I recently texted a friend to ask how things were going between him and his new man. They’d been dating for around four months.
It turns out things were not ideal. My friend said his man liked to abstain from sex for periods of time, believing it “helped with the mind and body, etc.” Understandably, this was leaving my friend somewhat frustrated.
My first thought was to tell him: “That’s a bullshit excuse. This guy’s just not that into you!”
Instead, on this occasion, I held my tongue. Firstly, I didn’t want to upset my buddy further than he already was with a blunt text message. Secondly, I thought it wise not to rush to judgment. I don’t know his boyfriend or how genuine his beliefs may be. Maybe he honestly believes stuff like that.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Perhaps he knows something I don’t?
As it turns out, if he does, then he knows something no-one else seems to know. Looking into it, finding any evidence for the supposed benefits of sexual abstention is very hard indeed. In fact, study after study has found the opposite: regular orgasms are good for your health.
Regular sex has been linked to lower blood pressure, lower stress levels, better sleep, and an improved immune system. A 2017 study found that regular sex was linked to less heart disease in women in later life.
A 2004 study of 30,000 men made headlines when it found that men who ejaculated more than 21 times per month had a lower risk of prostate cancer than men who ejaculated 4–7 times per month.
The researchers followed up their study participants ten years later and found their initial results still held true.
Regular sex or masturbation is also believed to help delay the onset of erectile dysfunction: A case of “use it or lose it,” perhaps.
That’s all strong encouragement to keep having sex, or pleasuring yourself, regularly.
On the other hand, not having sex isn’t uncommon and certainly shouldn’t be regarded as weird. A 2017 study in the US found 15% of men and 27% of women had not had sex in the previous year, while 9% of men and 17.5% of women hadn’t had sex for the past five years.
Both groups – those having sex and those not having sex – reported similar levels of happiness. So, although regular sex can help lower stress, it doesn’t mean that going without will increase it. It really comes down to the individual and what they want. And there certain times in everyone’s life when it’s not a bad idea to take a break.
Related: I can’t stop buying male escorts and think I’m getting addicted. Help!
Despite these studies, one still hears of sexual abstention as something higher-minded or noble. Legend has it that boxer Muhammed Ali went six weeks before a fight without sex, in the belief it improved his performance. However, even these notions around sports performance have been largely debunked.
The average sex session burns roughly the same amount of calories as climbing two flights of stairs. It can even boost testosterone levels in men, which some scientists think improves sports performance.
Given all this consistent evidence about the benefits of sex and orgasm, ideas about abstinence may be rooted in something else: The belief that too much sex is wrong, sinful or dirty.
“This can be a loaded topic, especially for gay men, when sex may hold a history of stigma and shame,” Jeff Levy, a gay, Chicago-based psychotherapist, tells Queerty.
“When gay men navigate coming out and living life in a way that feels more integrated and authentic, suggesting someone abstain from sex can resonate with older feelings of guilt and shame.”
Can someone have too much sex?
Levy says he wouldn’t find it, “necessarily productive to suggest abstinence”, but that discussing sexual frequency with a client is something that may be explored.
“I might explore with a client the positive and negative consequences of the frequency with which they are engaging in sexual activity.
“Sometimes by having this kind of discussion, men see for themselves that the frequency and/or nature of their sexual activity merits change, and coming to this conclusion themselves is far more productive and less likely to result in a client feeling ‘shamed’ by their therapist.”
Nowadays, reputable psychologists and counselors do not use the term “sex addict” or refer to sex as an addiction.
That said, a therapist may well help someone if their sex life “has begun to impact other areas of life in unanticipated and problematic ways,” says Levy.
“For example, if someone has had multiple STIs, has placed himself in dangerous situations to connect with someone sexually, or has stopped engaging in other previously enjoyable activities to have sex, I might have a conversation about the extent to which this feels sustainable for him.”
