time warp

Before becoming a Trumpista, this NFL hunk appeared in a very homoerotic vintage Game Boy ad

The internet has just dug up a homoerotic 1991 print ad for the Nintendo handheld Game Boy console, and it features a real-life NFL player getting lots of unwanted attention from lycra-clad football jocks.

The ad shows a photo of Bob Golic who, at the time, played as a defensive tackle for the Cleveland Browns.

The image shows Golic sitting in his football gear on a locker room bench while four other clean-cut men from the “other team” surround him, each one grabbing for his device.

“Light Boy is Bound to Attract Attention!” the ad’s headline announces in coral and orange letters. Indeed, all the men around Golic seem hot for a piece of his handheld action.

“I can’t take my Light Boy any place without making a commotion,” Golic says in the ad. Sadly, the Light Boy doesn’t refer to a fair-skinned or featherweight twink. It refers to a device that lit and magnified the Game Boy’s monochrome screen, making it possible to play with yourself in the dark.

“All I wanted was a few private moments on the Game Boy before the offense got off the field,” he continues, “but now I’ve got these rookies from the other team in here.”

We’re pretty sure a few adult videos start in much the same way….

Even though Golic doesn’t play for “the other team,” the photo suggests he’s not altogether bothered by their greedy, grabbing gridiron hands. His eyebrows are raised, his eyes wide, his mouth smiling and open as the manly maulers get their mitts on his “Boy.” He even props one of his feet upon an opponent’s muscular thigh.

Golic goes on to say, “They like the way Light Boy makes the Game Boy screen light up in the dark. The 1 1/2 time magnification is great, too. Light Boy is bound to attract attention. Now, how do I get rid of these guys?”

The answer is obvious: Give the meaty marauders Light Boy. Yes, hand him over. Those burly brutes won’t rest until they’ve gotten their large muscular man-hands all over him. They want to play with him a lot and maybe even pass him among their teammates for them to enjoy. They’ll mash his buttons and fondle his controls until he’s so exhausted that his batteries fall out.

Perhaps we’re reading a bit too heavily into the ad… or perhaps not! Even gay podcaster Drew Mackie commented via Twitter, “I remember this ad. It reads differently now.”

While Golic doesn’t play football anymore, he also played for two other NFL teams: the England Patriots and Los Angeles Raiders.

After retiring in 1992, he played a steroid-using NFL player in the comedic sports TV series Coach and a footballer-turned-hunky resident advisor in the mid-1990s series Saved by the Bell: The College Years. He was also Vice President of Football Operations in the Lingerie Football League (an actual thing for straight dudes that existed from 2009 to 2012 and was exactly what it sounded like).

Sadly, Golic is now a Trump supporter and a talk radio host in Akron, Ohio. Meanwhile, the Game Boy and its many accessories are either rotting in landfills or highly-priced in eBay auctions.

But if there’s one lesson we can take from Golic’s long-forgotten print ad, it’s this: More gaming ads should feature men grabbing for one another. It makes queer men sit up and take notice — this article is living proof.

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