A bisexual man says his wife is forcing him back into the closet, and he’s not sure how to handle it, so he’s turning to the advice column Dear Prudence for help.
“I’m a bisexual man in a happy, monogamous relationship,” the man begins. “My wife is fine with my sexuality but does not want me to talk about it with other people.”
“She especially does not want me talking about it around her friends,” he continues, “many of whom are gay men, for fear that they would start hitting on me.”
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The man suspects his wife is also concerned that their gay friends might make fun of him, though he’s not too worried about this.
But it gets worse.
“She also does not want me to contact an ex-lover, who was also my best friend for a long time,” he says. “I’m not particularly bothered by these ‘conditions,’ but I would like to speak to this guy at least once again in my life, and it might be nice to have people with whom I could openly discuss my sexuality.”
He signs the letter “She’s Honestly Fine With It.”
Prudence, however, begs to differ.
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“I disagree that your wife is ‘fine’ with your sexuality,” she writes. “If she wants you to keep your sexuality a secret and thinks any gay man who learned of it would be unable to keep from either mocking or trying to seduce you, I think she is in fact deeply uncomfortable with and resentful of your sexuality, which is a shame.”
Prudence continues: “It’s one thing for her not to want you to get in touch with an ex, which is understandable if high-handed; it’s quite another for her to forbid you from even talking about the fact that you’re bisexual.”
The bottom line, Prudence says, is this: “If she thinks the only thing keeping your friends from trying to destroy your marriage is a mistaken belief in your heterosexuality, then she has insufficient faith in both your marriage and the character of your friends.”
Her advice: “Tell your wife that you’re not going to hide who you are from those close to you simply to keep her comfortable. Her version of protection and support looks an awful lot like a closet to me.”
What do you think? Is this guy’s wife really “fine” with his bisexuality, or does he need to stick up for himself more? Sound off in the comments section below.
Dev.C
If he doesn’t like how she feels than get a divorce, she entitled to her concerns, but he shouldn’t have married someone not knowing they had these feelings about his identity.
I have to say that if I were her I probably would be caught of guard that my husband with same-sex attractions wanted to hangout with my gay friends and his old gay flame to talk about what he’s not getting from me as a woman.
As a gay man I don’t see myself getting in a relationship with a guy who is bisexual because I wouldn’t take it seriously knowing he has a biological desire for women that probably won’t be satisfied by a monogamous homosexual relationship.
It just seems like this guy married the wrong person, there are plenty of men and women out there who would love a guy who’s bisexual, he should fine one or two.
MMDD
@Dev.C: Geez, did you even bother to read this article? The gay friends are hers, not his. And there’s nothing saying he just “sprung” his bisexuality on her all of a sudden; it sounds like it’s something she’s probably known about from the start of their relationship. And there’s also no indication that he wants to talk with his ex about “what he’s not getting from…a woman.” You’re inferring WAY too much into this and pointing fingers at the wrong person. The problem isn’t HIS, it’s HERS.
MMDD
“She especially does not want me talking about it around her…gay [male friends] for fear that they would start hitting on me.”
Dang. Sounds like she has serious trust issues with her gay male friends too. This woman is most definitely not “fine” with male-to-male attraction. She may also have some serious insecurities about “competing” with a guy and not being able to give her husband what a man can give him. But that road goes both ways, and he’s clearly chosen to be with her over another man. (Most bi guys are gonna choose a woman anyway for the long haul.) I think they both would benefit from some couples therapy.
MMDD
@MMDD: OK, my apologies. I misread a few points in your post. Still, this guy hasn’t said he wants to “hang out” with her gay male friends, just talk with people who can more easily relate to his sexuality. (He’d be better off seeking conversation with other bisexuals though, I believe.) I still say the problem is mostly hers, not his.
dean089
No, she’s obviously not fine with it, however her concerns do have some merit. If you’re a man in a monogamous relationship with a female then, for all intents and purposes, you are currently heterosexual. So if he wants the relationship to stay monogamous, what’s the point of “bisexual?” Most of the time guys play that card when they want to fuck around. Otherwise he’s saying ‘If it weren’t for my wife I’d be boinking everything in sight.’
