Birthday Bitches

Britney Spears Is Not an Old Hag, But Not Yet a Middle-Aged Woman

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Britney Spears at 20. Credit: Youtube.

Britney’s 30, bitch! She made it, and we’re actually very proud of her. People talk about the “27 Club“—the accursed age at which so many of our beloved stars fall prey to the final throes of addiction and self-harm—well, Britney crossed that line three years ago.

But for us, 30 is a bigger bridge for Britney to cross since it’s such an official badge of womanhood—a subject she’s been playing with since “Hit Me Baby (One More Time).” She’s always been known for her girlish charm, even as she played out the all-too-familiar Good Girl Gone Bad storyline, from virginal Disney star to crazy cracked-out bald bitch and everywhere in between. But she’s never been that much of a scary drug addict, really. There’s the hilarious video where she’s stoned out of her mind, but it’s not frightening or worrisome. We’ve all been there.

Anyway, congrats on the milestone, Brit. You’re totally a woman now, but not a middle-aged Rachael Ray type who’s gonna get fat and complain about dieting and wear ugly momjeans anytime soon.

Oh, and what? Jason Trawick might put a ring on you soon. Think twice before you say yes.