A gay man has appealed to the wisdom of gay sex therapist Dan Savage for advice on a most unusual situation. His bisexual boyfriend admitted to having a threesome with the gay man’s parents.
“I’m a 24-year-old gay man with a 31-year-old bi boyfriend,” the man, identified as I Knew He Was Into Blondes writes. “I’ve known since we got together that he’s a lot more sexually experienced than I am, but it’s never been a big deal before now. This weekend, he met my parents for what we thought would be the first time. But it turns out that 10 years ago, during his ‘big bi slut phase’ (his words), they had a threesome. I recognize that no one did anything wrong — they were three consenting adults — and it’s not like anyone could’ve known that he and I would get together in the future. But also, my boyfriend fucked my parents! I’m mortified, he’s mortified, they’re mortified, and I may never be able to look at my parents again.”
“Please help us find a way to move past this,” he pleads.
Savage responds by pointing out he’s written his syndicated column, Savage Love, for almost 30 years. Just when he thought he’d heard everything, IKHWIB actually surprised him.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
“I can still be surprised. Thank you for that,” Savage begins. “If couples in their 40s with teenage children at home are gonna have threesomes with guys in their 20s — and some are — there will always be a hard-to-quantify-but-nevertheless-ineliminable risk that their children, once grown, could wind up meeting and f*cking and even falling in love one of the guys their parents had a threesome with back in the day.”
Savage then shares that he actually shared IKHWIB’s query on Twitter, where it attracted some advice from an unlikely source: former Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges.
“If they’ve been able to laugh about this, that’s a good sign,” Hodges suggested. “It might be a while before he can look at his boyfriend and not think about his parents having sex. That’s a tough thing to navigate, but laughter helps.”
“He has to ask himself if the boyfriend is worth it,” Hodges continued. “Everything really depends on the strength of their connection — which will have to be weighed against whatever tension now exists between IKHWIB, his boyfriend, and his parents. Can they navigate that tension? If any of them feel bad (as opposed to mortified) about what happened and they aren’t motivated to work through this and don’t have the tools for doing so, this will go sideways.”
“Having that conversation,” Hodges concluded, “which I know sounds dreadful — could actually help them think about this less, especially if they get to a point where they can laugh about the insanity and awkwardness of the situation they’ve all found themselves in.”
Savage then comes to the point.
“You can laugh about this until you pass out, IKHWIB, but if you can’t suck your boyfriend’s c*ck without thinking about your dad sucking your boyfriend’s c*ck, you may not be able to get past this,” he offers. “If you can’t look at your mom without thinking about her sitting on your boyfriend’s face, you might not be able to get past this. If you can’t take your boyfriend’s load without thinking about the load he dropped in your mom or your dad or both (21-year-olds have great stamina and such short refractory periods), you might not be able to get past this. You might be able to, like Hodges says, think about this less.”
Related: Dan Savage’s Take Down Of Log Cabin Republicans Is Epic
“While I’m doubtful there’s a memory hole out there big enough to stuff this in and tight enough to prevent it from falling right back out, IKHWIB, perhaps your parents have already shown you how it’s done,” Savage then points out. He goes on to recall the double standard his mother had after he came out: his mom could handle meeting his brother’s girlfriends, but not Dan’s boyfriends, as she couldn’t help but picture them having sex. Savage suggests that time might help everyone move past the awkwardness.
“If the parents of gay and straight kids can pretend not to know what they damn well do know, i.e., that their grown children are sexually active adults now,” Savage concludes, “and if they can learn not to torture themselves with unwelcome mental images of our partners f*cking the sh*t out of us, IKHWIB, it seems to me that we should be able to do the same for them: recognize that our parents are sexual beings and at the same time expunge all unwelcome mental images from our minds. Yours is a much heavier lift than most, I realize, but if your boyfriend is worth it, IKHWIB, you at least gotta try.”
“You’re not the first person whose parents…well, let’s not say your parents fucked you up,” Savage then adds. “Instead, let’s say you’re not the first person whose parents were a little extra. Good luck.”
We think IKHWIB will need it.
Chrisk
Savage’s analogy of his mom not getting over him and his boyfreind having sex was spot on. It’s weird that people obsess on others sex life.
cuteguy
Move on. This is f-Ed up and beyond weird.
Donston
Once again, you have to question the validity of the story. It does seem that there’s this attempt to get as outrageous as possible in these advice columns and Reddit threads. And the timing for everything in this story is just too perfect in every way. However, shit like this does happen. I know for me, this just wouldn’t be something I could move on from with my relationship intact. It’s not anyone’s fault, especially isn’t the fault of the person in their early 20s just “having fun”. I suppose if you really love your partner and want to make it work, you can remember that sex is just sex. For many people, it doesn’t mean much of anything. You can remember that your partner seems to love you and seems to have been honest with you thus far. But unless you get off on paraphiliacs like that (as some do), this is difficult to move on from no matter how mature you are.
