So often when we hear about gay saunas and bathhouses, the stories involve someone being murdered or putting hydrochloric acid in the lube dispensers or dropping dead from a drug overdose. But according to one man, not all bathhouses are created equal.
An older gay gentleman is opening up about the joys of bathhouses and all the many wonders they’ve done for his emotional health. In a new confessional published by the Guardian, the 64-year-old explains that he’s made a habit of visiting his local bathhouse once every six weeks for the past 25 years.
“I once heard such visits described as ‘holidays from morality’, but that has not been my experience,” he writes.
Related: How does bringing back gay bathhouses help anyone in the community?
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In fact, he continues, it’s been just the opposite. The men are polite, the sex acts are consensual, the rules are “generally observed.”
So what’s so great about bathhouses anyway? For starters, the man says, they’ve done wonders for his self-esteem:
Though I have always enjoyed nudity, I used to think of my body as unattractive. I’m now 64, and encounters in the sauna have taught me that not everyone else finds it so, which has enhanced my confidence. For years I disliked my given name. I have made a point of telling it to those I have met in the sauna; hearing it repeated with tenderness and passion has taught me to love it.
Not only that, but they’ve opened the door for some of the deepest, most meaningful conversation he’s ever had:
When clothes are off, intentions clear and vulnerability shared, men talk honestly to men they may know only then and may never meet again. I have had deep conversations with people whose experience of life has been quite unlike my own, and we have played together for the mutual affirmation, delight and healing that only such intimacy can bring.
Related: Straight guys in gay bathhouses? Yep, it happens! Former employee tells all
“Many men, not all of whom define themselves as gay, use saunas,” he writes. “If you are curious, pay a visit. Moderate use can bring unexpected benefits. It did for me.”
What do you think? Are bathhouses for you? Take our poll and share your thoughts in the comments section…
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Danny595
Graham Gremore pushing commercialized promiscuity. Again.
The social science (as opposed to some guy writing anonymously in the Guardian) says that bathhouse patronage is strongly associated with low self-esteem, lower levels of life satisfaction, and higher levels of homonegativity (i.e., internalized homophobia).
Juanjo
Oh jeezus, this queen again. What will you be claiming to have a specialized degree in this time Danny? So far it has been law, microbiology, chemistry, and perhaps this time – psychology? You have one recurring theme, if it has to do with gay man having sex, it is wrong.
MacAdvisor
I would need to see some citations for your understanding of what social science says.
However, bath houses should exist because they are something consenting adults want. Others should not be able to prohibit them just because the other don’t want to participate.
Stache
@Danny595… Squawk..promiscuity is wrong. Squawk..promiscuity is moral depravity. Squawk.. promiscuity will lead to the end of civilization. Squawk.. etc, etc..
Bob LaBlah
@ol’ Stache………………..That was funny. lol lol lol lol
Gaytaffuk
Danielle pushing the ‘gays having sex is obcene’ agenda yet again!
And yet again quoting non-existent ‘social science’ to prove her non-existent point!
And yet again showing that her internalised homophobia is so acute that she can’t accept that gay men can have sexual relations outside of a heteronormative relationship.
This article is about how one man has found support and strength through his use of bathhouses, yet you hijack it to try to undermine the writers reputation. You seem to have a real feather up your arse about Graham Gremore. What has he done to so upset you? Maybe it’s unrequited love? Sad!
You seem to spend a long time criticising others, why don’t you just ‘live and let live’? What other people get up to in, and out of bed, has absolutely nothing to do with you and you can do absolutely NOTHING to stop gay men enjoying each other, so stop wasting your breath.
misterhollywood
Get a grip Danny – why are you SO afraid to talk about real topics in the LGBTQ community. And what is your personal beef with the author that you have to attack him by name in public. At least he uses his name buddy – HBU?
Danny595
Misterhollywood – If promiscuity isn’t a “real topic” then why is it constantly and relentlessly promoted, hyped and sold to us on Queerty. Clearly, it is a real topic. The problem is that only the cheerleaders for promiscuity have been heard until recently. No more. Imma speak up for what I believe and if ya don’t like it, ya can suck on it.
