Off-Broadway producer and film director Fred Caruso died Monday in an apparent suicide in Las Vegas at age 41, leaving behind a final farewell on the Facebook page of his 2009 film, The Big Gay Musical.
Caruso, who was also involved with creating the Off-Broadway hit Newsical, said in the note that he had found peace before his death. He also details the years of inner turmoil he’s endured, and that he’d attempted suicide just one week earlier by taking 30 Ambien.
In the note, he reiterates that he was confident in his decision to take his own life, after trying his best to “deal with this.” He also asks if anyone wishes to take action, to send a donation to the Trevor Project, “where they help people that can helped.”
You can read the full note below:
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Billy Budd
I don’t know anything about him. Was he gay?
DDstar1me
This is so sad. It seems to me, he never really allowed himself to be happy. Jesus, I hope I am never this unhappy. The worst part of this entire thing are the grammatical errors and poor sentence structure.
My god. This poor man tackled demons. R.I.P
Billy Budd
Yes, it is a sinister message. He was probably deeply depressed and antidepressants probably didn’t work for him. He was really determined, it is impressive and horrible.
Billy Budd
But was he gay?
Southstguy
He was gay and a very troubled man. I knew Fred for several years and he seemed to have serious demons.
rephello
Godspeed friend I never had a chance to meet. And despite your inability to believe in it, you seemed to have an amazing heart that someone could have loved.
mcflyer54
Sounds like clinical depression with no successful treatment. Not to imply that he didn’t attempt treatment only that his treatments failed to correct, reduce or moderate his depression. As one who suffers from severe bouts of depression, if that was his battle, I absolutely understand both the struggle and the solution (suicide). Aside from the grief of losing a loved one, those left behind are often fraught with guilt believing there was something they failed to do, or could have done, to change the outcome. Truthfully there is rarely any “blame” to assign as the final decision rests solely with the individual themself.
Bryguyf69
I don’t know how much of his post is serious and how much is bitchy humor, but he seemed pretty bitter and beyond help (because he didn’t want it). The first sentence suggests that he was obsessed with Sanders, and placed all his hopes in a Sanders victory. When reality set in — Sanders’ California loss — he fell hard. My guess is that loss proved to be the final straw and eventual trigger for suicide.
I fear that his suicide won’t be the last. Sanders has a cult of personality, with some followers bordering on the delusional. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I see cultlike devotion from some (i.e. “I will vote for whoever Bernie tells me to!”). So when he finally drops out, I can definitely see some turning to violence. For some, the violence is inward, aka suicide.
onthemark
@DDstar1me: “The worst part of this entire thing are the grammatical errors and poor sentence structure.”
Seriously, that’s what jumped out at you?
DDstar1me
@onthemark…Yup!
startenout
@Bryguyf69: Actually, he says he’s starting with comedy because that’s the way he is and is trying to diffuse what is going to be a very sad message. He also says that he has been coping with these feelings for decades. Much longer than some stupid election.
@DDstar1me: And that bit of snarky dismissal is why people suffering from depression, especially gay men, turn to drugs, alcohol and suicide instead of seeking help from friends who they suspect (accurately in your case) will just mock their issue. SMGDH
It’s like what happened to our community Sunday did nothing to bring it together. B*tche$ will always be b*tche$
woodroad34
This makes my heart sink like a stone. To imagine someone with so much humor in him but that it couldn’t translate into happiness for him is incredibly sad. I keep thinking if I could recognize this in someone else and how I would help them. I’m very sorry for his family and friends.
He BGB
Thank you for publishing the letter in its entirety. The only comment I will add is that he said he doesn’t want a memorial or funeral because he hated that but memorials and funerals are for those left behind grieving to get through it, not the dead loved one so much although one can also say it’s for the dead, if you like.
andy_d
@startenout: Thank you for your comment. I knew Fred. He did, indeed, have demons and coped with them as well as he could. He had a sense of humor that could be caustic, but he was never intentionally cruel that I know of. He is missed by many of us who knew him in NYC and we all hope that he has found peace.
andy_d
@woodroad34: As someone else said, he tried, for many many years, to turn things around where his depression and despair were concerned. Please rest assured, that friends DID try, but were, ultimately unsuccessful. Sometimes things are what they are and should be acknowledged as such.
@He BGB: His request was for those of us who knew him was to listen to Liza and have a glass of red wine. As someone who knew him, I think this is a fitting memorial.
barkomatic
This is sad. I’m also lonely and he looked handsome. It’s frustrating. I guess it was more complicated than that though but I’m not ready to give up. I’m too stubborn. I’ve determined this life is a head game that I will win.
KDub
Seems rather shady that he would recommend people send donations to The Trevor Project…in a suicide note.
Billy Budd
@barkomatic: You should not give up because things can ALWAYS get better in the future. I had depression in the past and it is gone now. It is foolish to follow your instincts, even if your torture has lasted a long time. There is always tomorrow.
