A 30-year-old bisexual man in Michigan recently wrote Dear Abby asking for advice about his queerphobic family.
The unnamed man is dating a bisexual woman his same age who he considers “The One.” He wrote, “To us, we are two queer people who have identified as some form of queer or bisexual since we were teenagers.”
The only problem is that his mom perceives him and his girlfriend to be straight. His mom also has a best friend who is “extremely homophobic,” loudly voicing her bigoted views at his parents’ holiday parties and bragging proudly about her votes against same-sex marriage.
“My mother is extremely defensive about her friend,” the man wrote. “She didn’t take it kindly when I told her I deserve an apology for having to sit through this woman’s homophobic diatribes given that I am LGBTQ myself. ”
Adding to the issue, the man also has “conservative family members and family friends” who have also responded meanly to his and his girlfriend’s bisexuality.
The man asked the advice columnist how he can kindly explain to his mom that he and his girlfriend are not straight, that he feels intensely uncomfortable around her bestie, and that he’d like to keep homophobic family members and friends out of his wedding, which he plans on having in the next couple of years.
The advice columnist advised that the man simply explain his feelings to his mom “in plain English” and to plan his wedding himself so he can control the guest list. But his advice-seeking letter points to a larger issue of biphobia and bi-erasure in both the heterosexual and LGBTQ communities.
In a 2018 profile of Dr. Brian Dodge, a lead researcher on bisexuality and the health disparities they face, Dodge said “the vast majority” of biphobia he faces comes from gay and lesbian people.
A 2013 Pew survey found that bisexual people come out at rates three times less often than gay men, have four times fewer LGBTQ-identified friends than gay men, and report higher levels of societal mistrust than gay men. This is because of “monosexism” — prejudice against those who are attracted to more than one gender —and negative stereotypes that cast bi people as confused, deceitful, ultra-slutty, or trying to benefit from “straight/passing privilege.”
In actuality, such “privilege” actually adds extra stress to bi people — especially when they’re dating some of the same sex — because they have to repeatedly come out as queer when others mistakenly assume they’re straight. Other queer people will often make biphobic comments or ignorantly claim that bi people don’t actually exist.
As a result, research suggests that bi people stay closeted because of the discrimination they face from other queer people and face more health disparities and mental illness than gay people.
While the advice seeker wanted help with his biphobic family, the rest of the queer community has its own biphobia to face, lest it keep harming our bi siblings.
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Donston
I came for cheesy, probably made up drama. Instead more than half of the article was very dated “bi’ people are treated so horribly” mess. This isn’t 2016. It’s time to move on from that basic agenda.
Yes, people who are inherently bisexual/pansexual or who experience degrees of fluidity are more likely to deal with mental health struggles or sociological discomfort. Some of that has to with not feeling like you belong anywhere. However, it has less to do with “gays” attacking them/not accepting them and more to do with the higher likelihood of past traumas or disorders. While a large percentage of “bi pride” or DL guys couldn’t care less about being embraced by “gays” outside of sexual or money purposes. And this site (as well as many other queer sites) refuse to tackle how bi/pan guys are quite a bit more likely to contend with internalized phobias, gay resentments, masculine insecurities, or indulge homo shaming.
Yes, there are people in every demo who are immature or “problematic”. But as an inherently pan-sexual person, it really is annoying that these sites continue to push nuance-less agendas and perspectives. There are real convo’s to have about sexuality, dimensions, identities, sociology, mental health, ego, the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum. Instead, these sites just focus on basic shaming.
DarkZephyr
I don’t remember if you were here when he was around, but I will never forget how nasty that bisexual identified “Masc4Masc” jerk was a few years back at this site. He was always fem shaming and bragging about having sex with multiple women at a time, but he would tell us that he would only sleep with ultra masculine guys like himself (at least he claimed to be “masculine”). He seemed to have a lot of contempt for the gay men he slept with, even if they were super masculine.
Donston
I can somewhat recall that poster. But with a handle name like that I knew not to read most of their posts. Honestly, a lot of guys who are both homosexual and gay-presenting fem shame or view being “straight passing” as some type of ambition and accomplishment. This is also a place (like many places on the internet) that have a lot of trolls who come up with personas just to get a rise out of people. And many people who posts here (once again, like all over the internet) aren’t actually out and have a lot of insecurities.
Im just tired of sites like this thinking that caping up for “bi guys” means shaming gay-presenting guys for not showing enough “support”. It’s a very basic view of things and is “problematic” and homophobic in its own way. At the same time they don’t want to confront stuff that we see from many queers (especially bi, pan, fluid presenting guys) like hetero privilege, convenient queerdom, on purpose ambiguity for image and social reasons, internalized phobias, gay resentments, homo shaming, misandry/misogyny, masculine insecurities, using non homo behaviors or a non gay identity to feel special or superior. Just like there’s a refusal to truly dig into the specifics of sexuality, fluidity, hyper-sexuality, paraphiliacs, ego, traumas, mental health, preferences, love, relationships, the spectrum. The big picture is lot more complicated and clumsy and individual. These type of basic and shame peddling articles are not helpful.
Neoprene
“There are real convo’s to have about sexuality, dimensions, identities, sociology, mental health, ego, the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum.”
Are you wasted when you write these posts and go on these comma binges?
Diplomat
Neo, agreed, it’s a very tired one man statement, severely over it.