Also, fyi, the community is LGB.
Gaytaffuk
Devil got your tongue Danielle?
You are at serious risk of upsetting me by not responding to my posts to you, or is it that you just don’t have the brains to come up with a good response to common sense responses to your constant drivel?
Still waiting to see the ‘social science’ studies you keep quoting to support your nasty bigotry!
Sad!
Heywood Jablowme
Yet another demonstration of how delusional Danny595 is.
We had ten whole years there where all we EVER heard was marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage…..
The marriage battle was won — without any help from Danny and his ilk, who support Republican candidates who HATE s/s marriage and want to get rid of it.
But that battle being won (for now), the pendulum has swung back a bit to where we discuss promiscuity occasionally. If that offends Danny595 so much he can go to another site.
Also, Danny595 is always vehemently promoting his retrograde ideas of what “masculinity” is, and it’s amusing he does that while denying a crucial element of masculinity: the promiscuous urge. (Not that we can’t control it, but the urge is there.) It’s almost as if Danny has no testicles!
Kangol
Bathhouses and sex parties are safer venues for meeting guys for sex and conversation than public parks, bringing them home or going to their house or a hotel room after meeting them on a dating app, etc. Also, all kinds of adult men are welcome in a bathhouse so long as you can pay the entry fee, so you might find someone who’s into you much faster.
TVC 15
Thank you. I completely agree.
jd.cali
Danny is correct. Graham pusblishes “article” after “article” with the same theme- sex and bad r search. Sex is fine, but they source of the story is always suspicious or non existent. And that’s not fine. Check yourself… Multiple stories on studies based on 30 college students, Reddit stories, and now a story from an anonymous source on another magazines community page….
Please. Give me a break.
I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculously bad journalism.
sfcarlos65
I visit sex clubs and bathhouses for a good many years, and I’ve become quite comfortable with own body in that time. I should also say, I was born with mild cerebral palsy and have never had an issue with acceptance in these establishments.
BriBri
This is where you’ll find DCGUY 7 nights per week. The Crew Club http://crewclub.net
ChuckF
When I came out in 1972, a bath house was the safest space in the city for gay men. The best ones were designed by gay men and they featured cafes, theaters and huge soaking pools next to aquariums with tropical fish in addition to cubicles for consensual sex. For some men who couldn’t bring men home or whose culture looked down on gay sex, bathhouses were a place they could congregate with friends without alcohol. Many had nights were men would be tested for VD. In other words, bath houses were little Nirvanas, and there’s no good reason gay men should be without them today.
Danny595
I wonder what % of your fellow patrons from 1972 are still alive?
Prax07
When I think of bath houses I think of dirty old men, skeevy guys no one would ever want to hook up with, drugs, bodily fluids everywhere, and diseases. No thanks, that’s not someplace that I’d want to visit, or be with anyone that has ever visited one. Just gross.
JaredMacBride
I’ve been in several bath houses and none of them fit your description. Not even close.
Mixxmaster
You couldn’t be more wrong. Bathhouses often have a lot of men under the age of 40. And there is nothing wrong with older guys looking for sex at a bathhouse. It’s usually the younger ones who are high on something. I have found that people aren’t any more safe/unsafe than when meeting outside. If you don’t want to be with anyone who has visited one, you are probably alone and more bitter than you seem on here.
TVC 15
Nope, not like that. There are men of all ages, and sometimes some troublemakers do make it in. But, generally it’s just regular guys looking for a practical way to get off. I will say that some are better maintained than others. I’ve been to some that are very basic, and some that are very modern and well-equipped.
StupidBoy
Ok, let’s look at SCIENCE for a second, since liberals love science. With PREP, and since undetectable HIV levels are not transferrable, and the HPV vaccine, anonymous sex is safer than it was 10-, 20, 30-, 40- years ago. I read the other comments of people having very positive experiences in bath houses. I wish I had such a positive place to express my sexuality when I was young and dumb and full of cum.