RandomGuy
Leave him and move very far away from your parents.
SDR94103
so disgusting.
Terrycloth
He never knew his parents were swingers ? Growing up never had the various types of sexuality talks ? Firstly , I could never date a bisexual person knowing if he wants the opposite sex every now and then .but that’s on you..I couldn’t be with him anymore after finding out he was with my parents .and I’m sure as hell not going to talk about it with them. ..thanksgiving might be off this year
TMBisAOK
Not sure what whether him knowing his parents were swingers or not actually has to do with the story and isnt even brought up. Whether he knew or not, the horrible feelings of the situation are the same. I agree with your other points. I mean, really, who is the one that spilled the “should have been left unspoken” beans anyhow?
cassiew
Honest question re: “I could never date a bisexual person knowing if he wants the opposite sex every now and then”… don’t you think a monosexual person might want different sex every now and then? It doesn’t mean in either of these scenarios your partner would cheat on you. Just because folks are in a relationship doesn’t mean they are blind… I don’t see what bisexuality has to do with it.
– A very monogamous bi
CMath90606
AMEN! This happened when he was 14? Me, myself an I have been Gay since the age of 12 and I am 69 now. I have never been involved with a Bi man, (that I honestly knew was Bi). I would drop the guy, move as far away from my parents and pursue therapy as fast as possible!!
deann
“Don’t you thing that monosexual want a different sex now and then”, sorry Cassiew but some people are just gay and don’t want a different sex, stop obsessing about gay guys turnig straight!
Mattster
No, he probably did not know, most parents don’t talk in detail about their sex lives with their children, especially if it involves people outside the marriage. “Sex talk” with the kids generally focuses on how reproduction works and how to avoid diseases or unwanted pregnancy.
I don’t know why people discard bisexual people for reasons like this. Someone who’s gay is attracted to more than just YOU specifically, they are attracted to others of your gender. So this guy’s gay boyfriend would have had sex with his dad only, is that so different?
dbmcvey
Why would he know his parents are swingers and what would that have to do with the weirdness of his boyfriend sleeping with his parents?
Dr Sarah
@Deann: Think you missed Cassiew’s point. Terrycloth said he could never date a bisexual person ‘knowing if he wants the opposite sex every now and then’, and Cassiew was pointing out that *anyone* you date is probably going to sometimes think about having sex with someone else (not in the sense that they’d do it, just in the sense of feeling attraction or having some thoughts about it), so that’s not a very good a reason not to have sex with *bisexual* people particularly. She didn’t say anything about gay guys turning straight.
TMBisAOK
F*ck this sh*t situation! I am more f*cling wondering why the f*ck the c*ck-s*cking *ssh*less at Qu**try feel the need the censor every f*cking word the g*dd*m s*x therapist writes that they, in their puritanical sh*ttiness, feels is f*cking offensive? As the g*dd*m British would say, “what a bunch of st*pid f*cking c*nts! Oh and your st*pid f*cking editor missed one * in “f*cked” near the end. OMG! Now the f*cking world is gonna come to a f*cking end! Rolling eyes way f*cking back in my f*cking head!
Manray
Lolololololol. Everyone is a c*** until proven otherwise!!
greekboy
This story doesn’t pass the smell test. In other words, it’s bullshit
Liquid Silver
Agreed.
BoomerMyles
Now if the boyfriend suggests a foursome then you’ve got a real problem.
Godabed
I’m Pan and I’ve f*ed some parents, while their kids were away from the house. Parents are sexual people… shrug. they should move on it happened.
ShiningSex
Pan? Girl please. Enough with that. You mean you’re bisexual meaning you can fall in love with anyone. Pan is bi. End of story. Stop with the ridiculous, “I want my own label”. LOL!!!!
thebaddestbabby
pan is bi for hoes
Jack Meoff
Some bored queen with to much time on his hands has manufactured this mess for sh!ts and giggles. The more it gets published and discussed the more he is getting what he wants.
hotdogla
This does happen, I knew someone who slept with his sons friend. It does happen.
hotdogla
Ouch, can anyone recover from this type of betrayal? Hope he finds healing.
Cam
What betrayal?
If the story is actually true, the threesome happened years before these two even started dating.
storm45701
Don’t assume this is a made-up story. Bizarre coincidences happen and the universe is random. Back in the day, my friend used to frequent a popular glory hole; he stopped when he realized that the regular visitor he was sucking on the other side of the partition was a family member. Nothing about the poster’s story rings false, and Savage believed it enough to publish it.