Related: Gay and bi men are having more sex than ever despite the fact that we’re in the middle of a pandemic
Dominic Davies is a London-based psychotherapist, and the founder of Pink Therapy: a network of LGBTQ-friendly therapists. He agrees that if the amount of sex someone is having is leading to negative consequences, it’s something worth exploring.
“If your penis or balls are sore from compulsive use, from partnered sex or masturbation, then give it a rest,” Davies says, by way of one example.
“Sometimes guys get so high in chemsex chillouts they might not notice the pain and damage they’re causing to their sensitive equipment. Sometimes guys might turn to masturbation to alleviate their depression, loneliness or boredom and overdo things. If this happens, it’s recommended to give it a rest.”
He also points out some people may well include abstinence as part of their sexual fantasies.
“Some guys into Kink like to spend time locked in a chastity cage as a way of feeling controlled by their partner or perhaps to focus on being able to orgasm through prostate stimulation. If this is voluntary and not for extended periods, then this is fairly safe.”
He also says, “some guys find holding off on masturbation for a few days before having partnered sex means they feel hornier and produce a decent load.”
However, he notes that generally, he can’t think of any good reasons to abstain from sex. If you’re trying for a baby via a clinic or surrogacy, some fertility experts think ejaculating every 2-3 days can boost your sperm count. Others say ejaculating daily has no impact on sperm quality.
Obviously, if you’re diagnosed with a sexually-transmitted infection and advised not to have sex while you undergo treatment, that’s a good reason to enjoy some solo masturbation only. That’s the sure way to not pass on that infection to someone else.
However: “If you are advised to stop as part of a treatment plan for ‘porn or sex addiction’ then be advised that there have now been plenty of research studies to refute the existence of porn or sex is an addictive process, and you’re probably buying into some moralizing sex-shaming bullshit that masturbation is harmful,” says Davies, bluntly.
Levy adds that rather than sex itself being problematic, he meets some men whose search for sex may raise red flags. Guys who “spend inordinate amounts of time on social media or applications designed for hookups. In these instances, sexual activity isn’t necessarily the problem, but being glued to their phones or tablets in search of sex is more problematic.
“I have, at times, suggested strategies for reducing screen time without suggesting abstinence from sexual activity.”
Related: Older gay gentlemen offer 15 life lessons to their younger gay counterparts
I contacted my friend a couple of weeks later to see how he’s getting along and tell him there’s no good reason to abstain from sex.
Sadly, he tells me his new boyfriend dumped him.
Maybe I should have warned him, “He’s just not that into you” after all!
Chrisk
There’s a new fad on places like youtube called no fap. Basically masturbation is looked at as causing a multitude of problems like ED and low motivation in life. They think that your semen is some kind of life force and regularly spilling it makes you into less of a man. They get together and it’s like AA or NA talking about how long it’s been since they beat off. Usually you’ll find religion as a reason popping up in the comments though.
I think the only thing you have to be careful of is the over consumption of porn.
Cam
No doubt pushed by Evangelicals or Mormons.
Heywood Jablowme
The “Proud Boys” don’t approve of masturbation either.
Josh447
My take on this “fad” is that it’s for people who struggle with sex addiction and pornography. Excessive sexual simulation. Good for them if they can somehow balance out their intense over riding desires.
jeters
xmeet.fun – great project for adults who want to find a sexual partner!
Donston
Completely heterosexual, hetero-living, “straight” identifying men abstaining from sex and feeling to need for the world to desperately know is often veiled misogyny. This belief that engaging with women drain your vitality and that most women are succubus. Also, someone dudes just can’t get any, at least not from the women they want, aka incels.
A guy not wanting to do something with you could indeed be a sign that he’s not that into you, at least sexually. The dude may be homo-romantic/homo affectionate/gay commitment but may be sexually hetero-leaning or not just not all that sexual or full-on asexual. He could be dealing with sexual fluidity and contradictions. (Feeling wildly sexual for some periods and not so sexual for other stretches, or being more turned on by “twinks” for some stretches and “daddies” for other stretches, or more turned on by dudes for some stretches and more turned on by women during others. “Fluidity” and contradictions entail a lot of possible things). He could just not be that into bottoming but his partner is a top, not that into topping but his partner is a bottom. And if you have issues with extreme fluidity, hyper-sensitive sexuality, fetishes, paraphiliacs, porn addiction- I could see how abstaining for some periods may be helpful. There’s a lot of stuff that could be going on. But so many think male-male dating/relationships are all about sex. It’s okay to subvert that.