Notright
If you want to improve your appearance consider a home gym. Read here to see if a home gym is the right option for you. https://packedman.com/home-gym-worth-it/
qlco1
I have been in a bath house once. Truly not the best experience and I would never come there again.
Sure it’s good when you are horny and open minded, but for me such random sex is a big turn off.
Berkleyguy
I’ve been going to the baths regularly for years. When out of town on business I will check to see if the city has one. Some of my faves are in Chicago, Cleveland, DC, Tampa and Orlando as well as local ones here in Michigan. Have never had an issue. After all these years – I have been out over 35 years – I still enjoy anonymous NSA sex. If it is approached responsibly it can be a great experience and the baths are safe places for such sexual activity.
Danny595
Gatean Dugas II.
Prax07
Sorry but anyone that needs to visit one of these gross sex clubs is just disgusting, and yes, if a guy ever told me he visited one that would be the end if it.
As far as prep or undetectable, yeah, no, I don’t believe in undetectable guys as being anywhere near safe to have sex with. So never going to be intimate with anyone on prep or anyone claiming to be undetectable.
Josh447
You’re a judgment juggernaut and most likely physically unattractive. Please do stay away from bath houses, the young super hot Hollywood John Travolta types really don’t like the smell of your flagellent air-agance. And for the record, orgies and multiple partners is in our DNA, gotta love THAT! I do.
yaletownman
Overall I’m great with bath houses. I also get they may not be for everybody. For me I always learned a lot about myself being a patron. It helped me accept that my sexual attractiveness isn’t an all or nothing proposition and that I am attractive to many (sometimes even pleasantly shocked) and not attractive to many (also shocked at times). I think it helped me find a balanced and healthy perception of myself and I learned to not take rejection as the end all be all sign of my sexual desirability.
I also learned that it is possible to reject people in a kind and sensitive manner. Unlike bars where I’ve often found a “sneer’ or upturned nose is the not interested signal in bath houses I found that I could say “not interested” to someone with a kind smile and we still might end up having a conversion.
The most powerful thing I learned is how my attitude often determined my desirability. I often noticed that when I was feeling good I attracted a lot more guys than when I was angry and/or negative. There is something about being named and vulnerable that really brings it down to just you.
IWantAFullBeard
You haven’t lived until you’ve been at a bathhouse at 2am on a Saturday morning.
Prax07
Well I don’t believe that undetectable equals safe or untransmittable, I don’t trust that science at all. I also believe prep users are basically whores, so no thanks to guys on that as well. Standards, or basic sexual morals, seems no one has them anymore, and that grosses me out when it comes to a partner.
surreal33
Gay bathhouse, gay apps, will NEVER teach gay men to love themselves!!! Self-love, emotional well-being come from within until you master that extremely difficult lesson. All the sleazy, meaningless, sexual encounters in bathhouses and/or gay apps will not fill the void.
toytiger50
Why are some gay men offended by gay bathhouses? Think of the things that the existence of these institutions suggest: Gay sex is okay. Gay sex is your right. Sex between men is a perfectly rational value in its own right and doesn’t need to take place solely in the context of a hetero-imitative relationship to be legitimate. Here is a safe private space in which to meet perfectly normal needs. The gay men I’ve known who most badmouthed the baths were huge into the bar scene, alcoholic, and very into cruising dangerous venues like rest stops and wooded parks, usually while drunk. They went to bars religiously, yet seldom met anyone in them. If there wasn’t the danger of being arrested or beaten up, they couldn’t get in the mood. Yet they chided me as a “bathhouse whore.” What really bothered them about the baths was the NORMALIZING of homosexual desire that these places offered. In my years of going to bathhouses, I always met the greatest guys there. Whether they were out or closeted, openly gay or heterosexually married, they were the most sane, rational, masculine, sexy men I knew, vs. guys who only went to bars, and who raged against the baths, who were, pretty much the opposite. Don’t throw any biased, conclusion pre-determined psych studies at me. I know who the emotionally stable, self-loving and capable-of-loving-other-men were, and I know why.