QUEERTY QUERY

Can Gay Men Be Friends Without Getting Naked Together?

Sunday night’s episode of HBO’s Looking raised some interesting questions about gay friendships.

Dom and Lynn have been spending an awful lot of time together. After Lynn sends Dom flowers on his 40th birthday, Dom goes over to his place to thank him… by planting a kiss on his lips. But Lynn isn’t having it. (At least not yet.) He tells Dom that if they’re going to go into business together, they need to keep their friendship strictly platonic.

Hey, a little sexual tension between buddies never hurt anyone, right? (Said no one ever.)

This begs the question: Can gay men be friends without hooking up together? And how often is hooking up the catalyst for gay friendships? (Let’s not forget, Lynn and Dom initially met in a bathhouse.)

Sound off in the comments section. And don’t be shy.

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49 Comments

  • Cam

    1. Another “Looking” post?

    2. Did you get into a time machine and go back to the 70’s to get this question or did you just get Sean Hannity or Pat Buchanan to write it for you?

  • balehead

    Unlike the fat whiners on here…Hawt guys always have sex…it’s like having a handshake basically…

  • carnottx

    Depends on the situation. If you are both single and attracted to each other, you’ll probably sleep with each other. I swear we’re like dogs smelling each other’s butts. It’s just what we do. However, if you’re part of a couple, your best friends who are also a couple probably won’t be sleeping with you (and your spouse). But you never know. If I look at this from a straight perspective, married men don’t usually hang with single females and vice versa. But on the other hand, all the lesbians on my block have slept with each other and they seemed to be doing just fine. I can never remember who’s with whom at the moment.

  • REDBEARD

    The issue with most attempts at “platonic” relationships is that one of the guys always is concerned that the other will make an unwanted attempt at hooking up or pissed off that he hasn’t made that attempt.

  • pierre

    Put two gay men in a room together and they go after each other like the last piece of meat on Earth!

  • imperator

    I’ve had friends that I’ve fooled around with but it was usually either as friends who had sex and then got into a relationship, or casual hookups who I remained friends with after we stopped having sex. And lord knows I have a number of friends with whom I’d *like* to have a sexual dimension to our friendship, if my bfs were willing (not that I consider that a gay thing so much as a *guy* thing). But for the most part no, my guy friends are comfortably platonic.

  • JennyFromdabloc

    Yes it’s entirely possible and common to have platonic friendships. It’s also fun to have friends with benefits. Friendships and relationships can be fluid.

  • pierrot

    Yes of course. Two total bottoms would make great friends, ha!

  • MONSTER

    this is not a sexuality thing…friendship is between people, people who have different views and ways of reasoning…so trying to deduce a conclusion based on the lgbt world as a whole, would result in a massive failure.

  • sportyguy1983

    Yes 2 ADULT (not little boys) gay men can actually just be friends, unfortunately most gay men aren’t adults

  • Spike

    No way I would just remain friends with Tom Daley.

  • Cam

    @balehead: Interesting that one of the right wing defenders also subscribes to their views on gays.

  • Dxley

    Yes.

  • B Damion

    Yes..yes..yes. I am a little heavyset and my Bff is 6’3 200pds and is in amazing shape. He isn’t sexually attracted to me and we are very good friends.

    We don’t go a day without talking to each other and although I am not as active as he is, we still find things to do to enjoy each others company.

    Sooo… yes two gay men can be friends.

    I wish I had a boy friend.F*** my life.lol

  • Jonty Coppersmith

    Yes two gay men can be friends without having sex. I’ve been good friends with one gay man since we were children, and we never considered being anything other than friends.

  • LubbockGayMale

    I have several friends without benefits, many for years. We’re friends, not sex maniacs!

  • dougmc92

    headline is offensive and stupid.

  • Mezaien

    WHY do I want to know gays men and not for sex????

  • Ogre Magi

    A much better question is…should they?

  • muscl954

    I just want to kiss Scott Bakula.

  • GayTampaCowboy

    Relationships are NOT black and white – as all the posts above show. Like ALL relationships, the critical component that will help ensure a happy and fulfilling friendship (or LTR) is HONEST COMMUNICATION.

    In the article, the “kiss” in question was NOT a ‘thank you’ kiss, there was MORE behind it and to Scott’s character’s credit – he sensed that and snuffed out ANY hint of there being more than a friend/business partner relationship.

    I wish more gay men were able to be honest about such things.

  • TVC 15

    @muscl954: Bitch, get in line. LOL :-)

  • Alan down in Florida

    Over 15 years ago I met 3 guys online who it turned out were meeting each other. We were all late out of the closet and we wound up meeting for breakfast every Sunday morning for several years. None of us had sex within the group. The 3 guys are all now legally married and these years later we are still in close touch even though 2 of the guys have moved elsewhere. So yes, gay men can be friends without having sex. It just takes a little self control which I will admit can be in short supply amongst gay men.

  • Mdterp01

    They CAN be, but often times lines are crossed. Its just like the thing about can a hetero guy just be friends with a hetero girl. I’ve kissed and hooked up with guys who are still good friends. Much of it has to do with a maturity thing. It was what it was and while there were some weird moments shortly after, eventually all went back to normal. I think its natural for two gay men to size each other up and have thoughts about what they would be like intimately, but its absolutely possible to be just friends, particularly if the guy isn’t your “type”.