Cam
If his abstaining is for long enough periods that it is causing trouble in the relationship that sounds like there is a chance something going on.
He has an STD and is on anti-biotics, he is taking anti-depressants that mess up his ability to have sex and hasn’t told his partner, he’s cheating and doesn’t feel like having sex with him etc.
Otherwise, refusing to have sex for long periods when it is upsetting to your partner seems like a control move.
Donston
Eh, not wanting to sexually engage when your partner does not automatically equate to “wanting to control” someone or that they’re cheating on you. That’s a very basic ass way to look at sexuality, sexual desires, sexual behaviors and psychology. But yes, the STD/on antibiotics/anti-depressants/cheating are other things that can be going on along with the things I said. As I mentioned, there’s a lot that can be going on. And they don’t all have to do with someone being a “bad” person, cheating or not wanting you. But the weight we put on sexual behaviors and the assumptions some make due to them is kinda disturbing, especially if you’re older. Some of y’all do come off like those “queers” who don’t think about anything concerning themselves or others beyond sex.
Cam
@Donston
What an odd comment, it seemed like an excuse to attack people for not having the same opinion. So let’s try again.
If your behavior is hurting your partner and there isn’t a great medical reason for it, or if it is just for himself, then yeah, it’s a problem.
He can still kiss his partner, or give him an HJ while not engaging in having an orgasm himself if that’s the issue. Many people will go see a movie they don’t want to see, go to a party or event they don’t want to go to, because they’re partner wants to.
It isn’t a “Basic Ass” way of looking at things. If he knows his behavior is hurting the relationship, then not talking about it is being basic. He can have a discussion, see if there is a middle ground, and try to work it out. Or, you know, he could post here and distil any disagreement with him to an attack on others for “Only thinking about sex”.
Donston
Pretty much saying that the only reasons someone is abstaining from sex is because they want to control their partner or they’re cheating or they’re on antibiotics/depressants- it’s a very dangerous viewpoint, and it’s worth attacking. I don’t bother coming at many others because they’re obviously just being bitchy/catty or trolling.
Just when you aren’t out of pocket for a lil while, you end up saying problematic shit like that. You don’t really know what’s going on with someone’s psyche, sexuality, desires, libido or their lifestyle choices. You can make guesses. But stating those assumptions concerning strangers as if they are facts is dangerous. And you have that tendency of saying problematic, ignorant, embittered and/or broad-stroking shit but covering it up with a PC veil. And it’s very transparent.
Cam
@Donston
I offered multiple suggestions for the reasons. And I pointed out that if somebody is engaged in behavior that they know upsets the other partner and isn’t willing to discuss it, that is controlling behavior unless they are trying to hide something.
The only other excuse is that the complaining partner isn’t being honest about the situation.
Heywood Jablowme
“What an odd comment, it seemed like an excuse to attack people for not having the same opinion. So let’s try again.” … “He can have a discussion, see if there is a middle ground, and try to work it out. Or, you know, he could post here and distil any disagreement with him to an attack on others….”
Oh look, sweetie – the meanest, nastiest, most irrationally vicious commenter on Queerty is unfamiliar with irony? Obviously that PROVES he’s one of those “multiple right-wing accounts” we keep hearing about. 🙂
Cam
@Heywood Jablowme
If you’re trying to pretend you aren’t that same right wing troll account, it’s probably not a great idea to try to come on to posts of mine solely to attack me directly and then cry that I keep pointing out that you’re a right wing troll.
It kind of gives you away precious.
Heywood Jablowme
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. Cam/DCguy is hunting wabbits… wabbits with multiple scween names.
