Hi Jake
I met a great guy on Grindr. It was supposed to be just a hookup but we ended up getting to know each other and now it’s been about four months. It feels like a relationship. We hold hands, we cook dinner together, and, even during social distancing, we are still going out walking in the neighborhood. But he still goes on Grindr a lot. He says he’s just going on to chat, but most guys aren’t on there just to “chat.”
A few weeks ago, he showed me a guy who wanted to have a three-way. I really wasn’t into it. An hour later, I noticed he was still on Grindr after he left my house, but his location wasn’t very far away and his profile picture was next to the guy he was talking about earlier. The next day he admitted that he hooked up with him. I was extremely upset and we came to an understanding that we would only play with others together.
Like I said, we’re not in a real relationship, even though we act like a couple. He doesn’t refer me as his boyfriend, but does say we are dating, and when I asked him if he was hooking up with anybody else, he said no. Yet he’s always on Grindr!
How about we take this to the next level?
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Fast forward again. He wanted to have another three-way and showed me some guy. After he left my house, I saw he was next to the guy on Grindr. I texted him immediately and asked what he was doing. He said it was just a coincidence and that nobody was next to him.
Am I wrong? How do I move past this? Or do I accept that we’re not in a relationship and I’m wanting too much when he’s clearly not looking for commitment? My heart and brain don’t see the match.
Sincerely,
Confused and Conflicted
Dear Confused and Conflicted,
Relationships can be tricky to navigate, but one thing that’s for sure is that both parties in a couple need to be on the same page when it comes to the rules of monogamy.
Even though you say it’s not a “real” relationship, the tenets of clear communication still stand. It’s great that after you found out that he hooked up with someone else, you realized that it bothered you and had a conversation about being exclusive. Now it’s up to both of you to stick to those rules, otherwise, they need to be renegotiated.
If you aren’t into having threesomes, you should probably let him know. And if he still wants to wade in the GrindR pool, he should be honest about that too. (Side note: Should anyone really be hooking up on Grindr during a pandemic?)
Also, the basis of a relationship is trust. He admitted in the past he hooked up with someone else, but that was before you talked and set the rules. Ask yourself if he’s ever given you a true reason not to trust him, and if not, move forward as if he is being truthful. If you’re pretty sure he’s being dishonest, you may need to have a conversation to ask him again how he feels about commitment, and possibly renegotiate the rules.
You can’t make your partner commit to anything he isn’t ready for. If ultimately, he’s not into the kind of relationship you want, then you have a choice. You can either decide you’re okay with something more light and non-committal, or you may want something more serious at this time.
If he’s not on the same page, it might be time to move on. You deserve to have what you want, and you won’t be able to simply ignore feelings of hurt or betrayal if you’re feeling them. Make sure you aren’t settling for less just because the pickings are limited right now. You don’t want to stay in a relationship and feel resentful.
Talking through things here seems imperative. Make a point to sit down, hash out your feelings authentically, and confirm that you are both on the same page. If he’s not the right guy for you, you’ll be making space for one that is.
You deserve it all,
Jake
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
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Donston
If you’re looking for monogamy or at least looking for him not to constantly hook up randoms then of course you need to talk with him about that. (Do people really need advice columnist for that info?). Of course, how you get ’em is often how you lose ’em.
Doug
‘Confused and Conflicted’s’ “boyfriend” has absolutely no interest in monogamy. The guy is stringing him along by denying he’s seeing other guys, when he clearly is. If he can’t be honest enough to admit he can’t handle monogamy and continues to lie about it, C&C needs to dump him immediately. These guys are totally incompatible.
lord.krath
How do you get past it?
People.
You act like an adult and ask him wants and tell him what you want. If it is the same or negotiable, score!
If it isn’t, move one. Four months is nothing. And there are many many many guys out there who only love to have sex. It’s their prerogative, but it isn’t fair to those that they may string along hoping they’ll change. That kind of change happens within.
I know a great friend who Hs a lot to offer that has passed up great person after great person because he lives for the hookups. He is approaching 60. No judgement from me, but I don’t cut him any slack when he starts talking about how he’s it is to settle down.
And he is just one of the many I know that live like this.
It’s all about choices we make. What ever this guy does, I hope he doesn’t waste his life waiting for something that may not come.
hotdogla
“Live for the hookup”. Its a lifestyle you are right. Some people do not want monagamy they like the thirll of the hookup. The 60 yeas specially they are hooked, its like a slot machine for these seniors.
mikenyc352
Except being in a relationship and being monogamous are not the same thing. There are plenty of men out there who want a committed relationship that are also fine being open.
