A recent study found that asexuality isn’t some bizarre form of “psychopathology” or the result an extremely low libido as once declared by zoologist/sex researcher Alfred Kinsey. Instead, researchers say, “available evidence points to asexuality being best conceptualized as a unique sexual orientation.”
In other words: Having no sexual orientation is itself a sexual orientation. Just like being gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, etc., etc., etc.
Now, a group of self-identifying asexuals recently sat down with the BBC to discuss just what it’s like living in an overly-sexualized society.
Related: It’s time to stop joking and start taking asexuality seriously
35-year-old Matt explains:
[I] have only just realized I am asexual. I have always been attracted to people, form romantic feelings very quickly and have always dated. I would fancy someone, enjoy the kissing and physical contact, but when it came to sex, my body would just switch off.
In the beginning Matt says he felt “huge embarrassment” and worried he would be alone forever.
He continues:
But recently I have seen a lot of articles about asexuality, and I can’t begin to describe the relief that I am now able to label what it is about me that is different. I can even begin to dream about finding someone who could understand.
Related: Do you exhibit ‘asexual microaggressions’ and not even know it? (Hint: Probably)
42-year-old Ian had a similar experience. It wasn’t until very recently that he realized he’s asexual.
I never really enjoyed my first sexual encounters, though they were interesting as a kind of fact-finding mission. Pretty much every encounter since, regardless of my relationship with the person in question, has been unsatisfying to the point of unfulfilling.
Ian is currently in a committed relationship with a woman, but, he says, they aren’t intimate.
I call her my partner because it doesn’t really feel right describing her as a “lover” or “girlfriend” as we’re not, by normal standards. Although we regularly share a bed, we don’t even kiss, never mind do more intimate stuff. I don’t think she’s ever quite got to grips with my lack of sexuality and tends to assume I’m gay.
Related: These asexual guys are madly in love, they just have zero interest in having sex with one another
Meanwhile, 52-year-old John says he has been “repulsed by sex for as long as I can remember.”
In my younger days I was always sexually active, but I never got any satisfaction from it. Other than seeing my partner receiving pleasure, I pretty much hated it. I have been in a few strong, loving relationships through my life, and even happily married once, but they all failed as a result of one thing, my total disinterest in sex.
John says he found satisfaction in things like cuddling, but sex just didn’t do it for him. His lack of interest is what eventually ended all of his relationships.
He continues:
I’ve now been single for 11 years and, although I don’t particularly enjoy being so, it is far easier than trying to find one of the other 1-3% of people who are the same as me. I just hope that more young people become aware of and open about their asexuality so they can find a similar person and enjoy a normal, loving, non-sexual relationship.
It’s estimated that around 1% of the world’s population is asexual. So out of 7.5 billion, that’s about 75 million people.
Related: This married gay asexual is not interested in having sex with you, his husband, or anybody else
ngblog
Asexuals are a disability, not an orientation
rose_w
Why do you think that? Are you asexual?
Passing Ace
Didn’t people think that about homosexuality once upon a time?
Donston
I agree that society is over-sexed. But a lot (if not most) of these self-described asexual people don’t seem like stable-minded individuals who simply lack sexual attractions and/or sex drives and are more like people who have pathologies and phobias and anger against sexuality or sexual behavior. That is indeed not an orientation but is closer to being a condition.
Passing Ace
Many asexuals have no issues or problems with sexuality but don’t have the attraction. In fact some asexuals have sex (for others pleasure, to make a family etc) and some can even enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong yes some may are sex repulsed too, but the main thing about asexuality is lack of attraction, not a dislike of sex.
KaiserVonScheiss
I find this ironic. The same author who won’t stop with the polyamory and the pro-promiscuity stuff is trying to show us the plight of asexuals living in an over-sexualised society.
Who’s making society over-sexualised?
Ummmm Yeah
Oh boo freakin hoo. All you have to do is not have sex with anyone and mind your own business. No one is discriminating against you.
Munkypunk
Lol!
Passing Ace
Discrimination against asexuals do exist, although I admit that it is different discrimination than other orientations get.
Best way to describe it would be discrimination against other orientations would be more hate based, while asexuals face more lack of validation and erasure based discrimination (other orientations may have some of this too).
Yes we’re less likely to get beaten up over it or have laws put in place against us. Instead we get a lot of people who either try to coerce asexuals into having sex, either through corrective rape, or peer pressure (later I have faced myself). Comments like “You haven’t met the right person” or “How do you know if you haven’t had sex yet?” often get thrown to us a lot by people, being dismissive of our identity. Based on those kind of comments I’ve had to stop being open about my asexuality because the comments I got were very mentally straining for me.
Heywood Jablowme
We live in a puritanical, UNDER-sexualized society, so anyone who thinks we live in an “over-sexualized society” is crazy.
Someone who just wants to cuddle and not have sex? – well, come on, isn’t that 80% of heterosexual women, and 98% of lesbians? 🙂
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Evji108
If people are not sexually attracted to other people it’s pretty hard to take that seriously because the lack of sexual attraction doesn’t directly affect anyone but thenselves. Lots of people are not having sex for a lot of different reasons -I don’t see why that makes them special. Honesty nobody else cares much about what they aren’t doing. People care about what one does, not what one does not do.
