very happy, successful, out people in Ohio. All it takes is self-respect, strength, poise, charm, and the ability to laugh at what desrves a laugh.
Tim in SF
Hmmm. I brought my S.O. to all my company events for my most recent job of 6 and a half years. The CEO of the company was the officiant for my gay wedding in October, when it was legal.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/redtimmy/3005979489/in/set-72157608535358468/
Everyone’s experience is different. I think it depends on your company culture and the size and composition of your balls.
TANK
@ajax:
what deserves a laugh, ajax?
dm73
I personally like to keep the personal stuff to myself. I’m out at work at a conservative law firm. Lucky to work with a good group. Everyone knows, no one gives a darn. But there are places that can without repercussion in this country fire you or deny you employment just because of sexual orientation.
It’s easy to dole out generic platitudes and I believe people should live honest lives, but a person has to do what is necessary to survive above all else. Ideals alone doesn’t place bread on the table.
SteamPunk
I work at a small company that has extremely liberal policies and half a dozen openly gay employees, yet I certainly wouldn’t talk about my “hot date.” Of course, in order to do so, I’d have to find that “hot date” first 🙂
GirlyQ
Yes, I do talk about dating girls. I am very out. And, if I had a girlfriend, I’d bring her to social functions. I live in a really conservative community, and work for a Catholic college, but I just can’t imagine practically lying to people. I can’t do it. I am who I am, and a surprising number of my co-workers are totally supportive. The very religious little old lady I work with told me that her daughter is a lesbian, and she began to cry while telling me that it makes her so upset when people say it’s wrong, because her daughter is so happy. So you never know.
Pop Snap
@galefan2004:
Actually, I’ve lived in Ohio for most of my life (but once I’m out of college, goodbye Amish Land) and the people here are actually fairly accepting. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t yet had a job & have been a student (I have never once in my life had someone under the age of 25 give me a hard time for being gay), but I’ve known GLBT adults that have no problem being who they are. The incident your referring to is probably an isolated one.
Scrufff
Wow, I’m lucky, I live in LA and work in the entertainment industry. The last company I worked at supports MANY gay groups and when these gay groups have fundraisers, I’d have to jockey into getting tickets for me and my BF before my straight top level executives got a hold of them. At first it was a bit strange being at a gay swanky black tie event with my BF and realizing that everyone else at my company’s table was straight! My bosses realized, its Hollywood, you gotta schmooze with the power gays.
galefan2004
@Matt: Because eventually it will stop ending. That will be after you found the right one and want to take it to the next level. However, if by all means all you want is sex, then you are probably just as well off never dating anyone.
galefan2004
@ajax: There is a huge difference between being out and being out at work. I’m as out as I can possibly get. I haven’t hid anything in the last 10 years. However, I do realize that there are parts of this state where being out at work will get you fired with no questions asked. If there were actual protections put in place to keep that from happening then I would gladly come out at work.
galefan2004
@SteamPunk: It will happen. It will most likely happen when you least expect it. I was single for years before finding my man, but me and him click so well it seems we have known each other for years. Everyone has someone out there. Sometimes you just have to work on yourself and above all stop being overly picky.
galefan2004
@GirlyQ: This reminds me of when I told my mom I was dating someone. She asked if it was a girl? I was like, mom you know I’m gay. She was like oh well at least you are dating. One of the most special moments that ever existed between my mom and me, and I just gave her this huge hug and told her I loved her because for once in her life she finally got it.
@Pop Snap: The incident I’m referring to regarding the teacher is actually a common practice. Although this exact example happened in London, Ohio, which is a suburb of Columbus. Teaching is the least gay friendly profession that you could ever imagine. I’m from Amish country and I’m out. I tell people I’m close to if it comes up, and I never deny it if someone straight out asks me. Browse over to Do Whats Right Ohio to learn about many more personal stories and get involved in the fight for the EHEA (http://www.dowhatsrightohio.com/). The truth is that any company in Ohio can let a gay go with absolutely no recourse.
ConcreteN
Personally, it has nothing to do with me being scared or uncomfortable with telling them as for the most part it doesnt come up in day to day convo. Sorry, but item 4 on the morning status call is not that I am gay and amazing gay sex last night
joan Houston
Okay, I’ll bite — how d’ya play Beer Pong?
schlukitz
I will agree that it is a very personal decision to come out and that no one has the right to tell another person what they should do, no more than the religious right has the right to tell us whom we must love or marry.
That said, however, I think that we do ourselves a grave disservice when we look for and find excuses for not coming out. By doing so, we give our silent assent and the nod of approval to those who would seek to keep us silenced, unseen and deprived of our dignity and equality.
Civil-rights marches conducted in closets attract very little attention.
TANK
It’s kinda hard to avoid answering that question when you show up to work in diaper with slut and whore printed on your back and front in permanent marker.
TANK
@TANK:
What’s worse is that you can’t answer because you don’t remember. “Looks like you had an interesting…weekend…” “Oh, you were there? What happened?!”
Dennis
@TANK: (#26)
Sounds like you’re describing casual Fridays @ the RNC.
Mary Taylor
@ajax:
While i do think it is best to be out where possible, its not always possible or appropriate. in some cases staying closeted at work is a matter of self preservation.
I’m lucky that i live in England where you cant be fired for being gay, but i’m sure it still happens
At my work it’s probably obvious i’m gay, only a few of the 400 people in my office knows.
Earlier this year i had the unusual and kinda awkward situation of asking my boss if my gf could get a job at our office as she’d just lost hers. i told him in the initial conversation that she was my gf, as i thought it may even work to her advantage, if he knew that she was a partner of an existing employee (couples are more stable and less likely to go AWOL etc, so the theory goes)
My point is, being out is different for diferrent people and by situation.
Tom in COS
Speaking from personal experience, being out and open with relationships in the workplace can change the it for the better.
I work for a small sports management company in one of the most conservative towns in America. As you can imangine not exactly the most liberal/tolerant place I could be gainfully employed. But because I’m out and I talk about relationship, I’ve humanized the LGBT community to my collegues, giving them a face to put with this movement.
We’ve definitely changed the minds of my collegues when it comes to gay parenting (the bf has 2 kids) and same-sex domestic rights. I’m still working on the marriage issue, but hey, it’s a start.
If more people were less afraid, and took that step that step out of the glass closet, I believe we could see a drastic change in the American work culture.
MTiffany
“noon beer pong appointments” ???
Where do I apply?