Chrisk
Imagine if you found out it was your dad. Lol
strap2900
Yes, this happened to a friend of mine also. It was his uncle.
joeboyle49
WELL I DATED A BI BOYFRIEND WAY BACK WHEN AND I HAD TO LET HIM GO BECAUSE AFTER WE HAD SEX HE WOULD RUN OUT AND SAY HE NEEDED A WOMAN SO I LET HIM GO!
greekboy
I call bullsh%t on this article. NEVER HAPPENED
ShiningSex
Then he was just a wh*re. Being bi doesn’t give one a license to cheat with someone just because they’re bi. It’s a lame excuse. I know bi women who when they are in a relationship, they’re just with them, no one else. Most bi men that I knew were like that too.
TomG
Now what? Say goodbye to the jerk he is NOT your boyfriend.
Cam
For something that happened years before they met?
Invader7
Yuck. Icky …
arie570
I am surprised how no one has claimed the title as click bait. It led you to assume from the title it happened after the other two were dating.
tjack47
I really thought I was more open-minded. No one did a thing wrong, but honestly, I would’ve preferred he’d kept that to himself. So many things run through my head, but I have negative intrusive thoughts. Was Dad a cuck? Flash…eww, Mom in reverse cowgirl. It’s a bridge too far for me.
Aunt Sharon
Maybe if IKHWIB had sex with his parents that would even things out a bit.
Rambeaux
Alright. You put me on the floor with that response. I love it.
You and I could have some great conversations
wikidBSTN
Whatever side of the country you are on – move to the other side.
Squeak
Did they make a video? Can I watch it on Porn Hub or somewhere?
winemaker
is this a rhetorical question a serious question or what? Really if there’s a no brainer question, this is IT, time to kick the bastard to the curb, immediately, finito, basta cosi done!. This is the ultimate betrayal. Really most smart and thinking people, once they got over the shock and anger would know what to do immediately without question. As to the question: how do we move past this? Are you kidding, it’s done and as far as the boyfriend is concerned, tell him, don’t let the door hit ya’ in the ass on the way out and in case you don’t ‘get it’, you’re done! At least have some pride, Must be a slow day at qweertv.
Dr Sarah
Hold up. You do realise this happened *years in the past*, not while the two of them are dating? I get the situation is embarrassing and awkward as f*ck and maybe they can’t get past it, but the fact that this guy had a threesome *years ago while he was single* doesn’t make him a bastard or in the wrong.
johncp56
hooked up and been with so many bi guys, but this is a omg no! I would give him and my parents walking papers
mdrguy1
I’m accepting this story at face value and assuming it’s true. And I have to say: the guy should dump his BF. Now!!! Do you really want to build a future w/ a guy who once drilled your mom and your dad? Got blown by your mom and dad? Ate out your mom and blew your dad? That’s borderline incestuous and it’s GROSS! Get far away from him NOW and never look back. It’s bad enough to have to rebuild the relationship w/ the parents. Why complicate it with the 3rd (well, 4th, really) wheel? BREAK UP NOW!!!
JeffBaker
I’m bisexual and I came out to my parents years ago; they were fine with that and they are happy I found a wonderful guy to marry and they love him (platonically) but they told me they don’t need the details of my sex life especially from before I met my husband. I suggest this couple should practice the same thing; don’t ask, don’t tell about his & the parents earlier fling.
cuteguy
I cannot believe some of these fossils on here are still denying the existence of bisexuality?! As far as the situation at hand, this guy should run out of this “relationship” screaming. One has to ponder why a 24 yr old is so desperate to hold onto a so called recovered ho. Once a ho always a ho, especially at 31. The 24 yr old obviously has low self esteem and should get help. As far as the parents, no one should judge them. They were consenting adults
dbmcvey
Where did anyone deny bisexuality exists?
I see some people saying they would never date a bisexual–and that’s problematic, but it’s not saying it doesn’t exist.
dbmcvey
Yeah, I don’t think I could get over this.
Diplomat
Family secrets can be a bitch. But one question I have going on my head is: if the kid saw this guy he’s with ten years ago having a swinger date with his parents, then saw him again 10 years later and found him attractive, would he have gone for him? Maybe so. I think the problem here is that it all hit at once. Given time, he’d probably get over it and continue the relationship. If he tosses it in a fit of emotion, he may regret it when he settles down.
Dr Sarah
I notice that when this guy writes to Savage over not being able to stand the mental images of his boyfriend with his parents, Savage’s response is to make good and sure to get *lurid* about the mental images of boyfriend with parents. Way to go, Savage, you’ve probably nailed this guy’s trauma into his brain.