Life isn’t meant to be lived in a closet. It’s dark, cramped and smells like moth balls.
The good news is that more and more, people are coming out earlier in life, saving them from years of internal oppression. It’s awful to lie to the people you care about, and in a perfect world we’d never have to.
Still, there are tons of guys still living secret lives, or worse yet, stuffing down their true identities to the point of destruction.
Here are twelve stories from people trapped within the closet on Whisper. For those who might be reading this who are still questioning whether or not to come out, there is light at the other side of the tunnel.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Lovelife
Its funny because when I was still in the closet, people made a lot of gay jokes around me.Even using me as the butt of them.It hurt a lot.
But now that I am out and owned it,these same people act “surprised” and/or “shocked” that I am gay. As if they wanted to keep on using these “jokes” against me until such time that THEY decide that it was enough.Whenever that would be.
I don’t judge people who are in the closet.I tend to fear them,fear for them. Cause in the end,they are really their own worst enemy. ***Hugs.
Buckrider
There are many reasons whey ppl are still in the closet. Yes. A lot of it is apprehension. Fear, etc. However. I do not see the point in being judgemental or criticizing of a man that feels that way. The ironic thing about some parts of the gay community is that different groups are just as criticizing towards other gay men as are str8 towards gay who do not like them. A mentality that dictates, “if you aren’t like us then you aren’t right”. If you don’t, “look gay”, or you don’t “talk gay” or you aren’t for every single issue that a gay group goes for. Bottomline is to me. It takes all kinds. Sort of “ye who is without sin may ye cast the first stone”. I’m tired of the “out” bandwagon. Just be you. Just because you like same sex doesn’t make you worse or better than anyone else. I’d emphasize more on being a decent person instead of pinpointing focus on whether I am “out” or not. Everyone deals with their struggls in different ways. There are portions that aren’t right. There are portions that are right. I do the same thing I did before I realized I was gay that I do now that I know I am gay. Go figure! lol.
onthemark
On the one hand this is sad because they’re missing out on a lot. On the other hand it’s no longer tenable or even possible to stay in the closet indefinitely.
They can maybe fake it when they’re 22, although I bet most of their girlfriends have figured it out already and are content for now (real straight guys that age are pretty annoying!). But nowadays you can no longer really fake it when you’re 30, and by 30 everyone they know will think they’re gay anyway.
@Lovelife: Yeah, they probably had figured it out at some level, anyway.
AtticusBennett
there’s a solution to all of this – Come Out. not sure how? contact PFLAG. contact support groups. or strike up a conversation with those “out gays” that you currently want nothing to do with. we’ve done, you can do it too.
enfilmigult
@Buckrider: I’m sorry, this comment seems completely bizarre to me. “I’m tired of the ‘out’ bandwagon. Just be you.” But coming out of the closet IS you just being you, instead of pretending to be something else (heterosexual). It’s like you think “coming out” means talking or acting a certain way, but all it means is not hiding the fact that you’re a gay person.
AtticusBennett
@Buckrider: you’ll change your tune when you finally come out. your comment was exactly the kind of nonsense that closeted guys tell themselves, and it only results in more years of you wasted your life living a lie.
AtticusBennett
whenever a gay man says “if you don’t act gay then gay men think your’e faking it” what he’s really saying is “if i behave like you guys, the straight people in my life will make fun of me, because my family hates gay men that act like that.”
here’s the proof – TLC’s “my husband’s not gay” show. those men are homosexuals, who don’t want to be. they don’t hang out with gay people. they do not congregate with other gay people. they want nothing more than to be not gay.
and yet…they’re as gay as can be. “gayness” is not an affectation, and the only boys claiming that it is are those who waste more time giving excuses to remain closeted rather than using that energy to get over their learned-insecurities about being gay, and coming OUT.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
#3 Down: I will be more than willing to play pretend with you…. :p
Billy Budd
While I was a virgin, I kept myself deep into the closet. As soon as I had sex with a boy, I immediately told everybody.
rickperryisgay
I feel like a writer of Queerty wrote all these just so they had a lame thread to post. The quality of this blog is sad.
curan
The entire question is boring. It is a rare gay relationship that brings something productive to your life.
Define yourself in ways that don’t involve sex. This is a mark of maturity.
Billy Budd
Aren’t you going to talk about the Tiffany Ad Featuring a Gay Couple?
onthemark
The thing these guys forget is that there’s actually more to being a straight guy than watching football, binge drinking, eating pizza, belching, and generally being an a-hole. I know, it can be hard to believe there’s more to it than that, but there is.
To be a straight guy you need to be genuinely, sexually interested in women. So if you’re not sexually interested in women YOU’RE NOT STRAIGHT. Sorry, that’s the way it works!
Eventually everyone figures you out anyway (especially the women), so don’t be the last one to admit it. You just end up looking really dumb, and you waste a lot of time when you could have been having fun.