Chrisk
I think my concern would be him being such a slut while were in the middle of a pandemic.
Secondly he doesn’t owe you anything. You’re not in any relationship. Just friends with benefits. If anything you’re the one in the wrong by snooping.
sfhairy
so much for sheltering in place. he has now exposed you to covid-19 and everyone you come in contact with (shopping, etc). do you really want to date that type of person?
Harley
I’ve got three words for him. “Antibiotic resistant gonorrhea”. Drop the slut now before his dock drops off.
Boyrodeorider
…tenets of clear communication…
dougie
YES! A professional writer really should know the difference between tenants and tenets.
simulations
Oh! I thought the tenants of clear communication still stand because the property they rented came unfurnished and they had nowhere to sit. Tenets makes more sense.
WashDrySpin
NEWSFLASH:
He is NOT your “boyfriend” he is EVERYBODY’S “boyfriend”…
You are not in a relationship because you are not communicating…one person LOVES the idea of “being in a relationship” and the other one is using him as a social contact during this “pandemic”…once this is over so will this “relationship”…
SportGuy
If this guy is looking for a boyfriend then obviously this guy is not the right guy if he still wants to be slutting around with other guys. Find a guy who want a monogamous relationship if your looking for a real boyfriend.
Cam
He isn’t interested in monogamy, if you are, then he isn’t your boyfriend, he’s a hookup.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
He is in a relationship with your dick honey, rest of you not so much…..
MenziesJ
He’s not your boyfriend. Get a clue.
Godabed
If it were me, I’d dump him and quick. It’s still a pandemic, and he decides to not only cheat on you but he could be affecting your health and the health of your family and friends. he’s clearly a selfish idiot. The d*ck can’t be that good.
Prax07
He’s not your bf, he’s a pandemic slut. Drop him for your own safety and move on once moving on is safe.
stanhope
Babe you know the answer. You just don’t want to face the answer. You like him and he might like you. We have a saying in the South. If you meet a frog on a lilypad and you go for a picnic on the rocks don’t be shocked if you find him back on the lily pad even though the picnic was nice. Adjust to the reality or drop him and hold out for waht you really want.
Ben_Solo
Very well stated.
ducdebrabant
Clear communication has TENETS, not “tenants.”
slinky49
Switch pronouns. He’s “their” boyfriend.
CurtisIsTheOne
You wins the “Intranet” today for most pithy remark. Give yourself (or someone else) a handjob. /|\
Paulie P
Gurl anyone that is going go F around with a stranger during a pandemic then come home to you and cum again is not worth the risk. Don’t put yourself at risk.
Tempus
He’s cheating plain and simple. It may be superficial or just suspicion yet his location data considering his past actions is highly suspect. There’s an almost 100% chance that he’s hooking up with guys other than his…the guy he’s dating yet not in a real relationship with whatever that means. Like others what really gets me is not only is he clearly a slut but based on this article this is a present day aka during the pandemic thing. Not exactly a sign of a good guy when he can’t even keep it in his pants when his life could be on the line. Sounds time to dump the trash and find someone who wants an actual committed relationship as it seems like what they want even if they aren’t exactly communicating that properly with this douche.
jackmister
Change the locks.
Consider This
Exactly!
Man About Town
If he’s still hooking up now, he’s what we used to call in the ’80s a bug chaser.
Whether or not that’s the case, you know what Dan Savage would say: DTMFA.
ShiningSex
it’s because he’s trash.
Grindr is full of risks of stds. Why would people do that?
Yes, you can get one from anyone, but your chances on grindr is almost a guarantee.
John
It is stated right in the guys letter…”we are not in a real relationship” and then when discussed you would only “play together” you agreed but then turn away from those he offers. Did you just agree to the three ways in an attempt to please him thinking that if you don’t agree to any of them he will not go ahead? He may know you will never agree to one coming over and he is going to continue since you are not in a “real relationship” you are long term playmates it appears or FWB.