    If the guy is your type though and you are physically attracted to them then its difficult. I have a boyfriend now and there have been some new friends I have made over the past couple of years who I am very physically attracted to and if I wasn’t boo’d up I would’ve had them a long time ago. So you have to be careful with temptations and have the discipline to not cross the line.

  • Fang

    I rarely (read: never) have been good friends with another gay guy without having sex with him. I feel like sex CAN have its place in a friendship. Sometimes it gets messy, sometimes it doesn’t.

  • Dixie Rect

    Yes, you can. It’s not that difficult. I have many gay ‘no sex’ friends from my hometown, college, different places I worked, its very possible.

  • EbonyOnly

    Frankly, I think this is a very demeaning question towards the Gay community. It suggest that by being Gay all we know is sex. What a narrow window of life. With questions like this, it is no wonder the straight community might have some concerns with us; which would be valid.

    Being Gay is not flying a rainbow flag. Being Gay is a feeling inside. It’s how we live. It’s how we interact with all people of all cultures.

    I’ve many Gay friends and neither one of us have ever entertained such an idea. Looking in the dictionary friends meaning is one thing, sexual partner is another definition.

  • Mdterp01

    @EbonyOnly:

    Actually, I don’t think it is demeaning. I think it’s very realistic. Like I said in my previous post, it’s no different than the question that is usually posed of can a guy and a girl (hetero) ever be friends. This is a conversation I’ve had many times with my straight friends. Chris Rock said it best in one of his comedy specials. Straight guys often don’t want to be caught in the “friend zone”. There’s almost always an agenda to eventually “tap that”. Women have a better time at doing it. However, he said a woman who is friends with a guy is like having a d*ck in a glass case. In case of emergency, break open glass. So I think it’s very realistic, particularly given the responses of a lot of us who have crossed that line with friends. No one is saying it’s not possible. Of course it’s possible. I’ve done it, but more often than not there have been some blurred lines.

  • balehead

    Cam should stop promoting his self hate…and stop using the free computers at the local library…

  • Barbqbill

    It is certainly possible to have gay friends and not sleep with them. Difficult, but possible.

  • newecreator

    Even being bisexual, this is just as hard.

  • robho3

    All my good friends have tried to hit on me at some point. I am a firm believer that you should not have sex with your friends- if they are just friends. Sometimes I feel like I am the only gay man that feels this way. It is a sad thing that ‘friendship’ can’t be just that for many gay men. If you that horny go to the bookstore- don’t mess up a good friendship- which should be a treasured thing.

  • Respect4all

    Can a straight man and woman have sex and still be friends?

  • jonathanyoungii

    Every gay man I know has a plethora of gay friends. We do adjust to living in hetero-land, but I do believe everyone needs some friendship from their own kind (say what you like, there’s something… comforting(?) about it). I couldn’t imagine all my gay friends have had sex with each other… that would be an incomprehensible amount of sex. I know I haven’t been sleeping around. That said, there’s a couple with whom I wouldn’t mind…

  • bottom72

    How offensive of course we can have amazing friendships. Do some of these friendships turn sexual or become romantic yes but for the most part friendships are created at various stages of our lives and we can control our sexual urges. We don’t want to be with every man we see or are friends with.

  • Gigi Gee

    @muscl954: Get in line.

  • Meowzer

    I have lots of gay friends I would never consider have sex with. Either they’re not my type or I’m afraid it would be awkward and ruin the friendship. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have friends that I HAVE had sex with and it all worked out fine. But for the most part, gay men CAN be friends with out having sex.

  • Franklin

    Yes it’s possible to have gay friends and not have sex with them. I haven’t had sex with pretty much any of my gay friends. That’s never really been what we’ve wanted from each other, but then again, a lot of them I met through the military, and with many military bases being located in remote locations it kinds of pushes people to get to know the people around them. I feel like in a lot of the big cities, however, guys seem to choose their friends by their [email protected]*kability. I can’t tell you how many online profiles I have seen that claim to only looking for friends, but then go on to describe physically what this “friend” is supposed to look like.

  • Hank

    Yes, since there is no sexual attraction.

  • Hank

    Yes, since there is no sexual attraction

  • Cam

    @balehead: said…

    “Cam should stop promoting his self hate…and stop using the free computers at the local library…
    _______________________________

    Awww, how cute, you actually tried a direct comeback. Funny thing is, you still have no explanation as to why all your posts are anti-gay.

    But you know, Good for you for trying, and better luck next time!

  • tada-no

    I think it is a legit struggle for many. If the friend is hot, there will be tensions. A random hookup of mine turned into a 4 year friendship by now. When he was drunk, he tried to make moves on me but I say no! For me, genuine friendships have to remain platonic; otherwise, sex can lead to negative consequences and hurt a friendship as it has in my life. It’s easier for me now cause most of my gay friends are not my type sexually.

    But there is also that frustration when you meet new guys around and you’re afraid of hooking up because you want to be friends with them as well.

  • Respect4all

    What’s wrong with having sex with your friends?

  • pauleky

    Ugh…yes – yes you can. Sex changes things. It always does. My friends are my friends and I have no desire to sleep with them. None.

  • WayDifferent

    The majority of gay male friendships were the result of a prior sexual encounter.

  • WayDifferent

    @sportyguy1983: Exactly.

  • muscl954

    @TVC 15: LOLOL

  • Respect4all

    The clearest indicator of stupidity is the inability to imagine that other people have thoughts, feelings and experiences different from your own.

Comments are closed.