Hypocrite

Antigay Archbishop May Have Had Gay Sex With Other Priests, Of Course

reverend-nienstedtWelcome out of the closet, Archbishop John Nienstedt! For years, you’ve made yourself the enemy of gay and lesbian families. Frankly, we always had our suspicions about you, based on the conduct of your friends like Mark Foley and Larry Craig. But the evidence is mounting and now there’s a full-blown investigation, so we might as well go ahead and welcome you into the LGBT community. If we must.

It’s been a difficult few years for you. You’ve dedicated yourself tireless to slandering gay folks — now why would you do that? — by saying obviously insane things like homosexuality is the result of mental damage.

You also raised hundreds of thousands of dollars to oppose Minnesota’s marriage equality efforts. Well, “raised” might be the wrong word, since you just gave $650,000 in church funds. Isn’t it great how you can use your job to be a tax-dodging lobbyist?

And what did you get for your efforts? Marriage is legal, public support for LGBTs has never been higher, and membership in superstitious bigoted institutions is dwindling fast.

To be honest, there’s never been a better time to come out. So maybe it’s a good thing that ten allegations have surfaced that you’ve had sexytime relationships with other male clergy.

Hey, at least you weren’t accused of touching a young boy inappropriately again. We all know about your organization’s enthusiasm for that sort of misbehavior, so it must have been a relief when you were cleared of that charge last year. Well, a relief to you, of course. Probably not so much for the young boy.

The church will investigate the new allegations, which so far are pretty vague. All we know is that they involve “sexual misconduct” with priests. Was it the missionary position?

It’s possible that your “misconduct” was just an innocent fun blowjob or a little light bondage. Whatever it was, we hope you had fun! There’s no reason to feel guilty about that sort of thing, even though people like you have been insisting that there is for years.