Passing Ace
I’ve not faced it the most out of asexuals, but some people do care about what one does not do. “So when are you going to get a boyfriend\girlfiend and then marry them?” “When will I get grandkids?” etc etc. Before I realised I was asexual, these were extremely awkward questions because it made me think I had to have my own family, and live happily ever after with a significant other.
I can see with comments all over the place, that there is a lack of education on asexuality, which makes it harder for those of us who chose to come out, as we are more likely to be invalidated due to it.
JJinAus
I just don’t get it. I wouldn’t know anyone was asexual unless they were like vegans and Apple users and told me. Their sex life or lack thereof is none of my business. Shut the hell up and help people who are truly marginalised.
Passing Ace
You are right that asexuals sex life (or lack of) isn’t your business, just like yours wouldn’t be mine. But with the lack of information that is out there, there will be asexuals that don’t know such a thing exists.
Imagine being gay, and not know for 19 years that there was such a concept of being homosexual. You stumble through life trying to be hetrosexual until someone tells you that your feelings towards the same sex is actually a thing. For that 19 years you’d probably felt broken as you didn’t fit the norm that you are aware of. That is how I felt before I discovered asexuality at the age of 19 (despite being lgbt aware for many years before that). For some, it takes even longer to discover their asexuality, due to lack of awareness of the orientation. This visibility could help make less people feel broken about their asexuality that they don’t know exists.
Passing Ace
I like having a wee check on google for mentions of asexuality so was glad to see a wee bit of visibility here. Saw some comments that thought I should give an asexuals perspective on, to hopefully educate. Happy to try and answer any questions or points others have.
jd.cali
I’m sorry but asexual is NOT an orientation like bi, straight, gay, etc… I am tired of seeing this bogus claim.
Why because asexual people will still be attracted to a sex. They may have little to no sexual interest but thier orientation is still based on gender.
Please note this is not shaming or hating in anyway. I have zero opinions of an asexual person. But stating a lack of sexual interest has nothing to do with orientation.
There I said it.
Passing Ace
“Why because asexual people will still be attracted to a sex.”
Think you are getting your definitions mixed up there. asexual people are not sexually attracted to anyone.
Asexuals tend to follow split attraction model, where romantic and sexual attractions are separate things. I’ve even seen this with sexuals as well (one I’ve seen is a friend who is hetrosexual and also aromantic).
Although your not shaming or hating, this is invalidation which can be harmful to asexuals. Imagine homosexuals being told that they just haven’t found the right person of the opposite gender to be sexually attracted to. It’s not hateful or shaming but it’s still invalidating and still hurtful.
Knight
Wow…”available evidence” eh? Horseshit as usual. No citations, no scientific method, just a “survey” which surely can be used to form a sound scientific conclusion. I do not believe “asexuality” is a sexual orientation. That’s just stupid. READ THE QUOTES! These people are engaging in romantic kissing, body-play etc. Just because nothing goes in any orifice dos not make this act “asexual’. Geeze. At what point in human evolution did we deem that “sex” only means penetration? This is just stupid.
Passing Ace
The available evidence part is linked right at the start to another story referencing research done by the University of the British Columbia. Among other researchers, I would recommend looking up Sam Lawton from Glasgow University who I heard speak about research into asexuality. There is an open letter that has been signed by those who have researched and acknowledge asexuality here (see bottom of those who signed it): http://www.asexuality.org/?q=openletter
As for the 2nd part, where you highlight people engage in romantic acts like kissing, you hit the nail on the head, it’s romantic, not sexual. I can’t speak personally, as I’m aromantic, but romantic asexuals may engage in sex after less sexual, romantic acts, but generally they are indifferent to it, some enjoy it, while others can be completely repulsed with the idea of sex. The definition of asexual is no sexual attraction to others, not no romantic attraction to others (that’s aromantic), or lacking sex drive (that is Non-Libido). All of these aren’t mutually exclusive either.
The example of it would be to think of a bar with various beers and wines. Your beer drinkers like beer. Wine drinkers like any wine. Some people like both beer and wine equally. Then there is those who don’t really drink beer or wine. Think sexual orientation as liking beer, wine, both. Asexuals would be those who don’t drink beer or wine.
Sticking with the same example, there are various types and brands of beer and wine. Lets treat them like romantic orientations, because you don’tr really want to spend a lot of time drinking a brand\type that you don’t like. Some people may not like any brand or type, while some people will like certain brand or types. Aromantic asexuals would be the non drinkers that don’t like any brand what so ever. A romantic asexual would be a non drinker that found a certain drink that they may like the taste of. They may not have desire to drink it often, but have a collections of the bottles, advert posters of it etc and may drink it on special occasions only.
It’s really a simplistic and imperfect way of explaining a complex subject but hopefully it helps understanding of what these people are talking about, and better understanding of asexuality.