Butt Print Bandit Terrorizes Nebraska Town

Police and residents are on the edge of their seats in Valentine, Nebraska:

Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the dark of night, pressing his naked behind – sometimes his groin, sometimes both – on windows.

It’s easy to tell.

Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects.

“This is the weirdest case I’ve ever seen,” said Police Chief Ben McBride.

A wad of chew in his mouth, he didn’t crack a smile as he talked about the case.

“It’s not funny,” he said. “We’re worried about the next step.”

Well, actually, we think it’s kind of funny, but do what what this “next step” may entail. Matthias Hermann, is that you?