ScottOnEarth
@DDstar1me: You are part of the problem. You are not funny. You are not clever. You are not charming. You are just part of the problem.
Masc Pride
This guy was obviously neglecting serious mental illness. Seems like he was holding on to a lot of anger too.
@Billy Budd: Things can ALWAYS get worse too.
Doughosier
As a creative person who loves Liza Minnelli and supports Bernie Sanders, this was hard to read. I always believe ‘when things are good, they get worse, but when they’re bad they get better’ The knowledge that all luck eventually changes keeps me hanging on when things are bad. He seems to have known what he wanted however. I still wish he had held on though. It’s iver in the blink of an eye anyway.
Record Man
@andy_d:
Since you knew Fred personally, could you tell us what those demons were?
Other than a mention of loneliness, the article doesn’t say why he was so deeply troubled, and I’d really like to know.
Record Man
Good night, sweet prince.
Billy Budd
@Record Man: You can become very depressed without any apparent cause. It is just your neurons and their neurotransmitters. Nothing else.
CarlIsle
This goes to show that happiness comes from within. No amount of success can make a person happy if things aren’t “right” on the inside.
silveroracle
Such a shame and so young. I hope that he has found peace.
I, too, suffer from depression. There are bad days but I push through and try to keep moving on.
arthurb3
Sad, another example of the need for mental health services in the USA and possibly suffering from internalized homophobia. Happiness comes from inside and not from anything on the outside – no person or material object. Sad.
onthemark
@andy_d: Since you knew him, can you say how seriously we should take this paragraph of his?:
“To be clear – I haven’t forgiven anyone. All the grudges I’ve carried for years – I continue to carry. To those people I hate – I hope I have the ability to haunt you for the rest of your lives.”
I HOPE this is an example of his “caustic humor”? I mean, jeez, even Batman doesn’t have that many enemies!
GayEGO
So sad. He must have been born with the inability to resolve problems that most of us have. Perhaps he was homophobic, I have known just one who was gay and hated himself so much he burned himself up in his won house.
Chris
I rewatched Big Gay Musical; it was both funny and moving. Sorry to see him go. But humor that hides a deep depression seems more common than I thought.
Johnathan
@onthemark: PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE WHY HE KILLED HIMSELF. JUDGEMENTAL DOUCHE BAGS. PUTTING DOWN SOMEONES GRAMMAR IN A SUICIDE NOTE. NO CLASS, NO COMPASION, HEARTLESS, SHAME ON YOU.
Johnathan
@ScottOnEarth: BRAVO!!! WELL SAID!!! AGREE WITH YOUNTOTALLY!!!
1EqualityUSA
Is the photograph, above, the one he posted? This photo is captivating, in its contradictory muscle masses. If I focus on the left eye long enough, the face changes and the smile drops. I may be sleep deprived. Try it. Stare at the left eye. Perhaps I have worked too hard this week, way too many hours. I was able to see it again, a second time, and it spooked me. I don’t know who this gentleman is, but I hope his passing brought him peace. His photo is like one of those paintings where the eyes follow the viewer. Did he post this photo? Some of the comments above are insightful. I apologize, if sharing my experience with the photo seems disparaging. I don’t mean it to be. The photo was mighty. It’s a powerful image. I don’t have the courage to do it a third time. My dogs and cats are sleeping. I think I’ll take their lead. Have a good day, Queertiers.
onthemark
@Johnathan: I wasn’t the one criticizing his grammar. That was @DDstar1me:
Jaroslaw
@KDub: Why is it shady? he said to send contributions to the Trevor project to help those who CAN be helped. He apparently could not be. Seems though if he’s going to leave a note, that he’d be a bit more clear on why but suicide of course, is his choice.
Jaroslaw
@Bryguyf69: He did not kill himself over Bernie’s victory totally or even in part. He just said he “won’t be sending anymore Bernie _____, not because he supports Hillary, its because he won’t be alive.” In other words, it is no longer relevant. That also means he’s been inundating his friends trying to convince them to vote Bernie. Nothing more.
Dirtybird_Mary
Never heard of him, but it’s all the way round sad. At least he didn’t go out in some spectacle like jumping off a freeway overpass, trying to take other innocent people with him.
The part about him hoping “to be able to haunt” people, kinda haunts me!
MarioSmario
this is what happens when you watch too much of The View.
greenturbohog
Hope you found peace while you are burning in hell..
MyDadPulledOut
Let me guess….meth?
MyDadPulledOut
“I’m always waiting for someone to stab me in the back” …yep, he knew the gay community well.
