“It always amazes me how gay guys stay friends with all of their exes. I’m not friends with any of mine.”
Hmm… I never considered gay men and exes-as-friends until Grace did on a recent episode of Will & Grace. She offered her observation while watching Will cook for his ex-turned-breakfast guest Vince, who announced his wedding to his boyfriend of nine months in between bites.
“Obviously, you’re invited, but you don’t have to come,” he said. Obviously, Will went–with Grace, Karen, and Jack as his plus one, two, and three.
I’m with Grace on this one. I’m a gay guy, but I’ve never been a “Let’s be friends” kind of ex. I’m connected to exactly one of mine on Facebook, and in the past few years, I’ve ignored requests from at least three others.
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Exes as friends just isn’t my thing. But judging from how many gay men I know who maintain cordial-to-close relationships with past loves, I’m not the norm.
Most of my female friends, though, are with Grace, too. By the end of the episode, I’d come up with five possible reasons why.
1. Men and women tend to fall in and out of love differently.
As Jack pointed out in response to Grace’s comment: “Romance is different for us. A date between straight people sometimes leads to sex, and sex between gay people sometimes leads to a date.” Women, of course, are key to that difference. If straight men could get away with it, most of them would probably start with sex, too.
F**k buddies and NSA come easier to men because they’re better at compartmentalizing physical and emotional connections. Women are less likely to separate church and state and more likely to nurture boundaries and structure in straight relationships, which is no doubt why more of them aren’t open.
Passion of mind, body, and soul is a hard habit to break. The harder women fall in love, the harder they may fall out of it, leading to potentially bitter and acrimonious aftermaths – especially if the guy instigated the split by indulging in f**k buddies and NSA sex.
2. So many women love their “closure.”
I’ve never been a “closure” person myself, but I can be such a drama queen at the end of a romance. I’ll delete emails, photos, and phone numbers–pretty much everything short of putting it in a hate song, Taylor Swift-style–in an attempt to expel an ex from my life.
“Closure,” though, appears to be more a female requirement than a male one. I wouldn’t be surprised if a woman scorned invented it as a move-on mechanism while listening to Gloria Gaynor singing “I Will Survive” on repeat. Once it comes–if it comes–“closure” can be as final as one of those Taylor Swift kiss-offs (unless kids are involved, of course).
In other words: I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key because we are never ever getting back together.
So… go on now, go, walk out the door.
3. Platonic friendship between straight men and women is trickier than bromance.
That’s not to say straight men and women can’t pull off platonic. I’ve seen it happen, even with straight exes. But when it does, things are likely to shift once one or both get involved with other people.
Getting back to Will & Grace for a moment, Vince’s fellow groom seemed genuinely unruffled by Will’s presence at the wedding. He had “like three exes” of his own there, as Vince pointed out.
The last time Grace agreed to watch an ex say “I do” to someone else, in the 2002 episode “Dyeing Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard,” the results were considerably more disastrous for the unhappy bride. (I once went with a boyfriend to the wedding of his ex-girlfriend, who probably invited us only because her ex turned out to be gay.)
I’ve never known a real-life bride who would have made it possible for the groom’s ex to upstage her at her own wedding. Why risk him saying the wrong name, like Ross on Friends? That never turns out well.
4. Gay communities are fairly incestuous, so the paths of exes probably will cross again… and again.
Straight people enjoy such a mass meet market that it’s easier for them to pretend their exes don’t exist after a break-up, especially in big cities. They may very likely never see them again, unless they’re swiping left on Tinder.
Gay scenes are considerably smaller, so it’s highly possible that exes will run into each other the weekend after they split – or at the gym the next day. It’s harder to pretend someone has dropped off the face of the earth when you keep running into him.
5. Gay relationships more often end up being like close friendships anyway.
By the time many gay couples reach a certain point of longevity, they become more BFFs than passionate lovers–at least that’s what longtime companions are always telling me. This happens with straight couples, too, but they’re more likely to cling to the traditional monogamy model.
I have a harder time with open relationships than I do with exes as friends, but I can see the benefit of them. In the absence of sexual jealousy, couples in open relationships can more easily forge friendships that are as unconditional as platonic ones.