Cam/DCguy’s comments here obviously “prove” he’s not even gay (an accusation he made against me recently, and has made against many others here).
Cam/DCguy forgets he accused me recently of being the same person as… Donston.
Cam
@Heywood Jablowme
Translation: The right wing troll account, as usual, isn’t here to talk about the topic, but just playing out it’s obsession with anybody that exposes it’s trolling.
Nice to see I’m still living rent free in your head no matter what screename you’re using.
Now back to the topic. I still say that there is an issue in the relationship and it doesn’t seem like those two are very good communicators.
Heywood Jablowme
QUEERTY, please ban Cam/DCguy for his near-daily violations of the Queerty comment policy. Most of his comments are “mean-spirited” (as the policy says), nasty and irrational. His extreme obsession with “multiple screenames,” with which he hijacks innumerable threads, is obviously projection since he has done that himself. Due to his distinctive writing style – “sweetie,” “oh look,” and his obsession with multiple screen names – it was obvious DCguy was Cam and he’s never explained that, but he always expects others to respond to his hypocritical charges when he accuses them of the same thing. Queerty probably has access to our IP addresses and could confirm that many of these supposed “right-wing” accounts are Cam/DCguy arguing with himself.
TheAbsoluteTRUTH
Oh look it’s Cam “the everyone comments with multiple accounts guy. Actually it’s us the same 4 guys commenting on every story like we always do and Cam telling us we are all the same people. I swear dude you live in some alternate universe that you think it takes that many to clown you out. Your replies do that for you no need for us commenters to have to try that hard.
Cam
@Heywood Jablowme
LOL!!! You had to bring your “TheAbsoluteTruth” screename in here to back up your comments? LOL!! Just surprised you didn’t also bring in MissTerri to back yourself up.
radiooutmike
Masturbation has always gotten a bad rap.
Whether it’s ancient texts or new age mumbo-jumbo having sex with one’s self is often seen as a character weakness or anti-social behavior. We need to stop sex-shaming people over some natural things that other animals also do.
Also, there is no such thing as “sexual addiction”. There is nothing in the newest DSM V that describes that. Many sex-positive psychiatrists/therapists/psychologists will say that some of the people with “sexual addictions” are actually experiencing an OCD/OCD-type disorder.
That said, anything done with a compulsion (or in some cases not done) can affect a person’s relationships if the compulsion replaces what an actual human being could provide.
UlfRaynor
Congratulations, the only truly reasoned response not expounding a personal bias made so far in this comment section.
I would add only one thing as related to the post topic itself, the core problem is lack of communication .
Donston
I don’t really believe in “sex addictions”. But porn dependence and obsession, hyper-sensitive and hyper-active sexuality, extreme fluidity, being overwhelmed by your fetishes and paraphiliacs- these are very much real things. And they can have poor effects on some people’s decision making, partnerships and mental health. However, they’re rarely just about sex. There’s almost always other mental ailments going on. And to confront them one would probably have to confront a host of other things along with sex. So, abstinence isn’t really the cure. But if someone wants to resist sex and masturbation for whatever reasons then that’s their right and their business. It’s not really worth shaming anyone over. Respecting that is also an aspect of being “sex positive”. Being “sex positive” is not merely about promoting sexual behaviors.
storm45701
Porn dependency has become a huge issue for younger men, who have been raised in an era of easy access thanks to the internet. There are men that can’t experience stimulation unless watching porn. Having free reign to indulge in watching adult content night-after-night can really mess with the brain, as it begins to associate the sexual act with the vicarious thrill that porn provides.
Pornography can also lead to unrealistic expectations when the opportunity for sex arises. Sex is messy and not like the movies. That said, there’s nothing wrong with pornography in moderation, just as there’s nothing wrong with going to an all-you-can-eat buffet once in a while; it’s the constant consumption that becomes the problem.
mikenyc352
@storm45701
Can it though? Most of the studies and evidence that has posited these things about porn have been debunked, hence why the psychiatric and psychological professional communities don’t treat them as mental illnesses. Despite the work of religiously conservative communities to prove such links, they simply don’t exist. Watch as much porn as you want. Watch it while you have sex if you find that a turn on but let’s all definitely stop othogizing health sexual behavior.