Billysees
@barkomatic:
” I’ve determined this life is a head game that I will win. ”
@Billy Budd:
” @barkomatic: You should not give up because things can ALWAYS get better in the future. I had depression in the past and it is gone now. It is foolish to follow your instincts, even if your torture has lasted a long time. There is always tomorrow. ”
@silveroracle:
” I, too, suffer from depression. There are bad days but I push through and try to keep moving on. ”
@GayEGO:
” So sad. He must have been born with the inability to resolve problems that most of us have. ”
Those are the comments that stood out to me about the subject matter of depression and suicide. I also know quite a lot about depression but it’s all gone now but it took many years (8 years or so) for it to go away. Billy Budd called it torture which is another very accurate way of describing it. Wow, I thought it’d never leave me. The reasons might not be well understood by many here, but I wrestled with powers of darkness or what was simply Satan himself. He was trying to huff and puff and blow me down and I thought he might succeed too.
Experiences involving spirituality are difficult to explain to others. The Bible said it best to me —
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places…….Ephesians 6:12
I can’t explain that because I don’t fully understand it. My depression was caused by ‘an enemy’, who nearly constantly harassed me. It was awful. I thank the Holy Spirit for keeping me sane while all of that stuff was going on.
Finally, I don’t want to talk too much about all of this. I don’t want to sound like I’m preaching or anything. But let me say this. I’ve almost always been content and very satisfied with being gay, even since my teen years. It’s a great mindset that ‘satisfies’. And I’m grateful I’m happy with myself about being gay.
Queerlover69
That’s very sad. Now he’ll never find peace. No offense intended Not knowing what’s & who’s on the other side of his death. Pray for his friend’s & family to find peace & God in the midst of this as long as it takes for them to find closer. I’ve been through my dad’s suicide.It ain’t a party.That’s for sure. God loves you for what you are not what you are.Trust Jesus to be with you & while you walk through it.Cry, let it out.Don’t blame God. Blame the devil.
norsequeen
I have suffered from chronic depression & anxiety with suicidal thoughts & attempts for at least 65 of my 70 years here. I tried all of the ways known to rid myself of it & one time I had a pretty great 5 years, followed by a pretty awful 7. The only reason that I’m not dead by now is that I have an insatiable curiosity about what will happen next. Through it all, I’ve managed to have many adventures & made some dreams come true. For the last several years, it’s been rearing its extremely ugly head, to the point that the days that I don’t feel like dying are way fewer than the days I’m happy to be alive.
I understand Mr. Caruso’s feelings & his actions. Nobody who has never felt the horrible grip of fucked up brain chemistry can possibly get this. I stay alive, hoping that one day some magical cure will be found. And because I currently have 4 cats, 1 dog, & 3 foster kittens who depend on me to be here to feed them & clean up after them. I have no friends on whom I can count to be there when I’m not doing so well; all of my true friends have died. I also have Asperger’s, because depression wasn’t enough to set me apart from humans. So I’ve been different my whole life & finding people who “get” me becomes more difficult the older I get. Besides there is that anxiety that keeps me from being very social. As far as I’m concerned, depression like this is a terminal illness, only I get to choose when I terminate.
I hope that Mr. Caruso has found peace in death, because for some of us, there’s not much to be found inside our heads. RIP
Luna1979
Norsequeen, I know you wrote this a year ago, so I hope you will see it so much later. My partner is also very deeply depressed and we’ve been through a lot. We rescue cats and travel often. We’re basically quiet, sincere people who aren’t very social. I would like to offer my honest friendship to you, just because we could all use a few more people who understand and to share life’s small happinesses. [email protected].
CopperTigerr
You saved my life the other day Fred, I didn’t even know you were dead until days later. You always said that it was going to end on your terms. You were well loved, I wish you could see that. You’re on People magazine even! You would have completely LOVED that. I’ll tell Pete hello for you. I know you have finally found peace, I will miss you… Very much.
Billysees
@norsequeen:
I read your comment with much interest.
” I have suffered from chronic depression & anxiety with suicidal thoughts & attempts for at least 65 of my 70 years here. ”
Aren’t there new and modern medications that can help your depression?
” …one time I had a pretty great 5 years, followed by a pretty awful 7. ”
So it comes and goes. That sounds like a good sign…it’s not chronic.
” … I currently have 4 cats, 1 dog, & 3 foster kittens who depend on me to be here to feed them & clean up after them. ”
That’s really an important responsibility. My cat ‘Smarty’ is a rescue cat and may well have been in a foster home when he was a kitten being taken care of by someone like yourself, doing what you’re doing.
” As far as I’m concerned, depression like this is a terminal illness… ”
I’m 71 and suffer from COPD, which is a terminal illness that’ll finish me off in due time. Scary to think about it, winding up in a hospital on a ventilator machine or something. I’m mighty grateful for my Symbicort and Combivent Respimat inhalers that enable me to get around and go to the store and stuff, but they’ll one day stop doing their thing and then what? I hate to think about it.
There’s a verse I recall that goes like this, although out of context for the way I’m using it here, but I use it anyhow — ‘Gird up the loins of your mind and hope to the end’. Hope? What’s that mean when you’re suffering? I guess it could mean hoping that our remaining days are happy ones, as much is possible.