A concerned man has prompted over 200 replies after he sought advice about his quiet boyfriend. Turning to the @AskGayBrosOver30 forum on Reddit, he explained that his other half is introverted and stays quiet when they’re out with groups of his friends.
The post was titled, “My BF is very passive and quiet among my friends and expects me to do all the talking.”
“He isn’t shy; he is, however, a bit of an introvert, but it comes across as borderline rude,” explained the man. “When I get the opportunity to meet up with all of my friends, which isn’t often, I like to include him. I’ve met a few of his friends and we get along well. It’s as though he’s not interested in giving mine a chance.”
“I try to start conversations on things that I know he will enjoy because they all have a lot in common. When I do that, he becomes frustrated with me later on or doesn’t engage as much. It bothers me since any outsider, such as my friends, it comes across as rude or stuck up. It’s frustrating because he isn’t like that. He’s a genuinely great and funny guy but they don’t get to see that side of him.
“One of my friends is doing a PhD in linguistics, she also teaching in the area. My partner has a linguistics and psychology degree so I said to her ‘B [my BF] studied this too and was contemplating a masters in this subject,’ to get them to talk to each other. Even though it’s a topic I’m sure he could talk about for hours, he was quite brief with her.
“Now, I may appear to be the obnoxious one who is forcing them to talk and get along, but he assures me that he doesn’t dislike them when I ask.”
He continued, “Of course, he is not required to tag along when I’m with friends, but the majority of them bring their partners or they ask if he wants to come along, and he never declines when I ask.”
He added they sometimes went hiking or camping. They had a trip planned with friends soon, and he worried he’d have to again do most of the talking.
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Many of the respondents said he needed to just accept his boyfriend the way he is.
“You need to learn to be supportive of your BF’s introversion and stop trying to ‘fix’ his socializing,” said one. “You’re not helping, even if you think you are, and in the long run he’ll end up resenting you … I’ve been to social gatherings where I haven’t uttered more than a couple of words and I had a good time. Your BF might be the same.”
Many respondents said they, too, were introverts.
“When you ask him if he is enjoying himself? Does he say yes or no? If he does, then I see no problem. I am introverted myself so it takes time for us to get used to being around new people. Of course, I am not like that with my partner or my friends because I am already comfortable with them. Give him time, the more you push him, the more he’ll go inside his shell.”
“As a fellow introvert: you are not helping him in the slightest, even if you think you are,” said another. “In fact, you’re only making things worse. It’s not cool when an extrovert friend/BF tries to force you to interact with strange people just for the sake of it. He is not doing this because he is rude or something like that, he is doing it because he doesn’t feel comfortable trying to engage in conversation with people he considers strangers just for the sake of it. It’s not something that needs fixing or that you’ll be able to change, it’s who he is.”
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Other introverts said they often felt overwhelmed by being in new surroundings and it took them some time to process things. They pretty much all hated being forced to be included in conversations.
“The worst thing one can do is try to bring me into the conversation by asking me, ‘what do you think…?’, said one. “Or him trying to tell a story that involves me or is my story to tell. It’s awkward and it puts me on the spot in a way that makes me shut down, and now I look rude or like I don’t want to be there.
“I thrive in one-on-one conversations. It’s very difficult for me to discuss things in a group setting. I’m an empath and I’m taking in people’s energies and words, and thinking about the topic at hand before I respond, so it may look like I’m not interested but I’m actually engaged.
“You can be present with him and your friends at the same time. Sometimes all it takes is a touch. If you’re sitting next to him in a group, put your hand on his knee under the table, while you’re having a conversation with others. Don’t make it a huge gesture, such as putting your arms around his waist or shoulders because he’s not going to enjoy that. Let it be something small, that’s between you two.”
Some identified with the man posting the dilemma.
“I was married to someone who’s exactly what you describe. One thing I tried to do was to ‘include’ him in conversations — literally just say something, and then ask for his take on it. He hated it that I put him on the spot — and he was right.
“It’s an ingrained personality trait of his — he’s quiet, an introvert, and overthinks everything. When I’d ask him why he was so quiet in public, he would say: ‘by the time I’ve formulated a thought to contribute, the conversation has already moved on.’ He didn’t change, and he won’t change. I was the one who had to learn to accept him for what he is and stopped caring what other people would think of him.”
The man who posted the dilemma appeared to welcome the huge response he received, including the feedback from other introverts. He said he would stop trying to force his boyfriend to join conversations and would take it on board that his boyfriend likely is having an enjoyable time, even if he’s not talking much.
