We all know by now that bisexuality is a legit orientation and not just a gateway to being gay, but it’s also true that sexuality isn’t necessarily static and that some people slide around on the Kinsey scale. So after one bisexual Reddit user realized he hadn’t been crushing on women lately, he started wondering if he’s experiencing a “bi-cycle” or if he needs to rethink his identity.
Related: Why does bisexuality still make us so uncomfortable?
“So basically I’ve been using the label bisexual for just under a year now,” he wrote on the r/bisexual subreddit. “However, I feel like I have no attraction for females at all recently, sexually or romantically. How can I tell if this is just a bi-cycle or if I’m just gay?”
Commenters on the thread could relate to his quandary. “Could go either way,” one wrote. “3 years ago I came out to my friends and family as bi. 2 years ago I was in the same position as you are now, so I [came] out as gay (coming out 2; electric boogaloo). This year … I’ve been telling people I’m pan if they ask (unless they seem like they might freak out because I say pan and not bi). Really though, more than being attracted to any particular gender, I’m just interested in sleeping.”
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Related: Tommy Martinez sets the record straight about bisexuality
Another commenter pointed out that sexuality is often fluid: “To me, sexual attraction isn’t enough to determine my label. I label myself based on who I would want to actually be with in the long term.”
“I’ve been going through the same kind of thing lately, but I feel like it ebbs and flows,” a third wrote. “Either way, you’ll be fine”
On a different thread, a bisexual woman said that she hasn’t experienced any “particular rhyme or reason” behind those same ebbs and flows. “The nice thing about being bi is you don’t have to overanalyze your fantasies with a ‘WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!’ all the time,” she added. “It means [you’re] fantasizing about doing something with someone you find attractive.”
stan2015
Listen I fell hard for a bi-sexual & it was just too much for me to handle. I know this man was suffering but I could not handle it. It was my issue. I felt at any moment he would leave me for a woman or a man.
ClarkB
Hi all, I’m a bi man and wish to address some of the sentiments expressed on this board.
Bisexuality is “having your cake and eating it too”.
>> It would be way easier for me on a pracitical level if I claimed to be gay or straight. I can’t do it.
Show me 1 actual bi guy and I’ll show you 9 others who can’t bring themselves to say “I’m gay”
>> For those 9 that appear to transition from bi to gay, might they be concealing their bisexuality to avoid society’s resistance?
Bisexuals can’t be trusted and should be treated as suspicious.
>> This is an easy one. We are suspicious and fearful of those that are different from us. Sound familiar?
Those that haven’t had sex with the opposite gender for years or ever really can’t be bi.
>> If a gay guy doesn’t have sex for years or ever does he stop being gay?
Let me end with this profound point. I believe it was Churchill who said “you are what porn you consume”.
I love you all.
enlightenone
This is the consequence of screwing around with terms/”labels.” Pun intended!!! “Sexual attraction” was invented/made popular by the “gay no more” bunch. Sexual orientation whether you are homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual is different from “sexual attraction.” Orientation is a biological fix and sexual attraction is an ebb and flow as in my partner and I have a loving, happy relationship, but I have not been feeling SEXUALLY attracted to him/her lately (for any number of physical or psychological reasons!!!!).
poundmetoo
Let me help you out you are queer you are the queerest guy that ever lived no one could ever be as queer as you are you are the queeriest queer that ever queered.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
There are true Bi-sexual guys. I’ve had long term FWB hooks with Bi guys who are 100%into guys…
However a good percentage are mostly guys who are not yet ready to declare “I am Gay” declaration of Bi is like baby steps
Kinda like Gay with training wheels….