CityguyUSA
If you can’t be happy with him Grinding than it’s not for you and you need to move on. Unfortunately, jealousy that’s not resolved turns into resentment and resentment into anger and hate. It reminds me of the saying, “if you love someone set them free”, “if they come back they’re yours,” until you get past the infatuation. Of course you may have moved on in the meantime and lost any feelings you may have had for him which is his risk. Nothing is however, static. It’s like a coupon it’s got an expiration date and you may find even if he comes back that you still have some jealousy over how many people have Ground him or he ground and even though he’s says he done you may not be satisfied by his answer because you’re already questioning his sincerity and how much you can rely on what he tells you. It takes forever to trust and even longer to retrust.
dougie
Let’s see. . . you met the guy on Grindr, a hook-up app. Right? What makes you think that he’ll stop using Grindr, a hook-up app, to arrange for hook-ups? If you’re looking for a boyfriend, someone who won’t screw around with hook-ups, you probably should find a better way to meet guys. Time to dump him, get your own relationship goals clarified, and head a different direction. That is, if you really want to have a boyfriend who won’t be looking for the next hook-up.
hotdogla
Bravo!
hotdogla
hotdogla
I had a boyfriend I love very much on all those apps, and it was very hurtful. We lived together, I started to think it was normal for boyfriends to do this. He was having a Hawaiian Airlines flight attendant he met on that app meet up while we were on vacation together. Full on affair, Of course I did not put these things together until one day I picked him up and saw the messages as they pooped up on his bluetooth. Now they live together and he is still cruising for c*ck and hiding his hookup lifestyle. In my experience guys who are on there daily have made it a habit to be on those apps, they will not give them up. Move on, safe yourself the heartache. Same guys on the app for decades,
Doug
This isn’t complicated. This guy is clearly not going to be able to handle a monogamous relationship. If the writer wants one, he needs to look elsewhere.
cuteguy
Why is he himself on Grindr? Is he looking to hookup too or is on there to spy on him? If it’s the latter then he sounds like a needy, distrusting bf and who wants that? Be an adult, explain what you want and if you two can’t agree then move on. Even if the sex is great, this guy obviously wants more than the other wants to offer. Cut your losses and move on. And more importantly, why are you doing this during a pandemic? Maybe it’s time he dates himself bc once he has a good relationship with himself, he will have established healthy boundaries that no one can penetrate, no pun intended
8millionandcounting
These are the ones you know about. I’ve known guys who hook up at 1am to 6am with no regard with who they are hooking up or what time they need to be at work.
The fact that you wrote a letter for advice means you already know the answer.
Also, it sounds like you are asking strangers permission to continuing torturing yourself (stalking his Grindr activity is not healthy at 4 months and you are wasting your time with this guy) and as you can see from 33 comments no one is.
mikenyc352
I am tired of people equating commitment with monogamy. Being committed to monogamy is not the same thing as being committed to the relationship. It’s demeaning and insensitive to those of us in long term committed relationships that are open.
Cam
It’s only demeaning to you if you consider someone else living their life as they want as an attack on you.
mikenyc352
No I said nothing about how other people choose to live their lives. I said people equating to other (like in this discussion) that monogamy and commitment are the same thing. They are not. In my experience many gay long term committed relationships (including my own) became more committed after it became open than before. My previous demand for monogamy at the beginning of our relationship was more about my insecurity about our commitment than it was was deep and abiding love and commitment. Demanding that your partner is sexually monogamous is no more a sign of commitment than demanding he develop no other deep friendships.
Cam
It sounds like he may have lied to the guy. He said they agreed to only hookup together. But it sounds like he does not want to do that. So whatever relationship they have is built on a lie. He needs to realize this guy is not monogamous and either accept it, or breakup with him if he doesn’t want to deal with that.
ShiningSex
First off it’s Grindr. Not a place really for long term relationships. Seriously! Anyone who says otherwise are lying to themselves. It’s a “HOOKUP” app. Duh!!!
He’s a cheater, Leave HIM!!!
rural queer socialist
How about letting the creep go his own way and suffer his own problems – of his own making – that are not yours of your own making?
Bulovaboy
One Word…. RUNNNNNNNNNNN
yaletownman
If your relationship values aren’t compatible then get out now.
You may want to explore why you would be attracted to a relationship where this kind of struggle exists. You may be hooked into the struggle itself, the drama, anxiety, etc. it creates all of which can be alluring as well. Are you trying to get something from someone that isn’t even possible? Are you looking to control someone that for you is out of control? That’s an element of co-dependency.
Doug
‘Confused and Conflicted’s’ “boyfriend” has absolutely no interest in monogamy. The guy is stringing him along by denying he’s seeing other guys, when he clearly is. If he can’t be honest enough to admit he can’t handle monogamy and continues to lie about it, C&C needs to dump him immediately. These guys are totally incompatible.
Ravinwind
Sorry to be blunt but I hate clingy hypocritical psychopathic whiny people like that.
First off the two met on Grindr as a hook up. So is ridiculous to act like it is some huge surprise that the guy you hooked up with from Grindr (during a pandemic no less), that you have had zero serious relationship conversations with, was still sleeping around with people on Grindr before you had a conversation with them.