ChuckF
I’d say he has to be true to himself or he’ll end up a sad man. I can’t understand how a woman who has gay friends can’t accept her bi-sexual partner. What does she think of them? Are they all molesters in her mind? If she does she must not think much of her husband. When I told my wife I wanted to experiment with bi-sexuality she knew I’d had an affair with a man and said, “Not in my house.” That was exactly the right thing for her to say. We remain friends and she decided to stay in California rather than going back to Massachusetts where here family and friends were do my son could be close to me.
martinbakman
The article does not say she is denying him the D. He isn’t even looking for D. They are in a monogamous relationship. But if she keeps acting like a dick, soon he may be wanting some.
MMDD
@dean089: His orientation is bisexual. That’s not going to change just because he’s in a heterosexual relationship. Bisexuals don’t just suddenly become gay/straight because of their chosen partner.
dean3000
Rarely do bi guys have a bf and go out. For pu. Say.
Paco
He simply needs to explain to his wife that he would need to call himself straight for most gay men to want to hit on him. The whole bisexual label just kills their fantasies.
They need more than an advice columnist. Professional therapy for the couple is in order, and perhaps a good divorce lawyer if that doesn’t work. He shouldn’t have to hide who he is.
Captain Obvious
God bisexuals are annoying. Always complaining about something that isn’t actually happening to them. What exactly is there to talk about in your oh so amazing bisexuality? Why can’t this idiot just talk to his wife who should be his “best friend” now?
No she shouldn’t allow him to talk to an ex emotionally as a best friend. Bisexuals are annoying attention whores. You flip and flop and date whoever? Great. Society only cares if you’re with someone of the same sex and if you are then maybe you have something to talk about and that window is closing with the forward progression.
Soon bisexuals won’t even be able to whine about the gay relationships they’ll never be in. What will they have to complain about then?
Sorry unicorns, no one cares that you stick your dick in literally everything.
kent25
That is SO TRUE! They want their cake and eat it to, Ain’t never gonna happen. If they want to be with a man let them buy a strap-on so the old lady can peg them. They have wives and girlfriend and still want to fool around with other men? Hell No you don’t have that right
Billy Budd
@Captain Obvious: I have the deepest respect and admiration for bisexuals. In my opinion they represent the future. The man’s wife is a bitch.
kent25
lol Bisexuals have been around as long as gay people, I don’t see them as the future lmao. It’s best they just stay in the closet. No one want someone that goes from men to women, That’s Nasty, greedy, Slutty Trashy.
oddchild1
@Captain Obvious: You’re comment is no different than those made by Christians do discriminate and excuse their bigotry; what would you say if a Christian said;
“God gays are annoying. Always complaining about something. What exactly is there to talk about in your oh so amazing sin? Why can’t you idiots just be normal and marry women like everybody else?
No Christians shouldn’t should be forced to accept gays or provide them services for their gay marriages. Gays are annoying attention whores. You just want to destroy America and spread the disease of homosexuality? Great. Society is being destroyed by gays and so are families..
Soon ays will be allowed to mmolest children and get away with it. What will we do then?
Sorry unicorns, no one has a right to be a sodomite.”
Bauhaus
@Captain Obvious:
Your post is annoying, whining, and you are the one complaining.
slinky49
The guy is deluded about the quality of his marriage, hius wife is managing her insecurity by controlling and manipulating him. They are doomed if they don’t get help from someone other than an advice columnist.
Theonewhoismany
…..Oh Brian/ Jasonsmeds, you’re on……
GayEGO
Sex Sex Sex! what about love and relationship? Does a bisexual have love and sex with one gender and just sex with the other gender? Marriage sounds like a tough relationship for a bisexual.
Guy068
@MMDD: When she learned might explain her actions and demands. Did she find out after the wedding and is overreacting to late breaking news or did she know all along? Neither justifies her demands or obligates him to give in but finding out after the wedding would at least explain her behavior…
Billy Budd
@Bauhaus: Captain Obvious should be called CAPTAIN QUESTIONABLE. His post was totally idiotic and absurd.
MMDD
@Guy068: That’s true.
onthemark
@Captain Obvious: “God bisexuals are annoying. Always complaining about something that isn’t actually happening to them.”
Damn! – your post made me laugh for ten minutes. In the past you’ve often been Captain Oblivious but thanks for giving me a good laugh.