The poster told Queerty, “I found the responses very helpful and it helped me understand him better as someone who isn’t introverted at all.”
Heywood Jablowme
‘by the time I’ve formulated a thought to contribute, the conversation has already moved on.’
That’s it.
Shark89128
You can not change people they have to want to change. If you can live with it you will be fine.
woodroad34
Those were all excellent examples and helpful tips. I can be very outgoing at work but in private life meeting new people is nerve wracking and exhausting. My ex would take me to a party and dump me in the middle of a room and tell me to mingle…I ended up going outside and walking around the block.
kevininbuffalo
Leave the BF alone, he is who he is. He has as much chance of changing his introversion as we have of changing our sexual orientation. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert or a loner, you might say it’s some peoples social orientation.
MISTERJETT
why change him? accept him the way he is. that’s what love is. so many people go through this: ” i love you. you’re perfect. now change.” leave him alone.
winemaker
What’s the problem? So your boyfriend is shy, quiet and introverted. If he’s enjoying his time being with you and your friends there’s no problem. To assure him you might occasionally ask, how’re you doing. and if he responds, great And do yourself a favor; stop worrying what others think and say about you because it’s out of your control and their issue, not yours and the sooner you realize this, the better and less stressed you’ll be. Worrying about this is a waste of valuable time and energy. You only need to worry about yourself
Jackw.
I’m the OP from the Reddit post. It wasn’t a worry about what others would say but more so a worry that he wasn’t enjoying himself and put up with it because I asked him to come along and he had agreed.
barryaksarben
The best reply is to ask him if he is enjoying himself. I am very very shy with people I dont know and it takes me quite awhile to feel comfortable enough to fully participate. My very closet group of friends will tell you it was worth the wait as when we go out together we all are contributing. My first husband was very quiet around them for a couple years but they knew I knew him best and waited it out and they all developed their own relationships with him. Maybe ask if there is a past experience or what he thinks is holding him back IF he is frustrated but if he is fine give him all the time he needs. We have all had to introduce new BFs to our friends or have been that new BF so just be glad you have a BF your friends will understand
JRamonMc
One thing to consider is that if you plan on this being a long term relationship, his introversion will only get worse the older you both get. If you’re not on the same wave length now, the distance will get further until you start to feel resentment from him alienating you from your friends.
Eternal.Cowboy
Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing and doesn’t get “worse”.
Do us introverts of the world a favor and stay away. We don’t need more judgmental jackasses in our day to day lives.
Mack
Chances are him being an “introverted person” is what appealed to you. Leave him alone. As he’s becomes more adapted to you and your friends he’ll come out. I’m an introverted person myself and now when I’m out with friends they can’t shut me up.
wikidBSTN
My advice – hop on the internet and investigate “introvert”. You will gain some important insight into your BF’s world view and who is simply is. Being an introvert or extrovert are not a temporary conditions – to be worked on and changed. They are states of being. Sure, you can work around the edges a bit so as not to come off as rude or uninterested, but an introvert will always be an introvert to some extent.
Your BF may also benefit from exploring what it means to be an introvert. There is a lot of good info online.
Jackw.
I have learned a lot since making that Reddit post about what it’s like to be an introvert!
johncp56
Funny i,m the introverted guy, crowds and a group gets me uncomfortable, but I would love to have an extroverted BF, that is patient with me, that would be heavenly
Jackw.
I’m the OP from the Reddit post and I agree. Opposites definitely do attract.
IvanPH
Being quiet doesn’t equate to being introverted. I rarely get into conversation with my friends or relatives mainly because nothing they talk about interests me or is intellectually stimulating. I mean, I hate gossiping about other people and I can only talk so much about Drag Race.
RTG
I’m an introvert who has only become more so with age. I can be very talkative one on one, particularly given isolation due to Covid. However parties are my idea of hell. My partner is a “shy extrovert” who can handle parties and business functions well. If necessary for work reasons, I can be that forceful, extrovert and then go home afterwards and stay silent for hours. It’s about give and take and understanding each other. I’m with my current partner for almost 30 years now because he is literally the only person I have ever met whom I didn’t mind being around 24/7 (plus I love him). If you both otherwise work well, accept it when he says he has a good time.
rphillips4165
Did anyone else notice the poster said groups of friends. That’s probably the problem. I know with one or two people I can talk with them. You get over four people together I’m looking for the door. Maybe just ask one friend over at a time and see if your boyfriend does better that way. A lot of times introverts are just overwhelmed by to many people.