From what he writes the guy admits that the other guy doesn’t consider him a boyfriend and that they are just “dating”. Which could mean they are dating in traditional straight terms (in which case is not uncommon to date multiple people until you have a conversation about being serious and settling down if you are choosing to have a monogamous or semi monogamous relationship, something you would not know without communication), or could be the gay euphemism for hooking up with someone semi-regularly.
I love how he used “I was extremely upset and we came to an understanding”. In real world speak this means that drama queen had a meltdown and yelled demands at the person that they still had not had a serious relationship conversation with yet and whom he still admits he is not in serious relationship with.
More concerning he admits that he is friggin cyberstalking this guy that he admits that he isn’t in a real relationship with, but is already demanding things from and only has an internal fantasy of a relationship with. That is a serious warning flag for the other guy that he needs to break from this person and if the delusion goes farther get a restraining order.
And seriously needs to notch down the jealousy meter. He is so paranoid that he can’t trust the guy and resorts to cyberstalking even though he admits he is not in relationship and is making wild accusations against the person based off a glitchy apps distance monitor. We all know in general these apps can be wrong by about 500 miles on a good day. When they are working as designed your person is +/- about 5 miles distance in a straight arrow from your point. That point of distance from you could be anywhere in a circle around your point. You add a third point to that equation they also are going to be +/- 5 miles somewhere on that circle. So assuming the average person only goes about 20 miles for a casual hookup (unless they are extremely horny or the picture is unbelievably hot) then basically those two realistically could have been as much as 40 miles about from each other if you are just going by the cyberstalking data that tell you their distance from you not between them. The only way to know if he was actually with the other person was if he followed him which brings his creepy stalker status into the personal safety threat zone.
As to his question, yes he was wrong move past it. You have obviously seen that what he wants is not what you want. Even if he was relationship oriented (which from all accounts by the stalker own admission does not appear to be the case) it is clear he not looking for monogamy. Which would mean time to look elsewhere since (despite meeting as a casual hookup) you are not looking for a casual hookup or even a semi-open or polyamerous relationship with someone. You are as much as said you are not compatible I as a relationship.
I mean seriously the guy by his own admission states he has a fantasy about being in a serious relationship with this guy who says they are not in one but are casually dating. The guy already had a jealous meltdown at the guy and is cyberstalking him and pretty much admits he has no concern for the other guy’s needs or wants and it is all about him and his needs and how this person he isn’t even in a serious relationship with and hasn’t had serious talks with yet (except what was probably one screaming match) needs to conform to his standard.
So tired of this kind of nonsense. This kind of crap is exactly why so many of you are single and miserable about it and want to act the viticm. You can’t just make up a fantasy scenario in your head about what you want and expect it to magically appear. It takes communication and time to get to know each other and you have to have the hard conversations about what you want. And even when you set those rules it doesn’t mean they are not open for negotiation later as you and your relationship evolves. As long as you are together with the person you have to have open honest conversations. And unless you are lucky enough to find someone just like yourself (not realistic scenario) to be in relationship with (that evolves and grows at the same rate you do, in the same direction) it is going to mean some give and take on both parties part to make the relationship work (and that isn’t only in the sexual arena).
And yes if you have to resort to stalking your potential mate (especially less than four months into a casual at best relationship) because you “can’t trust them” that is not the relationship for you to be in, because obviously something fundamental in it is broken at that point and probably beyond repair.
And to those screaming “he is cheating, dump him” you really need to get a clue. No he is not cheating. They by this person’s own admission are not even in a serious relationship. They have had zero of the needed relationship talks (agreed to by both parties) that would establish this as cheating. The guy was very upfront about hooking up before the guys first melt down. So chances are probably not lying about the second issue. But even if he was by the this persons own admission they are not is a serious relationship, so not cheating. And also going to say not sharing information with someone that already has shown themselves to be kind of psychotic maybe not a bad thing.
Monogamy in general has been the aberration for most of human civilization and despite modern American HetroNormative Mores is not the normal. There is nothing wrong with it. But if you are trying to have a relationship with a gay person, especially one you picked up on a casual sex hook up app, then you are going to have to sit down and have the honest relationship conversations that will define your relationship. Expecting a person to adhere to your made up fantasy that you have never shared with them is asinine, especially if you have zero interest in making sure your perspective partner’s needs are met as well. If either of you can’t compromise enough to make each other happy then a relationship just isn’t going to work and no sense trying to make it work if you are not compatible.