Donston
This is sorta the predicament we place people in by making such a big deal about sex, attractions and especially identity. Yes, fluidity has legitimacy. In fact, “fluidity” is probably more common than men actually having consistent and substantial attractions, affections, passions, desires, romantic feelings, relationship contentment towards men and women for decades. The “bi agenda” hasn’t really evolved with the times and with knowledge. It’s still too much about disconnecting yourself from “gayness”, about proving bisexuality is real and about trying to disprove “bi stereotypes”. I go with “gay-pansexual” or “homo-leaning queer” if I have to, but if the conversation goes into really talking about the nuances of orientation I usually just explain my orientation. At this point in my life my attractions are fairly even. My sexual passions and sexual enjoyment are male-leaning. My affections are male-leaning. My romantic passions and relationship contentment are flat-out homo. And I’m in a same-sex marriage. If I’m being honest with myself, at the end of the day no matter where I am on the spectrum, I still ultimately feel “gay”. But stop placing so much sociological and identity pressure on yourself. Just be real with yourself and whoever you’re looking to legitimately date about where you are on the romantic, sexual, affection, relationship contentment/ambition spectrum. That’s really all you can do. And it’s generally more helpful.
queerty02
I don’t understand the idea of “sexual confusion.” If you are sexually attracted to a gender it is really obvious. Your body has an autonomous response. Your conscious mind plays no role.
Donston
If you don’t understand something then investigate.
People can lose or gain or have an increase or decrease of immediate arousal towards some types of people, which is often where “confusion” comes into play, and it’s the initial definition of “fluidity”. Furthermore, the concept of “arousal” has different levels. There’s genitals, nipples, heart-rate, brain images, etc. And sexuality is hardly just about arousal. Arousal doesn’t always correlate to desire, passion, enjoyment, fulfillment or being turned on by more than just a body part or two that that person has to offer. All those things can fluctuate, contradict and/or be at different levels. Then you have the romantic, affections, relationship comfort/contentment aspects of orientation. I know some people would love everything to just be about arousal, behaviors and identity and would like to believe everyone stays exactly the same throughout their lives. But shit ain’t always that basic. That’s something folks need to start being okay with.
bonbon
Homosexuality is same sex attraction, NOT same gender.
Donston
I don’t see what that has to do with either post.
Same-sex vs same gender is I guess about biology vs gender identity. While some people view a “homosexual” male as someone who is only attracted to the cis gender males. Some include trans males. Some make it more about masculinity. And of course, for many “gay” and “homosexual” are not the same thing, just like “gay” and “bisexual” are not mutually exclusive for a lot of folks. Really, being obsessed with asserting identity and whatever you feel the definition of these things are doesn’t serve a ton of purpose. Everyone has different opinions on all this stuff.
Josh447
Queerty02
Some people have sexual confusion when starting to feel their sexual feelings of being gay rather than straight. Over time that confusion usually works itself out.
It could be said that there is no confusion sexually as they know what they are attracted to, but that gets hinged onto looking around and seeing you’re one in a million, then feeling isolated wierd and henceforth confused. Or worse yet, the ONLY one.
Then there’s the religious aspect that can really confuse gay people about who they “should” feel attracted to.
There’s lots of people with this kind of confusion. Feel blessed if you are not one of them.
Donston
People tend to experience fluidity and confusion differently. For example, my sister swears that she only had attractions towards women for about 5-6 years of her life. Now, she claims to only have any type of attractions towards men (and is a born-again Christian). I was completely inherently homosexual until my mid-20’s. And there are many men who are middle-aged or older that say they are completely inherently homosexual now but wasn’t when they were younger. The on and off switch can last for years or merely days, depending on the person. While confusion can also come from whether what you feel is arousal or attractions or passions, whether you’re actually into and turned by the the entirety of a person or merely random body parts, how much you enjoy sexually engaging with that person, just how much you’re generally into that type of person, whether you actually have romantic passions/long-term relationship contentment towards that type of person, what identity you feel it best to embrace, and sociological/political/religious/family pressures. All those things take time and experience and constantly being honest with yourself to suss out.