Bisexuals remind me of the old Dr. Pepper advertising song. “Doc… tor Pepper! So mis… under… stood!” Dr. Pepper sucks too! It’s awful!
Anyway, the gay friends shouldn’t even bother trying to hit on him. Bisexual guys = BAD BORING SEX!
jar
It sounds like the real issue is that he is getting an itch and she’s telling him he beeter not scratch it. The facts don’t make much sense. If she opposes a relationship with his ex, surely this would have come up earlier. It appears that he has only recently developed this desire to reach out to him. And this appears to be occurring at the same time that he wants to tell her friends that he’s bi. If she’s always been okay with his orientation, it seems likely that her current skittishness is a response to the husband’s present energy.
Personally, I don’t understand the need/interest in discussing your sexual orientation when you are in a committed relationship. If it’s so that he can talk same-sex with her friends, I think it’s okay for her to find that unacceptable, given he’s in a committed relationship.
It seems likely that this relationship will break down because the parties have different sexual orientations.
DCguy
I’m not sure why this guy would feel the need to talk about his sexuality with people that aren’t even his friends. Sounds like he’s trying to put out a signal.
Most husbands aren’t going to go around their wives friends and talk about their “Sexuality”. This sounds like a B.S. story or the guy is looking for a way out.
Captain Obvious
@oddchild1: Cool you created a bunch of straw man arguments. Keep being defensive about the truth. All so called bisexuals online do is whine about hypothetical gay relationships they’ll never be in and how they’re more oppressed than any other group that has ever existed.
@Bauhaus: Rofl, cry more. I didn’t make you read it nor am I sitting around crying about my sexuality on the internet as a damned adult. Stay defensive.
Brian
I don’t see why this man should’ve told his wife about his same-sex relationship prior to his marriage to her. I don’t believe that becoming married is akin to a confessional where you have to reveal all your prior relationships to your soon-to-be-spouse.
What I find quite refreshing is that the husband was honest about the fact that he had a same-sex relationship prior to marrying her (I won’t call him “bisexual” because I hate the word). You often don’t see this degree of honesty in men. Men tend to be very fearful of how women will react to any hint of same-sex feelings within him, and thus tend to hide them. It’s true that women are generally very resentful of them.
I think it’s good that the wife has not rejected the man in this particular case. As to her insistence that he not talk to his ex at all, I think that’s slightly over the top.
oddchild1
@Captain Obvious: You are a bigot; that is a fact; that is not a straw man that is not an ad hominem; that is a statement of fact; no different than Kim Davis or any other Christian that is homophobic. All your comments about bisexuals are bigoted. You are a bigot.
Bauhaus
@Captain Obvious:
True, you’re not crying about your own sexuality, but you are crying about bisexuals. Of course you didn’t make me read it – you posted and I’m free to comment on your post. That chip on your shoulder…
onthemark
Leaving aside the amusing remark from Captain Oblivious, this is a very strange “problem.”
“I’m a bisexual man in a happy, monogamous relationship,” the man begins. “My wife is fine with my sexuality but does not want me to talk about it with other people.”
Um… what exactly does he want to SAY about it to other people? (And when? While playing canasta with his wife and friends?)
“I’m bisexual, you know.” Well, o-o-o-kay.
“I’m bisexual and I used to be in a relationship with a guy.” (Friend gasps and drops a piece of coffee cake.)
“I’m bisexual and I really think ______ is frickin’ HOT!” (names hot male celebrity).
There are only so many directions to go with this…
mmichael_24
I wouldn’t want him talking to an ex lover eirher. We all knows what that leads to.
Will L
I caught this in Slate and disagreed with Prudence. Unless you intend to have sex with a person, their sexuality should be of no consequence at all. This holds true even more if the person is married. If you are taken, it doesn’t matter WHO or WHAT turns you on. Period — unless you are shopping around for a replacement. I side with the wife.
virtuoso1980
Lol @Captain Obvious. Queerty did not make you read the article too, yet you did, and you whined. I agree you are bigot. The way you vomit your vitriol about bisexuals makes me think someone of that orientation broke your little girl’s heart.
Bless your heart. I know what you said is your own opinion. I’m just laughing at you.
inbama
If you love someone, you do not make them feel insecure and subject them to humiliation in public.
