World Mourns Death of Senseless Gossip

Brit’s Asst. Denies Lesbian Fling

Young lesbians’ bubbles burst yesterday when Britney Spears’ former assistant, Shannon Funk, denied having a lesbian romp with the pop star.

Funk’s face has been plastered on OK! magazine, which alleges Spears and Funk fooled around after a wild night at the “trendy” Standard hotel. The assistant denies the homo happenings, insisting she and Spears had a close, but platonic relationship.

The girl also describes Spears as an insecure flirt:

Britney needs constant reassurance of someone’s affection and is very touchy-feely, even if she likes someone. Brit loves the attention that comes from flirting.

Hmm, could attention-seeking flirtation, not sexual fluidity, be behind America’s new crop of queer seeming gals?