Her boyfriend frequently enjoys gay porn, loves gay-themed cinema, and points out men he finds attractive.
But… he doesn’t want to break up with his long-term girlfriend. (They’ve been dating since they were seventeen, after all.)
Raised in a strict Catholic household, his brother came out several years back, sending the whole family into a state of turmoil.
People often assume he’s gay because of “body language indicators, clothing choice, the tone of his voice” and he’s “always denied it.”
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Such is the plight of a certain “Stuck and Confused,” who writes into advice columnist Carolyn Hax hoping for guidance and clarity:
I have often wondered, and asked, why he hasn’t broken up with me to do some exploring, but he insists he would/could never, and he also seems to think no one would really want to be with him. He also has told me he could never break up with me because he doesn’t want to throw away what we have.
I’m concerned I’m lying to myself and hanging onto a relationship with a closeted man, which is not a life I want for myself.
I think he’s tired of discussing it, which is a feeling I share. He has told me he does feel attracted to me. Any insight would be tremendously appreciated.
Carolyn wastes no time offering this troubled woman her two cents.
“If you’ve politically corrected yourself into knots,” she writes, “then make it simple and see the answer in your looking so hard for an answer.”
Happy, healthy, satisfied couples heading in a mutually agreeable direction just don’t agonize over their relationships the way you’re picking apart yours….
This very relationship, exactly as you’re living it, has set off your alarms. Your impulse to stick with it as you dig for and identify the problem is an admirable one; you’re not looking at him or your feelings for him as disposable. However, at some point the exact nature of the problem becomes irrelevant and all that matters is its tenacity.
She closes by asking that she not take her boyfriend’s word at face value when he says his urges have “never been acted on whatsoever”:
“You can love and sympathize with and even trust someone and still be mindful that people in torment sometimes act selfishly in ways they never otherwise would.”
What advice would you offer this woman? Should she run away screaming or settle into a stable, long-term relationship with a gay male in denial?
buzzy58
She should leave him right away. Try explaining to him that she will always love him but he NEEDS to satisfy his homosexual urges or it will tear him apart. Soon or later, he will grow to resent her for not having male parts and denying him his true life.
jkb
I loathe being one of those nitpicking queens who go out of their way to criticize Queerty, but knowing they dated since 17 and not knowing how old they are now makes for a difficult assessment. That being said, if his proclivities makes her uneasy, then she should take the bull by the horns and end it. She shouldn’t have to wonder whether her goods are good enough.
Heywood Jablowme
They have been together 3 years, if you look at the original Carolyn Hax question.
With Queerty articles it always, always helps to click on the link!
chris33133
He may be bi. But in either case, her concerns are reason enough to end the relationship or to shift it to the dreaded “just friends.”
Kieran
Sounds like he wants a beard.
pudman56
I think she should stick by him as a best friend because from the way it sounds, his family isn’t a good resource to depend on. However, she will never find real happiness with a man in the closet, even the bi closet. It’s hard for me to fathom that this problem still exists. No, I’m not naive, it’s just that I came out when I was 15 years old, I am now 61. I was very fortunate to have the support of very good friends who are still part of my life, all of them straight.
Bopper1
…if he likes dick, that’s never goin’ away…if she’s ok with that and the inevitability that he will want to act on it, then enjoy the ride for now…if she or he are gonna pretend otherwise, they’re wasting each other’s time…
Jaxton
There is no inevitability to act on it. Willpower can prevent it.
bobbyjoe
Oh, if only there were some word for people who are attracted to both women and men. If we had such a word, we could even include its first initial in that weird blank space we currently have in that term we use all the time, the “LG_T community.” And if we had such a word, this article would feel seriously pointless and we could tell it good-bi… I mean, goodbye.
Brian
Yeah, this doesn’t sound like a bisexual guy. It sounds like a gay dude who is too scared to act on his real feelings so he’s clinging onto his beard for dear life.
Tobi
Yeah, “stuck and confused” is not a good look whilst wearing a strap on.
Creamsicle
Girl needs to stop asking what her boyfriend wants to do and start asking herself what SHE wants from life. It sounds like she’s already on the path if she’s saying that she doesn’t want this for her entire life. She can still remain supportive. She will probably be this guy’s best and possible only friend at a time of transition in his life as he explores his actual desires. They both need to stop playing pretend and open their eyes to the reality of their situation. Neither of them are going to be truly happy until they are honest with themselves, and better to end it now and figure out how to remain friends (or not) than to hang onto each other out of fear for the next 20 years and always wonder if they were the ones denying themselves happiness their entire lives.
Paco
Codependency is easy to fall into, and difficult to get out of.
JarodD
She should break up with him but if she still likes him then just be friends. a gbf is way better than a gay boyfriend
Heywood Jablowme
Where do they hide all these super-repressed Catholic guys? I thought they went out of style back in the ’60s.
All the Catholic guys I’ve ever been with were those precocious, messing-around-with-guys-since-they-were-age-12 types — ESPECIALLY if they went to parochial school! The parochial school boys were wild.
Jaxton
The guy has a visual attraction to the male form. He likes seeing it. Seeing it is not the same as being it. He does not wish to be what he sees.
His girlfriend should not fret. He has no intention of being, only seeing.
Tête Carrée
Should have know you were a closet case. Don’t try to blame “gay identity politics” for your predicament.
FrChris
Why is this woman asking this question?
Obviously there is some insecurity on her part.
Let’s set aside the whole religious perspective! His brother is already ‘out’, we are told there was turmoil as a result, but we are not told the outcome. How can you advise with incomplete information?
So given the information we have, here’s my best advice…
Human sexuality is not black and white (in spite of what religious zealots tell you) it exists along a whole spectrum from 100% straight to 100% gay. And believe me that there are way more men and women in the middle of that spectrum than at either end.
If you’ve ever been in a male changing room in high school full of 16 yr olds (give or take a couple of years) after the showers, you would be amazed at just how many guys have semi-erections.
Men do find men attractive – it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are gay.
The same applies for women.
I’m a gay man, and I do find some women attractive – I’d never sleep with one in a million years – but I find them attractive.
I suppose what I’m saying is that – if you love this guy, and he seems to love you – then stick with it!
After all – isn’t that what it’s all about?
Jaxton
You make some good points, including the point that attraction to the male form is not, by definition, a sexual attraction.
Gay identity politics has done enormous damage to the idea that a man should be able to feel attracted to the male form without the insinuation that he wants to have sexual intercourse with the male form.
We have a new crisis in manhood because of the damage done by identity politics, gay or straight..
ElPillo
Here’s her answer: “he also seems to think no one would really want to be with him. ”. The moment someone does, he’s gone “exploring.” Or he’s explored and is so awkward that gays run away.
Jaxton
Women need to stop being hostile to male bisexuality or men who are attracted to the male form without wanting to have sexual intercourse with it.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
“She closes by asking that she not take her boyfriend’s word at face value when he says his urges have “never been acted on whatsoever”:
WHAAAAAAT?!? Yo PROBLEMATIC as needs skoolin: If he IDENTIFIES as x then he is x. THIS IS A FACT. Case closed. So he’s STRAIGHT! This is how it works Only a homotranoracialophobe bigot would disagree
DCguy
There is no confusion here. He is into guys, but the bigotry around him has him wanting to keep her as a beard. The woman needs to dump him and run. It will be better for both of them. It isn’t her job to waste her life with him until he feels comfortable enough in a few years to dump her and come out.
radiooutmike
She can unilaterally end the relationship. It’s probably the kindest thing she can do for both of them.