Mister P
If at first you don’t succeed, suck and suck until you succeed.
Manrico Jimenez
Abstaining from sex for the past year has reduced my risk of contracting the Novel Coronavirus from casual sex encounters, and also allowed me to donate blood 3 going on 4 times.
MISTERJETT
no chance of getting an STD and for straight people, no chance of getting pregnant.
Fahd
There’s a lot of negative religious stuff associated with the label sex addiction, but if the psychiatrists recognized the addiction, there would be more opportunities for individuals who engage in compulsive sexual behavior to receive medical, scientifically based treatment paid for by the insurance companies. The psychiatrists who don’t want to recognize “sex addiction” are helping the insurance companies avoid paying for addiction-type treatment of compulsive sexual behavior,;they have to pay for drug or alcohol addiction treatment for example. Also, an employer has to treat an employee who turns out to be a drunk a lot better than an employee who gets arrested in a men’s room. Whether you call it compulsive sexual behavior or sex addiction, it still is a problem that destroys lives. Alcoholism was not always, but now, is considered a disease. If you can be addicted to gambling, I think you could potentially be addicted to sex.
mikenyc352
Except there isn’t scientifically backed evidence that there is such a thing as a sex addiction. Like any behavior it can be any generally healthy behavior it can be problematic, but calling it an addiction comes with treatment modalities useful for addiction. Treating something like an addiction that is like perscribing the wrong medication.
Fahd
@ Mike…
And you would know all that how? Gambling cannot be an addiction either? Are you an insurance company rep, coming in here months after the original article promoting the insurance line? Top psychiatrists argue about it, but you know. Exactly what I was talking about.
Josh447
Home of the skeksis.
Cam
This pseudo article was just posted a month or so ago. Why is it being recycled after only a month.
MissTerri
And yet here you are commenting on it!!!! Hi-LAR-ious!!!!!!!! DO get a hobby Dear!
Goforit
If having regular ejaculations is good for your health, I should live to about 300. Of course I can barely open my zipper with my left hand but I can crush a VW with my right. But then that’s a different conversation.
Centrism
I don’t entirely agree with this article. Excessive use of high-speed internet porn can lead to problems with your sexual health, both mental and physical, like ED and the need for extreme content due to desensitization over time. Contrary to what this article says, there is in fact academic research linking excessive masturbation to porn with detrimental neuroplastic changes in the brain and difficulty achieving erections with real-life partners and acquiring new and deviant fetishes, sometimes extreme ones.
Like with all things in life, moderation is key. Porn isn’t bad but it can’t be abused without consequence, just like food, alcohol etc. Hell, even too much water can kill you.
As a gay man, I’ve always found the mindlessly pro-porn, pro-promiscuity stance of some in the gay community to be misguided and a shallow form of ‘liberation’.
Cam
@Centrism said….
“I don’t entirely agree with this article. Excessive use of high-speed internet porn can lead to problems with your sexual health,”
This is literally word for word out of the Mormon and Evangellical playbook. Even adding in the “High Speed” part.
GayEGO
Have sex whenever you feel like it, we are all different and must deal with our own body feelings.
JRamonMc
FYI, the whole concept that ejaculations greater than 21 times a month reduces your chances of prostate cancer is bullshit. Just saying, personal experience.
twomen4u
I will only speak from personal experience. At 76 and 70, my husband and I have found for us not having sex for 3-4 days increases our response to each other as we go after each other like wildcats. Recently my husband had some dental work done due to a loose and infected tooth. We respected each other for a week and I can speak from experience that we were acting like two 40 year old’s. Do what is best for your situation, for some going without will increase the intensity of sex and others will be so frustrated nothing works.
Prowelsh56
sahme guy in first photo LEFT…I could romp with him..lol