If you’re that worried about “bisexual erasure,” then marry a bisexual.
trell
The trouble with the original letter is that the guy has not specifically stated how his wife’s impositions on his personal life, makes HIM feel. This is actually a very important aspect, and it is left out.
On the one hand, reading the letter, he seems to downplay most of it, saying stuff like “…well I wouldn’t mind so much, but….”, and “…it wouldn’t be so bad, it’s just that…”, and signing it off “She’s Honestly Fine With It”, means that to him, the whole situation is just a minor inconvenience, and a bit of a bugbear in his otherwise OK life. – All he wants to do is to be a bit more open with his sexuality, and chat with an old friend, and not worry about his wife getting jealous.
On the other hand, there is an uncomfortable streak of controlling or coercive behaviour here. Psychologically, this guy seems affected. Either it is a case that this guy has very little backbone, and just needs to tell his wife “Honey, I love you, and I will be faithful, but sometimes I just want a group of friends who I don’t have to put on a false persona for”, or she has said to him something like “Don’t you DARE tell anyone that you are bi, and don’t talk to your ex, OR ELSE!”. I guess she has made threats to leave him, or out him, or whatever, but it is obvious that she must have something over him, to stop him from just manning up and explaining things to her.
In any case, Captain Obvious has pretty much demonstrated what a prize tool he is. – It doesn’t matter if this guy was gay, bi, straight, trans or alien. He has a problem that he has tried to get help for, and the very first thing that Captain Obvious has said is essentially “Oh no, not another whingey bi guy”. – @Captain O. You’ve got a pretty narrow-minded view on the LGBTI community. Yes, bisexuals exist, yes they are as diverse as people who identify as gay, straight or trans, and yes, they also have problems and need help without judgement, same as everyone else. What’s worse than your original comment is the fact that you then try to argue your (unewlcome) point of view, while missing the original point of the guy’s Agony Aunt letter.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Whatevs. Bisexuals have it soooooo much easier and in every single way.
[reads comments in thread]
Oh.
Apparently not even allowed to be comfortable in their identity… they need to hide it like a dark dirty secret. Except when hiding it makes them sneaky, lying, untrustworthy fifth columnists. Well that’s privilege for ya — so delightfully, capriciously enigmatic!
The lack of empathy is bordering on sociopathic but not as fun as that implies
Sluggo2007
Bisexual and in a monogamous relationship? The words bisexual and monogamous are in direct contrast with each other. At any rate, if he has experience with women, then he should know that they are controlling and jealous. He’s better off single.
bottom250
Honey you have to leave this icky woman and run into the arms of men who will love and accept you.
youarekiddingme
@Captain Obvious: Says the African American man with the white male icon…”all bisexuals are attention whores…” Stereotype much? Says the guy who’s first words out of his mouth in any situation where an African American is involved in anything…”r@cist”. Yea, solid argument coming from a stereotyping, rabble-rousing, loud mouthed bigot. Have a nice day!
Dev.C
@MMDD: You obviously glazed over my comment because I did mention the fact that it’s her gay friends he’s wanting to connect with. I don’t understand why he would commit to relationship with someone if he wasn’t sure she was ok with his sexual identity, her saying I’m fine with it is not concrete conformation.
Her concerns are warranted because his reason for wanting to come out to people like her friends is so he can express his same-sex desires. She’s obviously isn’t comfortable with that and this isn’t going to go away so they would probably do better acknowledging their differences and move on from there.
MMDD
@Dev.C: I also apologized for missing a few of your points. I guess you glazed over that too.
“Her concerns are warranted because his reason for wanting to come out to people like her friends is so he can express his same-sex desires.”
Meaning what? Hook up with a guy, or just talk about his sexuality to people who might have more understanding ears? The latter sounds like what’s he’s looking for.
scotty
ditch the bitch and make the switch.
Nera_Bellum
you should’ve got into this and discussed it before marriage.no really.you have to be completely up front about your sexuality.if it;s such a problem,divorce her and ruin all your lives or keep a journal about your hurt feelings
kent25
No woman deserve a man who like other men, If you have a wife or a girlfriend Shut the Hell up about other men. Be a straight man for Christ sakes. Being with a woman and wanting to be with a man is Not cool.