The concepts of “fluidity” and the overall spectrum have often been misused or used to gaslight people (particularly by heterosexual people who just want to be “cool” and homosexual people who just don’t want to be seen as homo or “gay”) . However, accepting this stuff as reality is and talking about them is important, because it promotes honesty, promotes people understanding themselves and each other beyond identity, and it helps snuff out nonsense like internalized homophobia, or hyping up being an “ex-gay”, or people who do have dimensions or experiences fluidity feeling as if they’re superior or more “complex”.
Kenover
Bisexuals are like double agents. Beware.
Josh447
Haha so true. We’re out to get ya!
Donston
People who politicize and/or monetize their bi identities or behaviors can indeed get caught up in desperately trying to appeal to both “queerness” and “straightness”, can get caught up in always trying to make sure they appeal to men and women, and can end up doing or saying stuff that (whether by accident or not) comes off anti-gay or anti-homosexuality. In other words, some get so caught up in ego, identity/social politics and victim mentalities that they can ultimately be problematic. But really, like everything else, it’s a person-by-person basis. While most people out here are just trying to understand themselves, have a peace of mind and be happy/content.
EliottlovesLucas
This guy’s post is quite vague. He says he’s been “identifying” as bisexual for less than a year but was he “identifying” as gay or a default heterosexual before ? Why did he feel he needed a bisexual label? How old is he? Has his attraction to men been stable at the same time or increased? Has he always had interest in both sexes? Does he like them the same way with the same passion?Does he want a wife and kids?There is not a lot with this post. I am guessing that’s why it attracted so little attention in the original site. He could be going through a phase were sex just is not important right now or it could just be a fluke.
Josh447
Bonbon,
Queerty02’s use of the word gender is accurate. Gender has not been reranked into saying whatever you want on a driver’s license. Gender still refers to male and female and it also refers to the elective called gender identity. The word gender represents both usages.
Josh447
Queerty….would you please quit moderating every comment I make it’s tres annoying
Cam
Too much thinking and not enough living.
Here’s a thought, if you aren’t attracted to women now, then don’t date any. If you end up getting attracted to them later on, date them then. But you’re wasting time agonizing over all of it and it is making it sound like you yourself know the answer but just don’t want to admit it.
Donston
We place so much pressure on ourselves and each other when it comes to identity, lifestyle, who you date/who you love. In many ways, we’re getting in the way of progress. And tripping over what to call yourself or trying to fit into a category and movement is just exhausting.
Atomicrob
I’ve met several bisexuals in my time. I entered into a relationship with a married man who labeled himself as bi, however, I felt he was actually gay, torn between his past life with his wife and child, vs. a new life with me. He was in a constant state of vacillation between these two worlds, and ultimately, chose to go back with his wife. 2-3 months after his “decision” I saw him in the train terminal offering his business card to someone he had obviously just met in the bar next door. No… bisexual men in particular are mostly gay men who can live without the veneer of heterosexuality. If you expect them to be faithful or even marginally committed, don’t get involved. If you simply don’t care and want a sexual relationship with zero expectations, then go for it. Be careful.
Michael007
Your comment sparked a very recent memory for me. I have been very ‘fluid’ most of my life. Back and forth from men to women. Married a woman and settled down and very happy. But the ‘urge’ just kept coming back. Like someone else said, I felt like one in a million and it disturbed me. I even had troubling putting the label ‘bi’ on myself.
I have a friend I have known all of our lives. He too married a woman and settled down. BUT . . . in the years before that, he would come to me for a hook up. It was convenient for me because I didn’t have to wander far to find some relief. This went on for years and sometimes he would email me and ask for me to email him some tantalizing fantasies about what we could do the next time we would get together. He got his kicks out of this. I obliged and he would send me back VERY descriptive language about what he would do to me the next time he saw me. He was filled with desire and I considered him ‘bi’ since he stayed with his marriage.