They’re less dependent on the condition that both parties remain faithful or even that they stay together. So if they do eventually decide to split, there’s no need to ask, “Can we be friends?”
They already are.
throwslikeagirl
Gay men: we shoot first and ask questions later. Many of my BFF’S started out as boyfriends, but very soon, in a matter of months or even weeks, we realized we were attracted to each other because of shared interests and our personalities. The sex part came because that’s what we were used to, although neither of us were really turned on by the other. Sex with them was essentially like having sex with myself. Eventually I met my life partner and we’re now married. Our attraction was instant and complete. The relationship grew in a complete way. We’ve been together 25 years. I still have my BFF’s who began as boyfriends and so does my husband.
Frank
Good article…when I met my now husband at Gay Pride he thought we were going to hook up and have sex…I told him, “you are attractive, I want to get to know you by dating”…he initially was hesitant because of a pattern that he created for himself however I remained strong of what I wanted and we are 10 years together and going stronger each and every day…
People can create their own realities but NOT be afraid to rewrite them as they desire a different course in life….
Lastly, my father used to say “there are no new cars on the lot after 21 years of age but if the car is still parked on someone else’s property and you have to go thru a fence to get in you might want to rethink it…”
Christopher
I love that quote, good advice to be sure. Out of my relationships, only one I have had no contact with as he was a grade A psycho. But the rest of them I get along with and the one who I had the longest relationship with get together every couple of months for lunch or dinner to catch up. He is still a sweet guy and I regret my actions that caused us to break up, but having him as a friend is still a nice thing.
Umoja
Closure comes in a variety of forms though
People who are gatherers may have sex with many men as a form of gathering information, experiences, perspectives – but they haven’t organised them yet. Closure for them involves categorising into ‘in’ and ‘out’.
People who are organisers may have just as much sex, but they’ve done a bit of work on qualifying them as ‘in’ already. Why would I show care towards a man who did not signal to me that he had qualities I might value over the long term? Therefore, closure for me is about clarity about sex, as I’m already clear on the person’s value
Zambos271
I am friends with none of my exes. However, I have hooked up with guys and become best friends with them afterwards. The sex was great, but being friends was the better option.
My relationships with boyfriends have all ended terribly. The last one was War of the Roses. A friendship was not an option.
DHT
I feel the same way, I have tried a couple of times but it really didn’t work. Too many gay guys are waiting to cut other guys off at the knees anyways, I figure I don’t need one lying in wait with extra ammunition.
BCbreeze
I have to agree here. In my life I have had 3 long term relationships, The one I am in now a 2 others. And I have to say I am pretty cool with both. 1 of them still lives in the same city as I do, we have lunch sometimes, me and my boyfriend took him out for his birthday last month, and I have even tried to set him up with a coworker… That didn’t go well. The other lives in Orlando, we text a few times a month, we always meet up for food and drinks every year or so when I head back to Orlando. I think the key here is we really never did anything to hurt the other, it was never a bad breakup like when someone cheats or something like that. I have been very lucky when it come to that, I just hope it continues.
Prax07
I’m only friends with one of my exes, and that’s simply because he had several accidents and has no one else, the rest could (hopefully) all be dead as far as I know. I don’t see the point in keeping them as friends when we didn’t work out as something that was more intimate and personal.
I tend to collect fwb’s now, after being hurt emotionally it’s better to keep them at a distance, so fwb’s is just more comfortable.
DCguy
Straight men and women also seem to have media telling them that there has to be some major blow-up or dramatic screaming fit. Every reality show, so many dating shows, even places where there aren’t major fights like “The Bachelor” have tears and insults. Frankly it’s straight people that are the real drama queens about this.
chris33133
Too many people extrapolate from their personal experiences to “everyone.” I think of this as one example. ….. I know too many gay folk — men and women — who figuratively (if not literally) scorch the earth on their breakups. I know quite a few divorced straight couples who, after some time, remember both why they fell in love AND why they got divorced as providing the foundation for their continuing friendship. ….. I’d like to see something less anecdotal and more scientific.
Fredrick Klaus
I’m so filled with joy in my heart that Lord Zakuza was able to win back my lost marriage of 1 year & my wife is mine again. Email: doctorzakuzaspelltemple@hotmail. com
Georgia
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