@curan: “It is a rare gay relationship that brings something productive to your life.” LOL, maybe in your case.
tricky ricky
my partner who I have lived with for almost TWENTY years told me today that for the last few weeks he has been coming out to people at work. he is a fire fighter. one said they had figured it out themselves, the rest either didn’t have a clue or suspected but let it slide. all of these people knew he lived with me in a house they helped re-roof and re-side and that we have had numerous cats together along with other pets. they see us when we’re out together they know he drives me to my heart doctor appointments and what times he calls me when he’s at work (we have a schedule).
for all this time he has been doing a variation of don’t ask don’t tell and not one damn person cares he’s gay. he’s always been their friend and that’s all that matters.
polarisfashion
@Lovelife: High School was pure torture for me. I was teased so badly that I hated everything gay. Even in college I was so self loathing that I couldn’t come out even though there were tons of resources for me to use. I finally accepted the truth when I was 23. All of those years wasted, it still makes me angry.
tricky ricky
@curan: BEING GAY DOESN’T INVOLVE SEX. IT IS A STATE OF MIND. you’re just like those anti-gay right wing nut job haters who think for the simple reason you say you’re gay you’re shoving your sex life in their face. I think the rest of us would have an easy time defining YOU.
tricky ricky
@rickperryisgay: I’ve seen those comments on another site so I’m pretty sure they weren’t just made up.
john.k
The great thing about being out is that you can relax. You won’t be on edge all the time for fear of giving yourself away. I came out gradually over a long period. I didn’t lose a single straight friend by coming out to them. What I find is that if you are “matter of fact” about being gay your friends will be too.
Chris
@tricky ricky: Congrats to your partner. I hope this latest development just adds to your happiness together.
As for the closeted people in the above posts: I feel very sad for you. But I feel worse for the women you continue to date and those who become your partners. I cannot tell you how many women I’ve met, including my own sisters, who resent the gay men who led them on.
jason smeds
The closet is largely self-imposed. It’s due to personal cowardice. If you’re suffering in the closet, it’s because you have allowed yourself to be there.
Being out is obviously better but there’s also the temptation to define yourself on what you do in the bedroom. There are tons of openly gay men who have made the mistake of defining their personalities on their sexuality. They’ve create a new closet.
jwtraveler
Every minute you stay in the closet is a minute of your life that you’re throwing away. Come out, come out, wherever you are. What you gain will be far greater than anything you lose.
Geoff B
I can’t damn them. I spent years like that. I can’t even claim I came out on my own, my Mom and my brother fianally called me out and let me know they loved me not in spite of it, because they just loved me and would always have my back. I wasted so much time hiding for nothing. I later moved to a more conserative area, but couldn’t be bothered to hide because to do so would be to deny not only myself but the man I love and I would never do that. You want to tell me I’m evil for who I love, fine. You wanna come at me or the man I love about it just know I’m a crackshot, I’m a member of NRA, and I will punch a muthaf**ker in the throat if threatened.
gaym50ish
Many of us in my generation are selectively “out” but are not paranoid about being discovered. I am out to my closest straight friends but not to my relatives or the rest of the world. My employees and business acquaintances do not need to know and would probably never ask — although some people I work with probably suspect because they know I live with a man. So do my relatives. And if they ever ask I will tell them the truth because it doesn’t bother me if they know. I always speak up when someone uses a slur against gays, and I will make my opinions known on gay issues. If that makes someone suspicious, so be it.
On the other hand, I don’t want my personal life to negatively affect my business. My partner and I were married, but we went out of town to do it so the license wouldn’t be reported in the local paper. I didn’t tell my relatives about it.
Now, some people may consider that to be cowardly, but I am in business in a conservative community. I am perfectly happy guarding my private life and being partially in the closet. We go out to the bars and do everything together, and we do not feel like we’re “living a lie.”
enlightenone
@gaym50ish: “…We do not feel like we’re “living a lie.”
But you are. A least the two of you and committed to the “lie” together!
“…And if they ever ask I will tell them the truth because it doesn’t bother me if they know.”
Actually it does “bother” you your RELATIVES would know the “truth” w/o you having to “tell” them!
My post is NOT about you and your partner, but for this generation to LIVE, GROW, and MATURE so they don’t live a cloak and mirrors life! NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL or SPIRITUALLY healthy living.
Wilberforce
Always the same, self-righteous tone for this topic. Come out now. And if you don’t, you are a (add insulting noun here).
I’m out except at work, because it would hurt my career. It’s as simple as that. But even there, I don’t pretend.
Plenty of people are not out at all, and for many reasons. Often they’re stuck in a phobic backwater. Or whatever.
People need to decide for themselves when to come out, because only they can judge if it’s safe or workable or whatever. There can be a zillion circumstances to consider.
We don’t need self-righteous, simplistic yahoos telling us how to live our lives.
Lovelife
@polarisfashion: Trust me my man. You are exactly where you SHOULD be at this point in time. Really.
polarisfashion
@Lovelife: I am out to most of my family. I wish my parents were a little more open minded to talk about it with me. They have met some of my gay friends and even a few of my bfs over the years but for the most part its something we don’t talk about.
libraboi
U PRETEND TO BE STRAIGHT TO FIT IN WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS? GUESS WHAT? IF THEY ARE TRULY YOUR “BEST FRIEND” IT WOULDN’T MATTER TO THEM THAT YOU ARE GAY
Clark35
Why does Queerty always obsess over closet queens nowadays?
elliot meyer
I just ended a 6 month relationship with a closeted gay mature man, who is a baseball scout for a major league
team.
Some men will never come out of the closet due to work, family, religion, fear.
Even though it was hard to cut off feelings with this man I knew I could never get the emotional feedback
I was looking for in a relationship.
maybe one day he can be his true authentic self, but I doubt it
E Meyer