He did this a couple of weeks ago and we sent many emails back and forth and he kept telling me when he thought he could break free to come visit. “I want you SO bad! I’m SO horny!!!” I got the most shocking text from him last week that simply said: “Never, NEVER email me or text me again!!! You are one sick man!!!”
After 20+ years of all we did together, I’m floored that he cut it off this way. It hurt my feelings and it pissed me off at the same time. How dare HE talk to me that way after all he had done with me. I reckon he has formed some kind of guilt. I also think not only is he ‘bi’, but he is ‘bi-polar’ too!!! I never dreamed he would end our friendship like this. I’ve learned that basically, when it comes to sex, you just can’t trust people!!!
OzJosh
I’m sure there are true bisexuals. But 95% of the “bi” guys I meet – and I do not exaggerate – are gay gays with various different issues with their sexuality. Some are just plainly closeted and/or deluded: trying to maintain the appearance of being straight/bi even though they self-evidently have sex only with men and haven’t been near a vagina since they lobbed out of one. That is not “bi”, even theoretically. Sadly, there’s also a significant number of guys who still equate “gay” with effeminate or some variation of “limp-wristed” and therefore somehow less-than a real man. So they cling to “bi” or “straight” as some kind of macho shield. And they’ll often insist they only have sex with other “straight/bi” men, operating a homophobic strictly “no queens” policy. You only have to browse the classifieds on any hook-up site to see how it works, and to see that “bi” is much less a preference than a smoke screen.
Donston
The odd thing is that despite some still equating being a “bi guy” with being “closer to ‘straight” and with being a “real man”, many effeminate guys are actually inherently bi or pan. And there is starting to become a greater belief that men who are truly and thoroughly inherently homosexual throughout their lives are actually more likely to be “masculine”. Also, what exactly is a “true bisexual”? Is it just having a decent amount of regular sexual contact with multiple genders? Is it having substantial and sustained attractions and arousal towards men and women? Is it passion and desire towards men and women? Is it romantic feelings, affections and relationship contentment towards men and women? What’s the difference between a “true” bisexual and a semi/somewhat bisexual?
It is true that “bi” is just too broad of a catch-all for anything that’s not entirely and completely conventionally homosexual and heterosexual. While the “bi guy” is movement is still something that has a lot of connections to internalized homophobia, gay shame, same-sex preferences and ambitions shame, effemiphobia, hetero/non-homo worship and superiority, and anti-gay views. This is stuff that the “bi pride” community hasn’t really tackled politically and socially, which is partly why the identity is losing momentum despite “queerness” being more mainstream than ever, and it’s why “bi-ness” is more fetishized than ever.
Donston
On another note, “bisexual” as an identity is not supposed to be about lifestyle. The modern definition of bisexual is having any type of sexual, romantic, affectionate feelings beyond one gender. So, theoretically, you can be “bisexual” and have not had any sexual contact beyond one gender for many years and not date anyone beyond one gender for decades. And based off that same viewpoint you can live a “bi lifestyle” but still ultimately not consider yourself bisexual. So, using the whole “this guy hasn’t done anything sexually with a chick in many years so he’s gay” will usually lead to bitterness and/or to people doing stuff that they don’t really want to in order to “prove” their bi-ness. Yes, most “bi guys” just don’t have substantial and persistent attractions, affections, passions, romantic contentment towards men and women. Perhaps the majority of “bi guys” are more like gay or straight dudes with some dimensions/quirks/paraphilias. But for whatever reasons they still feel the need to embrace a bi identity and don’t see themselves as gay or straight (although many who do embrace bi identities still at the end of the day see themselves as gay or straight). Some of the reasons behind embracing whatever identity or detaching yourself from something can be problematic or too driven by sociology, politics or ego. But that doesn’t suddenly make everyone entirely heterosexual or homosexual. Once again, perhaps if we stop making such a big deal about identity, attractions and sexual behaviors a lot of the problematic shit would dissipate.
ass eater
Why does it have to be so difficult, you know full well who and what you’re attracted to.