Cam
@Neoprene and @Diplomat
LOL!!! Seriously? You are STILL trying to use old, already exposed screenames from your right wing troll self to support your own comments? Your insecurity and weak trolling is delicious.
DarkZephyr
@Donston
I agree with quite a lot of what you say here. Its interesting how it seems we are celebrating this “I don’t want to put labels on myself” ideology which while it may be sincere with some, is just a reluctance to identify in any way with being gay in many others. I feel like what we once collectively frowned on as homophobic and self-loathing and maybe even lacking bravery has been spin-doctored into something that we are now told we have to celebrate and support lest we be accused of trying to “put people into boxes”.
There seems to be this strange desire with some folks to want to identify as “queer” and be a part of the LGBTQ+ community while also staying as far away as possible from identifying as flat out “gay”. Its weird. But I think you hit the nail on the head with what you mentioned as “hetero privilege” and “convenient queerdom”. I will have to borrow “convenient queerdom”.
FROLIC
That’s sad. Nobody who has differing sexual expression should be treated as “less than” or confused, especially coming from within our own community. I admit that I am a Kinsey 6 (100% gay), and although I don’t quite know what it might feel like to be somewhere else on the range of sexuality, I’m willing to support other LGBTQ+ folks for who and where they are. All we need is compassion. That’s all I was looking for when I came out.
LegionKeign
Kinsey 6 here and also longtime Queerty reader. This site’s commenters have been by and large mostly anti-anything NOT strictly GAY. I’ve never been to a Gay site with so animosity towards Bisexuals. It’s sad but not surprising when you remember that most of the posters are actually the same mentally unbalanced loon using multiple screen names.
Stan H
When your an adult you do not have to spend the holidays with family. YOU NEED TO STAND YOUR GROUND. I have passed on many family get togethers because I truly hate some of my family. When your family doesn’t stick up for you then its time to create a family.
nm4047
Apart from what appears to be a made up agony aunt story, vast majority of gay men don’t identify with ‘bi’ men.
Caelestius
Wow, I hear a lot of dismissiveness going on here. How can a bunch of Kinsey 6s be so knowledgeable about bisexuality, or the adversity Bi men and women face in resolutely gay circles? Even if your pronouncements are correct there’s no particular point wrapping them in lectures, or delivering them as invitations to leave the party.
I’m gay-identified but definitely not a “six.” I have two kids, and independent of that fact also sometimes love sex with women. And even without calling myself Bi, I’ve been appalled at the willingness of other gay men to launch into revulsion mode–“Yuk, I can’t stand the thought of a naked woman in my bed,” or “I hate kids as much as I hate women.” And so on. The experience of the Michigan man above isn’t surprising to me and it doesn’t sound dated, either, especially after reading the comments here.
I think our community would be stronger if everyone’s experience was respected, and no-one felt their inborn desires were doubted in their authenticity. Ironically, or not, I’ve also felt that in spite of my total political agreement with Me-Too, BLM and the Trans-Rights movements, their appetite for (yep, for, not from) microgressions induces sporadic incarnation as The Woke Folk, who find lots to disparage in the “Gs” & “Bs” of LGBTQI.
The balkanization of erstwhile comrades creates unhealthy, paradoxical effects on un-effeminate, low-melanin, sometimes adventurous but basically unremarkable, eponymous gay or bi men of the original “gay rights. movement. Just standing still can get us G & B men the impurity brush-off from gay male isolationists, then blame-shame original-sin surveillance from anti-privilege agents and then if they still see signs of life, a cancellation squad swoops in from Woke R Us to remind us how not useful “old, white guys” are to the marginalized masses.
And if you’ve never been marginalized by people who stake out claims as “the MOST marginalized,” then you’ve got a strangely sad, and strangely not very queer, experience ahead.
Cam
Translation: The story is about a bisexual man feeling attacked by bigoted relatives and a new screename comes out and uses it as an excuse to attack the LGBTQ community.
As always, and under all of your screenames, your trolling is sad and weak.
DarkZephyr
“‘Yuk, I can’t stand the thought of a naked woman in my bed,’ or ‘I hate kids as much as I hate women.’”
What an exaggeration. I call bullsh**. This is NOT the attitude of most gay men.
Prax07
Hmmm…dude is in a hetero marriage with his wife, and he’s upset his family can’t help but think he’s straight? Just another Bi guy showing the world he’s in a hetero normative marriage and he expects a different outcome of peoples view on him? This is why I can’t stand Bi guys.
MDWolf12
I think another way to look at it is that a bi man is in a hetero relationship (we dont knwoow if they bring others into their bed as it is not the point of hte article).
Either way he is looking to stand up for the queer community to bigotted people with no possible personal gain. I think that is a good thing, even if he never has or will be in a homosexual interaction. I know several bi people that are currently in hetero relationships. doesn’t mean they havent been or will again be in homosexual realtionships.
Cam
This seems like a phony put up story, if it’s real, don’t invite the homophobes to the wedding, if your family is paying for it and demands that they come, have a small ceremony you don’t need their money for.
sfhairy
Because of course, the “bi” guy is in a cis-hetero relationship with another “bi” woman. I would believe it if he were in a relationship with a man and had relations with a woman on the side.
DarkZephyr
There are rarely stories done on bi men in relationships with men, it seems.
Heron
In this situation I’d elope. No need to invite anyone you dont want to.