Open relationships, when handled correctly, can be extremely fulfilling and rewarding for certain couples. Finding potential mates outside your primary relationship, however, can be tricky. Luckily, we live in a world of Grindr and Scruff, which makes things easier. Weirdly, however, it can also make things more complicated.
Let me give you an example…
After chatting with a guy online for a while, getting a feel for what he’s like, and telling him what you’re looking for, you read those fateful words you’ve heard way too many times, “So I’ve been talking to your boyfriend…”
Ugh!
Suddenly what seemed like an easy hookup sends a pang of jealousy through your system, almost like you’re in a competition with your own partner. Over time, this can make you feel insecure, envious, or even resentful towards him, which is not a healthy in a relationship.
For an open relationship to work, you and your partner need to feel like equals, instead of feeling like you are pitted against each other or doing something secretive. The good news is, there are ways to wade through these precarious waters that ensures all parties feel confident, secure, and trusting.
Here are four important tips I often share with my clients who are dealing with this issue…
1. Transparency is everything.
The most important thing to remember is that you and your partner are a team, whether you play separately or together, and you want to be on exactly the same page. This means being really clear up front about your own goals and objectives and making sure you understand his as well. Researchers agree that the best success in open relationships stems from clear communication.
Related: Scientists say this is the key to making an open relationship work
2. Set boundaries.
Being on the apps means discussing the territory–from what apps you’ll be on, to when you’ll use them, to who you’ll meet, to the “rules” around setting up a hookup, er, date. Maybe it really irks you when he engages in conversation with somebody you’ve already been chatting with, so you decide that, if this ever happens, he politely ends the conversation right there. Or maybe he wants to have a romantic night with you, but you’re caught up on Scruff. That can be annoying. There’s a time and place for everything. So the two of you decide when you can be on the apps and when you need to focus on each other. Whatever you decide, the idea is to create clear boundaries that work for you both.
3. Transparency between you and your potential dates is just as important.
If competition is an issue in your open relationship, right from the start, you should let anyone you’re chatting with know that A. You’re in an open relationship and if that means you play separately or together, and B. Your partner is also on the app (if that’s the case). Ask the person to let you know right away if they’re already talking to him and explain that you’d prefer they not be chatting with you both. If they are mature and respectful, then they shouldn’t have a problem with this. And if they want to be rude or judgmental about it, then they’re probably not worth your time anyway.
4. Try using different apps.
Of course, if overlapping conversations really are an issue and its leading to uncomfortable feelings in your relationship, then the easiest solution is for both of you to use different apps. You can stick to Grindr while your partner sticks to Scruff. That way you won’t be wading in the same pool. Sure, you might still have a little overlap on occasion with guys who like to “double dip” on multiple apps, but the chances aren’t nearly as high. And when that does happen, see tip #3.
Navigating open relationships can be delicate, especially when your options for sex outside the relationship are limited, and it can take a little time to figure out, especially if you’ve never been in an open relationship before. Bottom line: communicate fully, respect each other by agreeing on solid boundaries, and remember that no matter what, you’re on the same page.
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
1898
or just don’t be in an open relationship. they’re not for everybody. some people just aren’t wired for open relationships, and that’s ok. it’s not a character flaw. 🙂
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
A relationship is supposed to be special. That two people are committed and only be with each other out of the billions of people on earth…
If having sex with another person is how you define your relationship that is fine. I see it as two fcuk buddies who are closer than most….
thisisnotreal
I agree, I always thought that part of the charm of relationships was that it was two people who were saying to each other “out of all of the millions of people around me you are the one that means the most to me and you are the one I want to build a lifetime of experiences and memories with” but now relationships have become “I want to play house with you while we both continuously go out to clubs and use apps to satisfy our never ending lust for sex and closeness that no one person on earth could ever quench” no ty, bye Felicia.
acutepbos
A relationship is supposed to be special? Or a relationship is supposed to make YOU feel special? If you feel good because you and your SO/partner are in a committed, monogamous relationship, then HTF does my committed, non-monogamous relationship threaten that?
Isn’t this a reiteration of the argument for equality with straight marriage?
But if you’re just being judgy, then I suggest focusing more attention on telling your partner just how much more special he needs to be making you feel.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
acutepbos:. First day with your new eyes? They need some adjustments.
I wasn’t being “judgy” said if it’s your definition it’s fine. Pretty much anyone can get on an app and find a random cuck to suck. If you’re comfortable knowing your “lover” has some random guys in his mouth that’s fine. I simply cannot picture that nor accept that….
thisisnotreal
This article could have been summed up in one sentence instead of an essay. If at any point during an open relationship you ever feel even a tinge of jealousy, then honey an open relationship isn’t right for you.
StandingAndWalking
I didn’t get that at all. As someone in an open-ish relationship it took me a while to get over jealousy and realize I liked what we had. What was causing me pain was feeling like a failure because I’ve had it hammered into my head by the world that if you don’t have one person singularly into you you have no worth.
But it turns out I’m someone who likes independence and having someone I love who also gives me the space to live my own life as well as the one we share has made me happier than I could have ever thought, since I believed all the BS about how the only real relationship is a traditional monogamous one like some folk on this thread are spouting.
That says, it did take some getting through to be okay with the thought of him with other guys. But once I realized that it didn’t change his feelings about me and I trusted that we are solid, a huge weight was lifted. No one model is right for everyone but there’s a lot of societal pressure to claim there is.
Charlie in Charge
Disagree. A tinge of jealousy is normal and the article details a few steps to help people process that jealousy and release it. Never feeling jealous is not a realistic expectation of life.
GentlemanCaller
Cue the “open relationships are wrong for everyone, because they don’t conform to what I think” posts. You guys are as bad as the evangelicals.
SirDeca
For me and my husband (married for 3 years, together for over 18 years) the secret lies simply in honesty with each other. I can have sex with anyone, but I can only love one!
We have defined boundaries for ourselves in which this “sex” works. I think just the “attraction of the forbidden” is responsible for dishonesty, once this has disappeared (by the permission of doing), it is no longer important.
For us this works perfectly.
sfhairy
Or you know, just use the site for sex instead of chatting people up. You are in a relationship, you don’t need to be looking for another relationship. It should be for the sex only.
gavo92
Open relationships are weird anyway. But that’s just my opinion.
drew56
How do you separate the two? Sex was supposed to form part of the relationship. But then we wanted to spice it up and that was the undoing of it.